Time2Focus

1. Went to an inpatient rehab out of state. Wife supported me. Left her and my child for 6 weeks. Came back a "new man".
2. Had a lot of clean time under my belt.
3. Slowly started to go back into my old cycle of drinking a little bit here and there, hiding it, drinking more than she knows about.
4. Having the occasional hangover and counting the hours down until bedtime... so I can stop faking it - like I'm feeling perfectly fine and it is just a normal day.
5. Used to just low, like I needed an escape...
6. Now I have gone from feeling like "I really don't care if I wake up tomorrow" to "I would like to just put a stop to all this.... for good... forever".

Dee74

Despair is always a part of drinking again Time.

I know it's hard to think ahead but don't make any decisions based on the way you feel today.

You've shown you can be sober - you just need to work on the permanent bit.

You'll find the same support and help and encouragement you found last time.

You can do this

D

courage2

When I quit drinking, the desperation stopped almost immediately. I still had problems and even depression, but the desire to kill myself that I walked around with every day for months and months when I was at my bottom -- that desperation lifted.

Don't listen to the sick thoughts of your brain under the influence of a major depressant. Get support, get straight again, and things will likely look different -- and if they don't, you'll be in a better spot to get more help if you need it.

Spacegoat

Couldn't agree more with the posts above. Speaking from experience also.

Soberjoy1

I won't say that's only the alcohol, but alcohol clouds our minds. I suffer from serious depression, and I know it's not easy. Just hang in. Take a walk, listen to music, journal, post. Whatever you can do to feel better. And go see a Doctor, if needed. Antidepressants can be helpful.

esinger

I know (as many here probably do) that feeling. It can and will get better if you give it a chance. You need to learn to like and take care of yourself. The rest of the stuff will fall into place with some time and sober time and some clarity.

You can turn this around still. Just have to let go of the guilt and despair. Please seek out the help that you need.

Lenina

Focus. So. Why did you have that first drink? What happened?

Alcohol fed my depressions and my suicidal thoughts.

love from Lenina

Jsbodhi

Me too, I'm happy go lucky, but when I drink I'm depressed and at the end its was bordering on despair.
No alcohol and I feel great

Notimetoloose

There is an expression I heard here, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
It is good you are here and talking. I have had those feelings myself since I have quit drinking I never ever think like that. It really is messed up.
I joined the dots and drinking caused that awful depressive despair to my general mental health, it made it really fragile and difficult.
Have you got a health professional to talk with? The extra support can make a great deal of difference.

Latte

In my experience, when I started to feel like that and did not get help, things didn't get any better but when I treat my depression, I can see the forest through the trees.

My thoughts are with you. It does get better.

hopeful4

Alcohol is a depressant. So if you are feeling low, it will drive you lower in the end. I would say that hiding it from your family is also wearing on your mind??

Your life is worth it. Your child needs you, so does your wife. You have a life to live.

You can do this!!!!!

DrunkenDonuts

Hey mate. Life is a bull and alcohol is the red cape we alcoholics wave at it, daring it to maul us. It's not surprising that after we've been gored a few times we want to die.
The bull will never be our friend but if we stop tempting fate hopefully we get to walk around the fields a bit longer.

thomas11

One of the greatest analogies I've ever heard. Well done.

least

I drank because I was anxious and depressed and drinking just made it worse. When I got sober, the anxiety and depression lifted quite a bit. Now that I'm sober my meds work as they should and the anxiety and depression are manageable.

Soberwolf

You can do this

Dee74

Time2Focus - how are you today?

D

Time2Focus

Thanks for the support everyone and for asking about how I'm doing today. To answer that question.... I'm doing about the same, but I'm still here... so I guess that is a positive. Don't really feel like talking all that much, but wanted to give you all the respect that you deserve and let you know I'm still here.

brynn

Thanks for checking in, time2focus.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Dee74

Some of the reading here and the links may be helpful for those lowest of times Time:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

ccam1973

Be strong Time. Like Dee said, you know how to get sober, now its time to work on the permanent bit. I dont have much room to talk, every day is a battle for me. some days easier than others... that's life.

i know this though, i like life so much more sober than in the drunken cloud i spent the past 20 years in.

we are here for you. you can do this!