maybear

Why don't alcoholics just check out of relationships when they would prefer to abandon their responsibilities and drink?

Why don't they just do that? Why even bother being in a relationship...

I could think of a million answers I guess, I'm just thinking out loud. I just don't get why my husband got married, planned a baby knowing all that would entail if he didn't really want it in the end.

torquemax777

Probably because they want an enabler. Significant others take care of "real life" for them: make sure the bills get paid, the house is clean, can cover for them and their "mishaps/messes". That's why they often leave if their significant other " wises up" and goes to Alanon and detaches, set boundaries and stop enabling. Plus, it probably feeds their desire to maintain a facade of "normalcy." Maybe some think that having those relationships will get them sober.

Mine's different. He's always wanting to leave because he says, "you deserve better than me and what I have to offer..." This is perplexing too...

Stung

Bigger question: Why do we hold onto alcoholics when we don't even enjoy spending time with them? They abandon us and show us repeatedly that they aren't trustworthy and yet we keep these people in our lives.

Why do we do that?

My experience is that my husband wants to be happily married (with me), he wants to be a good father to our children but he struggles deeply with dealing with the difficult parts of life. His organization of priorities and the ability to allow things to roll off his back is lacking. He experiences intense shame and fear to the point where nothing else matters at all besides making those terrible nasty feelings stop immediately. But not all alcoholics drink of the same reasons. For my husband, it's about avoiding bad feelings. He drinks all alone. Avoiding life. Avoiding happiness and joy. Avoiding the life that he really wants because he can't cope with the balance of good feelings AND bad feelings. It's not that he doesn't want our family or our marriage its that he doesn't know how to deal with shame and fear attacks other than drinking those feelings away.

Catherine628

I think for my AH it was because of denial. He couldn't admit he had a problem. He had a wife, kids, house, big shot job so he couldn't be an alcoholic right? Very, very wrong unfortunately.

LeeJane

Because they want someone available for them when it suits them!!

johnno1

Hi may bear how are you doing? Did you book an appointment with a counselor yet?

Why u ask I personally think he wanted a baby mmarriage deep down the sober him BUT addiction and denial has screwed it all up xx

maybear

Torque, you are so right. For so long, I've had to take care of business.

Stung, your husband and mine sound like the same person.

Johnno, I haven't just yet as I have no one to leave my baby with...I guess I could take her but I would then be focused on her rather than me. But I am moving back home so I will start seeing someone then. Or my mum might come and spend a couple of weeks here soon so I could leave her with mum and see someone sooner. Hope you are doing ok too?

dandylion

maybear....alcoholics are human, also....and, as such...most of them want the same things in life that other people want. But, their inability to live life on life's terms and navigate relationships spoils the picture.

In a nutshell, that is how I look at it...

dandylion

NWGRITS

Keeping the facade of being the perfect family is almost critical in any alcoholic home. God forbid anyone knew we were dysfunctional. Hell hath no fury like AM outed or embarrassed by one of us money-sucking, ungrateful brats. Maintaining the image of superiority was the goal for every day. It eventually crumbled, like these things always do. And as far as the A is concerned, it's always everyone else's fault, not theirs. Until they find recovery. I wouldn't know what that's like, though.

NWGRITS

Oh, and maybear, I took my infant with me to every therapy session. It was never a problem and the focus of the sessions never strayed to her. Now that she's much less clingy and needy, I can drop her with a friend for an hour, but sometimes the situation dictates that I take her (now a rambunctious 2yo). I just make sure to have board books and drink handy to keep her occupied. Most of the time she nurses herself into a nap as soon as we get there.

redatlanta

Alcoholics always carry a parachute. First and foremost the addiction is protected if there is one thought process that remains constant it is looking into the future "what ifs" concerning continuation of their DOC.

"what if they run out of money"
"what if they are kicked out of their current living situation"
"what if they get put in jail"
"what if they lose their job"
"what if their current enabler retires"

In your husbands situation he would land right back with you. Problem solved!

1Datatime

I ask myself this same question almost every day. To 'stung", your situation sounds very similar to mine. Husband drinks by himself, quietly, hidden. You wouldn't know he was drunk unless you lived with him and knew his facial expressions.....Why do I stay?

I keep hoping he will change...suddenly realize what a beautiful family he has and how much we love him. I'm beginning to learn this will not happen, so I must change my focus and get on with our lives without him even if he is still in the house.

healthyagain

They are in a relationship because they need someone to take over the aspects of life they cannot deal with anymore because of alcoholism. They need someone "responsible" who will pay the bills on time, take care of their finances, keep the house clean, feed them. They indeed do need a facade to protect their addiction. They need to convince themselves that they are living a normal life, and having a relationship gives them this feeling, even if it is a part-time relationship.

While I am enabling, for my husband, I am quite close to being a saint. He idolizes me, brags about me, "my wife does this, my wife does that," he says. To the puking point. It does not matter that we have not slept in the same bed for over a year. But if only one thing is wrong, oh dear Lord . . . the insults. But that only means that he is losing control over me and that this imaginary world that he is creating for himself is going to go pufff in the air.

Butterfly

Hey maybear, mine did check out after 18 years. them checking out leaves just as much hurt, confusion and distress as them staying.

LifeRecovery

Maybear-

In my case part of the reason that my loved one "stayed" in the relationship even marginally was because I kept pulling him back in even when I was so unhappy with his drinking.

I think it was me that really kept forcing the facade of the relationship because my expectations were based on the type of person he was "capable" of being.....not where he was right now.

SparkleKitty

Mine stayed because I made it POSSIBLE for him to abandon his responsibilities and drink.

But just because he was physically present did not mean he wasn't also "checked out."

Florence

This is what I think also. It's normal to get wrapped up in defenses of the alcoholic or bitterness over their actions, but the progression of alcoholism has very little to do with us.

I think my XAH loved me and my kids, maybe still does, who knows, I don't. But when it comes to addiction (and abuse), "love" is beside the point. My XAH was unable to have a mature and meaningful relationship, not with me or his folks or his kids, not while drunk and not while sober. So it was up to me to see that for what it was and make decisions about my life based on these facts, and not on what ifs and maybes and hope.

torquemax777

Healthyagain, my husband does the "bragging me up to others" to the puking point as well. AND, he sleeps on the couch; claims it's cuz the dog is on the bed and he's tired of waking up stiff and sore because of the dog. However, we are only "intimate" maybe 4 or 5 times a year. The sad part is, he's not even drunk every day; he's a binge drinker that averages only about 2-4 drunks/binges a month. I actually want him on the couch when he's drunk, but in the in between times it hurts.

NYCDoglvr

In Alanon it became: why did I pick an alcoholic and decide to stay? It's a lot more relevant.

maybear

Everyone is so right. Different answers but all the truth.

Thanks so much for your comments.

Today I cancelled the Internet that is in my name and which I pay for, but which my husband uses and took with him (the little device thing) when he left over a week ago. He uses it to do freelance work from home so he can sit home and drink and make money that I never see. I realised that I am enabling him to continue to his current lifestyle by keeping it connected and paying for it. Why wouldn't he want to stick around. Anyway, I feel really good about doing that.

Thanks again.