Katchie

I can't believe 35 days is already up. I wish he could just stay there. I also wish he would find someone else to call when he is allowed to do so.

I began paperwork for the legal separation. I'm sitting here looking at all the financial questions and know all the answers lay locked in a drawer of the desk in his locked office. Our accountant won't call me back -- great. But I'm trying.

Today was his day to call me. I could feel the anxiety creeping up yesterday about it, then woke with a stress headache. But I got the call over with and made sure he understood that I will not be picking him up at the airport and he will need to find a place to stay. I also made sure he understood that I was filing for a legal separation. He doesn't understand why. I tried to explain once and that was it. He knows I'm distant and I'm not feeling much at the moment in regard to our marriage. He did apologize and I told him I didn't think he even knew all that he's done. He agreed he doesn't and that he's spent a lot of his time in blackout. Nice.

Last Friday when he called me I heard some red flags. 1. the way he talked about the other patients, he isn't like them, they are crazy. 2. he wanted me to help him find a sober living home and a good therapist -- I said no 3. he knows I'm not real happy about having to talk to him. I can keep it to the boys and after that I don't have much to say. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me by telling me how much my talking to him and being there for him was such an encouragement and didn't know what he would do without me. Maybe he was truthful, but I felt it a tad manipulative.

I'm still working towards moving into my grandmothers home. The work has been therapeutic.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post. Its been a hard day of raw emotions. I noticed when I was pulling the old wallpaper down out of grandmothers kitchen that in the corner of each strip she had hand written a number so she would know which one to place where. I started bawling.
I don't know why, but today has been rough.

maybear

Hi, when my husband was just about to get out of rehab just recently, looking back I realised there were red flags that he was headed for relapse (he did so a couple of weeks after).

He too was making out that he was different from the other people in rehab, not nearly as bad. Obviously in denial.

He also had grand plans of meetings and therapy etc and tried to get me on board. Not saying your husband is headed for relapse but I think you are wise to notice those things and keep your wits about you.

FeelingGreat

Best wishes for the coming days Katchie. You're so steady and clever I'm sure you'll go well, but thinking of you as the stress levels increase.

Refiner

I think you've just probably hit your rock bottom with him and are OVER it. Over HIM. It's been so about him and his drama and not being there for so long and you've enjoyed this little respite and now it's coming to the end and real life is coming back and hitting you square in the face with his already little dramas (I'm not like them they're crazy) and manipulations (I don't know what I'd do without your support) and knowing all the while the shoe may drop at any moment etc etc. if be OVER it too. I think the legal separation's a good idea for awhile and see where your head's at later on and see if he grows up.

Hawkeye13

I think Refiner is right--"real life" is coming back after the short break,
and it sounds like he still isn't really getting it.

However, you are being clear and doing what is right for you.

Time will tell.
Either he will really work the program or he won't.

You will be OK either way Katchie

redatlanta

Stay your course.

Yes it sounds like Red Flags.. Honestly his history is discouraging not encouraging. It would take me a really, really long time to trust in his recovery.

Hugs to you Katchie. I can't believe its been 35 days already I would have guessed two weeks.

Seren

Katchie, it sounds like it's been exhausting. I remember that feeling of knowing a phone call would come from my ex-husband during the period of the divorce, and I would become practically immobile with the anxiety and fear of waiting for the call.

Now that your husband will be living outside of the rehab, he will be able to call you at any time. It might be really helpful if you had a ring-tone on your phone that was specifically his, and that you could ignore if you were not feeling up to talking to him or dealing with his attempts at manipulation.

I am so glad you are still working toward creating a peaceful home at your grandmother's house for you and the children. It will be your safe haven!!

cookiesncream

I agree wholeheartedly with what others have said. I think your "red flags" are right on target. Your husband does not sound like somebody who has learned ANYTHING. I'm not sure I learned all that much myself in rehab, and mine was outpatient and lasted THREE months. I'd continue to keep detached and see whether or not legal separation and his needing to deal with the REAL world sober has any effect. There was another thread very recently (can't remember the title) on the effectiveness of various recovery programs. The average person that is not at heart a jerk will find a way to get sober regardless of the program. This does not account for the rest of the personality which you quite reasonably dislike. I'm very sorry. Peace and hang in there.

NYCDoglvr

There comes a time when the blinders fall off. Been there, done that and there's nothing more to say. Thanks for writing such an inspiring post.

hopeful4

Katchie, you sound worn down. I completely understand why.

I think it's great that you are not allowing yourself to be manipulated. Keep on keeping on my friend.

Sending you many hugs! XXX

firebolt

I'm sorry yesterday was a hard day, but you sound AMAZING! Together, level headed, calm. You are doing all the right things, Katchie. Sending you peace!

FireSprite

I really admire how far you've come & how you've managed this whole process with so much grace. I can't believe how fast 35 days goes - you must feel like you only just started to decompress & it was over already.

((((hugs)))) Sending you lots of Strength, Katchie.

amberly

It does sound stressful- but you sound so strong. I hope I can stick to my plan and be that strong when my AH gets out of treatment in a few weeks.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Katchie. Take a deep breath. (And again.) This is completely OT, but I keep picturing your grandmother's house as something that kind of matches the lady in your avatar picture. It *looks* incredibly peaceful, even while being worked on. All of your hard work will pay off.
You're going to be OK. You already are.

CodeJob

Peace Katchie.

Keep taking things one day at a time.

Katchie

Thanks for all of the comments. I feel so much better today; it's amazing how letting yourself feel/cry for a little while helps let things go.
I appreciate you all validating my gut -- something in the past I've found difficulty hearing and following. I make it a point to listen to it these days and it hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I'm looking forward to a better future which ever direction it goes, I know it will be sane and peaceful.

knowthetriggers

Katchie...not much to add. Just wanted you to know that I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Stay strong my friend.

maia1234

Katchie, good for you for not expecting him to be a completely different person when he gets home. We finally get them there and nothing changes.

They say that they need a year of strong sobriety and working a program. You have 35 days towards it, will see what happens. Maybe he will and maybe he won't.

As long has your happiness isn't based on his sobriety, you WILL be ok!! Keep working on the house and be focused for your future. Do no contact if he totally stresses you out!!

cookiesncream

What really bothers me about some of what you are relating about your husband is what appears to be a complete lack of recognition of his bad behavior and its impact. Most brand new sober women in my group are falling all over themselves in guilt over their actions and that impact. Not to say that feeling guilty is key to sobriety but honestly without that kinda makes me wonder if your hubbie doesn't have some deeper personality disorders in play. Peace and keep going forth.