Living in a Lifetime Movie

Old 03-14-2015, 06:45 PM
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Living in a Lifetime Movie

Yes that's where I feel we have landed this week. AH's drinking has been escalating between failed attempts to quit on his own. He left the house in a rage Monday night after some stupid but heated argument. Something in me calmly clicked and said 'get out with the kids before he comes back'. So I did. Well he came home to find us gone and flipped out. Calling, texting, etc. I turned off my phone and went to bed (we were at a girlfriends house where I knew he wouldn't find us).

I went back to the house Tuesday morning alone to see if we could talk. He came out of the house and started raging at me in the driveway at 7am. Tried to make me stay, take my keys, etc. I gave him my car key to placate him but had another one on my keychain (I learned a few good tricks here) Cops got called by neighbors, I managed to escape in the car before they arrived while he was distracted. They called me and told me to come back.

I came back and after them trying to talk with us and him being a total belligerent idiot he was cuffed and put in the car. They walked me into my house with a camera and took pictures of the destruction he caused - smashed my kitchen pendant lights, dining room drop light, granite counter, cherry cabinet door ripped off, smashed the sidelight on my front door. I was told to pack for a couple days and find somewhere safe until he went to court.

He was charged with Disorderly Conduct and the courts placed a no contact protective order on me (kids were not present and he didn't threaten them). He was released on a promise to appear and thankfully after two days of sleeping on his friends couch he opted to enter rehab out of state. DCF was contacted and came to the house to interview me and the kids which made me feel a bit like a criminal myself. Although I actually did the right things to protect my kids and have already reached out for support through their school and Al-Ateen.

Honestly I could see all this coming on over the past couple months - I knew it was just a matter of time before he snapped. SR helped me know when to leave, where to go and what to take. He was on a train that just couldn't stop and all I could do was get me and the kids out of the way. It could have been so much worse - nobody was physically hurt, he didn't kill someone driving, my kids didn't have to witness the anger or see their dad get arrested. I even managed with help to clean the house up of all the glass, broken stuff, etc before bringing them back home.

In addition to SR, Al-Anon has been a lifesaver. I know that night my HP was the voice that whispered to me to leave and I didn't hesitate. I'm working on getting through each day, taking care of my kids and myself. I love my husband and have since I was 17 - I'm 47. I don't know where any of this is going and I have to be ok with that for now. I do know that the crazy man who did all those things isn't the man I love. I don't know if the man I love is still in there and can find his way back out but I do know I can't live with the man I ran from that morning.

So...yeah that's my Lifetime Movie of the week.
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:50 PM
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So sorry you have had to go through all this, but totally proud of how you have handled it. He will have to find his own path, but you are doing what is best for you and the kids.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:59 PM
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I'm also really sorry you had to go through all that but I am very impressed with how you handled things, protected your kids and kept your wits about you. Stay strong! (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-14-2015, 07:00 PM
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Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I am sure others will be encouraged by your story.
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Old 03-15-2015, 03:48 AM
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You acted with courage and decision. I hope the rehab gives you both breathing space. I bet he's feeling pretty remorseful right now.

The police really know their stuff it seems. Great that you could find support and protection.
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Old 03-15-2015, 04:04 AM
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I'm so grateful that you trusted that voice in your head that said "get out, now!" and that you and your children are OK.

Thank you so much for sharing your story about having a plan and trusting your instincts and your HP. I think you may have just saved a life or two today!
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Old 03-15-2015, 04:31 AM
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It wasn't until after the dust settled (well somewhat) that I realized how much my HP has been with not just me but all four of us. And if it weren't for Al-Anon I don't think I'd know it at all.

The kids and I had a peaceful Saturday - something that isn't usually the case here. We accomplished a few things around the house, ran some errands and used gift cards to go out for a belated birthday dinner (yes Wednesday was mine...not a stellar one for sure). We had a couple serious conversation moments and quite a bit of silly laughter as well. I got them a prepaid phone so their dad can call them since he can't call my cell or the house. Just a little flip phone but they were very excited about it.

At bedtime I hugged them both tight and told them that I had a really nice day with them. Yes my husband is an alcoholic and has caused himself and us a lot of anguish, sorrow, financial distress and now public embarrassment - but the fact that I have been able to find my HP and recognize moments of joy and peace despite it all are priceless.

Thank you all for being here. Never in my scariest nightmares did I think we would be going through this. By reading others stories it helped me know what 'could' happen and to be prepared while still holding on to some hope that AH can find his way.
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Old 03-15-2015, 04:53 AM
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I'm so glad you and the kids are safe. I'd suggest, unless the police put you in touch with one already, connecting with a domestic violence advocate. They have a lot of support and resources to help with the aftermath of this, and also to help you going forward. I hope that your husband gets sober--for everyone's sake, including his own--but the violence is a separate issue, and I hope the court requires him to undergo a batterers' intervention program, as well.

Hugs, good job, mom!
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Old 03-15-2015, 05:56 AM
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You are a hero! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

May God bless you and keep you all.
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Old 03-15-2015, 08:23 AM
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Thanks Lexie for the advice - I know your background in this field and know how helpful you've been here on SR.

The police gave me a slip of paper for the Office of Victim Services. I contacted them before he saw the judge and based on the discussions we had the protective order was issued and he was court ordered to at least enter an outpatient treatment program as well as to stay sober and be subjected to random testing. I have to meet with the social worker at Family Services for the county court on March 24th. I'm not sure what the court intends in reference to his anger issues but for me some kind of anger management is a must that he pursue in addition to sobriety. I'm sure this is some of what will be discussed at the meeting.

I'm not currently pursuing a divorce but am not sure if I should still seek advice from an attorney right now. As it's Sunday I guess I don't need to figure out that today.

Thank you all again and I do hope that my sharing gives at least one other person the strength to listen to and trust their inner voice as well as have an emergency plan that can be executed quickly and quietly.
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Old 03-15-2015, 08:31 AM
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One thing--you do NOT want to ask for "anger management." Batterers' intervention is different. Abusers are generally able to manage their anger pretty well (although your guy was flipping out even when the cops got there, presumably he wasn't attacking them). They feel entitled to behave the way they do when you aren't pleasing them.

I'm glad you've made contact with Victim Services--I recommend you take advantage of any resources you think might be helpful. I really appreciate the work that dedicated advocates do, and I'm also pleased to hear that it sounds like the police handled things well.
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Old 03-15-2015, 09:21 AM
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BTDT-I have to agree that your statement about "I don't know if the man I love is still in there-all I know I can't live with the man I ran from", something to that effect, is spot on. I too got the heck out and am thankful God gave me the courage to do so. You abd your kids deserve so much better. Kudos to you for doing the right thing.
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