New here and unsure of next steps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1
New here and unsure of next steps
I've been reading this forum for a few months and have enjoyed learning from others so thank you. I thought I was handling everything okay and now I'm not so sure. i've been married to my AH for 28 years. I found out about the secret drinking and that alcohol was a problem for him about 5 years ago. He had started a couple of years before that. I should say that previously, it was really rare for us to drink and drinking wasn't part of our lives for many years. He has been in AA for four and a half years, although he's had a few relapses. Honestly, I don't know how many times but I just found out he slipped again. The last time this happened was about 5 months ago, and I made it clear that he cannot live here and actively drink. He did think about moving out but then decided he did not want to. He went back to AA and was once again working on his sobriety. I've been going to Al Anon pretty regularly, reading support materials, going for my own counseling, and reading SR. So I thought I was practicing some of the things I've learned and told him he would have to move out and we are going to have separate accounts and split the bills, etc. I work too and we've always been joint on all of our finances. He wants to work on recovery again now and he's sleeping in my son's room (son is away at college). I'm not sure if what he says is true and I really have seen how this disease is progressive, as this time seems worse than last. I went to a counseling appointment today for me and the therapist was rather hard on me and said that I don't seem to be learning anything from Al Anon and I need to detach and not worry what he does, to live my own life and he will only recover when he chooses it. She said that I am still trying to control what he does and I already know that I can't cure him, control him or cause it. I'm sorry this is so long - now I'm feeling really down on myself and I'm feeling weak. I should probably add that we've had problems with two of three of our children with alcohol and pot. So I basically live with three A's (other child is in college and so far doesn't seem to have addiction issues). Does anyone have any similar experience? I don't know how to ignore my family and do my own thing. I'm probably too concerned with everyone else's well being but I thought I was detaching, at least more than I used to. Thanks for letting me share this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi GB, you seem pretty detached to me. What areas do you think you need to work on? Or at least your therapist thinks you need to work on?
It must be hard surrounded by people with substance abuse issues; no wonder you're feeling down.
Many members of this forum have found a lot of benefit from hearing others' experience. You've come to the right place.
It must be hard surrounded by people with substance abuse issues; no wonder you're feeling down.
Many members of this forum have found a lot of benefit from hearing others' experience. You've come to the right place.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi Hopeful, Welcome. I am sorry you haven't gotten a lot of feedback yet but many of us are on the East coast of the U.S. and even now it is only 4:30 am. More people will be by later.
It sure can be tough in your situation. It sounds as if you are both doing the right things but something still is wrong. I suspect your husband's relapsing has been far more frequent and long in duration than you suspect. Alcoholics are expert at hiding and lying. I know. I was one myself. While a relapse is not unusual, chronic ones in my opinion means he is only taking breaks. It is a way to appease you.
For now it would probably be best for you to accept what is right now and decide if it's the life you want. Because I don't really think there is going to be any major changes anytime soon. It's been four and a half years.
It sure can be tough in your situation. It sounds as if you are both doing the right things but something still is wrong. I suspect your husband's relapsing has been far more frequent and long in duration than you suspect. Alcoholics are expert at hiding and lying. I know. I was one myself. While a relapse is not unusual, chronic ones in my opinion means he is only taking breaks. It is a way to appease you.
For now it would probably be best for you to accept what is right now and decide if it's the life you want. Because I don't really think there is going to be any major changes anytime soon. It's been four and a half years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, hopeful bunny. Glad you found your way to SR, and also glad you're using Alanon as a recovery tool.
It seems to me that you're trying your best to be supportive, to give your A every chance to truly get sober and stay that way. However, his commitment to that seems pretty sketchy, at least from what you've posted so far.
I have an excerpt from "Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict" by Carole Bennett, MA. It's long, but I think it may be worth a read, so I'll post it. I hope you find some clarification of your thoughts and feelings here:
When Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress. With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal wellbeing is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment--religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blame you for their shortcomings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
If you have indeed hit your bottom and are ready to take the painful, but appropriate step to move on with your life without the alcoholic/addict, please don't beat yourself up for not having acted on this resolve sooner. Other than the list mentioned above, people stay in unhealthy relations substantially longer than they should, or know that they should. It is very hard to blow out the candle in the window that might represent hope, but realistically doesn't.
Try and remember that a few years of discomfort, uncertainty, and fear are better than years and years of an agonizing and miserable commitment. Some may feel that they are a failure if they abandon their relationship. Coming to this conclusion and realizing that the end is upon you, can actually be incredibly empowering. Take some comfort in knowing that you have taken control of the situation. Sometimes it's the bravest option, because it requires you to face what you might think as a failure, but is not. In life, there really is no such thing as a "crash-and-burn" scenario, only lessons to be learned for a better, healthier go around the next time.
~From Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict by Carole Bennett, MA
__________________
It seems to me that you're trying your best to be supportive, to give your A every chance to truly get sober and stay that way. However, his commitment to that seems pretty sketchy, at least from what you've posted so far.
I have an excerpt from "Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict" by Carole Bennett, MA. It's long, but I think it may be worth a read, so I'll post it. I hope you find some clarification of your thoughts and feelings here:
When Is It Time To Throw In The Towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress. With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal wellbeing is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment--religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blame you for their shortcomings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
If you have indeed hit your bottom and are ready to take the painful, but appropriate step to move on with your life without the alcoholic/addict, please don't beat yourself up for not having acted on this resolve sooner. Other than the list mentioned above, people stay in unhealthy relations substantially longer than they should, or know that they should. It is very hard to blow out the candle in the window that might represent hope, but realistically doesn't.
Try and remember that a few years of discomfort, uncertainty, and fear are better than years and years of an agonizing and miserable commitment. Some may feel that they are a failure if they abandon their relationship. Coming to this conclusion and realizing that the end is upon you, can actually be incredibly empowering. Take some comfort in knowing that you have taken control of the situation. Sometimes it's the bravest option, because it requires you to face what you might think as a failure, but is not. In life, there really is no such thing as a "crash-and-burn" scenario, only lessons to be learned for a better, healthier go around the next time.
~From Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict by Carole Bennett, MA
__________________
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Is it just me, or is it hard to detach when you're a woman? I can't imagine what your'e going through, not only dealing with your husband, but also your children. It's hard to turn a blind eye, I definitely get that. It sounds like you're making the right steps in your recovery though... and thinking through your options. However, how else is your relationship with your therapist? Otherwise supportive? I don't think you should doubt the steps you're taking, they sound pretty solid to me....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Hopeful Bunny! 
I am glad you decided to post. From what you wrote, you seem to me to be on track with taking some financial protective steps, learning through Al Anon (& SR!), going to counseling.
Why would your counselor lay into you? Was this statement taken slightly out of context? Is there some area in particular that he/she thinks you need to put down some stronger boundaries?
Peace,
I am glad you decided to post. From what you wrote, you seem to me to be on track with taking some financial protective steps, learning through Al Anon (& SR!), going to counseling.
Why would your counselor lay into you? Was this statement taken slightly out of context? Is there some area in particular that he/she thinks you need to put down some stronger boundaries?
Peace,
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