searching peace

I know most of you are going to tell me I have lost my mind. My divorce hearing is scheduled for a week from Thursday. Even though my stbxah is an active alcoholic and abusive in every way possible, I am begging him to give me one more chance to make him happy. Even as I type this I know I am really sick. My father just died about a month ago. And I do love my husband in spite of all he has done and continues to do. I just wish this divorce was our choice. It isn't. It is his decision. He is the one that has all of the power right now. He filed for divorce so that the pfa would be moved to a different court system. I just want a chance a real chance. I don't feel like he ever gave me a chance. After he was arrested, he has blamed me for everything. He blamed me before but now he has something real to pin on me. Please send your advice or comments. I feel like I cannot go on and just want him. He thinks im this horrible person because of the arrest and because his kids don't like me and have told him they don't want anything to do with me. But I know that is coming from their mom, so that I don't take personally. My kids are not too fond of him right now either. I just really believed in the vows I took in front of God and I don't want to give up if there is the slightest chance this would work. But he just wants to be rid of me.

SparkleKitty

SP, you deserve better than this.

healthyagain

I am so sorry that you are going through such horrible pain, but please understand that no one deserves to be abused. Don't you deserve a happy life? You HAVE a chance to build something better. Embrace that opportunity. Love life and love yourself.

redatlanta

Searching Peace glad to see you back.

I am so sorry this has been so painful for you.

Pointing out the obvious and the logical won't work I don't think. You already know this is not a good idea. Life with an abuser is not a life.

I don't know what is wrong with your husband aside from his alcoholism. I don't understand why people abuse others. What I do know is that the unhappiness in your husband is not a reflection of you, but rather a reflection of him. You can't "MAKE" him happy. Whatever blackness exists him is above your pay grade there is no YOU solving it.

I am not sure if you sympathize with him which is common to victims of abuse. Seems that this situation being our of your control is the most upsetting thing about this - because you weren't happy with him when you were together. Yet you want him back.

I am hoping that those on the board who have experienced abuse will chime in I think they can offer you some ES & H which might stimulate some perspective on why you are feeling the way you do.

Many (((hugs))), will keep you in my prayers tonight. You are a valuable person. Stick around.

maia1234

SP, Your name is searching peace.

You will never find peace with him. He has a disease, and there is nothing you can do to help him with his disease. I got a divorce after 34 years, still love my X, but life is 100,000,000 times better.

Believe in yourself, that you can do this and know that this is the right thing to do for you and your kids.

((((((((hugs))))))

Bernadette777

Hi SP.

Stay strong, you're in my prayers. It's hard, I know, we all know- we're all here for you. When it comes to the affaires of the heart - it's a tough time. But I have learned and continue to learn that this alcoholism, girlfriend- it's so damn toxic & dangerous. Just keep reading the posts- they are so eye-opening. Sometimes I think the break up with my exAbf is a do over for me, I think sometimes we think about what we don't have in a relationship instead of what we escaped instead. Praying for you. Take care of you & your kids. Stay strong, Bernadette777

DesertEyes

Hello searching peace, and pleased to "meet" you

Goodness no. You have not lost anything, not at all. Everybody on this board arrives with exactly the same horror in their life. It is impossible to magically guess at how to deal with the nightmare of addiction. That is why there are therapists and rehab hospitals and programs and hundreds of books and thousands of web sites. It has to be the most painful and heart-breaking thing in life, to have to deal with addiction in a loved one.

That is _exactly_ the way I felt with my now ex. Exactly. What I had to wrap my head around is that my ex _also_ made those vows. We vowed as a team, that we would _both_ give 100% to the marriage. It was not just me making a one-way vow, that is what I would have done had I become a monk, or a priest.

When my spouse stopped keeping _her_ vows, she was no longer the same person I had married. I gave my 100% for 20 years, I never failed in my vows. My vows are only worthy of a spouse who keeps her own vows.

Yup, that is what I was doing. Exactly the same. _I_ did not want to give up the fight, but the problem is that it was not _me_ that was supposed to be fighting. I am not the one who cheated, why was I the one "fighting" to save a marriage I had _not_ destroyed? It was not _me_ who was losing jobs alienating friends. Why was _I_ the one trying to patch up the friendships and worrying about the bills?

My problem was that I was not supposed to be fighting for the marriage _at all_. There was no battle for me to "give up", it was not _my_ battle. It was _her_ battle against addiction, it was _her_ that had to decide to "give up" or not. I was a _victim_, and _she_ is the one that was supposed to fight for our marriage by getting off the pills and letting go of the affairs.

My battle was to keep _my_ side of the 100%. I did that, without failure. With my ex not willing to do her part the marriage was finished, no matter how much _I_ did. We had become just room-mates. It was my own grief that blinded me to the truth that I was living in the same house with a woman who had stopped being a spouse a _long_ time ago.

Mike

dandylion

searching peace....just know..that as much as this stings...it is not about love--it is about the fear of aloneness and abandonment. This is probably reactivating every wound you have ever had. My heart bleeds for the pain that you feel.

He has, inadvertently, done for you what you probably couldn't/wouldn't have done for yourself. He has taken the yolk from your neck. He has taken the burden of staying in abuse from your shoulders. The prison doors are about to open.

Now, you can finally get to work on healing. I pray that you get into therapy with a good abuse counselor and stick with it for as long as it takes. Till you are really able to live and not just exist and endure.
There will come a day....sometime in the future that you will want to thank him for this.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your father. I understand what a difficult time this is for you.

very, very sincerely,
dandylion

maybear

He took vows too and obviously hasn't delivered.

Have you seen anyone who specialises in domestic violence?

You don't have any control over him filing for divorce but you have lots of things within your control - your next step, where you will go, who you will reach out to, how you will react and go on from here.

I really hope you have some good support, someone to talk to. Please know that you have the right not to be abused. No matter what you think you have done 'wrong' in the marriage, there will never be anything that excuses or validates what he has and is doing to you. Nothing.

FeelingGreat

Searching Peace, I don't know if you're religious, but when I was a kid the nuns had a picture of a rocky uphill path leading to heaven (read happiness) and a smooth broad path leading downhill to hell. This is your rocky path right now, but stick to it, it can lead you to the peace you're looking for.
Once he's out of your life, take time on your own to regroup. Distance will give you perspective, let you see that your ex is an abuser and deeply inadequate person.
When you feel desperate and sad, have courage to go on. Think of yourself slowly making your way to happiness.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like wounded pride, which is understandable, but no reason to stay. Of course the death of your father has a big impact on you, it's a huge loss. But you don't want an abusive alcoholic who is incapable of having a responsible, adult relationship. I found incredible support in Alanon and without it I would have stayed stuck. A big hug.

hopeful4

Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss of your father and now your marriage. That's a lot of grief for one person at one time, I completely get it. Do you have a therapist? If not, you may want to get one, it would likely help you put things into better perspective. If any of us had the power to change another person we would not be here.

Tight, tight hugs. XXX

firebolt

I'm so sorry about your father. Mine is dying of cancer right now, and I keep using it as my crutch to not leave my progressing ABF. "I can't deal with both at the same time, and ABF is *some support." I understand your pain there - and I am so sorry.

*SOME support is minimal support with emotional repayment expected plus penalties and interest.

The thing is, you know what is best for you, you know the right thing to do for you and your family. You know that in the end, it doesn't matter who has the power and you are at a fork in the road with a path leading to a happier, healthier life. You are just being shoved down that path, and that is uncomfortable for anyone.

He is mad at you - looking back, I'm guessing that isn't much of a shock for you. They are always mad at us for some insane thing, aren't they?!

None of us want to leave "5 minutes before the miracle." Well, miracles are rare, and when they do happen in this arena, there are clear signs, and obvious action to show us that it is about to happen. You aren't getting any of those. I understand, neither am I - and it is very very painful. I almost wish I was being forced by ABF into a better life, then I wouldn't have to take the tough action to do it for myself. We ARE sick, and just like them, only WE can get ourselves better. It starts by getting out of unhealthy situations. (((HUGS))) to you. You can do this - YOU DESERVE THIS!!!

firebolt

Honeypig posted an awesome excerpt from 'Relaim your Life' here:

VERY INSPIRING!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ext-steps.html

Delray

It's okay for you to mourn the loss of your marriage and what you believed your life would be like with him and children. But the truth is, he didn't keep his vows to you with abuse and neglect and everything he has done that he has put as more important than you. You truly deserve better, you have more to give in this life, you will find happiness and will emerge amazingly strong. So after you are done mourning, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and hold your head high. <3

atalose

Life’s a prison when you are in love alone.

Ending are hard and very painful especially when it’s not our choice. Normal grief is expected and part of grief is that bargaining stage and it sounds like that is what you are going through, willing to do anything to stop your pain.

But this man is not the answer to your pain he is the cause of it.

Butterfly

Sending you ((((((hugs)))))) searching peace, I feel exactly the same recently and I understand your pain and what you are going through

I have been reading my old posts recently and the responses, something someone posted, can't remember who posted, play the tape the whole way through.

Let's say he came home what would the end result be? For me if I play the tape the whole way through this is what would happen, he would promise to give up drink, seek help and we would spend time together feeling happy and I would feel oh he loves me, see he came home and he's getting help. How long though before excuses would be made, a day, a week, a month, 6months but they would start then he would drink and then he might drink until he passes out, sneak out for more alcohol or wake up the next day and keep drinking. However long the drinking would start because they haven't sought recovery, nothing will have changed and I will be right back where I started, anxious, controlling, worried he would leave and doing anything to ensure he didn't leave me again!!

If you play your tape the whole way through how would it end??

My ex A wants nothing to do with me either but I think it's more about him not wanting to face up to how he has treated me and that he walked out so he could drink!!

What can you do for you to help you through this period.

maia1234

Butterfly!!! That was awesome!!!

You finally understand that it wasn't YOU!!! He chose to drink over family and relationships!! It could have been any super model, and he would have chosen a DRINK!!!

YEA!!! It has CLICKED!!! You will survive and be happy again, as I have become. You have climbed that huge hill and now you are coming down hill.

I am so happy for you, keep up the good work!!!

Liveitwell

Just wanted to say that I've been where you are-I too have begged him to stay. I'm fact, one time I ran after him while pregnant and begged him to stay abd love me after he had slurred and told me his life would be better without me alive and he wished he never met me. Yep-I begged HIM to stay. Hmmm. Sick much?! I've gotten out of it and you can too! I never thought I'd be on the other side, but here I am. You can get here too-but HE is not the way to peace. Love to you.

searching peace

Thank you all so much! Each one of your responses has helped a lot! Today I begged him on the phone for an hour to stay, to give me a chance. It occurred to me somewhere in that conversation that what really bothered me was that he was judging me on things that I had not thought or said or done. It was like he couldn't see me, and only saw negative things when he looked at me. I hired an attorney today. I asked the attorney to have the PFA dismissed. I told him I loved my husband and wanted to salvage my marriage. And then tonight I saw my husband, he told me he would stop the divorce. But when I was leaving he said that I had said something I didn't say. He tried to twist my words around and tell me I meant something I didn't mean. It was so bizarre. He was trying to pick a fight with me. I stood up to him for probably the very first time. And I told him that he was projecting his behaviors and his thoughts on to me. And that I unfortunately had been giving him the benefit of the doubt and projecting the way I treat people on to the way he treats people. I could never be as negative and mean as he is. And yet things he tells other people about me make me out to be horrific. It wasn't until tonight when he tried to tell me that I had said something I didn't say, that I realized he was judging me for his own actions and putting things on me that he does. He is so sick and I am just as sick maybe more so, because I have enabled and allowed his treatment of me.
I read the post about the A's saying they will give up the drink. My A had only said he is going to continue to drink. His stomach is sticking out really far, and he told me it is his liver and that his kidneys are not functioning properly. I looked at him tonight and he has a yellowish to his skin. He won't go to the doctor and he won't stop drinking. He said he is trying to kill himself with the alcohol. I just looked at him and said he thinks too highly of himself to do that. I do not ask him to quit drinking. I have asked him not to drink if he is going to become mean to me. But he is always mean to me, so I do not think the alcohol is responsible for that. He was abused growing up and this is how he saw his dad treat his mom and so he thinks it is perfectly normal to treat me this way.
I know that I am scared to be alone. I have four years left with my children at home. And then it is just me. I moved to a different city eight years ago to be with my husband. I left all of my friends and so not have friends here. No one wants to include a "single" person in social gatherings and when people find out about my A and the abuse etc, they stay far away and have no further contact with me. I always wanted to be married. I cannot imagine going through life alone. And you all are right, that is why I have begged him to stay. I'm afraid of what will happen to me. I'm afraid to be alone.