What am I supposed to do

Old 03-18-2015, 12:10 PM
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What am I supposed to do

I posted on here a few days ago about my husband being an IV heroin addict and how he had just finished detox 2 weeks ago. He was doing great until a couple days ago, I got a bad feeling in my gut that something was wrong and when I questioned him, I could tell that he was lying. I had $600 come up missing and I found $200 hidden in the seat of the car. When I asked him about it, he swore up and down that he never touched it and he had no idea how that $200 got in the car because he didn't do it. I can't take the lies! Yesterday I found texts in his phone from his dealer, so me being angry, I called him. Idk what I thought I was going to accomplish, but I wasn't going to sit back and let heroin ruin the little bit of life I had left. Anyway, he admitted to me last night that he bought a $50 bag a few days ago bc he was still sick and he couldn't take it anymore. I KNEW it!! Then today, he got so mad because I wouldn't give him money and the car keys to the only car he didn't sell, he told my 5 year old that I stole his money and all kinds of stuff. Little did I know, he had a spare key made without my knowledge and he left in the car. I still have the money, but now I have no idea where he is because I still have his phone too. He just called me from a restricted number and told me he wants help and he doesn't know where to go to get it, but he wouldn't tell me where he was either. Idk what to do, he told me he wishes he was dead and that he wants to kill himself, I'm freaking out... What do I do?!?!
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Old 03-18-2015, 12:25 PM
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Pray, if you believe in a Higher Power, then call 911 and report your suicidal husband and car missing. Don't waffle on the suicidal part or they won't do anything until he's been missing over 24 hours. After that, get very very busy and distract yourself as best as you can.

I'm saying a prayer for serenity and recovery for your entire family.
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Old 03-18-2015, 12:33 PM
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What do I do?!?!
MissM0...

It's critical that you understand how powerful heroin is. It's also critical that you understand that your AH is not to be trusted. And when he says something like this --

Idk what to do, he told me he wishes he was dead and that he wants to kill himself, I'm freaking out... What do I do?!?!
-- it's an incredibly manipulative thing to do. And it's incredibly cruel. If you learn where he is and he pulls this again, call 911, for as manipulative as it is, it also has to be taken seriously.

You have some decisions on your doorstep, ones you may not want to make. And chief among them, how long are you willing to ride this out, and how much are you able to take.

Keep us posted. Please be safe.
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Old 03-18-2015, 01:45 PM
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Everything happening in this moment is exactly what it is like to live with a heroin addict.

Detox didn’t end 2 weeks ago, the physical may have been getting better but then the mental starts and that is much worse…

What do you do? Stay in the limits of what you have control over.

Suicide threats and wanting to be dead have to be taken serious. There is no wavering and no assigning it as a game. It is a 911 call right away. All you can do in terms of him after is pray.

In terms of you, well you are going to have to decide if you are in or out. Either you are going to take the ride, accept that he is an addict and all that comes with it. Or you save yourself and separate from him and take care of you. I do hope you took some of the advice given to you in the other thread you had here and separated your finances and started protecting yourself from his addiction.

And you need to get that spare key in your possession, even more so if the car is in your name only.

Stay safe!
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Old 03-18-2015, 02:51 PM
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I am sorry for this horrible situation! I am sorry too for your little one hearing his craziness. Protect yourselves first, and let him do the work that is his alone to do.

prayers for things to fall into place, as you take care of yourself.

hugs
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Old 03-18-2015, 07:10 PM
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Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement. Today has definitely been a hard day for me. I have taken all advice offered to me, I am appreciative of others thinking of things I hadn't. I have started counseling with someone who specializes in drug and alcohol addiction and family members affected by it, because I want to be able to learn to cope with everything and learn how to help him help himself. I have control of all finances and I have unlimited power of attorney over him as well. It was my fault for being negligent with the rent money, I was naive to put it somewhere he knew about, I'm still learning to not trust him at all. I never thought he would stoop so low to do anything like this in front of our son, but as I said, I'm trying my best to learn how to change my perception of who this drug has turned him into. I'm definitely in it for the long haul, I won't give up on him and will do everything in my power to help him find a recovery program that will work for him. But I had to make a really hard decision today, one that I'm not even sure was the right one. His dad called and told me that he showed up there, crying, asking him for advice on what to do and how to change his life. They talked for a long time and he's almost ready to finally consider residential or IOP. But I had to to put my foot down today and say that whatever he chooses to do I will support, but he can't come back here until he's stable. It broke my heart to say it, but I have to protect my son and his well being. He loves his dad so much, I don't want him to lose that image of him. I don't want my son to be afraid of his dad or feel like he's hurting me. It was hard, but it would have been selfish of me to welcome him back home after today, he needs help. I love him with all of my heart, but I just don't know what else to do...
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Old 03-19-2015, 04:27 AM
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I’m glad that he is ok. And I do hope you stay around. There is so much to learn.

Addiction will never make sense and it can’t be rationalized. Addiction is an opposite. Everything you would do in some normal situation will have an opposite effect in addiction.

I know it can be overwhelming. I know it feels desperate. I haven’t yet forgotten the early days, the insanity in my head, the fear, the worry, the confusion and the need to do something, anything. Because hell shouldn’t I be able to help him? If I could take one word to describe that time it would be convoluted. And it was all so convoluted.

The lies … they always show the truth. It is just that everyone gets so hung up with the fact they are being lied to, that they forget the lies are showing them exactly what they have in front of them.

And trust … it isn’t about learning not to trust him. You should trust the fact that he will do exactly what he wants to and you won’t be able to stop him. And even more so the one thing that will help you more is learning to trust yourself. Counselling may be a huge help there.

There is a great quote from Gavin de Becker on denial. “Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so.”

I am not sure there is a way to cope with anyone actively using. I would question if it is even healthy to want to cope. Finding acceptance is good though. Learning to accept that this isn’t personal, that he isn’t using at you … accepting they are an addict, accepting you have no control over anyone but yourself that would be healthy and beneficial to you.

You did nothing wrong with the money. You did not take it and go out and cop, he did.

When we advise you to protect yourself financially, it is so that you will not be put into any further hole because he isn’t done. Please note that stopping his access to money will not stop him from using. You don’t take that action because of him, to protect him, to save him or to stop him from using. You do that to protect yourself and save yourself from any more financial havoc.

This will be an inside job for him. Not letting him come home, well in my head that is a good thing. Watch motive. If you aren’t letting him come home because you think it will force him to get help … again going back to how opposite addiction is … that may not be healthy. But if you aren’t letting him come home to protect you, your child and to bring peace and safety into your home, that is very healthy and what you should be doing. And I know it is hard and heart breaking.

I am so glad you are going to counselling. That is the one thing I do think helps in this situation. It is in learning our whys that helps us to make the best decisions we can for our health, welfare and safety.

Take good care of you.

(((hugs)))
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Old 03-22-2015, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by MissM0 View Post
Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement. Today has definitely been a hard day for me. I have taken all advice offered to me, I am appreciative of others thinking of things I hadn't. I have started counseling with someone who specializes in drug and alcohol addiction and family members affected by it, because I want to be able to learn to cope with everything and learn how to help him help himself. I have control of all finances and I have unlimited power of attorney over him as well. It was my fault for being negligent with the rent money, I was naive to put it somewhere he knew about, I'm still learning to not trust him at all. I never thought he would stoop so low to do anything like this in front of our son, but as I said, I'm trying my best to learn how to change my perception of who this drug has turned him into. I'm definitely in it for the long haul, I won't give up on him and will do everything in my power to help him find a recovery program that will work for him. But I had to make a really hard decision today, one that I'm not even sure was the right one. His dad called and told me that he showed up there, crying, asking him for advice on what to do and how to change his life. They talked for a long time and he's almost ready to finally consider residential or IOP. But I had to to put my foot down today and say that whatever he chooses to do I will support, but he can't come back here until he's stable. It broke my heart to say it, but I have to protect my son and his well being. He loves his dad so much, I don't want him to lose that image of him. I don't want my son to be afraid of his dad or feel like he's hurting me. It was hard, but it would have been selfish of me to welcome him back home after today, he needs help. I love him with all of my heart, but I just don't know what else to do...
I'm glad I'm not the only one out there who says they will b in it for the long haul. I'm glad I'm not crazy. cept my man left me so..it's a little different haha.
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:02 AM
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Hey everyone, I'm sorry I haven't been on to give an update for so long. Here's a little bit of what's been going on the last week and a half...

I got him an appointment at a recovery center last Friday, it's over an hour away and it's all outpatient, but it's the only one around here that will take his new Medicaid and is accepting new patients. I took him to his appointment, he did all of his paperwork, took his drug test and was told to call Monday morning to schedule his appointment with the doctor to begin the program. Well, we called Monday morning, and when I spoke with the director, she informed me that they aren't actually accepting new clients and he is going on a waiting list. Seriously?! Again?! I keep running into this issue, heroin is such an epidemic around here that resources are very limited. It's so frustrating.

Anyway, he came home last weekend so we could talk and I agreed to let him stay. He told me that he had bought some Suboxone and was going to try this again. I was angry that he bought them, but in a way I was relieved, at least it wasn't heroin... He had 5 strips and was taking a quarter of one in the morning, afternoon and at night. It's not ideal, but if this is what he needed to do for a few days, then I was ok with it.

I got him into our family physician day before yesterday in hopes of getting some help on what to do next. He told the doctor everything, but it was obvious that he had never had a patient in this situation before, as he just stared in awe. With no experience with someone battling a heroin addiction, he wasn't sure what to do. He started him on Wellbutrin and a sleeping pill, and told him to come back in 2 weeks for a follow up, so we'll see how that goes.

As for the Suboxone, he's doing pretty well with it. He started taking 3/4 of a strip each day for the first 2 days, then just a half (one quarter in the morning, one quarter at night) for about 3 days, then just one quarter in the morning. Yesterday was the first day he didn't take any, he slept a lot, but his body didn't hurt and he was able to eat, he didn't throw up, nothing! I know it is important that we take it one day at a time, but I was relieved that yesterday went smoothly. Today is a new day, anything could happen, but I'm optimistic. There is still some Suboxone left, but I hope he doesn't need it. He's doing great right now, I am praying for him to continue being strong.

He is such a good man, a good father, a great provider who would give up anything for his family, he would go without so that we wouldn't have to, he's wonderful. I've been with him since I graduated high school, he's my whole life and I hope that I am finally getting him back. When I found out he says using, it hurt so much, I felt like I had been replaced by something he loved more than me. I can't compete with something I can't even completely understand, I can't make him love me more than heroin. I'm just glad he's trying so hard to fight back and not let this control him anymore, heroin has had him long enough, I want him back now. Together we will win this battle, I know we will.

I promise to keep everyone updated, thank you all for everything, I send my love to each of you!
((hugs)) ♥
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