maybear

My husband has been gone for a week. I thought he was staying at his Dad's place but no, he is staying at another one of his family member's holiday house. A holiday house. With a pub next door. Meanwhile, I'm at home with our baby. He hasn't given me any money in months. Then there's all the other stuff in the past - the multiple times he disappeared, the time he slept (because he had been drinking the night before) while I was in labour with our daughter. The time when I was about to give birth and had to go to the bank, find a house by myself to buy to live in because he wanted no part in buying one (too much responsibility).
Reading this I just think I'm crazy, I don't think there sorts of past disappointments can be forgiven. I don't think alcohol can be an excuse for everything. I don't know how people forgive.
Sorry, I'm just feeling particularly angry today. Since I found out about the holiday house.
Thanks for listening.

knowthetriggers

Vent away honey...I would be ticked off too! So...do you have a plan for you and your baby?

maybear

The plan is to move back near my family but it will take a while - I need to sell my house and buy again near them. Also once I do it there is no turning back so I have to be sure. Since I haven't heard from my husband it's difficult because I don't know where his head is at.

FindingMe2

Your husband is on holiday. His lack of contact and actions should tell you exactly where his head is at.

I waited way too long to make decisions, hoping my STBXAH would get sober. He never did. I hope you do what is best for you. Making choices based on what a sick person was going to, made me just as sick. You deserve a present, loving husband and your daughter deserves a loving, responsible father. Yes, it hurts for a while but then it gets so much easier.

cookiesncream

I've mentioned this in other threads so apologies for the repeats. Alcohol should be the excuse for NO bad behavior and I'm saying this from the other side. There is nothing an alcoholic faces that somebody else didn't face sober. As far as I'm concerned your husband's behavior is inexcusable, abandonment, and I would proceed with your life with no expectations of anything from him.

maia1234

Maybear, Not sure what you need to be sure about? He left you while in labor, hasn't given you any money for you and the baby, he disappears on you, did not want to buy a house with you and so on. Why should he be forgiven, he is very SICK!!

He is not a good Dad and never will be. Go read posts about kids who grow up in an alcoholic homes. Your child deserves so much more. Please don't deny that child a normal healthy environment of a single parent. He did not choose to be born into the craziness of your life, you do choose to stay in it. For your child's sake, get some help for you and leave the "disaster" behind!! I don't mean to be mean, but face the facts, it will only get worse, not better, if you can believe that!!

((((((((hugs))))))))))))

maybear

Thanks Maia, I would never put my daughter through a crazy life. I already understand that. My life wasn't crazy and isn't crazy. I've just done things by myself and still am.

My husband went to rehab, relapsed and I kicked him out. We haven't had a life of back and forth.
I have protected myself and my daughter and I plan to keep doing that.

I know first hand what it's like to be the child of an alcoholic.

I just have a tough time ahead of me and some days are worse than others. I know I will be fine though, I just want to make sure I am making the right choices. It's a huge thing to sell a house, pack it up, move interstate and buy a new one on my own.

guava

Have you considered renting a home in the new location for a bit? You are going through an awful lot right now and maybe it would be better to rent, check out the area, and meet some other Moms/Dads with older kids that can give you the rundown on schools in the area. No need to rush into buying...a decision made in haste could end up complicating things later on.

ladyscribbler

It's a huge thing to sell a house, pack it up, move interstate and buy a new one on my own.

Yes it is. Hugs maybear. One day at a time. Sending strength and serenity your way.

maia1234

Maybear, I didn't mean to come off so angry.

Its so hard knowing what is the right thing for us, and doing it (when you are on the inside). It took me many, many, many years of abuse before I could find the strength to do what I had to do. The thing is, if you are not ready to do it, it will never work, so you can't rush your recovery either.

So keep posting, reading and educating yourself on your options. It will slowly click on what is best for you and your daughter. At that time you will have the confidence to do what is best and implement it!!

(((((((((((hugs my friend, and keep taking care of your precious child)))))))))))

ladyscribbler

When I left I actually lived with my mom for awhile (not ideal, but necessary). We're renting a place now (my brother and I are splitting expenses) and I'm saving for a down payment on a house.
It took me five years of red flags, abuse and crazy behavior to get away from my ex and we weren't even married. Nor did I have to sell a home.
Keep reaching out. We are here to support you, the anger you sense is directed at your husband, because we've been in your shoes and we hate to see other people treated badly, no matter how much crap we put up with ourselves. One of those weird codie things I guess.

Duckygirl1

(((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry dear girl. Save the forgiveness for later if ever. Use your strenght for yourself and your little muffin. This man has been destroyed mentally and physically. Why do we have so much trouble kicking them to the curb and leaving them to their own devices when that's what they will do to us?

maybear

Thank you all so much for your support, I really appreciate it.

I suppose I could rent for a bit or stay with my mum, I was just trying to avoid more moving!

I'll see how I go. I'm going to get a real estate to come and value the house as a first step. My mum is going to be here tomorrow for a couple of days so that will be good too. And tonight I'm going to make pizza for my daughter and I. Exciting! But it's the little things.

Thank you so much xx

FeelingGreat

Sending you best wishes Maybear. Am I right in thinking you're in Australia? If so consider having a talk to Centrelink seeing your husband seems to have deserted you.
Stay strong, you can get through this.

maybear

Thank FeelingGreat.
I am in Au, I've been to Centrelink and I am getting the single parent payment. Thank god!

LittleBirds3

It's so difficult to make a choice when you feel like your options are "hard" and "harder."

And I totally get the being angry - where you want so hard not to be but you just. are. Someone on here said to me something like "you SHOULD be angry - he is doing horrible things. But you need to do something positive with that anger."

Good luck!

firebolt

I think that forgiveness is for you, not for your husband. I don't see how we can forgive when the hurts keep coming either. One day, you (and I and so many here) will have an amazing feeling of peace, long after we've let go and then finally forgiven. It's the steps to get to that place that are a bugger, but you seem well on your way.

(((HUGS)))

hopeful4

You are one great momma! I am glad that your mom will be there for a couple of days, I hope you get to enjoy that time.

Tight, tight hugs!