love and letting go

Old 08-17-2004, 06:37 PM
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love and letting go

I am trying to detach from a relationship. It's very hard to let go. I was involved in a long-distance relationship. I have co-dependency issues. The person I was involved with is what I know now to be an addicted "love avoidant". Our involvement has been off and on again for 6 years. Our involvement began again late last year. It ended last month. I am learning how our own issues played off each each other. I know now that it is time for me to heal my wounds so that I can learn to love myself. I think it happened for the purpose of me doing that. I know I put all my focus on this relationship with the hope of him loving me back and avoided facing my own issues. I believed him when he told me he didn't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. It was obvious from the start again that he couldn't/wouldn't develop a meaningful relationship. I of course, wanted to believe he could/would because of the "carrots" he threw out. The only relationship it seemd he was interested in was a physical one. That's when he would tell me he loved me "unconditionally". I at one time said that I couldn't do that and just remain friends and if he wanted a friendship then thats what we would have,but that I can't be intimate and remain "just" friends. My intentions were clear. My only intention was to be loved back. I didn't want to fix him,cure him,or help him. That seems to be a co-dependancy issue I don't have. In the end, my core issue of abandonment was triggered. After months of being involved with him, he told me that he was attracted to someone and wanted to pursue that.He also told me he was in rehab. That's when I knew that all along he did have an addiction and that he lied about it not being an issue. I ignored all the signs.

I know that he is not healthy emotionally because of his addictions and I know what his role in this relationship for me has been. As long as I was focused on him, I didn't have to face my own issues. It was my own drug. But in the end, I knew that it was time now to heal my wounds. I cannot ignore tham anymore.

I love this person. He has a lot of good qualities that I was attracted to. He was always attentive and loving while I was actually with him. But the rest of the time I was ignored.

I still want to maintain contact and am trying hard not to do anything. Keep on detaching. But I have this question that only he can answer and for whatever reasons I can't let go of it.

Maybe someone here can please help with it or tell me why I should or shouldn't ask it. I want to know what "role" I played? What need did I fulfill for him? Why did he involve me again in his life when he knew so clearly that a relationship in a healthy way was not something he was going to purse with me? Why go there with me at all? He knew what my intentions were. Does he really not know how much pain I felt? What was I to him??...

Why do I want this answered? Why can't I just let it go?

Can anyone here help me?

thank-you for reading this and if you have any responses for me..this is my first post.
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Old 08-17-2004, 08:38 PM
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Welcome Talia. Have you read any articles in the archives portion of SR? There is some really good stuff there that might help you understand the roles we play in an addict's life. Lightbulbs came on for me anyway. I know personally how hard it is to let go but it is absolutely essential in order to change our lives and stop the chaos and pain.

Good luck in your journey. Keep posting. There is wonderful support here from people who have been there and done that.
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Old 08-17-2004, 09:00 PM
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(((Talia))) it's nice to meet you, I'm glad you found us, please check out the power posts at the top of the forum, I think you'll find alot of good info there. Your at the end of a relationship, thats tough to deal with, it always hurts no matter what. You say it was a long distance relationship, was it an online one? or just where y'all spent time together and lived apart? I only ask because sometimes in an online love, you only see what that person wants you to see, it's so easy to put forth only the good things and hide the not so good. The same could be true in a actual long distance relationship too. It just seems more present in cyberspace. There may have been alot about him you didn't know and it's so easy to fall into a seemingly "perfect kinda love" You said he's in rehab, it's a good thing he's getting help. I can't tell you whether you should ask those questions or not, I can tell you that when dealing with an addict, you are most likely going to get a: an "I don't know" response or b: a response you may or may not want to hear. You have obviously done some studying and am well informed about things. I am happy to see you have persued some guidance for yourself, because you need to take care of you. Focus on yourself, not him, get in touch with you, you prob haven't really gotton in touch with you lately, have you? Do you really need to have these questions answered? what purpose does it really serve in the long run? He may not be capable of giving you those answers because he probebly doesn't know himself. I know your hurting, the key to making yourself feel better is in your hand. Take it, unlock the door to yourself and stay awhile. I hope to see you here often, there are really great people here. My prayers are with you, Hugs! Teggie
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Old 08-20-2004, 12:11 PM
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just wanted to thank you for the responses..it was not an online relationship..I am trying so hard to detach..and yes I am getting in touch with myself..something I have not done for awhille..I am so angry..angry with him..angry with me...I know you can't be a victim..unless you play the part of one..I'm angry with myself for allowing him to play on my emotions..I'm angry with him for doing that..it's hard for me not to want confront him...I know I need to forgive myself..and forgive him...having a hard time doing that...I feel like I made it so easy for him...I wrote a letter 3 weeks ago...saying I understood how and why we connected at all...that we wouldn't have "danced" together at all..if not for our own issues...it was my way of owning my responsibilty in this relationship..I said neither of us were bad people..that because of our childhood wounds...we had developed some behavioral issues...that didn't serve either of us well..I got a response...it said thank-you...that's it...now that more time has gone by...I realize how angry I am..and part of my anger...is..I guess I wanted to hear..and still want to hear...some sort of acknowledgement...on his part...some recognition...some admission....some sort of validation...that he sees how he used me...something that says...he sees what he did...I feel like what I wrote...he interpreted it to mean...I excuse his behaviour...I DON"T...I have not at this time evolved so much..that I can forgive and let go...on an intellectual level..I have...but on an emotional level..I guess..I want him to acknowledge HIS behaviour...OWN his role..does this make sense????.....I want to be validated...OWN that he did hurt me...OWN that his behaviour...no matter how screwed up it was....HURT ME..it was not okay...and I didn't deserve it..

thank you..for listening...today I am in pain....I'm angry at myself...for not being able to forgive and let go..I now this is hurting me..if I don't do that..but I can't seem to get there....

does anyone understand??....if you do..how did you come to terms with it all??...

thank-you
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Old 08-20-2004, 01:10 PM
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((((((Talia)))))))

I truly understand your pain. You have a lot of insight into the love addiction/love avoidance issue and have a great understanding of the dynamics of your relationship.

He, on the other hand, doesn't have a clue.

He has no idea what need you filled or what role you played in his psyche. He does not have that insight. Plus he also has an addiction, which clouds everything else anyway, and all that other stuff requires deep soul searching to understand and come to terms with.

You are light years ahead of him.

He will never validate you in the way you want and/or need him to. He will never acknowledge any of it. At least, not until he finds it within himself to address his own deeply rooted personal issues.

Try to focus on letting go. Waiting on him to tell you what you want to hear may drive you nuts.

Take care,
JG
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Old 08-20-2004, 05:05 PM
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JG,

thank-you for taking the time to respond to my post...it did help..a lot..and it has helped me to let go a little bit more...and I'll keep reading it...so I can keep on letting go....

you made a difference today...and I am grateful....

talia
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Old 08-20-2004, 10:08 PM
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Hey Talia!

I really understand what you are saying about the anger and the desire for him to acknowledge his part in the relationship. Are you sure you aren't talking about my life?

I'm better now than I used to be but still, sometimes that desire to make him into the person I want him to be creeps in. I find myself thinking... if he did that, then I'll do that, and then we will... it starts with a simple thought and quickly I'm wanting to control everything about him and how he is with me. If I'm honest with myself I realize now that it's not my business what he does, how he does it and who he does it with.

Wow! was that scary to type even now when I know it's the truth. It's the letting go that creates this panic inside of me, as if I might fall. I never do fall though, everytime I let go a little bit, I feel panic and then I settle into that new unknown space that I created just for me.

I've tried the pouring my feelings out to him thing too. I called it "honesty", I know now what I was really trying to do was to get him back into our unhealthy dance. I blame you, you blame me thing.

Maybe I'm not making any sense with this post, but I do understand what you are going through and I know that it helps to stop wondering about what he thinks and start to figure out why you think what you think and how you can feel better, and get rid of the anger and resentments.

A good start is an alanon meeting.

I wish you the best and I feel your pain.

Many hugs!

marci
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Old 08-20-2004, 11:27 PM
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Talia

It does get better. At times I just wished it had done so a little faster *LOL*

I tried to rationalize things away. tried giving it to God. tried pity party.
tried giving it to God again because I keep taking it back. Tried rationalizing it some more (worked a little bit) Time worked a little. Giving it to God and not taking it back has worked the best.

revenge, self pity, anger, selfishness, codependant, the asking what if?
rationalization after the asking what if but removing the fantasy parts as I think things out realisticly....

I think I over think things *LOL* So I need to keep things simple...
yesterday was yesterday. Can't change it.
Tomorrow isn't here yet so I can't change tomorrow.
Just need to deal with the things of today.

So if you start to overthink things as I do at times...
Keep it simple and know that God will handle it in time as we allow Him to.
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Old 08-21-2004, 07:17 AM
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I think all of you are talking about my life.
I wish all the time that my AH would take responsibility for what has happened in our marriage and life. Now that he is living with "that woman" and his Mother I get to hear from all of his family how I SCREWED UP HIS LIFE. I screwed up his life...what a laugh. Not to say that I didn't make mistakes because I did. I realize now that all the things I did to get him to admit he had a problem, were actually the wrong things to do. I have to work on me and get me healthy so that maybe my two youngest kids won't grow up to have the same problems.
Love and Hugs
Kat

Last edited by kfa2004; 08-21-2004 at 07:18 AM. Reason: Terrible spelling
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Old 08-21-2004, 08:05 AM
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Hi marci and best,

thank-you both for your responses...it is so nice to be understood..you both touched on what I do..which is to "overthink"...asking the "what ifs"..feeling "panic' when I think about letting go...

I am working on that part..the part..that what happens to him...is between him and God...that it's none of my business..

it helped me to know...that you both are doing that...and that it is working for you..and has helped you...because "turning it over to God"..is something I am developing...my relationship with God hasn't been that good..I felt he abandoned me too..so I haven't gone to Him for help for a long time...so it's been scary to give Him back control...it's scary to trust him...but I am working on that...because I know I can't do it myself..I don't want to do it by myself anymore..doing it by myself doesn't work...


all to say...that in hearing that it does work for you and has helped.. has helped me to trust a little bit more..have a little bit more faith...everyday is a struggle for me..the "thinking" still wants to control..and it still wins over sometimes.I guess I am still in the "infancy" stages of "let go and let God"??...my trust is not totally there yet..

thanks so much for helping me...it's nice to relate to people..who know how you feel..and understand...

talia
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