Need Some Support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Need Some Support
You were all so helpful to me last time and I keep rereading your posts and I'm ready to try to make that break but need some more pushing that it will be okay.
Yesterday, I found out my dog needs surgery and of course he's going to get it and is scheduled. I debated even telling AH about it as I knew what would happen but I figured better to tell him as he'd find out. I was right. He started yelling at me and it was all about me, me, me and my dumb ideas (meaning having a dog) and how I waste money. I let it blow over me as I expected it.
Unfortunately, I then had to ask if my Mother could come for a visit and he said that having my Mother around would be worse than having six of me around. I guess that says what he thinks about me.
Then various rants about me off and on until he passed out although none as hurtful.
I can't take it. I know I'm verbally abused or at least I think I am and I'm worn out.
I'm just looking to know that if I put one baby step foot in front of the other to get out of here, I can do it.
I'm so tired of everything being my fault.
Yesterday, I found out my dog needs surgery and of course he's going to get it and is scheduled. I debated even telling AH about it as I knew what would happen but I figured better to tell him as he'd find out. I was right. He started yelling at me and it was all about me, me, me and my dumb ideas (meaning having a dog) and how I waste money. I let it blow over me as I expected it.
Unfortunately, I then had to ask if my Mother could come for a visit and he said that having my Mother around would be worse than having six of me around. I guess that says what he thinks about me.
Then various rants about me off and on until he passed out although none as hurtful.
I can't take it. I know I'm verbally abused or at least I think I am and I'm worn out.
I'm just looking to know that if I put one baby step foot in front of the other to get out of here, I can do it.
I'm so tired of everything being my fault.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You are being verbally abused. Hard as it is not to take those hurtful words personally, they are really about him and not you. Everything he says about you he thinks about himself.
"Wasting money" on a beloved pet that brings you happiness vs. wasting money on booze that turns you into a nasty, snarling beast. Which one is really a waste?
And the thing about your mother is really that he doesn't want to have to keep himself in check while someone else is in the house. My ex was the same way about visitors (unless he was in that jovial drunk mood where he invited people over without telling me or it was some hobo he dragged home from the bar and invited to sleep on our couch). He doesn't want other people to see how much he drinks and to see how he treats you. Alcoholism and abuse thrive in secrecy. His whole world revolves around drinking and protecting his disease.
"Wasting money" on a beloved pet that brings you happiness vs. wasting money on booze that turns you into a nasty, snarling beast. Which one is really a waste?
And the thing about your mother is really that he doesn't want to have to keep himself in check while someone else is in the house. My ex was the same way about visitors (unless he was in that jovial drunk mood where he invited people over without telling me or it was some hobo he dragged home from the bar and invited to sleep on our couch). He doesn't want other people to see how much he drinks and to see how he treats you. Alcoholism and abuse thrive in secrecy. His whole world revolves around drinking and protecting his disease.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Verbal abuse IS abuse. I'd suggest you contact your local women's shelter and talk to an advocate about how you can safely leave the relationship.
I'd also suggest contacting a lawyer. Many of them will give you a free consultation. It's helpful to know what your rights/obligations would be if you were to divorce or get a legal separation. You should prepare to come with information about your income and expenses, your joint and separate debts, any property that you own together or separately, any retirement accounts or pensions either of you have. It doesn't obligate you to DO anything, but knowledge is power. You'll get an idea of what you would need in order to prepare to leave.
Are you employed? Do you have family you could stay with temporarily? Could you afford rent for a place to live?
I'd also suggest contacting a lawyer. Many of them will give you a free consultation. It's helpful to know what your rights/obligations would be if you were to divorce or get a legal separation. You should prepare to come with information about your income and expenses, your joint and separate debts, any property that you own together or separately, any retirement accounts or pensions either of you have. It doesn't obligate you to DO anything, but knowledge is power. You'll get an idea of what you would need in order to prepare to leave.
Are you employed? Do you have family you could stay with temporarily? Could you afford rent for a place to live?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Yes, he is verbally abusing you. I've been there and it bites. Took me a while to find my voice too, but you sound as if you are ready to make your move, good for you! No one deserves to be treated this way.
As long as he is drinking and not getting help then this will continue, nothing will change. There is also very good chance that this is who he really is even without alcohol.
My heart goes out to and I am sorry your are in so much pain. I hope you can find the courage and find your voice.
I would also suggest working on a recovery plan for yourself like counseling or Alanon.
As long as he is drinking and not getting help then this will continue, nothing will change. There is also very good chance that this is who he really is even without alcohol.
My heart goes out to and I am sorry your are in so much pain. I hope you can find the courage and find your voice.
I would also suggest working on a recovery plan for yourself like counseling or Alanon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Yes, I'm employed. I don't have any family close by. I'm trying to figure out the money situation to see if I can afford some place to live. Money is a problem because he spends it but I've been trying to put some away. Thank you LexieCat.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi kiddo... any guys on this sight put your hands over your ears.. Tell the knuckle head to sit down and shut up... I have to do that to my hubby every so often.. match him eye for eye and Eddie Lee sit down and shut up.. ahhh the Jewish yenta in me says sometimes it works and sometimes he goes into a worst rant.. I go to a spare bedroom and shut and bar the door.. not sue the size of your hubby.. but just maybe well we can wish.. hugs prayers and be safe love ardy...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TryingtoLearn....I, also, encourage you to contact your local dv center....and just talk to
them. You know, they are prepared for these kinds of calls. They exist just to help you, and I think you will find them to be extrordinarily understanding. (making the first call is usually the hardest part).
They have resources at their fingertips that would be mush more difficult to search out individually, on your own. It is all confidential.
If you want to leave...they will help you start to formulate a plan. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, however.
I suggest that you consider making a call. You have nothing to lose. Just get information, if that is what you need.
dandylion
them. You know, they are prepared for these kinds of calls. They exist just to help you, and I think you will find them to be extrordinarily understanding. (making the first call is usually the hardest part).
They have resources at their fingertips that would be mush more difficult to search out individually, on your own. It is all confidential.
If you want to leave...they will help you start to formulate a plan. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, however.
I suggest that you consider making a call. You have nothing to lose. Just get information, if that is what you need.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Thank you one and all. Ardy, it's really hard to stay quiet but I've learned that is what I must do. I just kind of zone out in my mind and let the ranting wash over me. Just very tired and worn down because I know just my being is annoying to him. And yes, I think he's a miserable, angry person whether he's drinking or not. Which is why he keeps buying things one right after the other.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
my hubby to.. . I had to but underwear and socks last week.. he wandered off in the mens department came back with an arm load of clothes for himself.. I put my couple of sock and underwear on the shelf in back of me... clerk started to run up his purchases... 158.00 he looked at me and said were are your things.. babe you have to have this . me I don't need that much.. clerk frozen in place. he went into a huge rant on why I don't shop anymore... I looked at him and said what ever you want you have to have.. and me I just pay for it.. he stopped and looked at the ladies around us.. and me in the old jeans and shirt and his old sweatshirt.. why can't you dress like them.. because kiddo I don't make that type of money and we have to dress you better.. that ended it... he told the clerk skip the sale.. she had already done it.. Ed looked at me and said where are the things you picked up.. I pointed to the shelf in back of us.. he went over and picked them up.. you should have a few more.. nope I am happy with just this.. 25.00 dollars later I have 5 pair of new socks and 4 pair of new undies.. we got home and made dinner and he went into a side bedroom where his clothes are kiddo between clothes shoes toys books and elect junk.... he just does not realize what it costs to keep him happy.. untill he looks at his lady comparing to the others around him.. I worked in Stocks and Bonds back in the 1990's pleated skirts fuzzy sweaters and high heels and hose.. I had some nice things... miss that so much.. he just does not know.. now work in mail and a dock area. jeans tennis shoes and heavy beat up sweatshirt and lunch in a bucket... miss my life of 1990 yep .. have a catalog here at work serengeti... it came with my name on it just mine.. I look thro it every so often.. my co worker used to be union shop in printing his wife is at JC Penny.. I think Margie did this for me.. just me... I can dream... kiddo you Stand Tall hold the high ground and just keep punching for so many of us.. love a silly old lady clown of Black and White wedding satin and fuzzy red hair.. ardy...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm just looking to know that if I put one baby step foot in front of the other to get out of here, I can do it.
Look at your progress so far, your here at SR and that's a positive.
Have you been to any al-anon meetings?
I think one of the most important things for you is to NOT believe his hurtfull words or accept his blame. I know it's hard not to take it personal and jump in defense mode but detaching from his words, walking away, leaving the house for a walk or ride, taking a positive approach to exit away from the abusive behavior rather then hear it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
hang tight to all of these great people security in numbers. and lots of those that have been in your shoes.. prayers ardy
Originally Posted by atalose 
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but keep moving forward.
Look at your progress so far, your here at SR and that's a positive.
Have you been to any al-anon meetings?
I think one of the most important things for you is to NOT believe his hurtfull words or accept his blame. I know it's hard not to take it personal and jump in defense mode but detaching from his words, walking away, leaving the house for a walk or ride, taking a positive approach to exit away from the abusive behavior rather then hear it.
Look at your progress so far, your here at SR and that's a positive.
Have you been to any al-anon meetings?
I think one of the most important things for you is to NOT believe his hurtfull words or accept his blame. I know it's hard not to take it personal and jump in defense mode but detaching from his words, walking away, leaving the house for a walk or ride, taking a positive approach to exit away from the abusive behavior rather then hear it.
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