Moderation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 31
Moderation
Good morning,
This post is going to sound like it's about someone else but really it's about me--I think.
I started posting here about 9 months ago at the start of my journey. I was sober for a while, went back to moderating, didn't like it, and now I'm sober again. It was a struggle for me to moderate. It took too much energy. Being sober hasn't always been easy either. I find myself easily tempted.
About six months ago I met a man. I really like him a lot and could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I've not felt quite this sure about anyone. He is also an alcoholic. I was clear with him from the beginning that I could date someone who is a recovering alcoholic but I would not be with an active alcoholic. He hasn't been sober very long and he's had one major fall off the wagon since I've known him. It was bad. It involved police, crashing his car, and a whole bunch of other things he can't remember.
After that, he was feeling pretty low. I dragged him to a meeting the next day and told him that I would be there for him in this regard but that if there was another incident then we couldn't be romantically involved. He told me that it reinforced for him that he could not be a normal drinker.
So today he tells me that yesterday he had two beers while with his buddies. He is proud of himself 1) for walking away after two beers and 2) telling me the truth. Me, I'm devastated because I see this as a sign that he doesn't have a handle on his drinking and he still wants to be a moderate drinker. I see it as a precursor to another horrible drinking event like the one I described above and I don't want to be around for it.
As much as I care about him, do I have to walk away for my own sake and for his, until he's more stable in sobriety? Can someone really just have two beers and go back to abstaining? (I never could. for me, it became two beers a day, then six a day... etc.) Can anyone offer insight?
This post is going to sound like it's about someone else but really it's about me--I think.
I started posting here about 9 months ago at the start of my journey. I was sober for a while, went back to moderating, didn't like it, and now I'm sober again. It was a struggle for me to moderate. It took too much energy. Being sober hasn't always been easy either. I find myself easily tempted.
About six months ago I met a man. I really like him a lot and could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I've not felt quite this sure about anyone. He is also an alcoholic. I was clear with him from the beginning that I could date someone who is a recovering alcoholic but I would not be with an active alcoholic. He hasn't been sober very long and he's had one major fall off the wagon since I've known him. It was bad. It involved police, crashing his car, and a whole bunch of other things he can't remember.
After that, he was feeling pretty low. I dragged him to a meeting the next day and told him that I would be there for him in this regard but that if there was another incident then we couldn't be romantically involved. He told me that it reinforced for him that he could not be a normal drinker.
So today he tells me that yesterday he had two beers while with his buddies. He is proud of himself 1) for walking away after two beers and 2) telling me the truth. Me, I'm devastated because I see this as a sign that he doesn't have a handle on his drinking and he still wants to be a moderate drinker. I see it as a precursor to another horrible drinking event like the one I described above and I don't want to be around for it.
As much as I care about him, do I have to walk away for my own sake and for his, until he's more stable in sobriety? Can someone really just have two beers and go back to abstaining? (I never could. for me, it became two beers a day, then six a day... etc.) Can anyone offer insight?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You will need to be the judge of whether or not the relationship can continue if he continues to drink. As you know from your own addiction there is nothing you can do to make him sober or "fix" him by dragging him to a meeting. I'd suggest having a frank conversation about exactly how you feel and how his drinking affects your sobriety. Honesty and truth are just as important in a relationship as they are to sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 31
I'm so sad. He's now upset with me for bringing it up. He thought I'd be happy that he quit after just two. He says I'm judging him, while I'm just trying to explain that I"m scared he's going to start drinking again like he used to.
I don't feel like I'm judging. I understand the struggle completely. I just don't know if I want to ride the roller coaster. There's no guarantee this will be a roller coaster ride, but it well could be.
I don't feel like I'm judging. I understand the struggle completely. I just don't know if I want to ride the roller coaster. There's no guarantee this will be a roller coaster ride, but it well could be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
There is nothing you will be able to say that will not be turned around on you.
Of course you are judging. We all judge. The fact that he says you're judging is judging, ya know?
You have to decide what boundaries you are willing to verbalize, and then stick to them. Maybe it's, "I cannot/will not be in a relationship with someone who drinks." Maybe you aren't there yet, and it would sound more like, "I will not be around you if you've had a drink." ...regardless, you will have to make a choice here. You know where this is headed.
Of course you are judging. We all judge. The fact that he says you're judging is judging, ya know?
You have to decide what boundaries you are willing to verbalize, and then stick to them. Maybe it's, "I cannot/will not be in a relationship with someone who drinks." Maybe you aren't there yet, and it would sound more like, "I will not be around you if you've had a drink." ...regardless, you will have to make a choice here. You know where this is headed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 31
That's the thing-- I don't know that I feel his drinking is a threat to my sobriety as much as it is a threat to my sanity. I keep saying I want there to be a good amount of sobriety under his belt before I make a major commitment, and anytime anything happens, he says "I'd love you through anything, despite your faults. Why can't you do the same for me?" which feels incredibly manipulative. He also accuses me of changing on him, which I maintain is just a restatement of the boundaries I've had from the beginning, just not what he wants to hear.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
in order to make decisions, you have to judge.
you need to judge that your own boundary of not being with someone who is "active" in drinking is breached.
you need to judge how important that boundary is to you.
and how important your own sobriety priority is to you.
and what's best for YOU.
tons of judging.
none of it needs include judging him.
that he feels judged is just that, a feeling. not related to whether you're judging him or not.
you need to judge that your own boundary of not being with someone who is "active" in drinking is breached.
you need to judge how important that boundary is to you.
and how important your own sobriety priority is to you.
and what's best for YOU.
tons of judging.
none of it needs include judging him.
that he feels judged is just that, a feeling. not related to whether you're judging him or not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Do you want a relationship with an alcoholic? It is a question that you need to ponder a bit. Most alcoholics don't become sober long term. The recovery rates are terrible. You are newly sober. I know you care for him, but I think you need to care for your sobriety at this moment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Over almost 4 decades of people observation I strongly feel that non addictive relationships are difficult enough. Add alcohol/drugs to a relationship and it’s usually headed for disaster especially with less than 5 years of HEALTHY sobriety involved with both parties. This is often because it takes a long period of time for alcoholics to be honest, and that includes denial.
JMO
BE WELL
Over almost 4 decades of people observation I strongly feel that non addictive relationships are difficult enough. Add alcohol/drugs to a relationship and it’s usually headed for disaster especially with less than 5 years of HEALTHY sobriety involved with both parties. This is often because it takes a long period of time for alcoholics to be honest, and that includes denial.
JMO
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 113
I tried moderation SOOOOO many times and failed thought what the heck ill try one more time... and I ended up almost killing myself went to the hospital and lost my licence for a long time plus possible jail time. So moderation for an alcoholic can be very dangerous so I would be care full making that decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
You know, some people can dink too much for a period of time, maybe even get into some trouble over it, then at some point "grow out of it" and be fine. My brother was like that. My brother is not an alcoholic.
I was a lat bloomer. I have never been in trouble with the law. I used to drink responsibly. Then one day, I didn't. I haven't been able to drink responsibly ever since. I'm an alcoholic.
For several years, i thought I could go back to moderating. No dice. For an alcoholic moderation is the holy grail, the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, a pink fluffy unicorn, I could go on with the metaphor but I think you get the picture.
Good luck in making your decision
I was a lat bloomer. I have never been in trouble with the law. I used to drink responsibly. Then one day, I didn't. I haven't been able to drink responsibly ever since. I'm an alcoholic.
For several years, i thought I could go back to moderating. No dice. For an alcoholic moderation is the holy grail, the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, a pink fluffy unicorn, I could go on with the metaphor but I think you get the picture.
Good luck in making your decision
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Mambamama 
That's the thing-- I don't know that I feel his drinking is a threat to my sobriety as much as it is a threat to my sanity. I keep saying I want there to be a good amount of sobriety under his belt before I make a major commitment, and anytime anything happens, he says "I'd love you through anything, despite your faults. Why can't you do the same for me?" which feels incredibly manipulative. He also accuses me of changing on him, which I maintain is just a restatement of the boundaries I've had from the beginning, just not what he wants to hear.
What he said: "I'd love you through anything, despite your faults. Why can't you do the same for me?"
What he meant to say: "I plan on continuing to drink, with or without your blessing, which is no different from any of your "faults." The difference is that, while you're judging my drinking and my bad behavior, I don't say a word to you about your leaving the kitchen light on before bed."
I don't know anyone who refers to their partner's "faults" as a means of resolving differences in a relationships beyond the age of twelve. "You'll love me despite my faults? Aren't I the lucky one!"
His comments and responses to your honest feelings are disturbing. They don't reflect the thinking of an honest, sober person. He's circling the wagons around his drinking, and he's blaming you for any problems you're now experiencing as a couple. So, when he continues to drink, it's your fault, your "changing," that's to blame.
To me, this is verbal abuse. I wouldn't tolerate it, and I'd call it for what it is immediately. It's your friend who needs some serious changing.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Mammabama,
I hope you read EndGame's enough times so that it sinks in. If that means reading it once, great. If that means reading it 100 times, that's great, too. He has offered you wise insight.
In reading your post, I cannot help but think this is exactly why the seasoned veterans of sobriety counsel us to wait at least a year before even thinking about relationships.
How 'bout focusing on yourself and your sobriety/recovery, Mamma?
I hope you read EndGame's enough times so that it sinks in. If that means reading it once, great. If that means reading it 100 times, that's great, too. He has offered you wise insight.
In reading your post, I cannot help but think this is exactly why the seasoned veterans of sobriety counsel us to wait at least a year before even thinking about relationships.
How 'bout focusing on yourself and your sobriety/recovery, Mamma?
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