why has my wife abondoned me???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oceanside, NY
Posts: 20
why has my wife abondoned me???
I am so dissapointed!!!! I have been a devoted husband for soon 10 years and father to our 5 and 7 yr olds. Wifew and I always smoked pot, both id since childhood. She discovered it was effecting our relationship and quit a yr ago. Soon she was questioning weather she wanted to stay married. I feared a divorce and blood testr so went abstinent. We tried to reconcile and things were looking very promising. I relapsed. I was dissapointed at our progress in sexuality mostly and that she hadn't got back her lawyers retainer despite saying she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives togeather. We had been to a marraige we and were in councilling . I relapsed and the pot turned me into an ass pretty much - exact opposite of what I hoped for but was blind to the effects it was having. after a 2 month relapse durring which she said toward the end I was chooseing pot over the marraige she stated she was done. No more counciiling, she wants a divorce. I ran to NA have made 50 in 50 and she is still as much a cold heartless bitch. Its like the sky falling. Twice in 6 months she has crushed my spirit. She says she forgives me but has no trust. Her dad was and is a fall down drunk and she doesnt see that w/o that history I'd more then likely have gotten the oppurtunity to change. I'm a NA poster boy working steps with sponsor ....
I have a very busy life. Wife job has her out from 8-630. I work arround the kids and do most of the household choores (shopping, dinner, aftercamp / school playdates, activities, doctors visits) I am completely unapreciated. I am treated like an unwanted dog! "I dont respect her boundaries" her and this codependant no more **** is makeing me very resentfull. I am trying to love her despite having no encouragement. She wants me to move forward (with the divorce thing) Doesnt give me the slightest bit of compasion, sympathy or empathy that I dont want a divorce either!!! I DONT KNOW THIS WOMAN! ITSCARY! She was like this befor last fall and winter. I only hope that my continued abstinence can get me through this!
We've had a wonderfull marraige for the most part. Both of us smoking pot made us communicate and conflict manage dysfuncionally. She blames me for all of that. She didnt do a program, sees a therapist though. She's been to a couple of alanon meetings and I'm praying they will convince her to do the steps. If I talk about my recovery, NA , Alanaon, or God forbid our marraige I'm talking "at her" She is unlovable now. Its like its a whole different women from just 3 months ago. Its like I'm not supposed to speak unless spoken too. She's told the kids of the divorce. She wanted me to move out (not happenen) she moved to 3rd floor. We still go to church togeather as a family sunday mornings other then that for 6 weeks has kept her space. When I try to talk to her I get "your' not respecting my boundaries" she turns 5 minutes of my trying to get through to her that her prayers are being answered into a 45 minute "Monolouge"
She says where we are is exaxtly where we're supposed to be. That I should let go and let God. God is telling me to fught for my marraige and not quit on her. Does she actually think God wants us to get a frigg'n divorce. What she is doing to me I will not get over anytime soon if ever. If I had known this is what my wife would turn intI'd never have married her. I'm fearfull of what kinda mom she'll be when the kids arent 5 and 7 and so cute and lovable. All she knows from her past is takeing care of #1. I feel so terrable. My life is in ruins. I've dedicated my whole life as a family man. She was my frigg'n smoking buddy. Now I'm the addict not her??? Its the kettle call'n the frying pan black! I'm the one working a spiritual program. If anything is gonna drive me into a relapse its her! Why isnt she proud, happy, rejicefull, thankfull to God.
Her parents divorced and I guess its all she knows. I have nevr been so dissapointed in my life. If it werent for the kids I'd tell her to **** off and see ya in ct ( I will go for full custody, the house, suppoet and maintenence) I the frig'n mom - which I get no frigg'n cretit for.
I have a very busy life. Wife job has her out from 8-630. I work arround the kids and do most of the household choores (shopping, dinner, aftercamp / school playdates, activities, doctors visits) I am completely unapreciated. I am treated like an unwanted dog! "I dont respect her boundaries" her and this codependant no more **** is makeing me very resentfull. I am trying to love her despite having no encouragement. She wants me to move forward (with the divorce thing) Doesnt give me the slightest bit of compasion, sympathy or empathy that I dont want a divorce either!!! I DONT KNOW THIS WOMAN! ITSCARY! She was like this befor last fall and winter. I only hope that my continued abstinence can get me through this!
We've had a wonderfull marraige for the most part. Both of us smoking pot made us communicate and conflict manage dysfuncionally. She blames me for all of that. She didnt do a program, sees a therapist though. She's been to a couple of alanon meetings and I'm praying they will convince her to do the steps. If I talk about my recovery, NA , Alanaon, or God forbid our marraige I'm talking "at her" She is unlovable now. Its like its a whole different women from just 3 months ago. Its like I'm not supposed to speak unless spoken too. She's told the kids of the divorce. She wanted me to move out (not happenen) she moved to 3rd floor. We still go to church togeather as a family sunday mornings other then that for 6 weeks has kept her space. When I try to talk to her I get "your' not respecting my boundaries" she turns 5 minutes of my trying to get through to her that her prayers are being answered into a 45 minute "Monolouge"
She says where we are is exaxtly where we're supposed to be. That I should let go and let God. God is telling me to fught for my marraige and not quit on her. Does she actually think God wants us to get a frigg'n divorce. What she is doing to me I will not get over anytime soon if ever. If I had known this is what my wife would turn intI'd never have married her. I'm fearfull of what kinda mom she'll be when the kids arent 5 and 7 and so cute and lovable. All she knows from her past is takeing care of #1. I feel so terrable. My life is in ruins. I've dedicated my whole life as a family man. She was my frigg'n smoking buddy. Now I'm the addict not her??? Its the kettle call'n the frying pan black! I'm the one working a spiritual program. If anything is gonna drive me into a relapse its her! Why isnt she proud, happy, rejicefull, thankfull to God.
Her parents divorced and I guess its all she knows. I have nevr been so dissapointed in my life. If it werent for the kids I'd tell her to **** off and see ya in ct ( I will go for full custody, the house, suppoet and maintenence) I the frig'n mom - which I get no frigg'n cretit for.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Donald,
I have read your story a number times over the past few weeks and there are a few things that I keep getting stuck on. I feel the pain that you are going through, however there are a few comments which leap out at me.
You seem to blame a lot of people for your situation, but very rarely yourself. It was YOU who relapsed and put in jeopardy the progress that you had made in counselling. You admit yourself that it turned you into an ass. And you expect her to trust you overnight?
But the most glaring points are those concerning your feelings for your wife. "she is still as much a cold heartless bitch", "She is unlovable now", "If I had known this is what my wife would turn intI'd never have married her". If your wife has ANY idea that you have these thoughts, then I am not surprised that she is taking this course of action.
Are you going to Nar-anon or Al-anon?
I have read your story a number times over the past few weeks and there are a few things that I keep getting stuck on. I feel the pain that you are going through, however there are a few comments which leap out at me.
You seem to blame a lot of people for your situation, but very rarely yourself. It was YOU who relapsed and put in jeopardy the progress that you had made in counselling. You admit yourself that it turned you into an ass. And you expect her to trust you overnight?
But the most glaring points are those concerning your feelings for your wife. "she is still as much a cold heartless bitch", "She is unlovable now", "If I had known this is what my wife would turn intI'd never have married her". If your wife has ANY idea that you have these thoughts, then I am not surprised that she is taking this course of action.
Are you going to Nar-anon or Al-anon?
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
donald,
There is no solution as long as we blame everything around us and claim the victim role. Al-Anon teaches us that we are responsible for our own happiness and serenity. I too encourage you to seek Al-Anon or Nar-anon for yourself. You cannot change your wife. If that is what you are basing your happiness and serenity on, you can't be happy. No one here can give you a solution based on that. But we can offer our own experience in taking responsibility for our own life, decisions, and actions. If you have been working the 12 steps, you know that resentment and fear are the things that will drive you to relapse, not your wife. The first step of Al-Anon may be something that will help you begin to heal. Please stop beating your head against the wall. It's not going to move. Hugs, Magic
There is no solution as long as we blame everything around us and claim the victim role. Al-Anon teaches us that we are responsible for our own happiness and serenity. I too encourage you to seek Al-Anon or Nar-anon for yourself. You cannot change your wife. If that is what you are basing your happiness and serenity on, you can't be happy. No one here can give you a solution based on that. But we can offer our own experience in taking responsibility for our own life, decisions, and actions. If you have been working the 12 steps, you know that resentment and fear are the things that will drive you to relapse, not your wife. The first step of Al-Anon may be something that will help you begin to heal. Please stop beating your head against the wall. It's not going to move. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Donald -
You sound really mad. My husband is an alcoholic. I know that as long as I was mad, I wan't able to do anything productive about the situation I was in. As long as I focused on all the stuff he was doing "to me", I was blind to anything I could do to make my life better.
I think you know that being mad at your wife isn't going to keep your marriage together. How about focusing on something you can actually do something about - yourself?
Hugs - L
You sound really mad. My husband is an alcoholic. I know that as long as I was mad, I wan't able to do anything productive about the situation I was in. As long as I focused on all the stuff he was doing "to me", I was blind to anything I could do to make my life better.
I think you know that being mad at your wife isn't going to keep your marriage together. How about focusing on something you can actually do something about - yourself?
Hugs - L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Donald...
There are healthy dynamics and unhealthy...
And...just cause we want something... or expect something... it doesn't mean we're meant to have it...
You and your wife have a golden opportunity to explore healthier (for yourself AND your children) ways to relate to each other. But being closed to that will only bring the end.
I understand your anger and your frustration... but .... staying stuck in those thoughts will only become self-fulfilling.
Get past your anger and control and maybe do some reading for yourself on relationship dynamics... and I found the principles of Alanon/Naranon help immensley.
Your no doubt a good man... but we all have room for improvement... and we can't do that while we're taking someone else's inventory.
There are healthy dynamics and unhealthy...
And...just cause we want something... or expect something... it doesn't mean we're meant to have it...
You and your wife have a golden opportunity to explore healthier (for yourself AND your children) ways to relate to each other. But being closed to that will only bring the end.
I understand your anger and your frustration... but .... staying stuck in those thoughts will only become self-fulfilling.
Get past your anger and control and maybe do some reading for yourself on relationship dynamics... and I found the principles of Alanon/Naranon help immensley.
Your no doubt a good man... but we all have room for improvement... and we can't do that while we're taking someone else's inventory.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Hey Donald.. hugs ... keep on the path .. more is revealed every day.
I've been an NA poster boy myself and for the wrong reasons. I wanted the people I wronged to forgive and forget. Some where a long the line l heard that "expectations are premeditated resentments" and I know that resentments weigh me down and distract me from the ability to gain self acceptance. Thats what NA is really about is helping me to stay clean and learn a new way to live, to love myself and accept the world as it is. That way I don't have to live in a fantasy of what if?, if only, and when will?.
Unforunately, recovery is not like what happens when you play a counry western song backwards. My wife didn't come back nor did the boss I ripped off call me and ask me to come back to work for him, nor did my truck start to run, and my dog come back to life.
Many of the people I made ammends to have forgiven me, but they will never forget what I did to them. ( And this is after 13 years of working the program) I understand today that I made the ammends for me, so I could experience the peace of mind of doing my best to clean up and keep "my side of the street" clean. Some people didn't accept my ammends and some died before I got around to them on the list.
I've earned back the trust of some people and learning to treat people differently than before has allowed new relationships to be forged where trust has been earned and never questioned.
I once asked a lady friend in recovery if she might ever get back with the father of her children and I explained to her that I was trying to understand better my wife who claimed she loved me but wuld not consider even going out to dinner with me.
My friend told me that while she could forgive her ex, she could never forget the feelings that had occurred while they were both sick, and even as she loved him once for who he was and she was at the time, she knew that they had both grown in different directions. She told me she still loves him as the father of her children and kept a place in her heart for him as one does an old friend, you no longer feel healthy around.
I do understand the frustration of going through all the right motions and wanting to see the results of your effort turn out a certain way. It feels so unfulfilling.
There is nothing that will guarantee the outcome we seek. Faith is about acting without knowing the result. I'm sure you have heard "we do the right thing for the right reason" at a meeting or read it in the literature.
What helps me to go on is accepting that no matter the outcome, I gain an immense peace of mind, and always gain gratitude regardless of any reward, simply by doing what I understand my HP's will for me is. And for me Just For Today that is doing the next right thing and rejoicing in all things.
I've been an NA poster boy myself and for the wrong reasons. I wanted the people I wronged to forgive and forget. Some where a long the line l heard that "expectations are premeditated resentments" and I know that resentments weigh me down and distract me from the ability to gain self acceptance. Thats what NA is really about is helping me to stay clean and learn a new way to live, to love myself and accept the world as it is. That way I don't have to live in a fantasy of what if?, if only, and when will?.
Unforunately, recovery is not like what happens when you play a counry western song backwards. My wife didn't come back nor did the boss I ripped off call me and ask me to come back to work for him, nor did my truck start to run, and my dog come back to life.
Many of the people I made ammends to have forgiven me, but they will never forget what I did to them. ( And this is after 13 years of working the program) I understand today that I made the ammends for me, so I could experience the peace of mind of doing my best to clean up and keep "my side of the street" clean. Some people didn't accept my ammends and some died before I got around to them on the list.
I've earned back the trust of some people and learning to treat people differently than before has allowed new relationships to be forged where trust has been earned and never questioned.
I once asked a lady friend in recovery if she might ever get back with the father of her children and I explained to her that I was trying to understand better my wife who claimed she loved me but wuld not consider even going out to dinner with me.
My friend told me that while she could forgive her ex, she could never forget the feelings that had occurred while they were both sick, and even as she loved him once for who he was and she was at the time, she knew that they had both grown in different directions. She told me she still loves him as the father of her children and kept a place in her heart for him as one does an old friend, you no longer feel healthy around.
I do understand the frustration of going through all the right motions and wanting to see the results of your effort turn out a certain way. It feels so unfulfilling.
There is nothing that will guarantee the outcome we seek. Faith is about acting without knowing the result. I'm sure you have heard "we do the right thing for the right reason" at a meeting or read it in the literature.
What helps me to go on is accepting that no matter the outcome, I gain an immense peace of mind, and always gain gratitude regardless of any reward, simply by doing what I understand my HP's will for me is. And for me Just For Today that is doing the next right thing and rejoicing in all things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oceanside, NY
Posts: 20
I give up
This site was great to vent on but the feedback seemed mostly one sided. Blaming me and my wifes point of view I get here at home. I am discusted with the effort at reconciliation my wife made when she was "trying" and am fed up now. I have been judged and condemed - my fate is sealed. Its time to achknowledge the facts - the loss, heal my heart and focuss on my future - with out her.
I need to move on from this marraige that has brought me mostly pain for 2 years. Loving her is like hitting yourself with a hammer - it feels better when you stop. I have been reduced to selling myself not just these last 50 days but closer to a year as to why I am deserving of her love. No more. I have found my self respect and pride that I had put aside fore too long. My needs have not been met in this one sided relationship for 2+ years. It is unhealthy to hope and pray for the impossible. I can not fix my wifes trust issues from her past. I am done selling myself. I will keep an open door until our 10th aniversary in October - then I am closeing this chapter in my life for good and will concentrate on ending this act in my lifes book and writting a script for the next. I have no expectations. None at all. My wife is incapable of fullfilling my needs. I believe she is basically a relationship arsonist. I feel great sorrow for my children and also for her. I'm not sorry for myself anymore as I've come to accept reality. Her love was an alusion - it never was real as it was unable to stand through fairly common difficulties. Her being the AD of a AH and her abused past has made her incapabl of giving and recieving love on the level for which I need. She can only give and recieve what she has learned from her past. Keeping the door open is really just an adjustment time for me. There will be no change of heart she is incapable of giving what she does not have.
In time I will feel most sorry for her. She destoyed the best thing she ever had- our family, and did so with her own hands.
Goodbye - Me
I need to move on from this marraige that has brought me mostly pain for 2 years. Loving her is like hitting yourself with a hammer - it feels better when you stop. I have been reduced to selling myself not just these last 50 days but closer to a year as to why I am deserving of her love. No more. I have found my self respect and pride that I had put aside fore too long. My needs have not been met in this one sided relationship for 2+ years. It is unhealthy to hope and pray for the impossible. I can not fix my wifes trust issues from her past. I am done selling myself. I will keep an open door until our 10th aniversary in October - then I am closeing this chapter in my life for good and will concentrate on ending this act in my lifes book and writting a script for the next. I have no expectations. None at all. My wife is incapable of fullfilling my needs. I believe she is basically a relationship arsonist. I feel great sorrow for my children and also for her. I'm not sorry for myself anymore as I've come to accept reality. Her love was an alusion - it never was real as it was unable to stand through fairly common difficulties. Her being the AD of a AH and her abused past has made her incapabl of giving and recieving love on the level for which I need. She can only give and recieve what she has learned from her past. Keeping the door open is really just an adjustment time for me. There will be no change of heart she is incapable of giving what she does not have.
In time I will feel most sorry for her. She destoyed the best thing she ever had- our family, and did so with her own hands.
Goodbye - Me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
This site was great to vent on but the feedback seemed mostly one sided.
I'm sorry that you're not happy with the feedback and I'm sorry that you are saying goodbye. I hope you'll reconsider.
Donald, we have all been where you are. We all know how much it hurts when our spouse does things that make us crazy. We all know what it is like to blame them for everything. We have all done it.
We are only trying to say that it doesn't do any good. It won't change anything. It won't make your life any better. It will drive you nuts. I know it did me.
When I came here and to the program, I understood a lot of things that I had never understood. It gave me a lot of peace and a lot of strength.
I hope you find your peace and I hope you decide to stick around.
Hugs - L
I'm sorry that you're not happy with the feedback and I'm sorry that you are saying goodbye. I hope you'll reconsider.
Donald, we have all been where you are. We all know how much it hurts when our spouse does things that make us crazy. We all know what it is like to blame them for everything. We have all done it.
We are only trying to say that it doesn't do any good. It won't change anything. It won't make your life any better. It will drive you nuts. I know it did me.
When I came here and to the program, I understood a lot of things that I had never understood. It gave me a lot of peace and a lot of strength.
I hope you find your peace and I hope you decide to stick around.
Hugs - L
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
There are a million things I want to say to you, Donald, but whenever I type I can't seem to find the right words.
You say that you know that you can't fix your wife and that you know she can't fulfill your needs. So why do you give the impression that this is exactly what you expect? Your hatred for your wife leaps off the screen at me - why do you want to be in this relationship at all?
To be honest, all I hear is quacking. Are you sure you're in recovery?
Good luck. I hope you find the peace that you are looking for.
You say that you know that you can't fix your wife and that you know she can't fulfill your needs. So why do you give the impression that this is exactly what you expect? Your hatred for your wife leaps off the screen at me - why do you want to be in this relationship at all?
To be honest, all I hear is quacking. Are you sure you're in recovery?
Good luck. I hope you find the peace that you are looking for.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by donald1960
I have no expectations. None at all. My wife is incapable of fullfilling my needs. I believe she is basically a relationship arsonist. ...snip... Her being the AD of a AH and her abused past has made her incapabl of giving and recieving love on the level for which I need.
Funny thing happened to me on the way there though.
It was suggested to me that once I started owning the responsibility and consequence of my actions and past behavior, maybe, just maybe I'd find a measure of peace with myself. So in doing that work with my sponsor, I realized fairly quickly that being sober now can't possibly have any bearing on how my wife reacts to me today. That's all hers. I have no business in it, nor can I possibly affect the emotions she harbors towards me. The phrase relationship arsonist suggests the casting of blame. Just the way it sounds to me Donald. I don't know your situation, or the lived experience behind the way you feel today. But I sure get a vibe from your posts of a lack of serenity, brought along by a plate full of resentment.
And resentments, as you must know from having frequented the rooms, is something an addict can not possibly afford.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
This site was great to vent on but the feedback seemed mostly one sided.
I just wanted to reassure you that you are welcome and wanted here and I hope you'll stick around. And just keep in mind that whatever happens with your wife it's part of your higher power's plan. Best Wishes!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Donald....
You can move on ... no problem
But don't forget... where ever you go... you take yourself with you.
Now.. I know you think all your marriage problems are your wife's fault... but you gotta remember.. you picked her in the first place. And if you don't deal with the reason's why you picked her with her particular issues... your just doomed to repeat the whole scenario.
I know your angry... and anger is one step in the grieving process... but.. at least have an open mind to what everyone on here is telling you.
It's not all your wife's fault.
You can move on ... no problem
But don't forget... where ever you go... you take yourself with you.
Now.. I know you think all your marriage problems are your wife's fault... but you gotta remember.. you picked her in the first place. And if you don't deal with the reason's why you picked her with her particular issues... your just doomed to repeat the whole scenario.
I know your angry... and anger is one step in the grieving process... but.. at least have an open mind to what everyone on here is telling you.
It's not all your wife's fault.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Sorry Donald,
No pity parties here. We are focussed on our own recovery because that is where the results are. We have all been in the blame game, and if it worked, there would be people here who have that experience. You need to hold on to it longer, and that is ok. I hope that you don't have to struggle with this for too much longer. If you are looking for different answers, I am afraid you won't find them here. Good luck. Magic
No pity parties here. We are focussed on our own recovery because that is where the results are. We have all been in the blame game, and if it worked, there would be people here who have that experience. You need to hold on to it longer, and that is ok. I hope that you don't have to struggle with this for too much longer. If you are looking for different answers, I am afraid you won't find them here. Good luck. Magic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Donald,
I can't really add anything else to what everyone else has said other than your poor wife boomeranging under all that blame!
Maybe if you keep on with recovery you could keep these posts you've written and refer to them if you ever decide to do a fourth step on yourself.
Ngaire
I can't really add anything else to what everyone else has said other than your poor wife boomeranging under all that blame!
Maybe if you keep on with recovery you could keep these posts you've written and refer to them if you ever decide to do a fourth step on yourself.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
donald1960...its sad that you came here looking for help and won't accept any. If you came here expecting to hear what you wanted to hear. It just doesn't work that way. All the anger you have build up inside yourself shows in your post. It doesn't have to be that way...you know. There is help out there..but you have to be ready to change. Why do you not think at least half the blame for your marriage is your fault..marriage is a 50/50 thing..or is suppost to be? Take a step back and try to put yourself in your wifes shoes..try and walk a mile in her shoes. See what she sees..feel what she feels..
I hope you get rid of that anger inside you. You are like a firecracker waiting to explode..on the inside.
I was like that during my first marriage...took a professional to help me learn the methods of dealing and getting rid of it. So please tell the time and listen to what the people here are trying to tell you.
I hope you get rid of that anger inside you. You are like a firecracker waiting to explode..on the inside.
I was like that during my first marriage...took a professional to help me learn the methods of dealing and getting rid of it. So please tell the time and listen to what the people here are trying to tell you.
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