ShowMeGirl

My husband is mad at me and doesn't want to talk about it --which is fine. But I guess I would like to know if I was completely out of line and owe him an apology. We have been married 18 years, and he started "compulsive drinking" roughly 11 years ago. The last two years have been the worst. The recent history is that on Valentine's Day, he agreed to try AA and said he would do 90 meetings in 90 days (his choice). He made it 20 days, and bought it on the way home from his second meeting that day. He drank that night, and the next morning (last weekend), and he told no one. He has been to five groups since then, and last night I said that it really bothered me that he was not being honest --in group or with his sponsor. So now I have ruined his recovery. He is never going back. . .

Does letting him "own" his recovery mean I make no comments and have no opininions? If I was out if line, I will apologize. I don't know much about AA, but honesty seems like a big deal and it just makes no sense to me to say you are doing a program if no one really knows what is going on in your life. Does everyone lie? Is it no big deal? Or is he just using this as an excuse to not return?

I'm tired, and having a hard time trusting my own judgment right now :-(

suki44883

Sounds to me like he is using it as an excuse not to return, not that he kept his word on doing the 90 meetings in 90 days anyway. Rest assured you have not ruined his recovery.

It's a fine line to walk, in your case. Yes, you are allowed your opinions, but as you have discovered, voicing them just gives them ammunition to say it's your fault they can't recover. Don't buy into that. If he truly wants recovery, he will seek it out and give it his best shot. Sounds to me like he's just playing games.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))

ladyscribbler

So now I have ruined his recovery. He is never going back. . .


He's the one making that choice. You didn't buy alcohol and pour it in his mouth.

Or is he just using this as an excuse to not return?

Yes. He's your husband, you're allowed to discuss issues in your marriage, and honesty is a big one. If he wasn't ready to have that discussion, he could have told you. Instead he seized on it as an excuse to continue his drinking (since he had already relapsed at that point). None of this is your fault. More like a sad testament to the power of addiction.
Have you tried Alanon meetings yet? Just because he has abandoned his recovery efforts for now doesn't mean you have to suffer in silence without any support.
Sounds like he wasn't ready to quit yet.

LexieCat

It probably wasn't a great idea to confront him on his lack of honesty with others, but I'm not sure I would have been able to keep my mouth shut on that, either. Which still doesn't mean it was the right thing to do, but it IS understandable.

You didn't "ruin" anything, though. It isn't like you went to his meeting and made an announcement that he is still drinking (which would have been WAYYY out of line and over-the-top, but still not something that would "ruin" someone else's recovery).

I think lady scribbler is right--doesn't sound like he's ready to stop. I don't know that you need to apologize. Maybe it wasn't a great idea to offer suggestions on his recovery, but it sounds like you didn't berate him, but rather pointed out something he should have seen for himself.

NWGRITS

Welcome! Have you read the stickies at the top of the page yet? There's a wealth of information on alcoholism and how we as friends & family can help ourselves while the A spins out of control. Lies, manipulation, verbal, and emotional abuse are all par for the course when dealing with an A. One of the first steps is to know the 3 C's: You didn't CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

You're in good hands here. Keep reading and asking questions. We're here to help!

FeelingGreat

He's probably annoyed at himself for drinking again, and is avoiding all discussion because he'd have to face up to the fact that he didn't make it. What he tells the group and sponsor is his business, but you would be within your rights to say his relapse bothered you. If you feel you should apologise, consider telling him how you feel rather than what he should be doing.
As a sober A, my experience is it's easy to make promises to ourselves and others, but very hard to stop drinking. He's made a serious attempt, and it's proved too hard for him. He's taken a convenient excuse to abandon his recovery efforts, but nothing you said caused that. For whatever reason, he wants to give up.

redatlanta

His recovery is his recovery. Your marriage is both of yours. Whether he was truthful in group I would say is none of your business. Whether he was truthful with you or whether you want to live with an active or recovering alcoholic is every inch your business.

atalose

Sounds like he managed to go about 2 weeks of not drinking and making his way to meetings. But it appears he is not ready to fully committ to his life long recovery and has turned that decision on you with blame.

Alcoholics lie and blame that's how the addiction stays alive.

Glad you found SR and maybe you can find al-anon meetings for you.

We become conditioned to so many unhealthy ways of life when we've been dealing with someones active drinking that we don't even realize how unhealthy we have become.

Al-non helped me see my own reactions to their drinking were not benefiting me in any way shape or form. And once I was able to react in healthier ways my life became more manageable.

maia1234

Welcome,
Good for you for reaching out to people who have "been" there. No you did nothing wrong, but as above, HIS recovery is really NONE of your business. As your recovery (alanon) is none of his. You need to keep reading and hit an alanon meeting. Minding his business all these years has gotten you no where. Work on your "stuff" and mind your business and let him take responsibility for his actions. (not being mean, just stating)

Read newcomer to Recovery. See how the newbies struggle with sobriety. Everyday they post how depressed they are that they failed. See how often they fall before they finally "make" it. Be happy that he even wanted to get some help. (I would kill to have my X even think about getting sober) Having compassion for there struggles is hard, after all they have done to "you". But once again, educate yourself and don't let him blame you for anything!!