growpath

Struggling...

....not with wanting a drink but with getting past self pity, ungratefulness and anger.

I slipped up the last weekend after 130 days of GROWTH. Self pity, ungratefulness and anger led me to say screw it and I drank because I just wanted silence for a moment from my thoughts.

Stupidity. I hate that I let myself go there again.

I am thankful I realized very soon that drinking was the stupidest decision I could ever make and got my bearing back.

I do not want to fall again. How do I get past this hump of self pity, anger and ungratefulness??? What can I do to avoid the above? I feel stagnant!

I am sick and tired of feeling so sad and STUCK!

I write down plans that will help me "get there". But I wont get off my arse and GO! This is so frustrating. I want growth but I am not doing a darn thing to get there!

I keep telling myself where I am now has no reflection of my future and that I have to go through hard times to come out stronger on the other end but right when I psyche myself up I am shot right back down by ME. I think I have LOST the plot and I am terrified I am not going to get it back!!!

I tell myself I am right where I am suppose to be RIGHT NOW..but what does that EVEN mean??? ....especially when all my plans have fallen apart for my life...nothing turned out like I had planned.

I compare my life 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago and see how far I have come. I see it but cant visualize the light at the end of the tunnel anymore with that same amount of time in the future!!! Its like my hope is diminishing.

This isnt me! I am usually positive and chipper. Now I feel like a depressed and angry blob.

I looked back at my old posts when I was happily sober and growing SO much. For the most part I was content with my life...a few stresses but I could still handle them knowing if I stayed sober things would improve. And I believed they would. And they did. I cant see that light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I don't want to say I am at "what's the point in sobriety" because I know if I lose that I lose HOPE in ANYTHING. I do not want to drink. I want to grow.

But, ugh. Not really sure what I am looking for here. Maybe a "I have been there" advice, a hug or a slap with a snap the heck out of it you jerk plenty people have it worse than you...

I know I am the only one who has the action required to change this hump. But I am hoping someone can offer some advice. I guess I just need a friend so I can avoid falling off again and losing focus of what goals I am trying to get to!!!

Soberwolf

Get stuck right back into your recovery Grow keep trying my friend

130 days was fantastic you can do it again identify areas where you can strenghten your sobriety

learn from it and keep on keepin on

Hugs

growpath

Thanks Wolfy.

I am going to keep fighting, friend. I will keep signing in 24 more at a time

It does feel good to get these sort of things off my chest and share with others who can relate

I like that...get stuck right back in recovery...I want it bad enough so I have to get there, I will.

Hugs back at you. xoxo

happytobealive1

I feel you! I'm close there with you in my recovery right now.

What's particularly frustrating right now? Why do you feel stuck? Where would you like to be?

The best advice I can offer is to:

1. Take a look at other factors which may be affecting your feelings about life---and by extension, sobriety---right now. Is work more stressful? Have any relationships (or lack thereof) been frustrating or upsetting lately? Is the weather more difficult? Have you been getting enough sleep/food/physical movement/sunshine? All of those (and you could add more example, I'm sure) can knock your resiliency down a notch or two, making you feel more vulnerable to your AV.

2. Talk to someone in real life about this. Therapists are paid to help people like you through rough patches like this. If you have a particularly supportive friend/family member, try talking to them about it.

3. Keep posting! Keep believing! There's a reason sobriety is built one day at a time: because thinking about anything beyond can and will drive you nuts. One slip does not mean you're going down into the pit again. You realized your mistake and you committed to not doing it again. That's all you can do.

I believe in you. I believe in your life, in your sobriety, and in the light at the end of your tunnel.

strategery

Growpath-sending lots of hugs your way.

I can relate to how you feel in that I should be this or that, should be doing x, y and z, but I'm not. Sometimes it comes down to accepting where you're at and realizing there is only so much you can do. You are moving your life forward and you're sober and back here! You should be very proud of that! AV is working OT to try to con you into drinking again. Don't do it!

Also, if you start thinking negative, start making a gratitude list. I have to do that sometimes since it's easy for me to start dwelling on the negative versus being grateful for what I have. Also, I sometimes literally have to make myself stop thinking negative and literally interrupt myself mentally with, "stop".

I am not sure how much time you have, but soberleigh has brought up volunteering. I think that could be a really great way of refocusing.

I hope some of this helps you Growpath. Keep hanging in there!!

Marcher13

growpath I know what you mean, I really do, I have been in the place that you are in.

Strategery is right on with the suggestion of a gratitude list, why don't you come over here The Gratitude List - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and have a look at some of the things we are grateful for? You might find a lot in common with us.

SR has kept me on the straight for two years. Every day I check into my Class thread and the Morning and Bedtime Gratitude threads. I've learned so much from my fellow gratees by reading their gratitude and writing my own. It switched on hope and peace, I left the turbulence behind.

You can too.

Gottalife

Life never turned out how I planned it, and I'm very glad about that. I had set my sights way too low.

Selfishness was at the heart of my problem and I didn't seem to be able to fix that on my own. When my plans feell apart, as they often did, I'd end up full of self pity and resentment. Life did not go as I thought it should which left me feeling restless, irritable and discontent, the main symptoms that nearly always preceded a relapse.mthe cycle had to be broken but how? The required power wasn't there.

Incidentally, growth seems to be a painful business. It hasn't been possible for me to grow in comfort, rather it is discomfort that brings on the growth.

NikTes

Whenever, if ever, there's a slip. There's this.

SoberLeigh

Sweet, sweet growpath - try not to forget that you are healing in mind, body, soul and spirit. It all seems to happen silently, but healing requires an enormous amount of energy. It could be that our bodies deliberately slow us down so that it has the energy to heal.

Be patient with yourself; changes and improvements will enfold gently.

'Contemplation' helped me enormously and facilitated the peeling away of the layers of my alcoholic-skin, allowing me the opportunity to examine the personal 'failures' which led me to choose alcohol as a coping tool instead of digging deep inside to find the courage and strength I possessed to deal with life.

Feeling stuck could well be the catalyst for that much needed contemplation (and possibly the proof that you are right you should be).

You are doing well, growpath. You may not be able to see it yet but have faith that you are headed in the right direction.

growpath

Thank you so much everyone!!! I have been thinking all night and this AM and have found a new place for my mind to turn.

You guys helped so much. I want to individually respond to each of you. I will. I work today then am going to spend some family time afterwards outside in the nice weather.

When I get home I will update you all and respond individually!!!

Special thanks to you all for now Love and lots of hugs all around!!! xoxo See you tonight!

Gilmer

(((Growpath)))

I just saw this.

Ruby2

Thanks for posting this growpath. I feel the same way sometimes and it's a yucky feeling. Now that I'm sober I sometimes have a mental head shake, thinking "now what?" I don't have any real answers because I'm still seeking them. So thanks for all the answers from everyone. Stuck. There's that expression I've heard "stuck on stupid." I kind of feel like that but that isn't entirely true either.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Pondering. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone Growpath. Hang in there.

Hevyn

Hi Growpath I've just been catching up & saw this.

I love the responses you have, & can only add that I went through it too. Getting sober was a wonderful miracle. I'd been so miserable and sick. I was grateful - but the feelings of unease began to surface. Mostly due to the horrific memories of things I'd said and done. I knew I'd go right back to drinking if I didn't tame those thoughts. My first year had many ups & downs - I was all over the place emotionally and very fragile. I'm not sure when or why it all changed, but I no longer berate myself for the past. Wish I had something more definitive to advise. Love you and believe in you Grow. You're going to be fine.

Anna

Just because things haven't turned out as you planned doesn't mean you aren't where you are supposed to be. You ARE right where you are meant to be, regardless of what you planned. That's life, that's the journey of recovery. We're not always sure where it will take us, but we can focus on the journey and enjoy it and not just wish for the end point.

That said, I can relate to having stagnant times in recovery, for sure. Usually it means that my subconscious is working through something and I will have a mini-breakthrough and move forward. Have faith in the process. Keep working on finding balance in your life and enjoying your days. A Gratitude Journal can be really helpful, too.

Spacegoat

Not so much 'I have been there' as I'm right here with you.

Stuck, stagnant, struggling- yep. Battle on. All the best.

HeartsAfire

Sweet, sweet Puppy. You've gotten a lot of great feedback here & I already know you've taken it to heart. I have nothing original to add but I do want to offer my support & love. I also want to give you a taste of your own medicine:

"She needed a hero so that's what she became."

"Be ok with not knowing for sure what might come next but know whatever it is...you'll be ok."

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

"We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

"...you're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you are waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go."

"That was the day she made herself the promise to live more from intention and less from habit."

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

You're a brave, courageous Puppy. I love ya lots!!

growpath

EEEKK!!! Bursting with happiness!

SR IS MY FAVORITE EVER AND POSSESSES THE SWEETEST, WISEST and MOST CARING SOULS I WILL EVER FIND AND THE ONLY ONES I WILL EVER NEED by my side.

Off to do some replies be back soon!!!!!

growpath

You're awesome Hearts!!! I like it...hit me with my own plagiarized medicine I love ya too lots!!! xoxox

this.
"...you're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you are waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go."
&
this.
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you're feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

you know I gotta add some of that 24 color too

growpath

You battle on too and if you EVER need a friend I am totally 100% RIGHT HERE, Stratman.

growpath

Anna - I read something today that made me think about EXACTLY what you said.
The light shines the brightest right after a storm. I think we have to go through dark times to really appreciate the good ones. I think those dark times make us strongest and teach us to handle life on it's terms no matter how tough it gets. That is what I think this is a growing pain that will enable me to be so much stronger when it is over. It will also enable me to be a wiser person with more recovery under my belt. Thank you so much for the reply. I admire your attitude and perception of things so much! About the gratitude....I know without a doubt that is a crucial part of my recovery and also balance.

Hev - My first reach out friend here. Thanks for the help then and now ..shoot ALL the time... I love ya too!!! You always are so helpful and seem so down to earth.
.... That's it "I knew I'd go right back to drinking if I didn't tame those thoughts".... I know EXACTLY where that last relapse came from. I was feeling sorry for myself, selfish, angry and stuck. I promised myself I would do whatever I had to avoid going back to that. I knew I had to avoid feeling that way as well if I wanted to stay stopped..... I am so glad I reached out. These responses helped more than I could ever imagine!!! It makes me feel so good to know someone like you who has this recovery bit down went through this same mess. Growing up and having the passion to be better is not an easy process (what the heck that is worth it is eay???) Nothing!!! That is why so many people keep doing what they are doing...because it comfortable..... I do know in the end when it all falls together the pain and misunderstanding at this time will totally be worth it in the long haul!!! HUGS!! xox

Ruby - It feels so good to know I am not alone. Like how stratman & happy said as well. We can get through this guys. I feel already so much better about everything. We can do this together. If you ever need a friend Ruby I am 100% here!!!! The fact that I wrote this and the fact that I am stretching my mind around these responses alone has helped already so much! We just got to keep going because the alternative is well we all know that....

((((Gilmer)))) thank you sweets!!!!