chiquen81

Let me start by saying that I made it to 30 days a few weeks ago, and on my 30th day I freaking had wine to celebrate. I had two glasses but I still had to start over. Most recently, I slipped up at a baby shower and had a mimosa and then had a bottle of wine next night after that.

So, I have this friend who knows I am in recovery and knows that I slipped. She is on vacation right now in Georgia and is sending me photos of her drinks. For one, they gave them "to go" cups and she was showing me that she got her alcohol to go on the street, which is illegal in our city. Secondly, she showed me her champagne by the jacuzzi. Thirdly, she had a raspberry sort of mojito drink and sent a photo of that saying "so refreshing!!!"

It just hurts because
-Does she know she is doing this
-She knows I am in recovery and it just seems cruel

My addiction specialist claims that she might be afraid of losing me, and as a possibly alcoholic (drinking buddy) herself she is trying to lure me back in with her. He told me he can't diagnose her, but that is what it sounds like.

Is there any thing I can say to her without her flipping out at me? I just feel as though it was insensitive to be texting me a barrage of liquor while I am gritting my teeth and in a true struggle. Is it possibly she is unaware and so used to me being an alcohol drinker that it's just second nature to her? How do I handle this type of situation? Stay quiet or confront?

Thepatman

If she is a friend she will understand if you tell her picks of her drinking is not helping you.

If you had a heart attack because of junk food, would she send you pics of bacon and deep friend chicken? Same with booze. Maybe she is under estimating the damage Alcohol does to internal organs.

Speak your mind, make your sobriety stand clear and firm.

suki44883

I agree with Patman. You don't have to confront her, but I would tell her that you would like for her to stop sending pictures of alcohol. Tell her instead to send you pictures of her and her friends/family doing something fun that doesn't involve drinking.

If she "flips out," then she's not really the friend you thought she was.

chiquen81

She won't flip out but she will tell me that I judge people and that I "project" onto others. Then she will say that I am unable to be happy for other who are having a good time.

She keeps taking photos of her boyfriend sitting around the room drinking wine in front of the fire place. Chica, if you are having that much fun why don't you put the phone down. Why are you texting me about it? Talk to him, don't text me!

Aellyce

Hi chiquen.

It may be that. Or... does she also have a drinking problem, even if unaware of it? If so, perhaps a bit of jealousy. I had experiences with both of these with an alcoholic ex, who also sent me pics of bars, drinking fests, etc after I got sober (and he knew it).

I would say do what you think serves you best, except starting to fantasize about those drinks, let alone picking up... I'm personally not a fan of silent treatment, just not my style... so I would directly tell her that it makes me uncomfortable and ask her to stop sending such pictures / talking about her partying etc. But if you think ignoring it is better for you, do so. Maybe if you always ignore these kinds of messages, she will stop... maybe. Trying to imagine myself in her place, I would actually prefer to be told in a direct way. I think it's how you tell her. Don't be angry or critical, just plain say you are working on maintaining sobriety and prefer not to receive such images because they trigger you.

In any case, don't let this affect you, just delete those messages.

Anna

I think my advice is a bit different. I would probably back away from this friend, for awhile. In early recovery I was very emotional and wouldn't have done well confronting a friend or family member about alcohol. Also, I needed ALL my energy to focus on ME staying sober.

least

I would just tell her that you're trying to stay sober and don't need pictures of her drinks. If she gets upset with you, she's not a true friend.

chiquen81

Wait, me being jealous of her? Or her jealous of me living healthier lifestyle? Sorry can you clarify. She actually goes to AlAnon once a week because her ex was a severe alcoholic. She goes to AlAnon but still drinks a lot.

Aellyce

I meant the bolded. Well, in that case, she must be able to get your preference on some level?

chiquen81

I guess my main question is, why would she keep sending me drinks in photos. I mean she knows that I wanted to go into a rehab that I got so bad, and now she's doing this...

again my addiction specialist always looks deeply into things and thinks she's trying to lure me back in...

To answer your question YES, i have not seen this friend in 2 months since i decided to get sober because she likes to drink a lot.

Thepatman

All options are not cool.

Trying to lure your back in, not good
Insensitive to your problem with Alcohol, not good
Doing it on purpose, not good

I think all above are irrelevant, I think you should introspect on why this is bothering you so much. It's causing a Trigger maybe?

chiquen81

Well yeah, first of all my friend knows I can't drink. I'd love to have wine right now, but not really, but kind of... but i'm having a sparkling flavor water. Just looking forward to not having a hangover in the morning.

It's weird because whenever I stop drinking i really really don't like this friend. I can't stand her. She overshares her life with me on vacations and while doing things. Like taking a photo of a jacuzzi with champagne on the side before you and your boyfriend are going in it, when I told her that i was suicidal because i hated being single.

But when I'm drinking, I'm just like la la she's just being HER! good old her

Aellyce

Well you are not drinking now. Right? So... tell her that you do not want to receive those kinds of pictures / messages. If she does not get it, ignore, delete the messages without looking at them etc. I did all these with my ex at some point. And he is not a bad guy or someone who wanted to sabotage me consciously... just likes to show off (his own ways) a little. And what you said: wanted to lure me back into getting together.
It sounds like you don't need that right now.

Thepatman

It's hard to accept that we can never drink normally again. Acceptance comes with time. Give yourself some grieving time.

Our friendships can change with sobriety, some will end and some will survive. Another grieving to deal with.

Lastly, sobriety, specially in early recovery needs to be a selfish period. All your energy needs to be focused on you. I enjoy it personally. I get to put myself first, and be kind to myself. Sweet deal this is!!

Keep trucking, rooting for you. Make sure you do something really cool for yourself today.

suki44883

If you don't really care for this person when you aren't drinking, then maybe you need to distance yourself from her. Many of us have had to cut certain people out of our lives in order to protect our sobriety. It doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means we have nothing in common with them anymore and sometimes they can become toxic.

NoGoingBack

I have the same type of problem with my Mother. (Alcoholic but in denial).
She is fully aware of what I have been through and knows all about my chosen route but will still flaunt drink very openly along with such comments as "ooh, this Tequila beer is lovely, have you tried it".

It's very hard to confront and now her drinking has gotten to a point where she's fallen out with other family members (her sisters have disowned her) and any excuse, she'll hit the bottle.

It's always hard to justify sobriety to someone who is drinking, but as you said, if your friend is texting you all the time instead of just enjoying her holiday then I'd suspect she's probably scared of what she sees as losing a drinking buddy.

After all, it's easier to justify the amount you're drinking if someone else is going the distance with you, right?

Think carefully but don't overthink it. You need time to recover and as Thepatman rightly said, you need time to grieve over the loss of alcohol.

You come first, be firm and maybe explain that you're having a hard time. Point your friend to some of the friends & family threads on here maybe? Surely if she's attending AlAnon then she has some idea what you're dealing with?

Above all, congratulations to you for making the decision to stop. Remember a sober day is yours forever, it can't be taken back.

chiquen81

That's what I cannot understand. It just seems like that AlAnon isn't really breaking the barrier and getting into her brain, I guess.

Sometimes I suspect that she herself is an alcoholic, however she always says "everything in moderation!" constantly. Then she'll say things like "boyfriend and I haven't had anything to drink in at least 3 weeks". Like that is some huge feat. It just leads me to believe that maybe we were close friends due to the fact they're we're both winos.

matilda123

Chiquen, I confess that my advice would be similar to Anna's: you may need to back away from this friend for awhile. As you note:

1) She knows that you are in recovery
2) She is in AlAnon, so knows what that might mean
3) You suspect she might be an alcoholic.

That #3 can be a biggie: it is very threatening to folks with a drinking problem when their friends stop drinking.

I have plenty of friends who I drank with who don't give two thoughts to the fact that I don't drink now. You may never figure out why she is doing what she is doing (although I suspect her desire to normalize her drinking is part of the answer). The more important thing is for you to surround yourself with people who support your sobriety.

Be well!

LBrain

I don't know. Why did the chiquen cross the road? I don't know.
Does it matter?
Why do lions go after the weaker in the heard? That I do know. Because they are easier prey. Stay away from the lions.

I realized I couldn't hit the thanks button more than once on Anna's reply. But that is my thought as well.

MelindaFlowers

Send her a picture of an AA pamphlet.