So frustrated and sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
So frustrated and sad
I drove by XAH's house while out getting lunch (stupid, stupid, stupid). After 2 glorious months of not hearing from him and working on myself and my son.
He was passed out face down in the front yard. I drove up and honked (I know it sounds cruel, but he can be seriously erratic and violent when scared awake). No response. Called an ambulance, gave them the name and address. They said they'd been there 3 days ago when he fell off the porch and the neighbors called - he refused treatment. Now they don't want to go there. I told them this phone call was confirmation that an emergency was reported, so if they don't respond and something happens to him, it's going to be on them...And then I went back to work.
So I guess XAH is on his way to another hospital detox. Hopefully he'll still be unconscious when they get there so they'll just take him.
I don't know how to feel, so I feel a whole lot of nothing. I can identify frustration and sadness, the main emotions I feel toward XAH. But there's something else. I don't want to get off track, but, you know, I don't want him DIE either. Did I do the right thing?
He was passed out face down in the front yard. I drove up and honked (I know it sounds cruel, but he can be seriously erratic and violent when scared awake). No response. Called an ambulance, gave them the name and address. They said they'd been there 3 days ago when he fell off the porch and the neighbors called - he refused treatment. Now they don't want to go there. I told them this phone call was confirmation that an emergency was reported, so if they don't respond and something happens to him, it's going to be on them...And then I went back to work.
So I guess XAH is on his way to another hospital detox. Hopefully he'll still be unconscious when they get there so they'll just take him.
I don't know how to feel, so I feel a whole lot of nothing. I can identify frustration and sadness, the main emotions I feel toward XAH. But there's something else. I don't want to get off track, but, you know, I don't want him DIE either. Did I do the right thing?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You did the right thing by calling for an ambulance after witnessing someone in that kind of condition.
The wrong thing that you did was to drive by his house in the first place. You had 2 months of no contact then you relapsed, time to get back on track with YOUR recovery and continue working on your control issues. Usually frustration comes from NOT being able to CONTROL someone or something.
He’s your ex; he’s not contacted you or shown concern for your child in 2 months. What were your expectations going to be by driving by his house?
What need inside of you did a drive by fulfill?
The wrong thing that you did was to drive by his house in the first place. You had 2 months of no contact then you relapsed, time to get back on track with YOUR recovery and continue working on your control issues. Usually frustration comes from NOT being able to CONTROL someone or something.
He’s your ex; he’s not contacted you or shown concern for your child in 2 months. What were your expectations going to be by driving by his house?
What need inside of you did a drive by fulfill?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
atalose, that's exactly the kind of questioning I need right now. I don't even have a clear thought process of why I drove by. I go to get lunch at a particular place three blocks from his home each week, and have never driven by his house until today. Maybe 2 months of no contact had me a bit freaked out - control. Gotta know what's going on. Stupid.
Like, what do I get out of driving by someone's house? Oh, his car is there. DUH. Nothing to gain.
On the one hand, I'm glad I was there to call an ambulance... He looked unconscious and did not respond when I honked three feet from his face. What I now know is that once again the ambulance came and he refused treatment.
So yes, all of this was for naught. I launched myself back into his mess and ruined my peace of mind for f-ing nothing. All I get out of it is pain and frustration.
An Al Anon meeting is in my future.
Thanks again, atalose!
Like, what do I get out of driving by someone's house? Oh, his car is there. DUH. Nothing to gain.
On the one hand, I'm glad I was there to call an ambulance... He looked unconscious and did not respond when I honked three feet from his face. What I now know is that once again the ambulance came and he refused treatment.
So yes, all of this was for naught. I launched myself back into his mess and ruined my peace of mind for f-ing nothing. All I get out of it is pain and frustration.
An Al Anon meeting is in my future.
Thanks again, atalose!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
AliWProk.....I am a medical professional...and, even though he refused to go (again)....I say that you absolutely did the right thing.
So often, people tend to disregard the alcoholic as "just being drunk"...and often, life-threatening conditions get overlooked. Even medical people have to keep this in mind.
I completely understand your concern over his condition.
So, you had a "slip".....but, I am sure that you can learn from even this experience.
LOL...I think we humans are very prone to touch the stove, again, to see if it is still hot...
dandylion
So often, people tend to disregard the alcoholic as "just being drunk"...and often, life-threatening conditions get overlooked. Even medical people have to keep this in mind.
I completely understand your concern over his condition.
So, you had a "slip".....but, I am sure that you can learn from even this experience.
LOL...I think we humans are very prone to touch the stove, again, to see if it is still hot...
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So you took a few steps backwards and realized it doesn’t benefit you to go “chaos hunting”. (recently read that on here and love it)
I think like any addiction if we sit with the thoughts for too long we will act on those thoughts and that’s when we find ourselves in trouble. . I’m sure he’s been on your mind, wondering how he is and all of that and I bet those thoughts have been on your mind a lot lately.
So yes hit up a meeting, call a friend, post here and get back on your side of the street. You made a mistake today, it’s not going to be your first one or your last one in life but if you drive by his house again it’s not a mistake it’s a choice and a bad one at that.
You’ll be ok!!!
I think like any addiction if we sit with the thoughts for too long we will act on those thoughts and that’s when we find ourselves in trouble. . I’m sure he’s been on your mind, wondering how he is and all of that and I bet those thoughts have been on your mind a lot lately.
So yes hit up a meeting, call a friend, post here and get back on your side of the street. You made a mistake today, it’s not going to be your first one or your last one in life but if you drive by his house again it’s not a mistake it’s a choice and a bad one at that.
You’ll be ok!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Chaos hunting. How perfect is that!?
I think I must have some sort of survivor's guilt. My life is pretty damn good right now. I have a great relationship with my husband and son. My son's report card Friday was very good. No behavioral issues at school in a long time. Had my step-daughter over for a sleepover with her brother for the first time in 4 years. So by Sunday I guess I was thinking about XAH and all he's missing out on, and feeling a little guilty about it. Especially after 2 months of just not knowing if he's dead or alive.
Dandylion, you're right, he is a medical emergency. I told central dispatch that he was an end-stage alcoholic and may need detox if he wants to go with them to the hospital. The first time he went to detox, he had called me and was incoherent, and I heard a crash sound and then nothing. I sent an ambulance and then went to the hospital to meet it. He looked like death warmed over. He was in a coma. He was in ICU for a week. The docs said he might have permanent brain damage (which I'm sure is the case). He got better, went to IOP, and then relapsed as soon as he was able to return home by himself. Repeat every 4-5 months for the next 2 years (due to massive family enabling, which recently stopped with this latest relapse when all agreed to go to Al Anon).
Now he's on his own. No family bailout. Just consequences. Lost his job. His marriage. His relationship. His kids. His family. His friends. In the next month he is facing defaulting on his mortgage and going to jail for non-payment of child support for his daughter. I hope he finds bottom and gets help. He knows who to call and what to do by now.
When I called the ambulance today, they were resistant to go because apparently they'd been there 3 days ago when his neighbors called. He fell off the porch and was unresponsive for a time. By the time the ambulance got there, he was conscious, back in the house, and refused treatment, just like today.
So I have my answer. He's alive, and he's still living in the bottle.
Back to my life.
Thank you all for your always spot-on support!
I think I must have some sort of survivor's guilt. My life is pretty damn good right now. I have a great relationship with my husband and son. My son's report card Friday was very good. No behavioral issues at school in a long time. Had my step-daughter over for a sleepover with her brother for the first time in 4 years. So by Sunday I guess I was thinking about XAH and all he's missing out on, and feeling a little guilty about it. Especially after 2 months of just not knowing if he's dead or alive.
Dandylion, you're right, he is a medical emergency. I told central dispatch that he was an end-stage alcoholic and may need detox if he wants to go with them to the hospital. The first time he went to detox, he had called me and was incoherent, and I heard a crash sound and then nothing. I sent an ambulance and then went to the hospital to meet it. He looked like death warmed over. He was in a coma. He was in ICU for a week. The docs said he might have permanent brain damage (which I'm sure is the case). He got better, went to IOP, and then relapsed as soon as he was able to return home by himself. Repeat every 4-5 months for the next 2 years (due to massive family enabling, which recently stopped with this latest relapse when all agreed to go to Al Anon).
Now he's on his own. No family bailout. Just consequences. Lost his job. His marriage. His relationship. His kids. His family. His friends. In the next month he is facing defaulting on his mortgage and going to jail for non-payment of child support for his daughter. I hope he finds bottom and gets help. He knows who to call and what to do by now.
When I called the ambulance today, they were resistant to go because apparently they'd been there 3 days ago when his neighbors called. He fell off the porch and was unresponsive for a time. By the time the ambulance got there, he was conscious, back in the house, and refused treatment, just like today.
So I have my answer. He's alive, and he's still living in the bottle.
Back to my life.
Thank you all for your always spot-on support!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Ouch, you'd be sad to see a total stranger living like that, much less your EXAH. I guess everyone just feels helpless. I really hope he recovers at some point, but it doesn't look good right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ali-
You know what you need to do. Maybe if he stayed there a little longer, or something worse happened, it could have been his rock bottom.
Don't force a solution, let it happen as Gods way, as he doesn't make mistakes. As an A will say, if he chooses to kill themselves it is not an alanons fault. You have done everything possible to get him help. Sorry, but give him to God!! (I don't mean to be mean, but you will never know what should/could have happened)
((((((hugs)))))))))))
You know what you need to do. Maybe if he stayed there a little longer, or something worse happened, it could have been his rock bottom.
Don't force a solution, let it happen as Gods way, as he doesn't make mistakes. As an A will say, if he chooses to kill themselves it is not an alanons fault. You have done everything possible to get him help. Sorry, but give him to God!! (I don't mean to be mean, but you will never know what should/could have happened)
((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
maia1234, no meanness detected. Besides, I posted here for a kick in the as-s, so thanks! I didn't immediately tell my stepdaughter's mother about the incident. Apparently yesterday she spotted him driving by her house (he has stalked her for years - he doesn't know where I live). I told her to drop a dime on him, but she didn't. So he was out there driving drunk as the kiddos were getting out of school yesterday (and just prior to the holiday pub crawl). I need to let go. I just wish I could do it when I know he's out there driving drunk and endangering lives.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by dandylion 
LOL...I think we humans are very prone to touch the stove, again, to see if it is still hot...
dandylion
I think it's great your life is going so well.
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