TEnumber82

Alright, so I'm a newlywed here, been married for less than a year, and my wife is an alcoholic. She always had a thing for the bottle, but it went into overdrive immediately after we got married, because she had stopped working, and with my traveling for work, I wasn't there to control her. Our marriage has taken a complete nosedive since signing the marriage license, because rare at the nights when she's not passed out drunk by the time I come home from work, and at best, she'll be in her stupor to where she won't retain anything I tell her anyway. My friends have her labeled as a drunk. My parents had a pretty good idea of what was going on. Of course, I know. The only people oblivious to the fact are her friends, her family, and her coworkers (she works for a Christian company where she presents herself as Miss Never Touched a Drop in her Life).

My mom's birthday was on Tuesday, and last weekend while we were out together at dinner, my mom brought up the fact, and my wife suggested that we do something fun at our house. My mom thought that'd be a great idea, so all week, she was looking forward to making plans for the weekend. Since my mom knew that we had been bickering about other things, she didn't come over at any point during the week. Today, the wife and I planned on having a decent day together, so after some breakfast together, work, and a dinner that I cooked, I went ahead and started cleaning the kitchen as she was watching TV upstairs. My brother texted me telling me that he was on his way over with my mom, and since I was cleaning, I asked him to stall her because I wasn't ready. They came over anyway, but it's not big deal, I knew they had just swung by to chat for a little bit and make final plans for tomorrow.

My wife doesn't come down immediately, so I thought she had either fallen asleep, or was in the bathroom. She had been drinking, so when she comes downstairs packed and with her dogs on leashes, I ask her what she's doing, and she said something along the lines of "LEAVING. Your ******* family can come over whenever they want, I'M OUT!". This is not a recurring thing. My mom hasn't been over since November. My mom takes offense to the "******* family" comment, and they get into it. Sometime while my wife was upstairs, she must've summoned her mom over, because almost on cinematic cue, her mom walks in the door to help her gather he things. We got married out of state, her parents didn't show up (though they supported the idea), and we've only been here for a few months. This is how our mothers would meet, with both my mom and my wife yelling at each other. Awkward.

My wife left with her essentials, and my mom left about an hour later. My wife started pounding at the door almost immediately afterward, and her and her mom walk in to get something she had forgotten. I lost my cool. While my mom was over, I was more concerned about keeping the peace. But now that the seal had been broken, I decided to take the gloves off as well. I told her mom "I'm at the end of my wits here. We had a very good day together, and she decides to get drunk and **** all over it. Your daughter is an alcoholic. I can't manage with this. I tried pot once in my life, so I really don't have first hand experience with this ****. I'm seriously this close to stuffing her ass into a rehab and throwing the key away. Go look in the trash, you'll see 3 bags, and each bag has a box of wine. That is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Open the fridge, you'll see the Friday box halfway empty already." Among other things, but my mother in law seriously acts oblivious to my wife's drinking habits, despite the late night drunken phone calls at random.

My wife's younger brother has been an alcoholic for 10 years, in and out of rehab ever since. He's 28. Her grandfather was an alcoholic. Her aunts, uncles, everyone has a drinking problem in that family. My mother in law still attends AA meetings alone, in representation of her brother. That family was destroyed by the grandfather. Her response to me? "If she is an alcoholic, then there's nothing you and I can do about it. She's going to have to come to terms with her own disease and that sort of thing, and handle that on her own." I felt entirely disarmed. What the **** is that ****? My wife makes her alcoholism seem like a personality trait. She's already had an abortion performed because she couldn't stop drinking despite being pregnant, and will not stop. It's stronger than her. It's pathetic. She loves her dogs more than anything in the world, and she's willing to neglect them for a wild night. You've no idea how many times I've come home, and she's passed out on the floor with dog **** and **** right next to her head.

So is this really the way this is supposed to go? I'm supposed to just deal with it as my wife reenacts Leaving Las Vegas every night until she finally dies, unless she realizes she's a drunk first? My choices are seriously A.) Let her drink herself to death B.) Divorce? Like, what are my real options here, people? I'm 30 years old, I have health insurance, and all that good stuff. Can I seriously force her into rehab, or what? Can we not go to AA or something, or do I seriously have to let her die first? Seems kinda lose-lose since it's that or divorce, but I can't tell if my mother in law was seriously giving me the right answer as to how to handle the situation, or if she was telling me to back off on my allegations?

Thanks.

changeneeded

I'm sorry it has been such a difficult first year of marriage. I know it's even harder that it seems her family sees nothing wrong with it. You've come to a great place to sound off these people are a great help. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I'm here for about the same thing. Actually everyone is here for the same thing. Understanding and support. There will be more response tomorrow I'm sure. It's pretty late. 130am for me and I'm in California. Hang in there.

PHIZ007

Hi TE

Firstly welcome to SR. I am so glad you have found us.

I am also sorry for the reasons you are here. Alcoholism sucks!

You need to start by focusing on YOU and believe me the rest will follow.

Your MIL is right in that if your wife is an alcoholic there really is nothing you can do except take care of YOU first and foremost.

My husband of 15 years is an alcoholic and we have three beautiful children. Even though things are far from perfect since going to Al Anon, reading and educating myself here over many years my life is becoming more peaceful.

Keep reading, keep posting, you will learn so much from many here who have walked in your shoes.

Once again welcome to SR. I am glad you found us.

SR. and Al Anon keep me sane!

Take Care Phiz

Hawks

Yeah the mother in law is right on the money.

There's fack all you can do about it.

She'll stop (if she stops) when and only when she is ready.

Yell, scream, confront, cajole, hang it on her all you like.

It won't work and it'll just make it worse.

This won't yield over night results, but if you want to help her..... Give her your permission to be who she needs to be, let her drink and stand back.

Paradoxical right??
Possibly a bit nuts even??

But it flips the spotlight on her, her drinking and only her drinking.

Dont hand her ammo to keep firing back at you.

Go crazy... Get more crazy.

Left to their own devices, alchies hit the bottom quicker and that's what you want.

Or a divorce.. ..perfectly good option too.

redatlanta

Hi TEnumber82 welcome to SR.

Yes, your mother in law is correct, there isn't anything you can do about intervening on behalf of your wife to make any decisions for her regarding her alcoholism or treatment of it.

If someone you know had a disease could you force them to get it treated? Could you force them to have a tumor cut out, chemotherapy, or whatever if they chose not to? No, you cannot.

While my metaphor is applicable its not entirely accurate - alcoholism is more complicated to treat than cutting a tumor out because it not only consists of halting ingestion of a dependent substance, but also rewiring the brain. It is a disease that is based on denial, is illogical, and non receptive to suggestion. Underneath the addiction it is not uncommon to find mental illness and or personality disorders - though I am not saying that is your situation here I just want to you be aware a lot of times it is.

MIL may seem oblivious its clear she is not, nor was she telling you to back off your allegations. I am not saying that she will be on "your side" (for lack of wording) either. For the time being I wouldn't put much emphasis that she used the word "if". It was a situation where her daughter was trashed and angry and there had been a fight. She may have felt it best to answer you quickly and get her out of there. Its entirely possible she is an enabler as well even though she has attended Al Anon for many years. You are just going to have to wait and see how that plays out.

Educating yourself about alcoholism is your first step. When you speak of your choices you state 1) Let her die 2) Divorce. #1 is a very slippery slope statement. You aren't "letting" her do anything. You are not in control of her, and you never will be. That is step #1 to learn in dealing with alcoholism. Your wife's behavior is typical of alcoholics - its YOUR family's fault she drank, its your fault she drank, its the dog's fault and so forth. You will be getting a lot of that "I hate my job if I had a different one.....", "I am under so much stress, if the stress were gone....." "your family really upsets me if I weren't exposed to them...." "I don't like your friends if they weren't around....." "Something terrible happened to me in childhood if I didn't have PTSD....." there is always a reason WHY they drink. The spouse often fills the position of "fixer", kindly supporting whatever it takes to solve whatever problem the Alcoholic attributes to their drinking. Its exhausting, and along the way you completely lose yourself in their disease alienating friends, family and the things that are important to you in the never-ending race to solve the unsolvable. When the excuses run thin, everything has been "fixed", and the alcoholic is still drinking, the blame goes to YOU. Its all your fault because YOU are so controlling! You are miserable! You put your family first! You don't love them! You then get back on the hamster wheel to prove to them they are wrong. Its madness.

Your #1) You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you cannot cure it. 3 C's. memorize it.

#2) You don't have to figure out anything today regarding what you will do with this relationship. You should educate yourself about her disease and move on from there.

#3) More will be revealed. You WILL become very in tune to what is really happening very fast.

Al Anon would be a great place for you. SR is a fantastic source for support and education as well.

knowthetriggers

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.

I know this is hard for you and you don't understand but your MIL spoke the truth. Your wife has to come to terms with her disease on her own. She has to want to get the help. Force recovery on her and things could get even worse.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Keep reaching out and keep posting. Educate yourself.

Most important, take some focus off of your wife and decide what is YOUR action plan for yourself. Have you heard of Alanon? If not I would suggest you look into it, it saved my sanity....it really did.

LexieCat

red said it all--and very well. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics. One got sober and has stayed that way for 35 years. The other went back to drinking after almost dying of alcohol-related liver/kidney failure. I'm six years sober, myself.

Unless and until the alcoholic decides for HERSELF to get well, there's nothing you can do to help. And even when the alcoholic DOES decide to get well, "support" consists mainly of staying out of the way of the alcoholic's recovery.

As red said, there's no need to decide your ultimate course of action this minute. But the more you know about alcoholism, and about your own responses to her behavior, the better you will be able to make good choices for your future.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

FeelingGreat

Hi 82, it's all fallen in a heap hasn't it? Considering what's happened in the last year, this is a good thing because it's brought everything to a head. Her intake is frightening and will damage her mental and physical health if she continues. I wonder if her co-workers are unaware? From what you say she'd still be drunk by the time she gets to work.
This meltdown might have been the result of the prospect of having your family in the house. Probably nothing personal.
As the others have pointed out, your MIL is correct about you not being able to control her, shove her into rehab, lay down an ultimation or anything to make her stop. She seems to be enabling her anyway and you probably won't get much support from her.
But you can choose not to live with a constantly drunk person, for your own sake rather than a punishment for her. If you don't want her back I suggest you change the locks though, while not blocking her from taking anything she's entitled to. Otherwise she'll come and go as she pleases.
Read up as much as you can, take your time and see what happens when your wife sobers up.

LexieCat

Assuming her name is on the mortgage/deed/lease, you can't just change the locks. You would need to have a court order giving you temporary possession of the house, which would probably require filing for a legal separation or divorce. You might want to talk to a lawyer about your rights and obligations.

Santa

My ex had major insecurity issues about my family. He tried pretty hard for years to get on well with my parents, but as his disease progressed, he'd be drunk and very disrespectful to my elderly mother, or as soon as they would leave he would start gossiping and complaining about them. He felt constantly judged by them even though they were very good to him. My father actually judges everybody constantly including his kids, it wasn't personal!

Welcome to SR. What a ****show, eh? Life with an alcoholic spouse.

happybeingme

Hi TE, as a recovering alcoholic myself I will say that I generally agree with what everyone else has said. However, there is a forum here called Secular Connections for Friends and Family that has a completely different attitude about how to help your alcoholic. They have very interesting book discussions and threads. You may want to look into that.

DMC

Real options?
Protect yourself legally. See a lawyer.
You're a newlywed. I had my first inkling that *something* was quite wrong on our honeymoon. Eleven years of progressive downward spiral passed before I got the hell out.

He was dead less than 5 years later.

Her mother probably nailed it. And sadly, you can't save her. Lord knows we all have tried.

Better to explode like this than simmer for a decade... you, the frog, got dropped in a hot pot of water. And YOU NOTICED! This is so different than it was for me, so please, take a good hard look at this situation. Learn as much as you can, and honestly, run like hell.

atalose

This is the foundation on which you need to understand and accept so that you can move forward. YOU CANNOT CONTROL another persons addiction.

Initialy we become aware of our loved ones issues and we immediately jump into action of trying to fix and repair them. We exhaust ourselves by trying to do the impossible then continue to wonder why nothing we do is working.

I recently was reminded that there really are no problems - only solutions that we don't like.

Education on addiction, al-anon, therapy, posting here and support from your family and friends are your life lines right now.

Thomas45

I ran into similar problems with my alcoholic ex wife. Shortly after marriage, she was spending $500 a month on alcohol and her binge drinking was the cause of so many arguments. That being said, you can not control someone else's alcoholism. The desire will always be there for her to drink until she is able to identify what she wants out of life even more than drinking. And even after that point, recovery isn't a destination, it is a life-long battle to remain sober. The desire to have a drink never leaves completely, every day will be a fight for that day to remain sober. 5 months sober, or 17 years sober, it's a life long struggle. Relapses can often happen.

Your mother in law is actually quite right.

Your mother in law doesn't 'attend AA meetings on behalf of her brother'. Your mother in law attends Al-Anon meetings on behalf of herself. AA meetings are only for the alcoholic, to give them the tools they need to learn how to quit for themselves. Al-Anon meetings are for friends and family members of alcoholics who have been hurt by the actions of the alcoholics in their lives, so that they can learn the coping mechanisms on how to live THEIR lives in a healthy and detached way. They teach important truths about alcoholism that allow the otherwise healthy individuals to live their own lives in a positive way and not try to make the alcoholic's problems their own problems. Trying to take someone else's problems and solve them as your own is a symptom of what's called 'codependency', and leads people down a spiral of depression and anger because you're trying to control the uncontrollable: someone else's desires and actions. The only desires and actions you have power over are your own.

Sadly, this is not an uncommon story around here. Sadly we do have an idea of how many times you've seen your wife passed out on the floor, all of us have been in that situation, that's why we're here in the first place. Part of the healing process for the alcoholic is admitting that the disease IS stronger than the addict. But healing won't happen until the alcoholic processes that for him or herself. Trying to force that upon her won't do any good. You know by now how obtuse alcoholics can be when you're arguing with them, am I right? It's like trying to throw uncooked spaghetti at a wall and expecting it to stick.

Your mother in law was telling the blunt truth. Here's what you can do.

You can attend Al-Anon meetings in your area to learn healthy coping methods for dealing with the anger, resentment, and frustration that you're experiencing with regard to your wife's alcoholism. Again, it isn't AA, it's not for alcoholics, it's for the sober ones who need help with their own mental well being.

You can suggest rehab.

You can suggest AA meetings.

You can create personal boundaries for how you want to live your life. Whether that involves leaving or staying with your wife is up to you.

Here's what you can't do.

You can't fix her addiction through any action or force of will of your own.

You can't force her into rehab and expect her to get better. She will relapse.

You can't force her into AA meetings. She has to want to go.

You can't control or moderate her drinking. It doesn't work.

You can't give her ultimatums and have a happy life with her in the future. She will carry resentment, and so will you. You can decide to stay with her or divorce her, but it has to be for your own reasons, and not some "A or B" decision you force upon her to remove your own responsibility from the decision-making.

TEnumber82

Hi guys, thanks a lot for the warm welcome, advice, insight, and tips. I think the overwhelming consensus here is that my mother in law was correct, and she wasn't trying to be hurtful or wash her hands clean of the problem like I thought.

However, in the case of her brother for example, he began his bout with alcoholism since before he was 18, while still living at their house. I don't know if it's my upbringing, or just my naive mentality or what, but if you're in a position to control a person, how is it that you can't help it? I guess what I'm getting at is, what happened to the old school method of just simply "beating it out of them", so to speak? If I were a minor, and I came home with a crippling cocaine addiction, my parents would've flushed my drugs down the toilet, and cut me off financially, since that would be my source. Maybe it wouldn't have prevented me 110%, because I'd still have my friends, but it'd put me in a position where I'd have everything to lose: sure, I could pawn their TV's and belongings for coke money, but they could just call the cops and have me arrested for theft and possession. Point is, if I'm the one that controls the money, and she barely even makes enough for gas money, let alone going out to a bar with friends, how exactly is it that I just can't take a knife to her box of wine every time she comes home with one?

Her drinking habits are the same every night, and like you guys said, it's always in the name of having an excuse. She'll blame it on being stressed from work, and will pour herself a drink to unwind, and after 3 glasses, she can barely even stand on her own two feet. Thing is, she works part time at an IT company as a gopher, so I don't really buy the excuse. Of course, that's changed over time, like you guys have hinted at. From her previous failed relationship, to her job, to blaming me, there's always a reason. Prior to us dating, our mutual friends warned me of her drinking problem, except I didn't believe it because in my mind at the time, all alcoholics looked like W.C. Fields. Obviously, now I know that they come in all shapes and sizes, and may not reflect any physical signs of deterioration.

My only other second hand experience with alcoholism in my life was with my friend. We'll call him Chase, for the sake of anonymity. Chase dabbled in drugs early on in his life, and by the time he had finished high school, he was jailed after breaking into someones house and vandalizing it. After 2 years in jail, and 3 years of collective parole/probation later, he'd quit the drugs, but replace his tendencies with alcohol. Definitely more hardcore than my wife, he'd chug a bottle of Jack in less than a minute on a dare. My wife claims to have had a crippling drug addiction early on (cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine), though I'm dubious of that claim considering she also claims to have killed a guy administering a speedball before, and that she did her "rehab" at her parents house. But other than those tall tales, and other crazy claims, I've learned to believe little of what she actually has to say, though her behavior is definitely akin to that of Chase's, post prison.

In the town we live in, it might as well be Neverland from Peter Pan. Of course, alcoholism isn't exclusive to our town, but it's certainly celebrated. People here rarely grow up and move on with their lives. I went to a bar with my brother last night for the first time in 5 years, and that place has been frozen in time: the same faces, the same environment, even the bartenders were the same. The only thing that changed was that by catching up with the DJ, I'd find out how many regulars had died from cirrhosis in the 5 years that I spent away. Whereas I got married and I'm trying to move on with my life, my wife on the other hand prefers to never change, and longs for how things used to be when her drinking was celebrated, dismissed as a quirky personality trait, and everyone in her life participated. I'm not a square by any means, but I just can't drink too often. I find it laborious and time consuming, never mind expensive and eventually pointless without reason.

She will come to and "quit" for a few days, which she will spend sick in bed, but eventually a new reason will arise and she'll fall back off the wagon. It's a vicious cycle that is truly destroying our entire relationship, and now that I came back home after last night's events, I've spent more time being chewed out over knifing the box of wine, than I've heard anything else. At this point, she sounds like she's going to try to use her alcoholism as a crutch to completely shove me away, but like you guys have said: excuses.

So again guys, thanks for all of your input. I will continue to read forthcoming responses in this thread, answer any questions that I may receive, and I'll definitely take advantage of the rest of the forums to further educate myself on what exactly it is that I'm dealing with here. I'm entirely new to this, so I apologize if my questions or comments seem naive! Hopefully I can get some answers and hope that I can figure out if this is worth trying to save or not!

LexieCat

Yes, they are naive, but we all were, once. There's a definite learning curve, so don't be embarrassed, and ask us anything you want.

Controlling alcoholism (and the alcoholic) does NOT work. I know it seems like it should, and it's counterintuitive that it doesn't. But I'd venture to say that every single parent, significant other, or spouse of an alcoholic has tried it at some point. It is futile and actually can make the problem worse because it creates resentment.

Moreover, your wife is NOT your child. She has a right to do what she wants to with her body and with her life. If it causes you pain, you don't have to live with it. My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of alcohol-related liver and kidney failure. I could not bear to continue watching him kill himself, I was powerless to stop it, so I left. It made me sad, but he was sober for a time, knew what to do, but apparently could not stick with recovery.

Alcoholism doesn't make sense. Very little is understood about why some people can drink a LOT and never develop it, while others (like my first husband) were raging alcoholics from virtually the first drink. I had some signs of susceptibility to alcoholism when I was in high school and college, but it didn't really spiral into full-blown alcoholism until I was in my late 40s.

What's interesting, though, is that once someone DOES become an alcoholic, there are more similarities than differences. Some people's health suffers more/sooner than others, and some people are able to maintain the illusion of functioning longer than others. Sooner or later, though, unless the alcoholic STOPS drinking entirely, they will all wind up in the same place. Virtually ALL alcoholics lie (about their drinking, if nothing else, but it usually spreads to lies to cover up the other problems that arise), they become selfish, they blame other people, places, and things for their problems, in order to protect their addiction. The alcoholism becomes what their entire life revolves around. And friends and family tend to clean up after, and otherwise "manage" the alcoholic, preventing them from fully experiencing the negative consequences of their addiction--which helps them keep it going.

It doesn't sound right now like your wife has any desire to quit drinking. That may change if her circumstances become uncomfortable enough. It may not. Some people just keep going until they die.

killerinstinct

Same thing happened to me after we got married the real drunk came out of my ex and three years on I am still paying for his **** in the form of being a single parent to a toddler, I have a restraining order against him, im in federal court proceedings and have no money and completely lost my health.. Meanwhile he's out living in a beach side home with his new girlfriend perusing his dreams. This could be you in a couple of years if you stay.. I am angry and hurt everyday.. Leave her now if you can. Rehab doesn't work when their in denial

Thomas45

That's the illusion of control. In truth you have no real control over someone else.

Addiction is called "addiction" for a reason. Addiction is an extreme compulsion. It isn't rational. It isn't logical. It consumes a person's being and dictates their life for them.

Using your example of coming home with a cocaine addiction, here is what would happen with a truly addicted mind:

The addict son would have his drugs flushed down the toilet and be cut off from the parent's money supply. He would hate his parents for 'wronging him'. Then the addiction would come knocking, and it would come knocking hard. The son would find a way, any way, to get the money to buy more cocaine. Whether that involves stealing from the parents, getting involved with a gang, or getting an actual job, the end result is the same: the addict WILL find a way to feed his addiction, with or without his parents' consent. He won't feel that he is doing anything wrong, he will justify whatever he does with any excuse that can deflect the blame off of him. If he has to get kicked out of the house and sleep in a bush in the park, he WILL deal with it. He won't have to listen to his parents nagging at him and wasting his drugs any more, and he'll just as likely find a sofa to sleep on with a sympathetic friend or neighbor, giving them a pity story about how his parents kicked him out for no reason and that they're terrible people who abuse him.

If you're controlling the money but she's still managing to get wine in the house, how exactly are you controlling the money? Like I said, it's the illusion of control.

Your wife isn't your daughter. She's your wife. Whether you like it or not, she's your equal and you can't treat your equal like a child and expect the relationship to go anywhere but down. Doing so is only fueling her resentment towards you. You may think you're helping her and the relationship by hawking over her, but continuing to do that will just result in your wife leaving you for someone who will enable her addiction. Believe it or not, if you ask for a survey of forum members whose spouses cheated on them with an alcoholic/alcohol enabler, you will see a disturbingly high number of responses. And all of us (me included in that situation) will tell you that our actions were done with the best of intentions, but backfired on us miserably.

The blunt truth with regard to addiction is that if an addict believes that you are hindering them in their attempt to procure their drug of choice, they will cast you aside eventually.

I've done that as well, and the job actually is *extremely* stressful. Working in a call center in IT was the worst time of my life in terms of job-related stress, it got so bad that I would get to work, punch in my timecard for my 10 minute daily preparation, and at the end of the 10 minute "get ready" time, I would punch in that I was going for a washroom break and sit in the washroom for another 10-20 minutes to cope with the anxiety of the upcoming day. But she's still making the conscious decision to pick up the bottle at the end of the day instead of trying to deal with her stress in a positive way.

Most definitely. I could show you pictures of my ex wife and she'd knock your socks off. She's a very pretty woman when she's sober, and you'd have no idea how badly her life has been affected by her alcoholism.

You may have heard this one before, but I'll say it again: "when someone tells you (or shows you) who they really are, believe them the first time."

BlueChair

Hi TE,

I think you had it right with what you said about her needing rehab/treatment. My husband was so sick with his addiction he never would have went for help because cognitively he wasnt able to make the choice on his own. I had no experience with addiction either, and I relied heavily on my inlaws who were really like bulldogs in saying hes going to get the best help we can find. My husband was inpatient for 3 months at a non 12 step rehab. He had a lot of behavioral therapies and counseling, and Im still in shock when I say this because the memories are all vivid in my mind, but it was over a year and half ago, hes doing god now, and continues counseling with an addiction doc from the rehab.

Good treatment is her best hope IMO. But the catch is will she go? And will she stay in long enough to change her thought, behaviors and develop a recovery plan that will work just for her? Professionals say treatment doesnt have to be voluntary to be effective. I use an approach we share on the secular forum called Community Reinforcement and Family Training. (Craft). You can look it up here, or over the internet. We feel there is external motivation to make people seek change. This can be from family, friends, employers, or the law. In my husbands case, his employer helped us talk to him and they fully supported his going to treatment and let him know it was his only option in coming back to work, the rest of the encouragement came from family (but we were positive not threatening in our approach). The next step to change is "internal" motivation. This comes from inside her, and while many things can influence her, it must come from with inside her. Professionals trained in addiction can help bring people around to discover this within themselves, not always, but often. I wouldnt give up on the treatment idea if I was in your shoes. We had insurance too, sometimes it will only cover outpatient, or 30 days inpatient and in this time they work to develop a sustainable recovery plan for her. Id still look for 90 if possible. There are guidelines for treatment and I was posting a link yesterday. I will give you this link and if you dig around in here you will find lots of information, hopefully some of it will help you make decisions. And Yes! take care of yourself too. We use what is called the Oxygen Mask Rule. If you dont have oxygen (self care, protected finances, and the like) then you cant help yourself much less anyone else. Put your mask on first, and then help her where you can.

What to Do If Your Adult Friend or Loved One Has a Problem with Drugs | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

BlueChair

Darn tablet and MY typing skills. I meant hes doing "good" now, but we do go to church, so I guess hes doing "God" too. Ha!