A step back
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
A step back
Tried to keep busy this week, had lots of arrangements and very little time to myself. I went out last night to my friends daughters engagement party, didn't drink remembering the last time I did and I became emotional. I had decided that as I was emotional anyway staying away from drink was a good idea. I need up becoming emotional anyway!! It was all happy couples at at the party, initially I didn't feel so bad as I was with a friend but then her partner showed up.
I just felt so lonely, kept thinking why couldnt I have A happy loving marriage, oh yeah coz he would rather drink! Everyone kept saying I looked lovely, I didn't feel it, it was the mask I seem to always wear, and that I will meet someone who will treat me well the way I deserve to be treated!! I don't want to meet anyone!!! I know they were trying to be supportive but I just felt lonely, so I left early home by 11pm went to bed and cried.
Sad lonely and angry that he couldn't be the husband I wanted, that he behaved so selfishly throughout our marriage. I know him going NC has been a gift, I tried so many times to do it and couldn't but it also hurts, that I mean so little to him. My thoughts are all over the place and back to the why and how and thinking about everything he told me, how he felt about me. I know they mean nothing, he may feel that way but his addiction his stronger and nothing will get in his way to drink. I HATE ALCOHOLISM!!!!!
I hate that I let it destroy my life that I couldn't see it that I believed his words and ignored his actions and believed what he said. I didn't want to look at his actions I wanted to believe that he loved me so much he wouldn't let it destroy us, I didn't want to listen to my gut, I didn't trust it. I HATE MYSELF!!
I hate that I miss him, that I love him and that I still think of all the kind loving loving words he has said to me even after he left. I hate that I'm in a time of my life where I should be settled and happy and my life is in chaos.
Major step backwards sorry folks.
I just felt so lonely, kept thinking why couldnt I have A happy loving marriage, oh yeah coz he would rather drink! Everyone kept saying I looked lovely, I didn't feel it, it was the mask I seem to always wear, and that I will meet someone who will treat me well the way I deserve to be treated!! I don't want to meet anyone!!! I know they were trying to be supportive but I just felt lonely, so I left early home by 11pm went to bed and cried.
Sad lonely and angry that he couldn't be the husband I wanted, that he behaved so selfishly throughout our marriage. I know him going NC has been a gift, I tried so many times to do it and couldn't but it also hurts, that I mean so little to him. My thoughts are all over the place and back to the why and how and thinking about everything he told me, how he felt about me. I know they mean nothing, he may feel that way but his addiction his stronger and nothing will get in his way to drink. I HATE ALCOHOLISM!!!!!
I hate that I let it destroy my life that I couldn't see it that I believed his words and ignored his actions and believed what he said. I didn't want to look at his actions I wanted to believe that he loved me so much he wouldn't let it destroy us, I didn't want to listen to my gut, I didn't trust it. I HATE MYSELF!!
I hate that I miss him, that I love him and that I still think of all the kind loving loving words he has said to me even after he left. I hate that I'm in a time of my life where I should be settled and happy and my life is in chaos.
Major step backwards sorry folks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
To the beach and a good screaming session Butterfly.
You are simply letting the anger and sadness up and out.
I don't see that as a major step backwards if you don't let it be.
Go release it in Nature. It's the weekend and make time.
Walk until your worn out, bring a box of tissues in the car, and really let it go.
The sea won't mind. She'll listen and respond.
You have quite a lot of grief and anger to process.
That's normal.
Nothing at all wrong with you, or your grief.
You are really finally beginning to accept that this is the reality,
so of course it hurts.
Like a wound that needs lancing and squeezing before it can crust over
and finally, really heal. (Sorry to be so graphic, but you get my point)
Hugs on your progress. Mountains take awhile to climb my dear.
You are simply letting the anger and sadness up and out.
I don't see that as a major step backwards if you don't let it be.
Go release it in Nature. It's the weekend and make time.
Walk until your worn out, bring a box of tissues in the car, and really let it go.
The sea won't mind. She'll listen and respond.
You have quite a lot of grief and anger to process.
That's normal.
Nothing at all wrong with you, or your grief.
You are really finally beginning to accept that this is the reality,
so of course it hurts.
Like a wound that needs lancing and squeezing before it can crust over
and finally, really heal. (Sorry to be so graphic, but you get my point)
Hugs on your progress. Mountains take awhile to climb my dear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Butterfly,
I actually see this as a step forward. Your wording is different. You are starting to take all of the blame off of yourself, and you are beginning to see how he really is.
I see this as you coming to acceptance. There might be a little bit of denial in there still, but I do think you are doing a lot better.
Now where you are saying that he couldn't be the husband that you wanted. Think about that one. I realized when I thought about that, in the end my bar was so low, that I just wanted him to treat me like I existed, like I was a human being, like I meant something to him. That he would stop disappearing on me, that he would not call me names. That is how low my bar got. At that point I couldn't even imagine him being loving, I just wanted to be treated like I existed. That is no way to live.
I also realized that yes, I was grieving the life that I thought I should have. I thought at the age of 55 with the children in college, about to start their own lives, get married, have children, that we would be empty nesters, that we would be going places together, looking forward to grandchildren to spoil. We can still do that, but not with them. That was when he started disappearing more and more. He was never going to be there for me.
Thank you for your post. What you wrote is how I felt, but yet wasn't able to express it as well as you do.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I actually see this as a step forward. Your wording is different. You are starting to take all of the blame off of yourself, and you are beginning to see how he really is.
I see this as you coming to acceptance. There might be a little bit of denial in there still, but I do think you are doing a lot better.
Now where you are saying that he couldn't be the husband that you wanted. Think about that one. I realized when I thought about that, in the end my bar was so low, that I just wanted him to treat me like I existed, like I was a human being, like I meant something to him. That he would stop disappearing on me, that he would not call me names. That is how low my bar got. At that point I couldn't even imagine him being loving, I just wanted to be treated like I existed. That is no way to live.
I also realized that yes, I was grieving the life that I thought I should have. I thought at the age of 55 with the children in college, about to start their own lives, get married, have children, that we would be empty nesters, that we would be going places together, looking forward to grandchildren to spoil. We can still do that, but not with them. That was when he started disappearing more and more. He was never going to be there for me.
Thank you for your post. What you wrote is how I felt, but yet wasn't able to express it as well as you do.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The chaos is temporary, and so are your feelings. You felt better earlier in the week, right?
Try not to compare other people's outsides to your insides. Other people have problems, too. Maybe the folks last night didn't have this particular one, but nobody has a perfect life. I know it feels sometimes like yours are the hugest in the world, but they aren't.
And there is NO call for you to hate yourself. You're a terrific person, who has managed to get through a very difficult time. As Hawkeye said, you're still healing from that. It will take a while before you've finished healing.
You have LOTS of your life left to enjoy. And you WILL find joy in it again. My hope is that you first find a way to love and enjoy your own company. You don't NEED a partner to be a complete and happy person in you own right. You're used to thinking of yourself as half of a couple. But wouldn't it be awesome to be a person who is self-sufficient, and meet someone who admires you for who you ARE, rather than attracting another broken person?
Work on just BEING for now. It's OK to feel pain, but if you let it wash over you instead of fighting it, it will pass more quickly. And with it, the fear will start to subside.
You're a stronger cookie than you give yourself credit for.
Try not to compare other people's outsides to your insides. Other people have problems, too. Maybe the folks last night didn't have this particular one, but nobody has a perfect life. I know it feels sometimes like yours are the hugest in the world, but they aren't.
And there is NO call for you to hate yourself. You're a terrific person, who has managed to get through a very difficult time. As Hawkeye said, you're still healing from that. It will take a while before you've finished healing.
You have LOTS of your life left to enjoy. And you WILL find joy in it again. My hope is that you first find a way to love and enjoy your own company. You don't NEED a partner to be a complete and happy person in you own right. You're used to thinking of yourself as half of a couple. But wouldn't it be awesome to be a person who is self-sufficient, and meet someone who admires you for who you ARE, rather than attracting another broken person?
Work on just BEING for now. It's OK to feel pain, but if you let it wash over you instead of fighting it, it will pass more quickly. And with it, the fear will start to subside.
You're a stronger cookie than you give yourself credit for.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Butterfly you don't know what goes on in other people's lives, regardless of how things look. I have no doubt that while you and your XAH were together and you were working double time to try to keep up appearances (which most of us did for longer than it would have been good for us), you probably looked like the happy couple to others long, long after you knew that you were not. So while you see "happy families" in front of you, remind yourself that you really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks amy and lexie
Amy, denial? Yes I suppose there is, denial that this is really the life he wants, that he wouldn't let it destroy us?? Still hoping he won't??
I thought my expectations were too high but they weren't they were normal. I wanted a husband to love me, treat me with respect, acknowledge that my thoughts and feelings were real, not unreasonable and not just when he was feeling remorseful. I wanted a husband who thought more of me, our family, our future and dreams than his next drink. I wanted him to value me. I don't think these are expectations that are too high but for him they were.
Lexie, I definitely do not want to be with anyone, there have been times when I think I need to be with someone, I need to be loved but that's my insecurities of not being good enough or loved and needing someone to validate me. I need to learn as you say love myself. I think some of my friends think if I find someone else I will be happy and that will make me feel better, I know they are trying to help but it's not what I want. I need time to be by myself.
Amy, denial? Yes I suppose there is, denial that this is really the life he wants, that he wouldn't let it destroy us?? Still hoping he won't??
I thought my expectations were too high but they weren't they were normal. I wanted a husband to love me, treat me with respect, acknowledge that my thoughts and feelings were real, not unreasonable and not just when he was feeling remorseful. I wanted a husband who thought more of me, our family, our future and dreams than his next drink. I wanted him to value me. I don't think these are expectations that are too high but for him they were.
Lexie, I definitely do not want to be with anyone, there have been times when I think I need to be with someone, I need to be loved but that's my insecurities of not being good enough or loved and needing someone to validate me. I need to learn as you say love myself. I think some of my friends think if I find someone else I will be happy and that will make me feel better, I know they are trying to help but it's not what I want. I need time to be by myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It's such an odd thing to think that as we get older out life chapters close and there aren't future ones. It is true that some things close and pass but life doesn't end and just because something didn't work out the way we planned.
I see my parents at 80 and 76 sick and just moved into independent living. For them I am seeing excitement because it is a new adventure. It's wonderful to know that there really is no point in my life that something can't be new and exciting. I'm not denying that the journey isn't painful because change is highly uncomfortable for most people.
It's too soon for you to be dating you are still grieving. Your anger is good it means you are working through it. Wishing you peace bad day today good day tomorrow. Soon enough will be more good than bad then just all good as XAH is moved to that class of folks of "someone you just used to know".
I see my parents at 80 and 76 sick and just moved into independent living. For them I am seeing excitement because it is a new adventure. It's wonderful to know that there really is no point in my life that something can't be new and exciting. I'm not denying that the journey isn't painful because change is highly uncomfortable for most people.
It's too soon for you to be dating you are still grieving. Your anger is good it means you are working through it. Wishing you peace bad day today good day tomorrow. Soon enough will be more good than bad then just all good as XAH is moved to that class of folks of "someone you just used to know".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Remember, this is temporary, your feelings will pass and life will begin to fill up the gap left by the alcoholic. It's not a good idea to compare your insides with other people's outsides, i.g., "happy couples". For me the quickest way out of the self-pity was being of service to others worse off than me.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Life just sucks sometimes you know. It's so difficult to get through some days I honestly feel like giving up and just this will be my life!!
I am emotionally exhausted!!!!
I am emotionally exhausted!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Life just sucks sometimes you know. It's so difficult to get through some days I honestly feel like giving up and just this will be my life!!
I am emotionally exhausted!!!!
I am emotionally exhausted!!!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
If only lexie, my parents are coming for dinner, it's Mother's Day. It takes all my energy not to,lose the plot with them. This is one couple who should have divorced many many years ago, they can't stand each other. My dad is one of these people who is always right and everyone else is wrong!! So tomorrow will be fun!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
Wow!! i dont know your story but your feeling exactly the way i have been feeling lately. word for word. i have been divorced for a year. i am still not quite sure WTF happened. for me the straw that broke the camels back was he hooked up with a married hood rat right after we separated for the upteenth time. he used to tell me that it wasnt cheating on me because we "broke up", i used to tell him we were married not dating in high school and there was not "broke up" in marriage. i found out 3.5 years ago that he cheated on me 3 times before, every single time we separated ironically. this time i just couldnt handle it this time, especially when she thought it was amusing to call me and tell me "he doesnt want you" and "he is mine now" and "you didnt respect him" etc etc... what actually got me was he was letting her talk to me that way, saying these things to hurt me because he wanted to hurt me, telling me these cruel and hateful things while he sat right next to her.
but sometimes i wonder. i know i could have "fought her" for him. i know he would probably be here with me now if i lowered my morals and values yet again. i didnt and still dont really understand alcoholism. but from what i have been reading, it sounds a lot like my life with him. God i loved him so much. i feel he also loved me, probably more then he has ever loved anybody but the drink was more important. i remember thinking that same way, if he really loved me, he would stop. how could he put his drinking over me and the kids. Sad thing is, i would have stayed with him if he would have stayed faithful. i knew he was struggling with it, and it caused him pain every time he let me down. i actually had stopped making a big deal out if it in the end but he still left me. and it hurts so much to be disguarded, forgotten and devalued. so easily replacable by some b*tch that belongs to another man and doesnt even take care of her own kids. but she drinks with him, and lets him drink, and i am sure she doesnt put any pressure on him to get better or to be responsible. *sigh*
i have been feeling every word you just wrote. i am guessing it is normal. i am 46, i shouldnt be having to start all over, i shouldnt be worried that i am going to lose everything i worked so hard to have, i shouldnt be struggling to pay the bills and feed these boys. sometimes i miss him so much. other times i wish him dead. i HATE HATE HATE the fact that this b*tch has him. homewreckers should not be allowed to be happy. but then he let her wreck our marriage. and he helped her. so i (we) werent all that important to him in the first place, huh.
the pain seems like it is never going to end. i also dont see myself with someone else. for one, all the "GOOD" guys my age are already taken, what is left over nobody wants. i live in a small rural town, unless some great wonderful honest trustworthy man dropps out of the sky and lands at my feet, i doubt i will get attached to another man for the rest of my life. that being said, i havent had to address the issue i now have with trusting a man to be who he says he is and not be hiding some secret. i mean if you cant trust your husband who the f*c k can you trust? i never knew of people so malicious, so selfish, so evil that they would do these things to the people who love them. grant it i guess i was naive and i have wonderful parents and relatives. i never thought, never imagined my husband would walk away and wipe his hands of me and his kids. like you, i did not initiate the NC, he did because i just couldnt stand not talking to him, not seeing him. it hurt way more then actually talking and seeing him did. i know i should be grateful that he is out of our lives, that we dont have to deal with the crazy he and his hoodrat live, or the anger and hatefulness that he suddenly developed towards me and feels free to tell our children. but the feeling of being nothing, or meaning so little to him hurts on a whole different level. all my hopes and dreams, all my whole being has been crushed, starting over at a time in my life i never dreamed of having to start all over and meanwhile he and his happy homewrecker carry on like nothing ever happened. living life and doing whatever they want without a single thought of the lives they destroyed. mind boggling to say the least, heart wrenching and soul destructing at the most.
but what choice do we have? but to carry on, pick up the pieces and try to move forward. to stay hurt and in that place of pain will kill us. life continues on, whether we want it to or not. it is the most hardest thing i have ever had to do, even more so then burying my daughter, at least with her death, i have hope i will see her again one day and know that she is watching over us as well as she didnt leave because she wanted to.
hugs and best wishes to you. i hope you find peace soon.
but sometimes i wonder. i know i could have "fought her" for him. i know he would probably be here with me now if i lowered my morals and values yet again. i didnt and still dont really understand alcoholism. but from what i have been reading, it sounds a lot like my life with him. God i loved him so much. i feel he also loved me, probably more then he has ever loved anybody but the drink was more important. i remember thinking that same way, if he really loved me, he would stop. how could he put his drinking over me and the kids. Sad thing is, i would have stayed with him if he would have stayed faithful. i knew he was struggling with it, and it caused him pain every time he let me down. i actually had stopped making a big deal out if it in the end but he still left me. and it hurts so much to be disguarded, forgotten and devalued. so easily replacable by some b*tch that belongs to another man and doesnt even take care of her own kids. but she drinks with him, and lets him drink, and i am sure she doesnt put any pressure on him to get better or to be responsible. *sigh*
i have been feeling every word you just wrote. i am guessing it is normal. i am 46, i shouldnt be having to start all over, i shouldnt be worried that i am going to lose everything i worked so hard to have, i shouldnt be struggling to pay the bills and feed these boys. sometimes i miss him so much. other times i wish him dead. i HATE HATE HATE the fact that this b*tch has him. homewreckers should not be allowed to be happy. but then he let her wreck our marriage. and he helped her. so i (we) werent all that important to him in the first place, huh.
the pain seems like it is never going to end. i also dont see myself with someone else. for one, all the "GOOD" guys my age are already taken, what is left over nobody wants. i live in a small rural town, unless some great wonderful honest trustworthy man dropps out of the sky and lands at my feet, i doubt i will get attached to another man for the rest of my life. that being said, i havent had to address the issue i now have with trusting a man to be who he says he is and not be hiding some secret. i mean if you cant trust your husband who the f*c k can you trust? i never knew of people so malicious, so selfish, so evil that they would do these things to the people who love them. grant it i guess i was naive and i have wonderful parents and relatives. i never thought, never imagined my husband would walk away and wipe his hands of me and his kids. like you, i did not initiate the NC, he did because i just couldnt stand not talking to him, not seeing him. it hurt way more then actually talking and seeing him did. i know i should be grateful that he is out of our lives, that we dont have to deal with the crazy he and his hoodrat live, or the anger and hatefulness that he suddenly developed towards me and feels free to tell our children. but the feeling of being nothing, or meaning so little to him hurts on a whole different level. all my hopes and dreams, all my whole being has been crushed, starting over at a time in my life i never dreamed of having to start all over and meanwhile he and his happy homewrecker carry on like nothing ever happened. living life and doing whatever they want without a single thought of the lives they destroyed. mind boggling to say the least, heart wrenching and soul destructing at the most.
but what choice do we have? but to carry on, pick up the pieces and try to move forward. to stay hurt and in that place of pain will kill us. life continues on, whether we want it to or not. it is the most hardest thing i have ever had to do, even more so then burying my daughter, at least with her death, i have hope i will see her again one day and know that she is watching over us as well as she didnt leave because she wanted to.
hugs and best wishes to you. i hope you find peace soon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Butterfly,
I agree with Amy, I know that you are ranting but it is a stronger Rant. I feel you are doing much better, coming to terms with it. Never say never when it comes to an A. My sister inlaws parents remarried after she left him because of his drinking. They were in there fifties and a lot of years of drinking. There is nothing wrong with holding out hope of having that man back one day. (doesnt cost a thing) You just need to move forward, which you are. You can't stand still and wait. You need to grow so if he does get sober you are a different person and more powerful as your life together would be different.
Hugs Butterfly you are going to soar this summer!!
Mrs. Vain, Lets make it clear of the hell that he has put you through, thats why you divorced. He cheated on you 3 times, are you telling me that he will not cheat on his new skank!! He will, its just a matter of time before he abuses her. She probably won't stick around as long as you did for all the abuse you took. There life is not as peachy as you say it is. He has a disease and his body is mentally and physically seeing the challenges. In our mind we say they are just having the best time, as they do nothing but party and play. It will hit, might not be today or tomorrow, but it will hit home and he will crash and burn. Then you will get the phone call.
I get monthly calls from my XAH about why i don't call or text him anymore and say hi to the dog and my parents. Hey buddy we divorced 4 months ago. Not part of the divorce decree to be the A's therapist anymore. I just keep repeating to him, grow up, sober up and get into some therapy. At that time I will open up my heart to you, again!! Last response "im not a drunk". oh OK!! Then contact me when you are sober....
As long as you ladies keep moving forward, don't stay still, you will be ok. You can't rekindle a relationship if you stay in the same spot as it will never work, again. Grow, Grow and Grow more. That is only then, when you will be ready to make the decisions you need to make!!
(((((((((hugs Butterfly and Mrs. Vain)))))))))))))))))
I agree with Amy, I know that you are ranting but it is a stronger Rant. I feel you are doing much better, coming to terms with it. Never say never when it comes to an A. My sister inlaws parents remarried after she left him because of his drinking. They were in there fifties and a lot of years of drinking. There is nothing wrong with holding out hope of having that man back one day. (doesnt cost a thing) You just need to move forward, which you are. You can't stand still and wait. You need to grow so if he does get sober you are a different person and more powerful as your life together would be different.
Hugs Butterfly you are going to soar this summer!!
Mrs. Vain, Lets make it clear of the hell that he has put you through, thats why you divorced. He cheated on you 3 times, are you telling me that he will not cheat on his new skank!! He will, its just a matter of time before he abuses her. She probably won't stick around as long as you did for all the abuse you took. There life is not as peachy as you say it is. He has a disease and his body is mentally and physically seeing the challenges. In our mind we say they are just having the best time, as they do nothing but party and play. It will hit, might not be today or tomorrow, but it will hit home and he will crash and burn. Then you will get the phone call.
I get monthly calls from my XAH about why i don't call or text him anymore and say hi to the dog and my parents. Hey buddy we divorced 4 months ago. Not part of the divorce decree to be the A's therapist anymore. I just keep repeating to him, grow up, sober up and get into some therapy. At that time I will open up my heart to you, again!! Last response "im not a drunk". oh OK!! Then contact me when you are sober....
As long as you ladies keep moving forward, don't stay still, you will be ok. You can't rekindle a relationship if you stay in the same spot as it will never work, again. Grow, Grow and Grow more. That is only then, when you will be ready to make the decisions you need to make!!
(((((((((hugs Butterfly and Mrs. Vain)))))))))))))))))
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