ipaidwithmylife

Hi: so I apologize in advance for the endless rant, but...

here's the thing: my messed-up brain terribly puzzles me: up to a few weeks ago, when I'd just quit, it seemed like I was sorta heading in the right direction: I had brain fog during the day, but I still experienced active thoughts at night, dreamt, remembered everything about my day... I was hopeful and didn't really mind the set-back that much...

Since the beginning of this week, though: I feel like it's all going backwards: I say the dumbest things, put things in the wrong place... Is this normal? And can I expect progress again? I binge-drank(bottle of wine or five cans of beer two times a week, for about a year and four months, so I'm kind of counting the same amount of time for my recovery.) I stopped drinking a little before New-years...

To be honest: sobriety hasn't been such a positive experience, up til this point(as you can already tell from multiple posts of mine.) I keep waiting for some miracle to happen. I'm not religious by any means, but I pray everyday. I only want me back. I miss me a lot. This right now: is NOT me! I don't know who the hell this person is, but... ugh I just... I feel lost and it never, for one minute stops.

Any tips to feel better or words of consolation? It'll be much appreciated...

Soberwolf

This is normal ipaidwiithmylife its why early sobriety is compared to a rollercoaster ride

there will be bad days/weeks but it will get better have you tried meditation ?

ScottFromWI

I had many of those same symptoms for several weeks after I quit. Obviously if you are concerned see a doctor, but honestly it takes our bodies more than just a few weeks to completely recover from long-term binge drinking. Think of how long your body takes to adjust from just having a bad cold or the flu for some perspective on things.

I can also say that "waiting for a miracle to happen" is most likely setting yourself up for failure. Life has it's ups and downs, regardless of whether we are sober or not. It's up to us to learn to deal with it in a positive way - what have you been doing to further your sobriety these few weeks? There are a lot of things that can help - meditation, exercise, conversation with others in the same situation, counseling, therapy, reading self-help literature, the list goes on and on. Reading and writing here on SR itself can be very therapeutic itself...have you considered joining one of the monthly class threads or the daily threads?

It WILL get better...but you have to be patient and do the necessary work too.

doggonecarl

I've never posted to someone regarding the amount they drank because in recovery it isn't about how much we drink, but what it does to us. As is often said here, if the amount you drank caused you problems, it is a problem.

That said, you did not drink an extraordinary amount, and what you did drink was for a relatively short period, so I don't know why your brain issues are lingering for so long, unless it is unrelated to your alcohol intake.

That's why I've recommended in previous posts that you should seek out a medical professional and determine the possible causes. Not guess, nor query anonymous forum members.

I am in no way encouraging you to give up sobriety. I wish I had quit at a young age. I can directly point to 35 years of drinking for my many problems.

ipaidwithmylife

Hey, thanks for the comment: I already went to a doctor: I got checked out and all was normal... she said I might have a severe depression. Yet, there's no way to tell for sure( again she said.) Because the symptoms of alcohol-dementia and depression, are very much alike. Yet, I know for sure that it must have something to do with alcohol. Lately my brain's been tingling... Did you experience this, maybe?

And it's not my intention to bother anyone, I just don't know where to turn to anymore. It's like no-one believes me... or is even remotely supportive... in my surroundings I mean, not on this forum, cause you people have been much help.

PurpleKnight

Going back to drinking will not "find you" either, early Sobriety is a journey, it's going to take time for the body to heal, and it's going to be unpleasant at times, so hang in there!!

With time the body will heal, that miracle moment is not going to happen in a matter of weeks/months!!

But what's the alternative, starting all over again?!! . . . keep pushing through!! You can do this!!

EndGameNYC

Cognitive dysfunction is a telling sign of depression. A psych eval and/or one with a neuropsychologist can help you learn more about where you are with this.

Dee74

Recovery would be a lot easier if it was a straight line from A to B with things getting better the farther we are along - but thats not often true, especially in the early days.

Early recovery is rough and thats one of the main reasons people stumble - they expect instant relief or improvement. We spent years getting instant gratification from the bottle after all, right?

I assumed that I'd just get sober and everything would be awesome. It didn;t turn out that way.

What I found was it took me a long time to feel normal - much longer than I'd expected. I really underestimated the damage I'd done physically and emotionally.

the good news is - it will happen - you will feel good and normal again, I promise.

You have to have faith ipaid - if faith in nothing else rest assured in the stories of those who have gone before you - things do get better

don't get discouraged

D

FreeOwl

I had a few really rough months head-wise and emotion-wise and things really didn't start to get stable and crisp and on the constant-improve until maybe 8 months or so.

And even that took work. AA, SR, counseling, journaling, some meditation, life changes, writing, patience....

It does get better. You've given your body and mind a long beating. It takes time to recalibrate, reconnect, totally process the haze out and adapt to new neural connections and perspectives and versions of reality.

Hang with it.... you'll be so glad you did.

ipaidwithmylife

Hey, thanks again everybody! At least you all seem to understand. I'm having a hard time, at home. Whenever I mention what I'm going through, they either yell or kind of mock me, say that I'm overreacting.

Like, yesterday, my psych said I was probably just depressed and they were all like: WE were right! And then, there was this bottle of wine, on the table and my sister said: " Oh I nearly drank all of this on my own, guess I have brain-damage now!" Really not fun!

Or worse: they lie to me, about putting wine in a dish, which I feel is really just cruel, cause I don't ever want to consume alcohol again, in any form. I'd give anything to switch minds with one of them. At least they all made something out of their lives.

FreeOwl

I'm sorry to hear you're unsupported by those around you. In fairness; it is very hard for others to understand. "Normal" drinkers truly don't fathom addiction - and others who are abusers or addicts themselves have in-built resistance and defenses that rise up in the presence of those in recovery to protect their own use.

It's not their fault and - truly - it's not a reflection of you. One of the challenges of sobriety is coming to recognize this and to allow people to be people.

A smile, a little humor, and inward compassion for those others seems to work really well for me.

But it can surely be difficult. Keep at it, you're doing the right thing....

Jdvivre

Hi iPaid.

I can relate to the weird feeling of losing-your-identity, it causes me great anxiety. But this is what I tell myself:

-My problems didn't go away when I stopped drinking - and without the booze haze I have to face them more honestly. It helps to remind myself that "it's not easy, but it's certainly easier than it was." That helps sometimes.

-Also, remember this: our brains aren't fully developed until we're closer to 26/27. That's a lot of identity buidling before we can truly say "this is who I am" - and even then, it's naive to think of outselves as static in that way. We (the real "me") is constantly changing.

-Most importantly: how real is the "real you" if that person was under the influence?

Alcohol and all substances hide us from ourselves. Facing our selves honestly without the haze is difficult, but it's authentic.

Alcohol was never part of our identity, it may have enhanced or inhibited parts of us but underneath that there's a complete YOU.

You have to reconnect with that person, re-acquaint yourself with your genuine voice inside3 that isn't drowned out or deafened by booze - and you have to make friends with her because you're going to live with her forever.

Remember, you take yourself with you wherever you are.

Love
xxx

Buggirl

It's totally 'normal'. It's the chemical balance of the brain changing! It will pass with time. Your body is healing! Don't panic, things will start to improve, just stick with it, it is worth it!