ulfr

Earlier on today i felt happy the happiest i ave been in a long time
Went out to my AA meeting it was raining my husband has to travel with me
he has to wait somewhere else while am at the meetings so i went to the meeting there was the person setting up then 4 other women came in
the meeting was a good meeting then it came to me talking and i made no ******* sense at all am sure they must have thought i was pissed or something
then it moved on and the rest of the meeting was fine until i had to read something i didn't have my glasses and i couldnt read it without help
i have dyslexia i use a spell checker to type with so that was that
came to go home my husband saying he was drenched the rain got into his trousers so he was standing there freezing then we had to wait for the bus two buses to get home packed my anxiety bad
got home my husband is making dinner and i feel like ****
i will not go into what i want to do with to myself but i have to stick to drink and drugs
want to drink want to have some drugs also i dont want to exist
but we cant go there

Soberwolf

(((Phoenix))) i think you beat yourself up way too much i get your anxiety is bad but you should really tell your dr/therapist about how crippling it is

I think you done great tonight stop beating yourself up your doing really well & it sounds like you have a loving caring husband special mention to mr phoenix

Its ok phoenix next time bring your glasses no one would think bad of you if anything they know your active in your recovery

more positivity less negativity my friend

ccam1973

Phoenix, just what SW said! Don't beat yourself up. Great job on going to your meeting! way to go...

ulfr

My therapist knows about my anxiety it was one of the reasons why i went to her am working on it
my anxiety has been so bad for such a long time that i cant recognize how bad it really is
my husband said i did well today... but i still feel am not hard enough on myself but i have had people say am too hard on myself before

So now am sitting here with a cup of decaff tea i feel better than i did
listening to some rock on the radio

Soberwolf

I think your doing really really well you log in you interact you go mtns give yourself a lil credit

you are active in your recovery enjoy the decaff and enjoy the rock on the radio

im not just saying your doing well to make you feel better i really think your doing great even if you dont
think so

Spk soon my friend & remember to be kind to yourself

(((Phoenix)))

RDBplus3

Hang on Phoenix..and then Hang on some more.

It was so intense for me...... I remember sharing at a meeting that I felt like Sobriety was a Stake I had driven in the Ground...and I was like a Dog that had Chained MYSELF to that Stake of Sobriety.

Somewhere between working Steps 4,5, and 6...the Miracle happened for Me, and the Obsession was lifted...gone. God did for me what I could NOT do for myself.

I maintain that Spiritual Condition now by working the Daily Steps #10,11,12.

RDBplus3...Happy. Joyous, and FREE...keep hanging in there Phoenix, I KNOW you can get FREE.

Thepatman

Try to see the bigger picture and don't be so hard on yourself, like others said.

Think about it, you are in a meeting, it is in a city, you are in a country, part of a continent, on the earth, part of a Galaxy with millions of Starts like our sun, one Galaxy in hundreds of thousands of billions galaxies.

Even If you had farted out loud in the meeting, the universe would keep going. What I mean by all this, don't waste time worrying about what people might think of you. To God, you are one of his child, that's all you should care about.

Yikes, deep and weird post for this sober fellow. LOL!

Keep your chin up, proud of you

ulfr

Am killing myself laughing here my husband is giving me weird look while he trying to play his games
and thank you for saying what you said

ulfr

I never worked the steps yet as i dont have a sponser but am looking to ask someone about it
I have problems with # 1 telling myself i cant drink at all that am powerless with alcohol i want to say i can have the first drink then stop witch i cant i need to work on that

Thepatman

Glad you laughed. It's the best medicine of all. ;-)

ulfr

thank you soberwolf
ill try and be kind to myself

Fly N Buy

Your tenacity is highly admirable!!!

Many would have given up and not gone to the meeting or left. You have a drive in you that wants sobriety - that's awesome!!!

The sun will come out, and it will get better/easier.

Proud of your efforts!! - keep it up

ulfr

thank you
just woke up still half a sleep but i need to stay up as i have a package coming in the post need to keep my ears out

Soberwolf

Me too !!

Marcher13

Phoenix one of the things I learned in sobriety was that people weren't watching/judging/criticising me nearly as much as I thought. Everyone, even those of us experienced at talking to groups, feels a little apprehension when speaking to a new group.

I'll tell you a little trick I used to tell the kids I taught who felt anxious. Breathe in for a count of three, breathe out for a count of four. Breathe in for a count of four breathe out for a count of five.

Now sit back in your chair, look forward. Drop your lower jaw as much as you can without opening your mouth. Feel the difference?

It's an easy completely unobservable thing to practice when you feel anxious.

tomsteve

I can seriously relate to that. At one time when I would. Go shopping, I would have my head down lookin at the floor. I was sure everyone was lookin a me and had an opinion I of me ad them opinions weren't very positive. I brought this up to someone one day after a meeting. He suggested I go sit down in walmart and people watch. Just sit there and see how many look my way. So I did it.
Called him after that to inform him that out of the 100 or so people that I saw only a couple made eye contact with me.
" Tom, yer important in Gods world, but yer not that important in people's world" was his reply.
Took me some time at meetings to get rid of that fear of talking a meetings, which something same man said to me:
" who read " how it works" at the meeting you went to last week?"
" hell if I remember."
" that's how long people remember what you say."

tomsteve

Here's a little from the bb:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.

FreeOwl

yeah.... it happens. it's OK to feel like crap and it's OK that sometimes we feel like we're just not all together....

I'd suggest just looking yourself in the eye and saying "It's OK."

Then let go, move on. Ask yourself what you can do in the moment to simply BE.

We've all felt this way at times.