SpartanGreen

I used to post here a lot because I have a lot of problems. I drank myself to sleep every night and did all types of awful things which I am ashamed of. Got help here, got clean, stayed clean for a long time, and now I'm at where I am now.

Part of getting clean came in the form of a huge lifestyle change where I left and sold everything to drive a semi across the country.

Now I've started drinking every now and then, when I come upon a cool place where it might be fun. AKA trying to act like a normal person.

I did that tonight. I parked my semi at a casino and had 8 beers, had a lot of fun. The casino was 15 miles from where I have to deliver in the morning.

Something possessed me and I had the worst idea ever to drive in to where I have to deliver in the morning. I made it there, but I drove a semi loaded to 79,000 pounds 15 miles across Dallas after drinking 8 beers.

I honestly didn't think I was capable of being so reckless to do such a thing. Right now I'm so ashamed and just flat out frightened of what just happened. I'm on the verge of tears because at the moment I don't feel like I have a grasp on myself or what I'm capable of when I start drinking.

I just feel like the worst person in the world right now.

Dee74

Hi Spartan

for me the really important question is - is this enough to convince you you're not a normal drinker?

I'm not trying to be funny but if it's not enough to convince you, you need a different job.

D

SpartanGreen

Well yes, but I thought I had a good grasp on myself. I never thought I was capable of doing such a thing. Right now, I feel it's beyond drinking, I think I'm a crazy person.

Dee74

I found that drinking suddenly made me capable of things I'd never consider in my right mind.

I think most of us have learned that.

The thing is, a lot of us really wish/hope that, for whatever reason, that may no longer be true...and of course we discover it usually is just as it always was.

where you go now depends on whether you accept that or not SG?
D

MythOfSisyphus

There's an old saying, "a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips". It's a way to say that the pleasure of something like a Twinkie isn't worth putting on a pound that won't go away. For us booze is like that. I'm pretty sane and have been sober for almost 2.5 years. But if I started again and tried to moderate I'd be making the same kind of crazy decisions you just made.

You have to know by now that moderation is not a realistic option. But look at the positives! Maybe it was just dumb luck but you didn't kill anyone or get arrested. You dodged a bullet this time. Look in the mirror and come to terms with what you see. Don't let there be a next time!

Glad to see you around SR, SpartanGreen! You did it once, you can get things back on track.

Dee74

Thanks to MoS for articulating what I could not, politely.

These are big stakes SG.. Cutting out all the white noise...you need to know which side of the drink/no drink divide you're on if you want to keep this job.

D

AddictGuy

Most of all Spartan, you made it. So did everybody else. Nothing bad happened and the sky didn't fall, so don't beat yourself up too much. One of the things that helped me quit drinking was that I knew with my entire brain not to drink and drive, but after a few, or maybe many it just sounded like a cool idea. . . . over and over again. There was a price. Fortunately for the world, it was only me that paid it.

Like D was saying drinking makes you capable of doing things you would never dream of doing sober.

You just have to come back to square one now, Spartan. You put what you did behind you and you move forward, only smarter now. More aware of what you are capable of. You refocus, knowing, just knowing that you can never, ever drink again. Not one sip. Maybe someone else can. You can't.

It is not the eighth beer that gets you. It is not even the first sip. It is the first contemplation of the first sip, un-noted, unchecked. If you don't catch that, fast forward, people could die, and worst case you might have to live the rest of your life knowing you caused it.

There is the saying: Live and learn. But in this case I would turn that around: Learn and live.

Forgive yourself now. Loving yourself may sound like the last thing you should do now, but it is the first thing and that means taking care of yourself and in so doing, you will be taking care of your fellowman, your fellow traveler as well. And never, ever drink again.

AG

mns1

Hey Spartan,

I'm sure just about all of us here have things we look back on when intoxicated that make us think, "Did I seriously freakin' do that?"

Alcohol by nature kind of makes us a little crazy because it lowers our inhibitions, which exist to protect us. Almost makes you wonder why the hell anyone would want to drink the stuff to begin with!

Soberwolf

Having a sober plan always helps bud

MIRecovery

Untreated alcoholism ends in one of 3 ways incarceration, institutionalization, or death.

The other option is recovery. I hope you choose wisely.

Kaneda8888

I would say that was a timely wake up call. One part of the reality, as MoS correctly states is that no one was harmed, no accident and no arrest. So, thats the past. Let it go. However, the other part is realization about your drinking. Time to reconsider and change, while you have a choice !

IOAA2

Hi.

Your drinking escapades don’t have to be duplicated by simply not picking up the first drink.

In AA this sort of thing is called insanity and you know where that can end.

Incarceration, institutionalization, death or living a miserable life as a drunk.

Your choice.

BE WELL

Alynn

Spartan it's so not worth it!!!! My husband drives a hot shot rig so I know the inspections you go through. I've spent a night in jail for being intoxicated while driving. Big time hassles. Come back here for help again. Everyday. You've got what it takes. I had a hard time accepting I just can't drink like a normal person. Once I did though it made it easier. Didn't have to moderation game torture.

Alynn

You are definitely not a bad person though btw! We have all made those bad decisions!!! Head up and dust off. Welcome back!!!

Tang

The fact that you are here and remorseful tells me you are not a bad person. I have done things I regret while under the influence. Plan. Build a new plan. We are here for you.

Anna

You are blessed, truly blessed, to have made that 15 mile drive safely and without getting caught. Take a look at that and really let it sink in. Make the changes you need to make today and forever, so that you never do anything like that again. We're here for you.

ArtFriend

Oh no! A drunk semi-tractor trailer driver in Dallas! I've never seen that before!

Actually that is very reckless as your said. You were given a "teachable moment" as they say. Learn from it. BTW, sorry about Wisconsin beating State yesterday. It was painful to watch.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Spartan. I remember your decision to switch careers. I think you may have found what a lot of us did - that you cannot run away or move away from your addiction - it comes with us no matter where we go. Moving away from support can lead us back to drinking too - because as you have found, addiction is a lifelong affliction, you are never "cured". I too hope you can find the strength to admit this to yourself and seek the help you need. For yourself most importantly, but equally as important for the safety of others out on the road in your career.

fini

Spartan,

thirty years ago i got my licence to drive semis. celebrated by inviting the driving instructor out for a beer and many many beers later we went to the yard, got the tractor and i spent three more hours driving it all over town.
flying high.

next day, wow. couldn't believe i'd EVER do such a thing.
did i change my drinking after that? did i stop?

no.

i changed the rest of my life so i could keep accommodating the continued drinking, basically. but i didn't drive drunk again. terrifying. not just the fact of it, but the not-getting-the-terror-of-it at the time.

none of this is about being a bad person.
hope you find the way out. being here is a good start.