Please weigh in....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Please weigh in....
My STBXAH is an alcoholic/addict. He is almost 60 yrs old and probably has been his whole adult life. He was once a successful business man and was extremely generous. No arrests, no criminal activity.
He is at his bottom, broke, and back to meetings. I have only spoken to him a few times because although he is my ex, I still care for this man but will never be with him again. He isn't a bad person, he is a sick person.
His large family lives about 1500 miles away. They are all very close and successful. He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem." They have never had to deal with his insanity because of the distance and his lack of contact.
Now I know I am codependent, working on my own issues but I am shocked by his family's coldness.
He is sober, doesn't want anything from them but to be valued. IMO, the lack of concern just feeds into his self loathing. Just a simple phone call to let him know that they care is all he wants. Is that too much to ask??
They all claim to be Christians too. What happened to hate the sin but love the sinner?
He is at his bottom, broke, and back to meetings. I have only spoken to him a few times because although he is my ex, I still care for this man but will never be with him again. He isn't a bad person, he is a sick person.
His large family lives about 1500 miles away. They are all very close and successful. He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem." They have never had to deal with his insanity because of the distance and his lack of contact.
Now I know I am codependent, working on my own issues but I am shocked by his family's coldness.
He is sober, doesn't want anything from them but to be valued. IMO, the lack of concern just feeds into his self loathing. Just a simple phone call to let him know that they care is all he wants. Is that too much to ask??
They all claim to be Christians too. What happened to hate the sin but love the sinner?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem." They have never had to deal with his insanity because of the distance and his lack of contact.
My gut feeling, there is more to the story.
Tread lightly you are walking on shaky ground. Its entirely possible his family are completely cold I suppose. If so there isn't anything you can do about it.
He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem." They have never had to deal with his insanity because of the distance and his lack of contact.
My gut feeling, there is more to the story.
Tread lightly you are walking on shaky ground. Its entirely possible his family are completely cold I suppose. If so there isn't anything you can do about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
He moved away over 30 yrs ago. I know most of their resentments go back that far!! Many of his family members have visited us over the years and we have stayed with them as well. They were great, fun and loving times. Of course, he paid for everything too.
His dad, a wonderful man, know has Alzheimer's and is too much for my MIL. They are putting him in a nursing home. The family is heart broken. I am sure that has been a lot for all them to deal with at this time.
His dad, a wonderful man, know has Alzheimer's and is too much for my MIL. They are putting him in a nursing home. The family is heart broken. I am sure that has been a lot for all them to deal with at this time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by FindingMe2 
He is at his bottom, broke, and back to meetings.
He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem."
He has reached out to a couple of siblings and his mother. Not one of them seem to care about him. "It's his problem."
His well-being can't be made into someone else's responsibility - family, friends, or yours. It's his, and his alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by Thomas45
If they are educated about addiction, they're probably disengaging themselves from him because they don't want to cushion his fall to rock bottom. "Helping him out" by giving him a place to stay, or monetary help, just enables his addiction to continue if he's that far into it because he doesn't truly have to deal with the consequences of his choices.
His well-being can't be made into someone else's responsibility - family, friends, or yours. It's his, and his alone.
His well-being can't be made into someone else's responsibility - family, friends, or yours. It's his, and his alone.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FindingMe2, try to let go. You are no longer caring for him, but it's not your job to find someone else to do that.
Family members can behave badly at times, but he has been away for a long time.
Family members can behave badly at times, but he has been away for a long time.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hello FindingMe2! 
I have a stepdaughter that I had bad issues with too in the early stages of mine and Jethro's relationship! She got all sorts of crap stirred up with friends and family over myself! I was ready to sit on her and stuff a rag in her mouth. So many lies! And she knew I was trying to get along with her for her daddy's sake and USED me badly! Lessons learned! Put a check mark in that box!
I've got the 1stXH that's an alcoholic too! Our daughter seems to always be talking by text with him. She and I had to go thru a bad spell in order for her to realize I wasn't the bad mother she ended up thinking I had been. And that her dad didn't actually raise her after she moved in with him when she was 14! She ended up being a live-in babysitter for her two 1/2 blooded sisters! Her dad was always gone off on TDY's with the Air Force. It took my daughter's husband to explain this reasoning to her to show her, daddy didn't raise you. Your momma did! And your momma took any kind of job she could get before going into the Active duty Army National Guard to support y'all! She finally opened her eyes and saw this to be the truth. She now tells me to ignore anything her daddy says because he's losing his mind! Well there ya go! I've been saying that for years!
I wonder also? Was your SD possibly trying to get you to leave her daddy so she could move in and have him all to herself? I know my SD tried that early on. She was making my life miserable after moving in with us after she turned 18.
As for your XH's family? Unless you were physically a part of their daily lives? You really don't know the ins and outs of what was going on. This could also be why your XH moved away from them? He wanted his alone time with his drugs and alcohol. They probably saw what was happening and tried to stop it. He moved away to get out from underneath their interference! Someone using/drinking doesn't want anyone telling them they need to stop!
As bad as some things seem to be at the time? The truth always comes out! Don't EVER forget that!
I was searching for a movie to watch last night and ended up watching one called, "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock and Viggo Mortenson! Powerful movie describing someone's problems with drug and alcohol! Really good movie!
I too have friends and family that I no longer have a relationship with! I think about them from time to time, but I don't get hung up on the what if's! There's lots of laughter out there to be found. Find it! Don't let the negative ones bring you down.
I've told this story before and I'll repeat it for ya! I have this imaginary shelf in my mind. Anyone that gives me loads of problems and I don't have to deal with too often? I imagine them sitting on that shelf. I'll look up in my mind from time to time and think to myself: Y'all stay up there now? Don't need any problems down here!
TOD
I have a stepdaughter that I had bad issues with too in the early stages of mine and Jethro's relationship! She got all sorts of crap stirred up with friends and family over myself! I was ready to sit on her and stuff a rag in her mouth. So many lies! And she knew I was trying to get along with her for her daddy's sake and USED me badly! Lessons learned! Put a check mark in that box!
I've got the 1stXH that's an alcoholic too! Our daughter seems to always be talking by text with him. She and I had to go thru a bad spell in order for her to realize I wasn't the bad mother she ended up thinking I had been. And that her dad didn't actually raise her after she moved in with him when she was 14! She ended up being a live-in babysitter for her two 1/2 blooded sisters! Her dad was always gone off on TDY's with the Air Force. It took my daughter's husband to explain this reasoning to her to show her, daddy didn't raise you. Your momma did! And your momma took any kind of job she could get before going into the Active duty Army National Guard to support y'all! She finally opened her eyes and saw this to be the truth. She now tells me to ignore anything her daddy says because he's losing his mind! Well there ya go! I've been saying that for years!
I wonder also? Was your SD possibly trying to get you to leave her daddy so she could move in and have him all to herself? I know my SD tried that early on. She was making my life miserable after moving in with us after she turned 18.
As for your XH's family? Unless you were physically a part of their daily lives? You really don't know the ins and outs of what was going on. This could also be why your XH moved away from them? He wanted his alone time with his drugs and alcohol. They probably saw what was happening and tried to stop it. He moved away to get out from underneath their interference! Someone using/drinking doesn't want anyone telling them they need to stop!
As bad as some things seem to be at the time? The truth always comes out! Don't EVER forget that!
I was searching for a movie to watch last night and ended up watching one called, "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock and Viggo Mortenson! Powerful movie describing someone's problems with drug and alcohol! Really good movie!
I too have friends and family that I no longer have a relationship with! I think about them from time to time, but I don't get hung up on the what if's! There's lots of laughter out there to be found. Find it! Don't let the negative ones bring you down.
I've told this story before and I'll repeat it for ya! I have this imaginary shelf in my mind. Anyone that gives me loads of problems and I don't have to deal with too often? I imagine them sitting on that shelf. I'll look up in my mind from time to time and think to myself: Y'all stay up there now? Don't need any problems down here!
TOD
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