If addicts think dying is the worst thing...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: WV
Posts: 83
If addicts think dying is the worst thing...
I haven't posted here in quite a while, but logged in once & in a while to lurk.
Quick history, 23 year old son started with pot at 14 & gradually escalated to heroin over the years. I did the same thing most parents here have done. Helped/enabled, a couple of rehabs, tough love, etc.
It's cliche', but there was a good kid locked in there somewhere. He felt bad about what he was doing to himself & his family, & that guilt led to doing more drugs to numb himself. I'm a straight shooter, if he was a piece of crap, I'd tell you so. He did some truly awful things on his binges, but always tried to sober up. He once told me that I had no idea how he struggled to stay sober from the time his feet hit the floor to the time he fell asleep at night. His addiction was a truly heavy weight for him to carry. The family thought he was doing okay. After the multiple thefts & drama, we all took a step back & made him stand on his own. We knew he smoked pot & did the occasional pill, but considering what we saw when he was on heroin, its' sad but we considered that a win. He looked good, had put on weight & had had the same job for over a year.
3 weeks ago, I got the call that we had all prepared ourselves for. Son was found unresponsive, no heart beat, no breathing with one empty syringe & one full one next to him. After working on him for 20 minutes, the paramedics restarted his heart with the 4th shock from the defib. I was told he had been "dead" for at least 15 minutes. When I arrived at the ER, he was on a ventilator & the nurses were wrapping his torso in packs connected to a machine that would cool his body down. the process used his body as a radiator to cool his blood in an attempt to keep his brain cool to combat swelling. Usually the body dropped to the lower temp in 3 hours. It took him 9 hours to reach the goal temp. So he was transferred to ICU unable to breath on his own & we were all strapped in to a roller coaster ride through Hell. As I said, I'm a straight shooter, my logical side generally overrides my emotional side. I asked direct questions & rarely got straight answers. I came to recognize that the staff walked a very fine line between honesty & sensitivity. The first day a nurse was honest enough to tell me that after 5 minutes without oxygen, there is major brain damage. My son went at least 15 minutes without oxygen. After hearing that, as far as I was concerned, my son's soul was no longer in his body.
I'll condense this, as I could write a small book with all that happened over the last 3 weeks.
Week one:
Son was in a medically induced coma. Also being treated for withdrawals. On the 4th day, the CT scan showed "severe irreparable brain damage". Specifically to his brain stem & the back of his brain. Doctor1 said it was time to think about making decisions, doctor2 said he wasn't prepared to withdraw care. Both docs agreed if the best case happened & he got up & walked out of the hospital, my son would not be the person I knew. But doc2 called the shot & he said we wait. Wait for the 104 fever to break & then we'll back the sedation off & see what we see. I asked the nurses to elaborate on the "best case" scenario. Tell me about the lives of people who have walked out. One example was a man who had a healthy 28 year old body but the mind of a 3 year old. He was eventually confined to a nursing home after hurting several children he tried to play with. Not on purpose of course, but he was strong, 200 pound "3 year old". Accidents happened. Another example was a man who had to be locked in a room at night. He would get up & roam the neighbor hood in the middle of the night & try to come home to the wrong house. & of course the violent, insane example that had to be committed to an institution for life.
The worst case was my son was a vegetable who would never regain consciousness. Yes, my friends, to me that's the worst case. Back to the nightmare.
Week two:
Still on the vent, but sedation was backed off. He started moving occasionally. But as with every thing he did, we were told that it could be a good sign or it could just be a neurological reaction. From this point on, I'll refer to this as GS/NR. That explanation became maddening. One night, as I always did, I kissed him on the forehead as I left & his eyes opened. Hope soared! Gs/nr. He also started to take breaths on his own over the vent. Great, right? Gs/nr. Hope & despair went hand in hand 24/7. Later in the day after the sedation was completely off, he started having seizures. Linda Blair exorcist seizures. At times there was a full 12" of air between his back & the bed. Doc said they may be caused by withdrawals, so back on the sedation & withdrawal meds. It became a never ending cycle. We can't run tests because he's on sedation. He has seizures without it, so we wait. I'm not an idiot, I did an enormous amount of research on brain injuries while this was going on. I knew the seizures were a bad sign. But it seemed the staff was walking that fine line I spoke of earlier.
Week three:
The 3rd doc on the team took the lead, liked him immediately, he didn't bull spit with us. He said after 10 days you would expect a lot more from the patient than what has been seen. It could take a year for his brain to re-wire what it could, but the outlook was very poor. It was time to make a decision. My son sure as hell would not want to live in the condition he was in & we didn't either. The family took him off the vent (he could breath on his own) & the staff proceeded to make him comfortable. 3 days later, as I held one hand & his mother held the other, our son died.
I've lived a full life. I've known pain. I've been through a painful divorce & lost my mother. I didn't know sh!t. Nothing can describe the agonizing pain & despair that my family went through in those 3 weeks. Grasping at hope when he moved or opened his eyes, knowing it probably meant nothing. Dreaming of him waking up only to wake to a nightmare when the alarm sounded. Our family is shattered & I don't know if we'll recover. But we're trying. My son's struggle is over, our struggle is just beginning.
Again, we had been prepared for years to the get the call that he was gone. We weren't prepared for this. The lesson I would like you to pass on to the addicts that you love is this, if they think dying is the worst that can happen to them, they're so very, very wrong.
Rest in peace, my Son.
Quick history, 23 year old son started with pot at 14 & gradually escalated to heroin over the years. I did the same thing most parents here have done. Helped/enabled, a couple of rehabs, tough love, etc.
It's cliche', but there was a good kid locked in there somewhere. He felt bad about what he was doing to himself & his family, & that guilt led to doing more drugs to numb himself. I'm a straight shooter, if he was a piece of crap, I'd tell you so. He did some truly awful things on his binges, but always tried to sober up. He once told me that I had no idea how he struggled to stay sober from the time his feet hit the floor to the time he fell asleep at night. His addiction was a truly heavy weight for him to carry. The family thought he was doing okay. After the multiple thefts & drama, we all took a step back & made him stand on his own. We knew he smoked pot & did the occasional pill, but considering what we saw when he was on heroin, its' sad but we considered that a win. He looked good, had put on weight & had had the same job for over a year.
3 weeks ago, I got the call that we had all prepared ourselves for. Son was found unresponsive, no heart beat, no breathing with one empty syringe & one full one next to him. After working on him for 20 minutes, the paramedics restarted his heart with the 4th shock from the defib. I was told he had been "dead" for at least 15 minutes. When I arrived at the ER, he was on a ventilator & the nurses were wrapping his torso in packs connected to a machine that would cool his body down. the process used his body as a radiator to cool his blood in an attempt to keep his brain cool to combat swelling. Usually the body dropped to the lower temp in 3 hours. It took him 9 hours to reach the goal temp. So he was transferred to ICU unable to breath on his own & we were all strapped in to a roller coaster ride through Hell. As I said, I'm a straight shooter, my logical side generally overrides my emotional side. I asked direct questions & rarely got straight answers. I came to recognize that the staff walked a very fine line between honesty & sensitivity. The first day a nurse was honest enough to tell me that after 5 minutes without oxygen, there is major brain damage. My son went at least 15 minutes without oxygen. After hearing that, as far as I was concerned, my son's soul was no longer in his body.
I'll condense this, as I could write a small book with all that happened over the last 3 weeks.
Week one:
Son was in a medically induced coma. Also being treated for withdrawals. On the 4th day, the CT scan showed "severe irreparable brain damage". Specifically to his brain stem & the back of his brain. Doctor1 said it was time to think about making decisions, doctor2 said he wasn't prepared to withdraw care. Both docs agreed if the best case happened & he got up & walked out of the hospital, my son would not be the person I knew. But doc2 called the shot & he said we wait. Wait for the 104 fever to break & then we'll back the sedation off & see what we see. I asked the nurses to elaborate on the "best case" scenario. Tell me about the lives of people who have walked out. One example was a man who had a healthy 28 year old body but the mind of a 3 year old. He was eventually confined to a nursing home after hurting several children he tried to play with. Not on purpose of course, but he was strong, 200 pound "3 year old". Accidents happened. Another example was a man who had to be locked in a room at night. He would get up & roam the neighbor hood in the middle of the night & try to come home to the wrong house. & of course the violent, insane example that had to be committed to an institution for life.
The worst case was my son was a vegetable who would never regain consciousness. Yes, my friends, to me that's the worst case. Back to the nightmare.
Week two:
Still on the vent, but sedation was backed off. He started moving occasionally. But as with every thing he did, we were told that it could be a good sign or it could just be a neurological reaction. From this point on, I'll refer to this as GS/NR. That explanation became maddening. One night, as I always did, I kissed him on the forehead as I left & his eyes opened. Hope soared! Gs/nr. He also started to take breaths on his own over the vent. Great, right? Gs/nr. Hope & despair went hand in hand 24/7. Later in the day after the sedation was completely off, he started having seizures. Linda Blair exorcist seizures. At times there was a full 12" of air between his back & the bed. Doc said they may be caused by withdrawals, so back on the sedation & withdrawal meds. It became a never ending cycle. We can't run tests because he's on sedation. He has seizures without it, so we wait. I'm not an idiot, I did an enormous amount of research on brain injuries while this was going on. I knew the seizures were a bad sign. But it seemed the staff was walking that fine line I spoke of earlier.
Week three:
The 3rd doc on the team took the lead, liked him immediately, he didn't bull spit with us. He said after 10 days you would expect a lot more from the patient than what has been seen. It could take a year for his brain to re-wire what it could, but the outlook was very poor. It was time to make a decision. My son sure as hell would not want to live in the condition he was in & we didn't either. The family took him off the vent (he could breath on his own) & the staff proceeded to make him comfortable. 3 days later, as I held one hand & his mother held the other, our son died.
I've lived a full life. I've known pain. I've been through a painful divorce & lost my mother. I didn't know sh!t. Nothing can describe the agonizing pain & despair that my family went through in those 3 weeks. Grasping at hope when he moved or opened his eyes, knowing it probably meant nothing. Dreaming of him waking up only to wake to a nightmare when the alarm sounded. Our family is shattered & I don't know if we'll recover. But we're trying. My son's struggle is over, our struggle is just beginning.
Again, we had been prepared for years to the get the call that he was gone. We weren't prepared for this. The lesson I would like you to pass on to the addicts that you love is this, if they think dying is the worst that can happen to them, they're so very, very wrong.
Rest in peace, my Son.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I pray that you find strength each day to deal with this terrible tragedy.
I am so very sorry. The absolute worst thing, I think, losing a child to drugs, this way.
Thank you for sharing your son's story.I pray it helps someone to choose recovery.
May your son rest in sweet peace.
I am so very sorry. The absolute worst thing, I think, losing a child to drugs, this way.
Thank you for sharing your son's story.I pray it helps someone to choose recovery.
May your son rest in sweet peace.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I am so very sorry. My parents lost a daughter to an accidental drug and alcohol overdose. She was a pharmacist.
May the peace that surrounds him now, as he steps into the next part of his souls journey, envelope you and his mom, as you move through your grief.
Blessings
May the peace that surrounds him now, as he steps into the next part of his souls journey, envelope you and his mom, as you move through your grief.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
That your son passed with those closest to him holding his
hand as he passed from this plane to the next.....
---yes, death is not the worst thing that can happen to us.
But in the darkest moments any human can possibly know,
you made the decision that he would not face it alone.
And that,gentle readers..... is the very best china that
humanity has to offer.
hand as he passed from this plane to the next.....
---yes, death is not the worst thing that can happen to us.
But in the darkest moments any human can possibly know,
you made the decision that he would not face it alone.
And that,gentle readers..... is the very best china that
humanity has to offer.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
M4C...my heartfelt condolences for your loss.
I hope, when you're ready to, you'll check in from time to time to let us know how you're doing.
God bless.
I hope, when you're ready to, you'll check in from time to time to let us know how you're doing.
God bless.
I will pray for peace of mind for your family. 
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
My heart goes out to you. Much of how you described your son and the person behind the heroin is how I always felt about my daughter. I remember holding her in my arms on the ground , hearing her cries filled with heart breaking pain and asking if I really thought she wanted to be like this.
I too think death is not the worst that can happen. I hope in time you will find comfort in the pre-addiction memories of your precious son. I'm so sorry for your pain and this terrible loss.
I too think death is not the worst that can happen. I hope in time you will find comfort in the pre-addiction memories of your precious son. I'm so sorry for your pain and this terrible loss.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
