JKSGRL

Hi guys –

I have been reading people's threads for quite some time now and finally decided to post seeking clarity. I am sure that I already know the answers but I guess I am more or so looking for support and advice.

Here is the deal, I'll try to sum it up to get it going.

I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 1/2 years with an alcoholic. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone and I would love to have a REAL life with him however I never make the move to be with him because of his lifestyle. His treatment when he is binging is really hurtful and uncalled for, I know I don’t deserve this but somehow the nice, charming guy comes back just when I'm ready to be done with it. There is also a lot of guilt when trying to break things off because of his situation.

I am crazy about him, yes, but I am smart enough to not go live with him as is but I can't let him go and I know I should because what is the point of being 1500 miles away from someone and going through so much pain?

I bought him a plane ticket to come see me last Thursday and he missed the flight because he was drunk and passed out....this has not been the first time this has happened. Of course he promised once again he would never, ever hurt me like that again....and he did....AGAIN.

I told him if he pulled this, I would have to be done, but of course he is trying to suck me back in. How can I let go?! His promises to get sober and keep sober never stick and yet I can’t seem to give up hope for this man, he really is an amazing man but very, very troubled and lost. Should I just cut my losses? Should I TRY to at least have a real life with him? His health issues are no joke and I fear he won’t be around for a very long time. This pulls at my heartstrings because I am so in love with him and wonder, do you dismiss the awful parts of this disease and go be with the one you love no matter what or is it time to move on and heal?

suki44883

Should I just cut my losses? Yes, your losses now are nothing like what they will be if you continue.

Should I TRY to at least have a real life with him? No, you can't have a real live with him. He is an addict and that means more to him than anything, including you.

His health issues are no joke and I fear he won’t be around for a very long time. This pulls at my heartstrings because I am so in love with him and wonder, do you dismiss the awful parts of this disease and go be with the one you love no matter what or is it time to move on and heal? He is an adult and if he needs medical help for health issues, he knows what to do. You cannot help his addiction any more than you can help his health issues.

This man is not relationship material. He has major issues and in addition to those, he couldn't be bothered to stay sober enough to use the plane ticket you bought for him. His promises mean nothing. You deserve better.

Morning Glory

I had to let go of a man I was crazy about. I stayed away for 5 years and then we became good friends for 20 years until he died. I really valued his friendship from a distance. He drank until he died. The 5 years allowed me enough distance to detach and form a different kind of relationship that really worked.

Leaving will cause pain, but staying just to avoid the pain is not helpful in the end. It can go on for years and then you just get older and you let good years go by waiting and hoping for something that might not happen. I lived many years with only having hope and I woke up one day and realized I was emotionally bankrupt. I hadn't had any "real" life. I will never forget that day. I had just put my son out in the rain and cold because he was threatening me. I was just sitting in my kitchen listening to him ring the doorbell. He was so cold. I felt so guilty and turned my own heater off.

Something in my heart just turned off that night. I could feel it just shut down. I think that was the night I let hope go and realized I needed to live in today. I shorted myself thousands of todays hoping for tomorrow. I don't want to ever waste another day with hope. I now accept today just as it is and try to pull in any good I can find. Tomorrow I will begin again. I don't accept anything forever. I accept what is real in my today.

I know it's really hard when you love and care for someone.

JKSGRL

Suki44883 & Morning Glory, thank you so much for your advice. Morning Glory your story made my heart hurt because I know what needs to be done and the pain that will follow. To have insight from people like you guys, is so valuable! I really have no one else is my life that has addiction issues or understands it so when I try to open up, well the advice just doesn't come from a place of knowledge and compassion. They want to compare it to "normal" relationships and it's by far the norm.

Today I finally spoke to him on the phone after trying to ignore him and getting several, "I'm sorry, I'll do anything to make up for it, things are going to change, I promise...." texts.
I never thought a word like PROMISE would become such a painful word for me. It's taught me the importance of using that word. I only ever use it if I really, really mean my word because I know how cruel it is to have promises broken.

Anyways I was floored but also not so surprised that when we finally had that conversation, he was rude, condescending and nonchalant about what he had done. It's never his fault or somehow it becomes mine. In the past I was weak enough to actually start believing this and begging for his apology, ugh so pathetic. I started reading “co-dependent no more” and what an eye-opener. I thought I was the sane one, I surely believed I had common sense and hadn’t been as blind as that, but boy was I wrong! I quickly realized in 3 years his crazy became my normal. His crazy brought out my crazy and I didn’t even acknowledge it! I believed I was a smart girl but now, reading these forums and that book, well I see the cycle, I see the patterns of addicts and I understand that nothing will change and even if it does, it won’t be while I am still in his life enabling him.

The last thing I told him was that I do love him but I’m sick and tired of the ****** ways he has treated me. Maybe someday when you learn to appreciate me, we can talk, until then take good care of yourself. He hung up on me and hasn’t contacted me since. It’s not surprising, been through it a million times but I need to separate myself completely and I need to have no contact for a long, long time if ever again. I need to heal. The thing about this man is he can so easily go from being the cruelest, uncaring person to the most loving, positive, romantic person. Our relationship can go from being the best thing in my life to the worst thing in my life in only a small matter of time, over and over again. So after finally stopping the denial and trying to understand his alcoholism….it’s only now I realize it won’t get better and I do deserve to be happy. Like you said Suki44883 “He is an addict and that means more to him than anything, including you.” I think I always knew that, it’s just only now I am learning to ACCEPT it.

I hope to stay strong, but it’s easier now that I have a support system like this and reading that book and I have my first therapy session on April 1st, so I am finally trying to rid of the relationship and move forward. Hearing him on the phone, the tone of his voice, the way my heart fell to my knees with disappointment all over again, I couldn’t help but hear those same damn words just in a very different way. It no longer made me cower and beg for his forgiveness and attention, it just made me sad because it HAS to be over. I HAVE to let go of someone I love and had so much hope for, I have to let go of the dreams I had for us and find new ones….it’s refreshing in one sense but very, very heartbreaking in many other ways.

Thank you again for your advice. I continue to welcome it while I am on this journey!

Morning Glory

I'm really sorry it's so painful.

It's hurts like a death, but we know we still have a choice to prevent the pain.
Making the choice to experience the intense pain because you know its the right thing to do for yourself is difficult and very brave.

JKSGRL

Thanks Morning Glory! It hasn't been as painful as I initially thought. I guess I found my breaking point and finally got that it was time to move on with my life. It's actually been a relief, I don't have to ride with the roller coaster anymore. I realize it was actually way more painful to stay in the relationship then to leave. I have gone silent for 3 days now. He sends a few texts every day but of course it's never an apology and he just doesn't get it. Probably doesn't take me seriously because of the past, it still boggles my mind that he doesn't see how badly he has treated me and doesn't understand why I am not contacting him back. He even had his best friend reach out to me.

Is it even worth responding? I am assuming not much will change in 3 days anyways. And I just can't go back to the way things were, I still feel a bit guilty for going no contact and of course I still love him and wish it could be different, but this last time he broke my heart again, I think it finally pushed me over the edge. That he wasn't even that remorseful was even more painful and was a big wake up call.

I mean I don't even know what I would say, he keeps trying to text this morning wondering if I am ok, but I feel like I was pretty clear in our last conversation that I was done. I feel like if I say anything at all right now that I will just get sucked right back in and I don't want that.

Suggestions?

Morning Glory

I think you will do better with no contact.
It's really easy to get sucked back in.

FeelingGreat

hi JKSgirl, he's probably drunk when he texts. No contact seems like the right thing to do.

JKSGRL

Thanks guys, I know you are right, it still stings from time to time and I have weak moments of missing him but I eventually snap out of it. Yes he is drinking again....he is trying the "whoa as me, I'm drinking again, I'm going to die" texts. It used to get to me, but the pity and guilt I used to feel is just not there anymore. I didn't think I'd ever get to that point. It's not that I am not sympathetic to his addiction and issues but he is not doing ANYTHING to make it better, it only gets worse and I cannot tolerate being a doormat anymore.

After he missed the flight, he ended up in the hospital the next day. He has only been out for a couple days and is already back to drinking. He was just in ICU for drinking a month ago....I know it's pretty hopeless anymore and I know responding won't do anything but drag me back into a vicious cycle. The last 3 days have been painful at times but mostly I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I wasn’t really living life. I was so caught up in him and “our dreams”, that I couldn’t see how hopeless it really was. I got good at believing he was different than other addicts and it would change, I justified all of his bad behaviors because I was desperate for a life with him but it’s time to get real. The life we dreamed together would probably never happen, I imagine it would probably be a miserable existence. To have a relationship 1500 miles apart is one thing, but to actually live in the day to day of it is another. I’m glad I followed my instincts and never moved there.

You know there is still this sad little part of me that is hopeful he can change it all around but I doubt that will be the case. He has lost his job, his home (he’s living with his parents), most of his friends and his son pretty much wants nothing to do with him. He has hit his rock bottom and then some and yet he keeps doing it. I am not doing any good for myself or for him by remaining in his life.

He keeps saying he is going to buy me a ticket to come see him to make up for it. That’s the only thing that tempts me to break no contact. Because you know, I miss him and I miss the feeling I have when we are together, I never felt something so strong and powerful but I have certainly gotten to a point where that isn’t worth all this pain. Being distant, not seeing him for a while has helped me move on faster but darn it I wish you could just turn off your heart in these cases!

He tells me that if we actually lived together things would be different, I know that probably sounds like horse s**t but when we are actually together, everything does seem so wonderful. Am I fooling myself into thinking that living together would change things? I know I sound really naïve for saying that but well I am sure you know the wistful hope of loving someone. And I guess I just need to hear from people who actually went through it and give me their perspective. I imagine no matter how good we are together that it won’t outweigh the negatives of being with an alcoholic.

Morning Glory

It sounds like you are feeling a little bit worse today.

Being around someone who is drunk all the time is very difficult.
I realized the real person wasn't even there with me. Alcoholism is also progressive.
It only gets worse if they continue drinking. It never gets better until they stop and that is really shaky for at least a couple of years.

Being in the ICU and then drinking so soon after is a real sign he is deep into alcoholism. So is living with his parents after losing his home and job.

There is no simple fix for this. There is no fix that's in your control no matter where you live or what you do. I'm sure his parents have tried to help and the hospital probably gave him referrals. If you separated your pain from your logical thinking what would you do? How much time are you willing to give away hoping for something different? Would you be able to live in this relationship just as it is or would you be living in hope waiting for a better tomorrow?

FeelingGreat

Hi JKS, he's a long way down the A path from what you've posted here. It sounds like he's been able to hold off for short periods while you've been physically present, but there's virtually no chance he could keep it up if you were actually living together.
It's really difficult to stop drinking, speaking from experience, and he's got to want it desperately. Want it enough to do it without you being there.
I feel really sorry for him, but it would be insanity for you to expect a normal relationship with him at the moment.
I would worry about you falling for the ticket to go to him, but it won't eventuate.
I promise you that the worse it gets for him, the more incentive he'll have to stop drinking. It's no guarantee, but it's his best chance.

JKSGRL

Thank you FeelingGreat and Morning Glory for your insight and advice, I really do appreciate it. It helps to hammer it into my brain and keep moving forward. Love is a beautiful thing but it's unfortunately not enough when making the choice to have a real life with someone.

I love him intensely, always will, I see who he is past his addiction and it’s wonderful but yes I continue to believe it's time to move on and continue no contact. I know by now it goes right back to where it was and that has obviously not been working. It's driving him insane, the messages are crazy but I know eventually they will fade away. I was just never ready for that before. I knew that if I walked away, he would just move on and that hurt too badly, I wasn't ready to let go and admit the only real reason this relationship has continued on is because I kept it going for the most part.

I’ll always have hope for him and a silent hope for us, but I do know by now that I am not helping the situation and he is not going to get better anytime soon. He has tried everything several times over and he still won’t admit that he needs more help and needs to stick with it. Each time he is in the hospital, he says it scares the hell out of him, he needs to make a change, he’ll get better, blah blah blah, every time he comes out he usually does gets better, I build hope again only to have them dashed once more. It was painfully exhausting, I stopped caring about myself and my life.

When we started seriously looking at places to live 3 months ago, he had been sober for over 90 days, had a good job, was happy, healthy, optimistic so I really, really trusted that this was our new life and it was going to finally happen, then he relapsed because apparently I wasn’t trying hard enough to move there faster. I was devastated but 3 months later he continues to binge drink only stopping because he has to be hospitalized, he has no interest in rehab and still believes he can get it under control, I’m convinced he will just continue until he dies. I can accept that he struggles with addiction but I still have a choice in whether I am a part of it. We have no real ties, no children, no financial ties, we’re not married, it’s better I walk away now. I understand that it is a dodged bullet and just an indication that he was not ready, probably never will be and I did everything I could but leave the relationship so now is the time for that.

So that’s where I am at and truthfully I am ready. I have gone through this whole scenario too many times never before, I was never emotionally or mentally prepared to move on but well I don’t know something really clicked within me this last time when he didn’t get on that plane. If he can’t handle going on vacation with me, then how in the he** would he ever handle a real life with me?????!!!

I see the light….I wish him all the best, but just from a distance. It’s time to get myself back. Damn shame though, it could have been great but addiction is a b**ch I no longer want to mess with!

Morning Glory

The same something will have to click within him for him to reach out for help.

This helped me a lot when I first came for help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

Morning Glory

Here is another good one.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

JKSGRL

Thank you so much for that link Morning Glory, it was divine intervention because I almost caved. He was sending messages saying he is ready to stop drinking for good and he is going to start taking his meds again.....I was thinking one little text won't hurt, perhaps I tell him that it’s good that he is coming around again and willing to get back on track but I hesitated and read that link you suggested first. When I finished reading the link a text came through asking me to help him out, that if I send money for the meds he promises he'll never ask me for another thing and he’ll get his **** together....REALLY??!!!!

Sorry I don’t believe that at all, I believe it would all go to booze. Ugh it hurt because even after all that has happened, he still has no problem trying to convince me to send him money. I know it’s addiction and I can’t take it personally, I know that I have to take responsibility for allowing that sort of behavior in the past but it can still hurt the heart and it’s VERY frustrating. I am really trying to understand the alcoholic mind but I certainly do not feel like I should accept it!

I'm thinking it's best to block his number at this point so I just can't see what's coming through. I thought I could handle it and that at least I knew how he was doing, but why?! I am not willing to further this relationship knowing what I know now, I commend people who are that committed to adjusting and doing all the work to keep a relationship with an alcoholic tolerable but I want more and better out of my relationships and my life.

I almost got right back on that merry go round! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LINK. I will continue to be strong and keep educating myself!

greeteachday

Blocking his number sounds like a really good idea.

Morning Glory

I will never understand the alcoholic mind, but I have learned to interpret the language. A request with a promise after it is always a red flag. Then there is "If you don't help me (fill in the blank)". I think the crying and depression is very real for them, but they are not willing to take responsibility for fixing the problems. They want to just dump it all on us so we can carry it all for them. Eventually it all becomes too heavy for us to carry.