Duckygirl1

i have a FB page that I haven't posted on since before my xabf left for rehab back in September. I've peeked maybe 4 times since, but no posting. He deactivated his page before he left and I was blocked before that anyway. So last night I go on and went to look up a girlfriend in Chicago. She and the ex have the same first 2 letters in their first names.

Surprise, surprise! His name popped up. He deactivated his page and unblocked me. So, yep I took a gander. He's doing just dandy! New friends, nice new expensive tattoo (could chip in for the storage space, but naaaaaah that would be thinking of someone else) and he sounds real positive. Got a lot of friends to hit up and make plans for the weekend with It must be so nice not to have any bills or serious responsibilities beyond not getting wasted.

He kicked the last drugs in Dec. I don't begrudge him his healing, but I swear that place is more like summer camp! Boo hoo, they have to follow rules and do chores. Yeah, like we don't. My girlfriend saw him at the aid office with a group from the rehab probably getting their housing and medical paperwork done. She was getting help with her oil bill. He looked her dead in the face and turned away. That much I get. He likes to pretend no one knows where he is. Just like he used to think no one knew he was an addict. She said it was like watching a bunch of middle schoolers. Sounds 'bout right.

Needless to say I deactivated my page and won't be on his. I'm just going to **** myself off more than I already am.

SabrinaQ

I can relate to this.

My ex-husb is quite sociable (almost everyone likes him),
and he has a bunch of new friends, who are clean, plus other new friends who have nothing to do with drugs.

How great for him, huh?

Meanwhile I am 37 and it seems that everyone I meet (male or female)
is either
a) married with kids, so in a different universe
b) twelve years younger than me.

I might be exaggerating, but it is hard.

So I know where you're coming from.
My ex is also immature for his age, even though he is coming on to two years sober.
At least he doesn't have a girlfriend. Says he's not ready for that, and he's right.

allmirages

Duckygirl – boy does your post hit close to home! My xabf got out of rehab and went into sober housing about 2 months ago. Kicked me to the curb with no explanation so I felt compelled to “look” for answers via FB. He looks happier than ever, doing the community service program all the time (pays his court fines, makes him look/feel good). His “group” goes to meetings together, have weekly dinners together, post on FB all the time, have game nights, etc. Seems he has a new girlfriend because the pics/posts make it look that way but he denies it. And I think he finally got a job after not working for 6+ months.

So, with all that said, I had the same thoughts as you…must be nice to do community service to feel good about yourself…have this big new social network, etc. No baggage with any of them so I’m sure they get along just great. I sure would love to have time to do all that. Or even time to work on myself. But no, I have a FT job, bills, children, a home to take care of, etc. Not to mention dealing with the aftermath of the relationship ending how it did and trying to get over all the hurt and betrayal of everything that has happened over the years. I got no apology/amends, etc.

However, the reality is recovery is hard work. While it may look like fun and games, it is evident every addict struggles to stay sober..period. Look at the relapse rates. My x was a H addict. So now, I look at this differently. He spent every single day of his life for I don’t even know how many years, getting high. So, if filling up all his time doing what he is doing works for him, at least he’s sober. I’m not saying it’s fair or that I like it because it’s not and I don’t. But, it is what it is.

Thank you for your post, glad to know I’m not the only one with the same thoughts. And I have finally learned my lesson…I'm done checking!!!! It just sets me back and I want to move forward with MY life and be HAPPY, too.

Duckygirl1

Thanks ya'll. it is such hard work to stay sober. I have an eating disorder with no chance to escape my life and go away for nice 7 day detox much less a year in house. But an eating disorder doesn't get you a dui. I can only do a group online, keep a journal and pray. And I'm a chef to top it off. It's like being an alcoholic bartender. Yet somehow I cope.

Sabrina- when I went to visit my ex before being unceremoniously dumped, he was already mr life of the house! Charm on a bun! And like your ex no more than a big kid being voted most popular in HS again. I try to make friends, but work leaves me little time and like you everyone I meet is married, very young or well into retirement. I'm going to really try and rebuild my social life this summer.

Allmirages- what is it with the getting dumped when they go into rehab?? Why do they say that a person in recovery should not be in a relationship with the opposite sex, then these places throw sick men and women together at every opportunity while minimizing contact with the SO that stood by them?! If it looks like he has a girl, he does. I know mine does without the pics. Maybe if these places took it a bit more seriously the relapse rate wouldn't be so high. This will be my ex's 5th rehab stint. He was H, xanax, alchol, weed. Did meth and crack once. If he relapses again after this, it could be his life

hopeful4

Sometimes things on FB appear much better than they actually are. Don't forget that. When my X husband and I were still together, you could look at my FB page and not know anything at all was wrong with either one of us. However, if you looked in our home environment it would have told you something else completely.

Hugs to you!

allmirages

AMEN!! This rehab put the community service program together as part of their aftercare program. It was meant to keep them busy until they find jobs and can occupy their time with good activities. All new rehab graduates are encouraged to participate. The problem, like you said, is they are now mixing men/women barely sober with raging hormones, struggling to stay sober and are spending an inordinate amount of time together. I feel I was just pushed out of the equation. Those in the program are now his "family" and they spend so much time together on a daily basis...they've spent more time with him over the last 2 months than I've spent with him over the last year!! Young women are getting pregnant from hooking up in the community service program. It is utterly crazy!!

Prayers to you. You sound like a very strong person. Thank you for sharing here.

Strugglingwife7

My husband is also very sociable, handsome and well liked by all of his peers. His old friends are now bad mouthing me and saying he is the victim and boy did he try everything to make our marriage work. He also has this network of people from his NA groups that he is socializing with. I also recently found out he has had a thing for his addiction therapist who happens to be my age and he wrote her a love letter. A real gem he is! Its okay though because although he is clean and happy he still has those demons he has to fight on a daily basis. And eventually his true colors will show again. If he never does drugs again and does find that happiness with someone else or who knows, he may have already that is fine too. you also deserve happiness! You WILL find it again and that is exactly what I am going to do as well. Keep your chin up. I am 33 and now will free myself to someone who deserves my time and won't hurt me anymore. Good luck.

Vale

People can put anything they want on facebook.
And that is what they tend to do. Unlike life,
there are no hard requirements, quals to keep
up, recurring responsibilities----
Vales FB page is rather sparse.
Little sparrow doesn't fly south with his pals
for winter.Soon, his wings freeze. Can't fly.
Forlorn! Big cow poops on him. Wings defrost,
birdie chirps happily---coyote hears chirping
,eats birdie.
Moral? Not everyone who poops on you is your
enemy/ not everyone who pulls you out of poop
pile is your friend----and if you find yourself warm
and happy in a pile of poop.....keep your mouth
shut!!
Vale has a great life. Vale keeps his mouth shut.
What some see as FB braggadocio--Vale sees
as targeting data.
Vale CAN be targeted----but he's 'gonna make
the the targeteer WORK for it!

Duckygirl1

It's so crazy!!! From what I could see from my ex's rehab, some of the counselors were ex addicts themselves who had daily struggles and I could barely tell them from the clients.

Allmirages- you are dead on!!! My ex is 39 (I'm 48, bit of a cougar I guess) and I had to try and explain why hanging out with 18 year old co workers was not a good idea. But I was just called crazy and jealous until his boss took notice and threatened to fire him. He is spending more time with his new family and girls who he has a clean slate with than he ever did with me. They get to spend time with him sober like I never did!! They are all so self absorbed and doing nothing but "keeping busy" there is no pressure to grow up.

No wonder the relapse rate is so high. If I lived somewhere that fed me 3x a day,, cut off my access to food, just worked on me, hangout with other binge eaters/ENDO's with no pressure, I'd be fine too. The most vicious dog in the world is no threat if the chain is big enough. But then what? You get a job with "normies" who don't know or care about your disease and treat you like everyone else and hold you to the same standards. You have to be present for your original family. You have obligations. This just seems like a model that needs serious overhaul. I've googled enough stories and research to say there is a definite pattern of abandoning SO's after entering these facilities. The pat answer is "it's their fault you can't blame NA/AA/sponsors etc.", but there is a culture and attitude that facilitates and encourages this behavior all in the name of a sobriety that is untested in the real world and tenuous after they are cut free.

Abandonment is a form of emotional abuse. When they did it using, it was horrible. When they do it sober, it's just part of the process. No matter what, we get the short end of the stick. No doubt my ex's Olympic level enablers will cushion the blows as much as possible.

Duckygirl1

vale! Love that!!!!!

Vale

Vale needs to go to rehab!
I 'wanna be BMOC again!
Turn on the charms with the
fair sex ( That Mrs Vale has
had 38 years to see right
through!!!)
No snowstorms, complexities
or problems (otherwise known as
LIFE)
So......who is 'gonna sponsor
Vale. I want a really nice rehab, one
of those $70k ones on the beach.
And LOTS of pretty ladies, each
fresh from years of amateur psychochemical
brain surgery. Ones that are DONE with those
boring drones of theirs!
It's 'gonna be GREAT! Just like high school
again!!!! Vale is packed, sitting on his doorstep,
ready to go!!!! Just waiting for that sponsor��
BTW.....I'm changing my SR handle from
the (oh so boring 'Vale') to "suaveandohsocharming
Petersexypants".
Responsibility sucks. Freefall is cool.

Vale

Hey! I've been sitting here awhile.
(Where are my sponsors!?!?)
Did I mention easy terms can be arranged?

Anybody!?!?

(cue soundtrack of chirping cricketts)

And so it was.....suaveandohsocharmingPeter
sexypants was just Vale after all-----albeit with
some cheap bling and a ridiculous haircut.

We all have to face life on lifes terms in the end.
Gravity and mortgages apply to everyone
(except astronauts who rent......I HATE those
SOBs!)
What's wrong with being human? The ups , the
downs . I still mourn all my long dead doggies---
but I'm more happy that they lived and shared
their stupid antics with me.
On second thought,screw rehab. I can go to
the beach myself.....even if I don't have the six
pack all those guys have in the brochures!

zoso77

Speaking personally, I have no use for Facebook. I think it encourages people to use their worst judgment.

If I want someone to know what's going on in my life, I'll tell them myself.

allmirages

amen....

Hawks

Print out and stick near your computer.

hopeful4

Sorry Vale...looks like it's a no go for ya!

allmirages

Thank you Hawks....I love the pic...sooooo true!! Actually, I refuse to sign into FB on a pc. It's too easy to be tempted to "seach" stuff so I am sticking to looking at FB very minimally and only on my phone

Vale

Hey, Hopeful.........it's only been a few hours!

(Vale, still packed, still sitting on front
doorstep........listening to same crickets....
as shadows grow long!)

Carlotta

I'll sponsor you ducky
No nice rehab for you
90/90, steps, service, amends
The men with the men and the women with the women
(I don't count because I am a grumpy old menopausal cat)
Passing it on. NO: not a VD to that hot young chick
but the program that sad lonely guy in the corner.
and
No more facebook for you!!!


Seriously, I think that FB is to codies what non alcoholic beer is to alcoholics. Even I sometimes succomb to the call of snooping. Like others have said, we have to remember that things on FB are like a nice window dressing and often times there is no substance behind it.
My facebook page was awesome. Not so much nowadays I rarely log on. All those charitable causes, activism, pictures of all my activities and friends.
Showing someone active, happy and well adjusted.
Once the computer was turned off, I was home alone in the dark drinking and suicidal. That never made it to Facebook.

Vale

Carlotta..........I dunno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean...thanks for the sponsorship-----but/////////////////

I had more in mind somewhere where I could duck all of my life burdens,
payments, and obligations whilst winking to that cute young thing across
the room-----the one who (later on) ---is 'gonna listen in rapt awe as I re-tell
all of my life stories (not as they REALLY happened, getting my ass kicked 50%
of the time......but as I WISHED they had happened!)

That 90/90, steps, service, amends stuff sounds like WORK.

And BTW (Vale intones in his faux injured tone)......don't knock FB!
There has never existed in all the history of the world a greater
tool in the service of envy, pettiness, and stalking!