What happened after the last time I drank
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
What happened after the last time I drank
What happened after the last time I drank. I had been doing really well and had put a lot of thought into why I wasn’t getting sober. I decided to declutter and make it simple. I got rid of traditional conventional knowledge and methods. I adopted a simple approach. It was working and I was confident. But then I drank - the why is less important than what happened next.
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
It's almost an audible click is it not? Congrats! Hurray for you! and all that. So many here are sooo much better with iterating "the process" (including yourself) but there is noo mistaking when It happen(ed). Onward JF!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 688
jazz, you just gave me shivers!
Originally Posted by jazzfish 
What happened after the last time I drank. I had been doing really well and had put a lot of thought into why I wasn’t getting sober. I decided to declutter and make it simple. I got rid of traditional conventional knowledge and methods. I adopted a simple approach. It was working and I was confident. But then I drank - the why is less important than what happened next.
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by jazzfish
What happened after the last time I drank. I had been doing really well and had put a lot of thought into why I wasn’t getting sober. I decided to declutter and make it simple. I got rid of traditional conventional knowledge and methods. I adopted a simple approach. It was working and I was confident. But then I drank - the why is less important than what happened next.
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
At first, I felt defeated and frustrated and hopeless. I immediately started to think I had made a mistake and I should go back to trying the traditional path to sobriety, despite the fact that it had never worked for me. I was in panic mode. I kept drinking, a few here and a few there. I was worried it would be a long time until I got traction again. I kept thinking and researching, trying to find “the answer”.
Somewhere in that process, I read some early posts by Terminally Unique about how to know when you have really made you Big Plan. I started to realize that I had never made my Big Plan. (Actually, I was told this here, but I didn't quite understand it.) I had said the words, but I hadn’t made it. I read that when I really make my Big Plan, that my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad. It wasn’t that I had to screw up my face and say the Big Plan with great determination; it was that I recognized that it was over when I made it. Sobriety was mine for the taking. That was when the second thing happened. I felt a calm and I knew it was over as soon as I wanted it to be.
The AV is screaming and I am calm…and interesting place to be, but that duality allowed me to realize with 100% certainty that the AV would never control my actions. I could win against every time, easily. That doesn’t mean it would go silent immediately, but I could always recognize it and send it packing.
I really began to see the subtlety of the AV and recognize when it (always call it “it”) started talking to me. When I made my Big Plan, my AV didn’t scream “NO! Go drink!!” instead it quietly suggested, “why don’t you try a year instead?” or “What about that networking meeting in June?” This is where AVRT really helped. I needed to shut the AV down at that point, not an hour or 10 minutes later – right that instant. “Nope, it is forever and it starts now. It is mine if I want it.” And the AV would go quiet. And I felt good, calm.
The day I realized this and made my Big Plan, I wrote the following in my journal, “I am done. I am sober. I am recovered. 100%”
I have highlighted in red some of your post that leads me to what I say next.
This is from the RR website:
---------
IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking or using, sign off and return here during a day when you have been abstinent. You cannot learn AVRT while under the influence, even slightly so. Make a safe plan for detox.
---------
You make it sound like you could have been under the influence of alcohol at the time of making a Big Plan. This does not mean that making a Big Plan did not take place, but YOU were not actually fully present anywhere in the universe at that time if there was any alcohol in your system. It can be done, but it's usually when something very bad happens with serious bad consequences that carry over well into the future after the hangover and flushing of alcohol from the bloodstream and those people then fully recommit to permanent abstinence when they are fully themselves.
So, in any case, you ARE reporting it HERE on SR for all to witness, so, I will not doubt that you have made a Big Plan and are now fully clear of alcohol and are fully committed to that Big Plan.
CONGRATULATIONS !!!
Nevertheless, I believe it IS the Addictive Voice that backs you off by simply repeating a rhetorical phrase "It's mine if I want it." instead of declaring very deliberately "I will NEVER drink again, and I will go through the rest of my life and eventually die many years from now WITHOUT EVER AGAIN experiencing even the teentsy tiniest effect of alcohol in my body."
GT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
[QUOTE=GerandTwine;5265666]Hi JF,
You make it sound like you could have been under the influence of alcohol at the time of making a Big Plan. This does not mean that making a Big Plan did not take place, but YOU were not actually fully present anywhere in the universe at that time if there was any alcohol in your system. It can be done, but it's usually when something very bad happens with serious bad consequences that carry over well into the future after the hangover and flushing of alcohol from the bloodstream and those people then fully recommit to permanent abstinence when they are fully themselves.
So, in any case, you ARE reporting it HERE on SR for all to witness, so, I will not doubt that you have made a Big Plan and are now fully clear of alcohol and are fully committed to that Big Plan.
Are you kidding me? Were you actually present around Jazzfish to make such a statement about whether or not she was under the influence?
You make it sound like you could have been under the influence of alcohol at the time of making a Big Plan. This does not mean that making a Big Plan did not take place, but YOU were not actually fully present anywhere in the universe at that time if there was any alcohol in your system. It can be done, but it's usually when something very bad happens with serious bad consequences that carry over well into the future after the hangover and flushing of alcohol from the bloodstream and those people then fully recommit to permanent abstinence when they are fully themselves.
So, in any case, you ARE reporting it HERE on SR for all to witness, so, I will not doubt that you have made a Big Plan and are now fully clear of alcohol and are fully committed to that Big Plan.
Are you kidding me? Were you actually present around Jazzfish to make such a statement about whether or not she was under the influence?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by GerandTwine
You make it sound like you could have been under the influence of alcohol at the time of making a Big Plan.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Wow, thank you posting, Jazzfish; what a wonderful way to explain rational thinking in recovery. It really touched me because it gave me the courage to plug along and a bit of perspective so that I can let go of some of my self-doubt (a little bit is still good).
I just started abstinence and am starting to wonder if the general board conversation is hurting my chances of staying alcohol-free. The constant..."I am on Day blah, blah, blah," actually makes me obsess more about drinking. This is only my second week on the boards and I am starting to think of people by Day-whatever, instead of their username. The assumption that everyone is new to recovery and being talked down to might be a trigger. I know, different methods for different people -- that is very true.
I do not believe in the disease theory of alcohol or give it any credence. This time I detoxed, I realized that I don't have a drinking problem. I have an I-can't-handle-this problem or an I-don't want-to-deal-with-this problem. Or maybe it is simpler, I just do not have the ability to self-soothe. I really don't have that choice now, I have to deal and I don't want to feel helpless or powerless anymore.
At the moment, I have extremely stressful and difficult external problems. I have never been this stressed. I am starting a new career while keeping my old one (working two jobs), plus I am a civil rights activist/researcher for a massive and intricate pressing project and I am dealing with all kinds of insane personalities (on our side). I am extremely concerned about my privacy of recovery because there is a history of surveillance from opposing parties and they do not like me very much. :/ Whatever. Oh yeah, plus I home school, too.
As much as I need to clear up my schedule, I simply cannot drop any of these. I have to deal and so far I am dealing, but there is hope in sight for more free time. Every time I visit the boards (which I love, don't get me wrong) I have mixed feelings of calmness from the camaraderie, but there is a bit of self-doubt from all the nudges of people saying, passively, 'you will fail' when they give advice.
I would have never made it through the last three f**king days if I were still drinking. I have no idea how I kept up before. Going into the main forums where I see people obsessively counting days makes me antsy. I want to be well now.
Yes, I am having a very difficult time right now, but I am sober because I choose to be. I relapsed for six months and I will never do that again. I cannot believe the crazy stuff my AV says. 'What are you going to do when son or daughter gets married when they are adults? Aren't you going to toast a glass of champagne?'
That one thought really sealed the deal for me. After all the insane amount of cravings I had today, that one thought stopped my thirst once I played it out. What if I drank too much and ruined my child's wedding, what if I didn't ruin it, but didn't remember it? Plus, toasting is not about alcohol, silly, it is about friendship, love and admiration, not poison.
I understand that alcohol is poison to me, but not for another person.
So enough about me, I just wanted to say your post really meant a lot because it had something I have never seen so clearly here on SR.
It had resolve.
I want this as well. Resolve doesn't mean you stop working or let down your guard. It means the very opposite. It invokes self confidence to help push through the most difficult times, especially when recovering from addiction. I was never able to say that in my last periods of sobriety.
I am saying that I am recovered, too. I am not an alcoholic.
Writing that made me feel so empowered. I am prioritizing the completion of my Big Plan above all else because I am resolved to never, ever drink again.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experience about recovery. It truly made the difference for me whether today was a bad or a good day. It was a good day.
I just started abstinence and am starting to wonder if the general board conversation is hurting my chances of staying alcohol-free. The constant..."I am on Day blah, blah, blah," actually makes me obsess more about drinking. This is only my second week on the boards and I am starting to think of people by Day-whatever, instead of their username. The assumption that everyone is new to recovery and being talked down to might be a trigger. I know, different methods for different people -- that is very true.
I do not believe in the disease theory of alcohol or give it any credence. This time I detoxed, I realized that I don't have a drinking problem. I have an I-can't-handle-this problem or an I-don't want-to-deal-with-this problem. Or maybe it is simpler, I just do not have the ability to self-soothe. I really don't have that choice now, I have to deal and I don't want to feel helpless or powerless anymore.
At the moment, I have extremely stressful and difficult external problems. I have never been this stressed. I am starting a new career while keeping my old one (working two jobs), plus I am a civil rights activist/researcher for a massive and intricate pressing project and I am dealing with all kinds of insane personalities (on our side). I am extremely concerned about my privacy of recovery because there is a history of surveillance from opposing parties and they do not like me very much. :/ Whatever. Oh yeah, plus I home school, too.
As much as I need to clear up my schedule, I simply cannot drop any of these. I have to deal and so far I am dealing, but there is hope in sight for more free time. Every time I visit the boards (which I love, don't get me wrong) I have mixed feelings of calmness from the camaraderie, but there is a bit of self-doubt from all the nudges of people saying, passively, 'you will fail' when they give advice.
I would have never made it through the last three f**king days if I were still drinking. I have no idea how I kept up before. Going into the main forums where I see people obsessively counting days makes me antsy. I want to be well now.
Yes, I am having a very difficult time right now, but I am sober because I choose to be. I relapsed for six months and I will never do that again. I cannot believe the crazy stuff my AV says. 'What are you going to do when son or daughter gets married when they are adults? Aren't you going to toast a glass of champagne?'
That one thought really sealed the deal for me. After all the insane amount of cravings I had today, that one thought stopped my thirst once I played it out. What if I drank too much and ruined my child's wedding, what if I didn't ruin it, but didn't remember it? Plus, toasting is not about alcohol, silly, it is about friendship, love and admiration, not poison.
I understand that alcohol is poison to me, but not for another person.
So enough about me, I just wanted to say your post really meant a lot because it had something I have never seen so clearly here on SR.
It had resolve.
I want this as well. Resolve doesn't mean you stop working or let down your guard. It means the very opposite. It invokes self confidence to help push through the most difficult times, especially when recovering from addiction. I was never able to say that in my last periods of sobriety.
I am saying that I am recovered, too. I am not an alcoholic.
Writing that made me feel so empowered. I am prioritizing the completion of my Big Plan above all else because I am resolved to never, ever drink again.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experience about recovery. It truly made the difference for me whether today was a bad or a good day. It was a good day.
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IMPORTANT: If you have been drinking or using, sign off and return here during a day when you have been abstinent. You cannot learn AVRT while under the influence, even slightly so. Make a safe plan for detox.
I wouldn't want anyone to be confused.
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Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by Pouncer
Wow, thank you posting, Jazzfish; what a wonderful way to explain rational thinking in recovery.
The second part was this transition that took place. I had long sought the magic key that would make my sobriety happen. There never was one. What happened this time was recognizing on the deepest level that I had and had always had the power to declare it over at any time. And at the same time, that recognition made it possible to see and understand the difference between me and my AV.
If you take a deep breath and relax, then say with all your heart, "I am done. I am sober" there will likely be an initial feeling of elation and freedom, followed almost immediately by some doubt. And there they are, those two voices: you and the AV. Deny the second by asserting the first!
(Programming note: I should probably not use the term "Big Plan" because I am not really following RR, although there are similarities. I am also ignoring philosophical discussion about whether me and the AV are dual or unified.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 43
Hi, jazzfish
I know exacly what you are talking about, i always had this feeling when i wasnt serious about my BP, but one thing tough, i remember that even if i recognized that "my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad", i would got back to addiction anyway. Because then it would say to me, "ok, you made a big plan but i am not squirming and screaming" that means you have not made your BP and you are condemned to fail. That by it self was AV and i didnt recognize it. So the key i think is it doesnt matter if it screams or not, you will not do it.
I know exacly what you are talking about, i always had this feeling when i wasnt serious about my BP, but one thing tough, i remember that even if i recognized that "my AV would be squirming and screaming like mad", i would got back to addiction anyway. Because then it would say to me, "ok, you made a big plan but i am not squirming and screaming" that means you have not made your BP and you are condemned to fail. That by it self was AV and i didnt recognize it. So the key i think is it doesnt matter if it screams or not, you will not do it.
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