What Would You Be Doing If You Didn't Have THIS PROB Taking Up So Much Time & Energy?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
What Would You Be Doing If You Didn't Have THIS PROB Taking Up So Much Time & Energy?
In an Alanon meeting, someone said that when you start focusing on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you often find a void.
I know that is true because the alcoholic takes up so much time and energy, that I would really have to regroup to focus on me.
So much time has been "wasted" . . .
I have lots of hobbies and interests and I would really like to find out what it would feel like NOT to have this problem taking up so much of my time and energy.
How do you imagine it might be for you?
Is it something you can see yourself creating for yourself?
I am dying to live in peace and to accomplish some fun projects.
I know that is true because the alcoholic takes up so much time and energy, that I would really have to regroup to focus on me.
So much time has been "wasted" . . .
I have lots of hobbies and interests and I would really like to find out what it would feel like NOT to have this problem taking up so much of my time and energy.
How do you imagine it might be for you?
Is it something you can see yourself creating for yourself?
I am dying to live in peace and to accomplish some fun projects.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
Since the alcoholics in my life go way back, had they not been there, I would have gotten more education in a field I am better suited for and hopefully would be employed in a meaningful position. I would have married well and traveled more. I would have focused more on art and writing.
I still could do some of these things, but I am getting older, have a few health issues and lack energy and perseverance to accomplish much beyond my part-time job, keeping house, shopping and making meals for us and taking care of my furbaby.
I go to Al Anon, church, and produce a monthly newsletter as a volunteer for a non-profit. I also jam with a folk music group on a monthly basis. So there's two artistic vehicles, right?
I still could do some of these things, but I am getting older, have a few health issues and lack energy and perseverance to accomplish much beyond my part-time job, keeping house, shopping and making meals for us and taking care of my furbaby.
I go to Al Anon, church, and produce a monthly newsletter as a volunteer for a non-profit. I also jam with a folk music group on a monthly basis. So there's two artistic vehicles, right?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
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You are doing a lot - and it is nice to have the artistic expression.
I have a work project I need to get done and then when I finish it I can start remodeling my house, planning a trip, doing some art projects, writing local history (a passion), and hopefully spending time with new friends. I am an introvert and have let a lot of family and friends go, so I don't know if I will be able to meet more people I resonate with, or not - but one can hope.
I just know the constant trauma and drama of the last three plus years has put a lot of stuff on hold. I don't have more time to waste and really want to find a way not to let other people's chaos have such a center stage in my life.
I don't ever seem prepared for the next crisis. I guess that is just the way it is - but I don't want it to be that way.
I have a work project I need to get done and then when I finish it I can start remodeling my house, planning a trip, doing some art projects, writing local history (a passion), and hopefully spending time with new friends. I am an introvert and have let a lot of family and friends go, so I don't know if I will be able to meet more people I resonate with, or not - but one can hope.
I just know the constant trauma and drama of the last three plus years has put a lot of stuff on hold. I don't have more time to waste and really want to find a way not to let other people's chaos have such a center stage in my life.
I don't ever seem prepared for the next crisis. I guess that is just the way it is - but I don't want it to be that way.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, my....well, I suppose I can use the early days with my stepson in this case. He decided crack would be fun to try, and turned into a threatening, evil man. Mr. Seren and I spent a lot of time just protecting ourselves, changing locks, changing alarm codes, constantly on guard--it was a scary time.
It brought all the work I was doing toward my graduate research to a grinding halt. I was really in trouble with my advisor during this time.
Honestly, though, for me, this delay in my work was nothing compared to my own later health concerns and probably did not delay things more than my other life events. I did turn to one of my first loves as a means of relaxing when all the crack craziness was in swing--knitting and crocheting! Sadly, that is about as artistic as I'm capable of being
It brought all the work I was doing toward my graduate research to a grinding halt. I was really in trouble with my advisor during this time.
Honestly, though, for me, this delay in my work was nothing compared to my own later health concerns and probably did not delay things more than my other life events. I did turn to one of my first loves as a means of relaxing when all the crack craziness was in swing--knitting and crocheting! Sadly, that is about as artistic as I'm capable of being
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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Once I let go of trying to control anyone by myself, I've spent lots of my free time enjoying the things that I love most about life - hiking, kayaking, gardening, swimming, reading, long walks on the beach looking for shells and sea glass.
I also used what I've learned to challenge myself. I realized that it was easier for me to judge how well my loved ones with addictions were working their recovery than it was to work mine. I decided it was important for me to get outside my comfort zone, so little by little I challenge myself to try new things. I took up running at 50 and liked it so much that I now have 2 marathons, several half's and lots of smaller races under my belt - a great way to stay healthy, raise money for charities and make sure I don't isolate. I've explored meditation and love yoga. I devote time to volunteer work.
I don't think I would have the energy to explore these things if I hadn't made a crucial shift in my thinking - if I hadn't let go of what I couldn't control, embrace a belief in what can be, what is possible and what I am grateful for, rather than past pain and sorrow. it's worked for me.
I also used what I've learned to challenge myself. I realized that it was easier for me to judge how well my loved ones with addictions were working their recovery than it was to work mine. I decided it was important for me to get outside my comfort zone, so little by little I challenge myself to try new things. I took up running at 50 and liked it so much that I now have 2 marathons, several half's and lots of smaller races under my belt - a great way to stay healthy, raise money for charities and make sure I don't isolate. I've explored meditation and love yoga. I devote time to volunteer work.
I don't think I would have the energy to explore these things if I hadn't made a crucial shift in my thinking - if I hadn't let go of what I couldn't control, embrace a belief in what can be, what is possible and what I am grateful for, rather than past pain and sorrow. it's worked for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I did not finish my Ph.D. due to the distractions, but that's okay - not blaming - lots of anxiety created health problems (and continues to threaten health) - the roller coaster of hope/despair takes its toll. And of course this is not the only problem in life - dealt with my parents sicknesses and deaths and lots of other life issues.
My family has been destroyed around this problem and that has been hard (no holidays, birthdays, etc.) - So trying to cope and find a life while still addressing this problem.
It does make me angry when I think that they have no clue the damage that is wrought around them from their disease - there is no way they could EVER know how people who love them are affected. I don't blame them AND it still makes me angry when I think about it.
They should all go live on an island together! Ha!
Anyway . . . I pray I can get some serenity back and will somehow be able to create a peaceful life for myself - and I wish the same for others in the same boat.
My family has been destroyed around this problem and that has been hard (no holidays, birthdays, etc.) - So trying to cope and find a life while still addressing this problem.
It does make me angry when I think that they have no clue the damage that is wrought around them from their disease - there is no way they could EVER know how people who love them are affected. I don't blame them AND it still makes me angry when I think about it.
They should all go live on an island together! Ha!
Anyway . . . I pray I can get some serenity back and will somehow be able to create a peaceful life for myself - and I wish the same for others in the same boat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
greeteachday - I would like to volunteer - I've tried a few different things, but have not found a passion in that area.
Excellent that you took up running. That gives you so many opportunities to get out there and interact with others, as you said.
Excellent that you took up running. That gives you so many opportunities to get out there and interact with others, as you said.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Two weeks ago...my answer would have been very different...as I was spending my time on a job search that had lasted 5 1/2 months and my mental health with a therapist and my first medication overhaul in 20 years since I first started seeing my doctor after the death of a child and the drug use of my oldest.
This last week was called to an accounting consulting engagement and on top of enjoying work...found that the colleague I am working with (also at the ending part of his career)--is well read, had so many stories about his family genealogy--love genealogy (from the past 12 years which was the first time in life I had the time to dig into this interest from childhood) and history of the US (he is from Tennesse and I learned so much about the history of Tennessee which is very interesting to me)--World War II suggested readings (I love to learn about this) and the Civil War.
It was an amazing week--very fast and am exhausted...but so fulfilling and as I rest today...just so grateful for being back in interesting and intelligent and relational company...my family hasn't changed...the issues haven't changed...there haven't been any family holiday gatherings except for last Thanksgiving since 2011 and don't appear to have anyone who desires it...so I will not be the matriarch my mother has been for over 60 years...over the Holiday meals and get togethers...she doesn't invite me and my daughters (at least one) go as she does them. However, I know that the 3 C's apply...so will definitely have holiday plans this year that please me.
Was surrounded by addicts from the time I was born...didn't know it but it had ramifications...however, I am grateful for now...grateful that having done work 20 years ago I was able to identify geneology, history, and antiquing and treasure hunting in addition to reading and music as good things for me.
This last week was called to an accounting consulting engagement and on top of enjoying work...found that the colleague I am working with (also at the ending part of his career)--is well read, had so many stories about his family genealogy--love genealogy (from the past 12 years which was the first time in life I had the time to dig into this interest from childhood) and history of the US (he is from Tennesse and I learned so much about the history of Tennessee which is very interesting to me)--World War II suggested readings (I love to learn about this) and the Civil War.
It was an amazing week--very fast and am exhausted...but so fulfilling and as I rest today...just so grateful for being back in interesting and intelligent and relational company...my family hasn't changed...the issues haven't changed...there haven't been any family holiday gatherings except for last Thanksgiving since 2011 and don't appear to have anyone who desires it...so I will not be the matriarch my mother has been for over 60 years...over the Holiday meals and get togethers...she doesn't invite me and my daughters (at least one) go as she does them. However, I know that the 3 C's apply...so will definitely have holiday plans this year that please me.
Was surrounded by addicts from the time I was born...didn't know it but it had ramifications...however, I am grateful for now...grateful that having done work 20 years ago I was able to identify geneology, history, and antiquing and treasure hunting in addition to reading and music as good things for me.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I'm exhausted every single day. I have a 5mo old with AH so I'm taking care of the baby AND AH...who doesn't work & hasn't in forever, & is often too "tired" or lazy to help out.
I think I've just learned to suck it up & operate on too little sleep with no support. That's not the way things SHOULD be, but it's the way things ARE.
And really, what can you do about that when you're the sole provider? It sucks but it is what it is...
I think I've just learned to suck it up & operate on too little sleep with no support. That's not the way things SHOULD be, but it's the way things ARE.
And really, what can you do about that when you're the sole provider? It sucks but it is what it is...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"What Would You Be Doing If You Didn't Have THIS PROB Taking Up So Much Time & Energy?"
Several years back, my RAD asked me what I'd do when I was done helping her get straight. If there ever was a screaming red flag I was too wrapped up in her world, that was it!!!
Several years back, my RAD asked me what I'd do when I was done helping her get straight. If there ever was a screaming red flag I was too wrapped up in her world, that was it!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
What saved my sanity was continuing to do what I was doing, even if it meant a few steps back sometimes, I just kept going on with what I needed to do for myself and the rest of my family. Somehow I got my PhD while in the drama/trauma of my RAD's teen years and her addiction issues. Something in me felt it would be a betrayal of myself to stop working towards it. Oh, there was a year off in there while I was dealing with her and working full time and getting a divorce, but I got back on track...I am not bragging at all, so I hope it doesn't sound like that...I just decided I could not disappear into her addiction so I held on for dear life to things that mattered to me, always hoping she'd have what it takes to heal and come back to us.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
My son always says I need to "pay attention to my own life". I understand where he's coming from but I also live with him and often work with him so it's not as easy as it sounds. He knows I'm on here a lot, and that I've learned so much. He is in therapy and is doing what they recommend, but I want more.
And yes, utterly exhausted. Thank god I don't have any little ones.
And yes, utterly exhausted. Thank god I don't have any little ones.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks Seek, this was a great question for me. Ive never been asked that before and it made me really think about it.
It was only this afternoon I asked myself why I felt sickly and tired all the time and its because I am a born 'worrywart'. Not as bad as I use to be but my son is living on the streets with 'ice' here in Australia.
It frightens me to tears and I have spent so much time in my life worrying about other family members instead of me.
Its something I really need to learn to do. Live my own life.
Love to you all.
It was only this afternoon I asked myself why I felt sickly and tired all the time and its because I am a born 'worrywart'. Not as bad as I use to be but my son is living on the streets with 'ice' here in Australia.
It frightens me to tears and I have spent so much time in my life worrying about other family members instead of me.
Its something I really need to learn to do. Live my own life.
Love to you all.
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