honeypig

MARCH 18

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Safety

One of the long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family, as children or adults, is that we don't feel safe.

Much of what we call codependency happens because we don't feel safe in relationships. This can cause us to control, obsess, or focus on the other person, while neglecting ourselves or shutting down our feelings.

We can learn to make ourselves feel safe and comfortable as part of a nurturing, loving attitude toward ourselves.

Often, we get a feeling of safety and comfort when we attend Twelve Step meetings or support groups. Being with a friend or doing something nice for ourselves helps us feel protected and loved. Sometimes, reaching out to another person helps us feel safe. Prayer and meditation help us affirm that our Higher Power cares for us.

We are safe now. We can relax. Perhaps others haven't been there for us in a consistent, trustworthy way, but we are learning to be there for ourselves.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and comfortable.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

This is an area where I need a lot of work. It's not that I don't have ways of making myself feel safe and comfortable, at least for a while, but that those ways are mostly negative/destructive in the long run. I overeat. I hide in a book or online or by sleeping instead of doing what needs to be done in my life.

Some more healthy ways of seeking safety/comfort I'm looking into: I've ordered some lovely colored pencils and am going to give the mandala coloring a try. I've started a 21-day online meditation challenge. I found a rocking chair out on the curb and brought it home--this fits w/my sudden thought that learning to knit or crochet might be relaxing.

I also struggle with being able to tell what is a reasonable desire for safety/comfort and what is a need that's born more out of laziness or fear. I just watched "Who Moved My Cheese?" on Youtube after reading FireSprite's thread about that, and at one point it talks about our unwillingness to change and being "hemmed in by fear, comfort and denial." Does that sound familiar to anyone else here? Learning to know when to take care of myself and attend to those needs and when to push thru despite my discomfort is not something I've been very good at so far.

NYCDoglvr

HoneyPig, I've dealt with the same things and it's a process of healing myself. The more I sat and thought, the more muddled I got. It's taking action that changes me but sometimes it feels impossible. I'm blessed by having a wonderful cognitive therapist who each week gives me "assignments": get a sponsor, make changes. That's why living in today is so important as is comparing myself to myself (instead of others). In AA there's a saying: you are either walking towards a drink or away from one, a useful tool for checking my actions in the moment. The same holds true for codependency.

FireSprite

I think it comes in time, in stages, as we grow in this process.

I've been Hem more than once in my life, when fear of the unknown made me want to hold more firmly onto the dysfunction that I already had.

I'm at a point in my life where I can look back over so many decades & with distance & enough memories spooled up, I have better clarity than I did during the events themselves.

Without a shadow of doubt, my greatest growth has always happened as a result of change I wasn't necessarily ready to embrace, but had no choice about. So now I can sometimes look at a situation & use this hindsight in a positive way - I can ask myself, "What am I sacrificing by NOT taking this step? What hidden, wonderful growth point is waiting for me in this experience that I will miss if I do not try?" (This is, of course, after examining the "cons" - am I giving up financial security, am I risking physical injury?" etc. What are the KNOWN detractors? What is the worst that can happen & can I tolerate that?)

Getting healthy in the gut helped me too, . Developing my self-trust helped me accept that I am not a perfect person & I will make mistakes - but that I can trust & rely on myself to HANDLE them.... and that's all that life is really about, right? I can't stop change, I'm not that powerful.

That can be so hard. Safety easily masquerades as a well-dug rut.

Delray

Great comment, FireSprite.... I abhor ruts and they can be so difficult to see when you're stuck in them. This, like many things in life, is a delicate balance.....