laley25

Me and my fiancé began dating a year and a half ago. His mom set us up and pretty much "sold" what a great guy he is. Immediately after we began dating he told me he had a heroin addiction after high school but he has been clean since. He assured me I have nothing to worry about and that he was fine. 3 months after dating he moved in with me and 3 months after that he proposed to me in front of our family and friends. He got a job at the state prison as a corrections officer and we began to plan our wedding. Life was perfect. During wedding planning our mothers began fighting. I caught his mom sending presents to his ex girlfriend (he thought he had a kid with her, he didn't. long story and long breakup). She was addressing presents to her from him. When we found out we asked her and she said she just needed closure etc. I was understanding and tried so hard to not be upset. After a few more incidents I had to eventually talk to her myself and tell her I didn't appreciate it. It was a good talk and I set those healthy boundaries. Over time our moms feud got worse. It got so bad that we found ourselves fighting constantly while trying to protect our mothers. I believe this was his breaking point. Around Christmas he told me he was using painkillers. I told him we would work through it. We made a plan for him to detox at home because he didn't want to go to rehab (he insisted he could do it at home). During this time I was supportive. I didn't smother him or expect much from him. I made him comfortable in our bedroom, with tv, fluids, and anything else he needed. I spent the next few days in the living room making sure to keep my distance but still be there if he needed me. After about a week he said he was feeling better. I knew it wasn't long before it would happen but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just two weeks later, the entire story unraveled. I asked him to go pay the landlord rent and when I got home from work he said he needed to talk to me. He told me he was using again and that he needs some serious help. I took this as a HUGE sign that he wanted sobriety. I told him we needed to talk with his parents and set it up for him to leave to rehab. When we talked to his parents all I heard was "what about your job?" and "you can detox at home". The conversation turned bad. They began babying him. They told him he could come home with his mom and that he needed his parents. I still was supportive. He left my house the next morning and stayed with his mother. I checked our bank account, we had a negative balance AND we were a month behind in our bills already. I got statements from the bank and realized the extent of his addiction. I reacted badly by going to his moms and screaming at him. I hit him and threw the statements at him in anger. I took his card (so he wouldn't have a way to pull money from the ATM) and left. The next day his parent took him to his work, made him change his direct deposit, and get a new bank account that only HE has access to. When he came home I was livid towards his parents. He assured me he was just scared I was gonna leave him and he needed to protect himself. Fine. This week I asked him to transfer his check to our joint account so I can pay the rent again. When I checked there was $700. He usually makes at least $1,000. I asked him and he said his checks were just low because he hadn't worked so much. I decided to test this. I left our money in the account and held back from spending anything. We ate out twice and ordered red box movies. He was paid on Thursday, and on Tuesday he told me there was only $250 to go towards our rent. I called the payroll department to see how much money he was ACTUALLY paid and turns out he made $970. Yesterday while I was working an hour away from town my mom called me and told me she saw him in his car with some guy parked at the library. She waited and got video and photos of the drug dealer and the sell. I found a straw under his car seat and Im guessing he is counteracting the pinned eyes with cocaine??

During the exact time that she's telling me whats happening, he's texting me that he loves me.

I have decided that tomorrow Im changing the locks, taking my name off our joint account, and nicely packing his belongings and taking them to his parents. His mom tells me constantly that I haven't been supportive and all I care about it the money. She told me that she doesn't know why her son decided to propose to me and that I was selfish. His parents are enablers and constantly help him. His mom will lie to be about where he is and who he is with. She makes excuses for him as to why he is over an hour late coming home. During this time he has become mean and horrible to me. When we fight he tells me things about how I perform sexually, what I don't do around our house, how I don't provide and basically how I would be nothing without him.

I guess Im asking for advice. I need support. Or I need somebody to tell me that Im an ******* for leaving him. ANYHTHING. I don't know if Im helping him by leaving him or if I should continue to work with him through this. What do I do?

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, laley; I am very sorry for what brings you here.

There is also a Friends & Families of Substance Abusers forum here at SR:

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Soberwolf

Welcome Laley its nice to meet you be sure to get extra support from the friends & family link leigh provided aswell as here

doggonecarl

Just what you are doing. Leave him. Don't listen to his addict quacking, do not contact his mother.

Chaos has entered your existence. You must excise it completely from your life.

Good luck.

laley25

Thank you for the link. I posted the same thing in that forum as well. Truth be told I just want perspectives from anyone addict or not. My heart is so heavy and I need perspectives from people that don't know either of us. Thank you.

tate9685

LEAVE the relationship. You don't need the drama and chaos. You sound like a caring person, but now is the time to care for YOURSELF.

Yazzylove

Honestly truth be told! Nobody can really tell you what to do as we are not in your shoes and you are pretty emotional right now! Take a breather and just quietly reflect on what is the best choice for your life! By the sounds of things it looks bad! And of course everyone will tell you to run!! But what do YOU want?

Tonks

You're in a bad spot and have really no option other than to take measures to salvage your own well-being.

Welcome to our community. You'll find endless stories of similar experiences to yours as well as an amazing wellspring of support. Use it.

BlindsidedBetty

I am so sorry for your pain. You already have all the answers, you just need the strength to carry through. Some recommend playing this story out until you can visualize the ending you know awaits you if you decide to keep being a part of his story. Your post shows lots of clarity and wisdom. I have faith in you.

laley25

He makes me feel like I'm crazy. He wont's stop telling me he loves me. I feel it in my gut..he knows I'm going to leave but he's trying to make me feel quilty.

Soberwolf

I think you know what to do have you got family you can stay at or a truusted friend ?

this is not your fault (((Laley)))

laley25

maybe I should have mentioned both my dad and brother are recovering addicts. I know how this goes. I know my feelings towards this. Ive never had to go through it with somebody I'm IN love with rather than somebody that will always be in my family whether I like it or not. I used drugs from high school into my first two years of college. I stopped one day and never turned back. I am stable and strong minded. But now Im so strong minded that I don't know how to feel about this situation. I know my own past with drugs and the destruction it caused my family with my brother and dad. Again, Ive never had to go through it with somebody I'm IN love with rather than somebody that will always be in my life.

Ruby2

My husband is an addict. The whole story you told sounds painfully familiar. You are NOT crazy and you are NOT a jerk for leaving him you are saving yourself. His family is or appears to be trying to get you to substitute yourself for them in the ongoing saga of who takes care of him. In staying and allowing him access to funds? Leaves you open to all sorts of problems. This will only get worse. I'd cut my losses and run. My husband promises he loves me. He promises he will change, but actions speak louder than words. I started believing all the junk I was told and my self esteem hit rock bottom. Don't believe him. Don't believe what your fiancé tries to sell you. It's almost completely manipulative garbage. Please take care of yourself. I could go on and will check back later as I'm typing on my phone and can't see. Check out the forum for family and friends of substance abusers. There will be a lot of supportive people there. I think I read somewhere that addicts don't have families, they have hostages. So true

Ruby2

If you dealt with this in your own family you know what it's like growing up with it if you decide to have kids. I'm an alcoholic and relatively stable and strong minded. I think that makes it harder. We want to believe we can rise above it all. But it tends to drag me down and the level I was willing to accept kept getting lower and lower.

BlindsidedBetty

Maybe it's not your "crazy" making you crazy....maybe it's your sanity, your value systems, your clear understanding of right and wrong....and its fighting off his/their crazy, giving you one heck of a thrashing because his crazy has you in its grips. Never ignore your internal compass. All choices have consequences, and good intentions are irrelevant.

laley25

I just got back from the bank. I got the statements showing me when and where he has ATM transactions. He has a crap load of transactions to a local gas station but I'm trying to find out if they do cash back options. If so then that explains his many trips to the station. I took my name off the account incase he borrows money against his account. yesterday we literally had 11 dollars. Today we have 40 cents. I went to walgreens and bought a drug test. I took off from work tomorrow and Im going to pack his belongings. Im gonna call his dad around 3:30-4 to ask him to meet at his house. I won't tell his dad now because he will give him a warning. Im gonna take his stuff there and wait till he's off from work. When he's out his dad will tell him to go over and when he shows up I have a drug test and the statements. If he deny's the test then thats an obvious but I believe he's using cocaine to hide his pinned eyes so if he takes the test it'll clear up that. Regardless I am leaving. He knows something is wrong because he's been extremely clingy and lovable and he doesn't do that normally. I think he's trying to persuade me somewhat that he loves me but enough is enough.

Jillian2563

So if you're leaving either way, why the drug test?

laley25

1.Because I know he's going to say he was just giving his friend a ride yesterday
2.So his parents can possibly recognize he has a problem if he denies taking it
3.Because his parents are naive and in denial and this is the only way they can psychically see he is not clean otherwise they would still blame me

BlindsidedBetty

I can't imagine how painful this must be. I am so very sorry. You don't need another round of bank statements and a false or positive drug test to tell you what you already know. What you knew at Christmas, maybe even before. Please work on your own recovery from this. Focus on getting you better. Peace.

calikidd

Wow that is alot for anyone to go thru I can tell you, I can tell you be there for him when you can, and you have to take care of your self, if you do not then you will not be able to be there for him