In sobriety, this is what I've woken up to...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
In sobriety, this is what I've woken up to...
...how completely alone i am in the world, and I can't bear it. Decided to share some things today, because I need to, and hope that's ok with some of you reading.
I am today 28 days sober for the 1st time in 30+ years drinking. The last 6/7 of this was every day. Always wine. Mostly solo drinking or hidden, or sneaking it in before i went out with others, or when i got back home. This is the first time I have stopped. Just quit and against the advice I read here on SR. - I have been just white knuckling it. No gps involvement, no friends support, no AA. Been just getting through each day only in moments with my focus on keeping working, crying when I need to (a lot), staying in bed when i need to, walking when i can, feeding and looking after my cats and cottage, and slowly getting together a plan. So I have a therapist, returned to meditation daily, and slowing right down. But...
...what I have woken up to is a nightmare...a life with no meaning. I am now 56, have no family (left them to live on the streets of Glasgow at 15 yrs old) after too much abuse. I stayed sleeping rough two years, and never went back. Never managed to have kids of my own - cos i didnt want to run the risk of damaging them. Although I have had 2/3 relationships with men...one particularly long and good for 17 years...they have all left me. I know this was a result of 'both' of us in relationship...but anyways they left. I have few friends - cos i find making friends incredibly difficult, but at least the friendships have been long lasting. Because i have managed to get myself a good and long education, build a successful career and so far (god only knows how) don't show any visual signs of long term alcohol consumption...no one would believe my dependency on wine. I know for sure my friends would simply disbelieve my drinking, they would all want to tell you (if you asked) how kind and gentle a woman I am known to be, or how young I look for my years...whatever...none of this is what I feel.
Without it my friendly wine I only feel hopeless. There is nothing here - no real bonds, either historic or future bonds through children, no partner...just me. Always just me. So...this is what my version of alcoholism has clearly helped me to numb out.... The fact (not illusion) of there being absolutely no-one who from one moment to the next thinks of me or worrys about me or remembers me (apart from some intellectual or professional achievement) leaves me just flat. I feel I simply don't exist, and the pain of seeing this is unbearable today. I am aware of much of the reasoning about why I feel this bad...all about not ever forming bonds in the first place with my parents (except tormenting abusive ones) but...that doesn't help me knowing that on days like today
I won't drink. God only knows why not...but as much as cannot bear this, something deep within me needs to see it all clearly...finally. I have no idea why that feeling in me to remain sober - at all costs (and it is costing me) is so strong. But i am grateful for it. Thank you for listening...and apologies for the pessism...not my intention to make anyone else feel low x
I am today 28 days sober for the 1st time in 30+ years drinking. The last 6/7 of this was every day. Always wine. Mostly solo drinking or hidden, or sneaking it in before i went out with others, or when i got back home. This is the first time I have stopped. Just quit and against the advice I read here on SR. - I have been just white knuckling it. No gps involvement, no friends support, no AA. Been just getting through each day only in moments with my focus on keeping working, crying when I need to (a lot), staying in bed when i need to, walking when i can, feeding and looking after my cats and cottage, and slowly getting together a plan. So I have a therapist, returned to meditation daily, and slowing right down. But...
...what I have woken up to is a nightmare...a life with no meaning. I am now 56, have no family (left them to live on the streets of Glasgow at 15 yrs old) after too much abuse. I stayed sleeping rough two years, and never went back. Never managed to have kids of my own - cos i didnt want to run the risk of damaging them. Although I have had 2/3 relationships with men...one particularly long and good for 17 years...they have all left me. I know this was a result of 'both' of us in relationship...but anyways they left. I have few friends - cos i find making friends incredibly difficult, but at least the friendships have been long lasting. Because i have managed to get myself a good and long education, build a successful career and so far (god only knows how) don't show any visual signs of long term alcohol consumption...no one would believe my dependency on wine. I know for sure my friends would simply disbelieve my drinking, they would all want to tell you (if you asked) how kind and gentle a woman I am known to be, or how young I look for my years...whatever...none of this is what I feel.
Without it my friendly wine I only feel hopeless. There is nothing here - no real bonds, either historic or future bonds through children, no partner...just me. Always just me. So...this is what my version of alcoholism has clearly helped me to numb out.... The fact (not illusion) of there being absolutely no-one who from one moment to the next thinks of me or worrys about me or remembers me (apart from some intellectual or professional achievement) leaves me just flat. I feel I simply don't exist, and the pain of seeing this is unbearable today. I am aware of much of the reasoning about why I feel this bad...all about not ever forming bonds in the first place with my parents (except tormenting abusive ones) but...that doesn't help me knowing that on days like today
I won't drink. God only knows why not...but as much as cannot bear this, something deep within me needs to see it all clearly...finally. I have no idea why that feeling in me to remain sober - at all costs (and it is costing me) is so strong. But i am grateful for it. Thank you for listening...and apologies for the pessism...not my intention to make anyone else feel low x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 425
I wish I could hop across the pond and stop by for tea and just hang out for a while. You're not alone in being alone, LittleBear. I think we all are on some level. I truly admire your determination to stay sober in the face of this. Don't give up!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Hang in there Littlebear,
You made this decision for a good reason. Embrace it and adopt it to your new self.
When we sow new seeds, we cannot reap the harvest unless we have nurtured them for a time and allow them to grow. Caring for them and providing nourishment will enable them to become strong and productive. Continue to nourish yourself and your ideas.
You will grow strong and productive.
You made this decision for a good reason. Embrace it and adopt it to your new self.
When we sow new seeds, we cannot reap the harvest unless we have nurtured them for a time and allow them to grow. Caring for them and providing nourishment will enable them to become strong and productive. Continue to nourish yourself and your ideas.
You will grow strong and productive.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
I know it looks like a bleak world out there. It's not. You will learn that there are more people like you than not. You will find new friends. You will make a new life from the dust and ashes of your old one. And you will always have us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 32
Hi Littlebear! I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. Believe me, I can relate.
I am a successful business woman who is surrounded by my clients and employees all day yet I feel so lonely. I wish I had a friend to talk to. When you feel down it's so hard to get motivated to do something about it.
Maybe joining a gym or a hiking club? Do you have a pet? This spring I am going to start taking my dog to the dog park. Might be a good way to meet people? I certainly don't have the answers but these are some things I'm going to try.
I wish I could give you a big hug! Please know that you are not alone.
I am a successful business woman who is surrounded by my clients and employees all day yet I feel so lonely. I wish I had a friend to talk to. When you feel down it's so hard to get motivated to do something about it.
Maybe joining a gym or a hiking club? Do you have a pet? This spring I am going to start taking my dog to the dog park. Might be a good way to meet people? I certainly don't have the answers but these are some things I'm going to try.
I wish I could give you a big hug! Please know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Hi Littlebear, welcome! 
I'm new here also & the most important thing I think I can tell you, is to keep coming back here for support...morning, noon, night, middle of the night.
I have no local support either ( in fact, I'm living with a relapsed heroin addict. ). But, I keep coming back!
Congradulations on 28 days sober! That's really quite a feat!
I'm new here also & the most important thing I think I can tell you, is to keep coming back here for support...morning, noon, night, middle of the night.
I have no local support either ( in fact, I'm living with a relapsed heroin addict. ). But, I keep coming back!
Congradulations on 28 days sober! That's really quite a feat!
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
You have had some good advice and lovely posts on here. Hang on in there. I was watching a Madonna interview last night and someone asked her advice and said they had no relationships had had been lonely for 16 years. Her advice was. 'Don't look for company and it will happen - you never know what's around the corner which is exciting. I liked what she said. Hang onto hope and be who you are. Something good will happen xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 174
Hugs Littlebear! You are not alone! We are in the same age group, and wine was also my source of comfort over the past 25 years, a lot of it drinking by myself. I live alone, and although I do have kids, they are all grown now and live out of state. I am only a bit ahead of you in sobriety days (I'm at 49 today), so I totally get how you feel. What I have been trying to do is just keep occupied when I'm not at work. I've started going to the gym again, I'm trying to work in my yard more, go on walks, even go for a drive in my car, anything to keep my mind distracted during my down time. I have noticed my depression seems to lift more and more with each passing day and I am actually feeling more hopeful lately. I'm trying to think of the positives of not drinking too which include feeling so much better physically, not regretting stupid things I say and do when drunk, saving money, and just feeling like I don't have a ball and chain wrapped around my ankle because getting rid of those thoughts that I don't have to drink everyday is very freeing! Hang in there! You can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Thank you for your posts this afternoon. I am wishing I'd made a stand for sobriety a lot earlier than this. I know...I bet you're all saying ' if I had a penny for every time i've heard that one!''... There just feels so little time left for me...and what does one do facing the difficulties of giving up a life supported by consistently drinking - when there is no-one by your side...no-one even to argue with you about it all. It all feels so despairing and impossible.
I am really getting the vital difference between stopping drinking, and learning to live a sober life...how though when there aren't people around do you manage that? How?
...forgive the question...of course I know there are no answers. I am just very much off kilter...I've just eaten half a bar (of the HUGEST bar to begin with!) of Ritter Sport white chocolate with crispy bits...!! And me always always known for never having a sweet tooth all through my life...weird. You gotta laugh...Thanks to all that have kept some company with me today...I will be ok x
Don't misunderstand...I cope pretty well with aloneness and solo living. Always have done - cos I had to learn. But...this feels different....this feels barren territory. Isolation. There are moments that I can already see
I am really getting the vital difference between stopping drinking, and learning to live a sober life...how though when there aren't people around do you manage that? How?
...forgive the question...of course I know there are no answers. I am just very much off kilter...I've just eaten half a bar (of the HUGEST bar to begin with!) of Ritter Sport white chocolate with crispy bits...!! And me always always known for never having a sweet tooth all through my life...weird. You gotta laugh...Thanks to all that have kept some company with me today...I will be ok x
Don't misunderstand...I cope pretty well with aloneness and solo living. Always have done - cos I had to learn. But...this feels different....this feels barren territory. Isolation. There are moments that I can already see
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 73
Your story has many chapters to be written yet! You sound very bright, perhaps you could volunteer some time in evenings or weekends to tutoring kids with academic delays, or sponsoring an after school theater or sports team. I know how little time there is left after work, but too much leisure is a trigger for me. Build it and they will come. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Blindedsidedbetty thanks for suggestions. Unfortunately I don't think I have any real report with kids...I like them...just don't know how to be/talk with them, and kids being kids will spot that ... When I am ready, I have in mind to maybe try writing...I dabbled in it many years ago and seemed to get on quite well...and can feel a bit of an urge coming back. The only down side with that plan of course is....it's another solo activity...anyway that's for the near future...it's that you thought about what might help me that I like...
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