Butterfly

So it's one year today since he walked out and I'm struggling with staying off .the crazy train of why, how and remembering the things he said and promised. Today I want to curl up in a ball in bed, but I won't, I have plans to go into town with my mum.

Here's the thing I don't know but I think it's fear keeping me where I am, fear that kept me in a marriage to someone who couldn't be the type of husband I wanted and needed the type of father the kids wanted and needed, what we deserved.

I keep thinking back to the time I did ask him to leave because I was so unhappy, but didn't know why. I think I wanted him to fight for me, for us, I think I've always wanted that from him, but he didn't. His drinking got worse, he began to take drugs and associating with old friends who Ive talked about before and I felt responsible so we began to try and work things out, although we didn't really never dealing with the underlying issues, when he came home I even agreed that he could drink in the house, just so he would come home something I had said many years ago couldn't happen. I was scared, scared of being on my own, that I wasn't enough or good enough for him, he started going out again with them or to their house and would never invite me, I thought it was because I was boring and began thinking about when we first met and he went out all the time, without me, was it because I was boring. We were at a family wedding and he was drunk, I can't remember how the subject came up but he said "your a bore" that really hurt especially as he knew this was a fear of mine, he did apologise and say he was only joking.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I know I do this, what I'm trying to say is that despite his drinking escalating and taking drugs again, he had these friends and I felt that I had no one, that I was alone, I'd lost so many good friends through my own fault of not wanting to be away from him, thinking as I worked so much I needed to spend all my free time at home with him, maybe this was me trying to control him, but I can't remember if his drinking was bad before I asked him to leave, or if this was a time when he was sober. I know my controlling became bad when he came home and was still drinking with these people. I even wanted him to invite me out with his friends, even though I hated them and I hated him when he was drinking because of who he presented to be but I still would have went. He had them at our home one night but wouldn't invite them again, as apparently I had made a fool of him over my reaction to a photograph.

Someone in alanon said to me the reason he didn't go out drinking with you was because he couldn't drink how he wanted, he had to control it. Not sure if that's true, I know if we did have a drink together in the house or he was drinking he drank slower around me until I went to bed, if we did go out he wanted to come home early as he would have felt anxious, probably as he couldn't get drunk, to manage his anxiety.

I thought if he came home I was good enough and that he wanted me and I was more important than these friends, obviously I have realised it was the drinking that was important and protecting it. His time away had re awakened his addiction.

Fear it has kept me with someone who preferred drink and did what ever was required to protect it, fear is still keeping me attached, hoping he will wise up and sort himself out, fear of being on my own and having to start over, fear that I've reached splint in my life where I should be settled and I'm not im on my own.

Sorry complete ramble, trying to make sense of things and I'm not doing a great job, it's all running round in my head.

FeelingGreat

Well B, you've made a lot of progress over the year, and you've worked hard at it so congratulations.
Your AH is doing you a big favour by going NC, and I'm sure you'll find your recovery speeds up now. You'll gradually learn to detach and even move on.
You've done so well; give yourself a pat on the back and maybe a new hairdo

Butterfly

When I have a bad day, I still come back to its because of me he went no contact, because I hassled him for answers, to get support, to get sober and come home and because I did something so wrong that he would just ignore me and treat me this way, can't get my head out of this way of thinking some days.

BUT

when I'm feeling good I think he can't face me or deal with what he's done, he wants to avoid dealing with things and having contact with me forces him to think about things he'd rather not, so it's easier to just ignore me, keep drinking to block everything out, I don't know I could be wrong, but I know that's his issue that at some point he may or may not have to deal with.

FeelingGreat

Good days....bad days....I know exactly how you feel! If only we could bottle the good days. I bet the good days start to increase from now on.

Butterfly

Me too, I think I'm reaching a point where I just want the mediation over with and the divorce finalised now to the point were I would agree to his lies as long as he agrees to keep paying for DS should he go onto university just to get it over with

DoubleDragons

Butterfly, yesterday when you were helping MissBizzita, I was thinking to myself, "Wow, Butterfly has come so far. She sounds so strong and confident now. She is being incredibly helpful to MissB." I just wanted you to know that. I am sorry you are having some low moments, but my impression is that you have come very far!

happybeingme

Butterfly, I think you get over the fear when you accept reality that your thinking was off. This man is not worthy of you. YOU are much better than him. There is nothing about him that is special. Just a drunk who is slowly destroying himself.

Maybe you are a bit shy or quiet. It doesn't make you a bore it makes you someone who is probably a deep thinker, someone who enjoys small intimate gatherings. Sounds like the kind of person I like.

Be good to yourself. Love, accept and celebrate who you are. Your life will become so beautiful when you do.

knowthetriggers

Tight hugs Butterfly, I am sorry you are hurting.

I posted this a few weeks back on Fear:

Forgetting Everything is AlRight.

We are here to support you on the good and bad days.

CodeJob

Hello Butterfly,

For me, i identified my fears with a counselor as well as working step 4 with a sponsor. I was surprised how much of my family history and childhood were the actual base of my fears. My fears about my marriage were just a slightly more adult version of fear of abandonment.

Identifying them is the first step in dealing with them. Even though it was at times difficult, it was useful to see how fears of abandonment were one of my big triggers.

Your A couldn't hack being a responsible and loving partner to you or his children. He consistently chose to use rather than be present in your family's life. There is something broken inside him. it never had anything to do with you. No matter what he said.

Hugs.

LexieCat

As everyone says (and I've been saying), you will have good days and bad days. Soon the good ones will way outnumber the bad.

I agree, you've come a long, long way from the early days. Keep it up with your meetings--you need to be hearing validation from many corners right now. You're gonna be OK.

Hawkeye13

I do also see so much progress--please be patient

Also, I really think it would be a mistake to agree to his lies to just get the divorce finished quickly.

There is power in truth, and letting his dishonest narrative become the "official reality" of your relationship is dishonoring what you went through,
and the many compromises and sacrifices you endured to keep your family together and get your kids raised.


I think you should be truthful for yourself, and exit the marriage in honesty.
This may sound strange but I think it will be helpful to you as you allow so many truths to come forward in your life.
I know I've also been pushing for this because you are entitled to pension from him for the many years you stayed home,
and I also think that is something you should honor yourself with if you are entitled to it.

Taken as a whole,
this is all part of the package I see as "Butterfly taking care of herself and honoring herself.
She is worthy and deserves the same kind treatment she offers to others."

FeelingGreat

Honey, hold your nerve. He has to pay the uni fees anyway, or at least his share of them. The thing is, deliberately misleading the court is very serious. Talk to your lawyer before you do anything like that. You don't need to deal with him, leave it to her.

hopeful4

Butterfly, you are coming to a lot of realizations. You have a bad habit of wanting to blame yourself, but I can see that changing. I am so very proud of you my friend!

XXX

ardy

what Double Dragons said .. in spades.. prayers Butterfly and a bunch of love from so many.. Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and keep Punching love ardy...

SparkleKitty

For me, overcoming fear was not an event but a process.

The more choices you make towards Butterfly, the more investment you make in yourself, the more you move away from fear-based behaviors and decisions. You are doing really well, but don't put a deadline on your recovery or you will only set yourself up for disappointment.

FireSprite

Fear, I understand. The hard part is identifying WHY you feel that way. What events led to it, what is missing/overabundant inside of you that gives it room to grow?

Fear is personal, we choose to carry it & we have to choose to heal it. Sometimes it's easy to understand where it comes from & sometimes it's the result of a lot of little stuff that, separately, doesn't seem like much but together - wrecks your mental process.

I talk to myself sometimes & ask myself about this stuff.

Are you going to go YOUR WHOLE LIFE being afraid, Fire? Are you afraid of change or is it more about not being able to control the results? If now is not a good time to tackle this fear then.... when? When WILL it be a good time? I'm in my 40's now so when, Fire? In your 50's? 60's? WHEN do you want to fix this? Never? If I get hit by a bus on my way home tonight will I regret that I was too afraid to take chances? Will I be that old woman, in my late 80's, rocking in a chair on a porch spending my days wishing I had faced my fears decades earlier so that at that point in my life I have memories to celebrate rather than regrets for all the things I didn't try?

I agree with everyone, you ARE growing Butterfly & this is all part of the process.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I did get up and go out today and I've just thought a few months ago I would have cancelled, laid in bed and cried.

Lexie, when I was posting I could hear you saying now don't be hard on yourself when you have a bad day you will have them, and yes I will but I suppose it's how I handle them that's important.

Hawkeye and feelinggreat, I hear what your saying about holding my nerve just feeling that I want to be free of him and all I want is for him to continue to provide financial support for DS if he goes to uni and he lives at home and of course pay half of any unit fees. I just want to move on with my life but I know what your saying and your right!!

Codejob, happy, and knowthetriggers, and sparklefear has always been an issue for me, making decisions, fear or abandonment is a biggie, fear of so much and I need to work through these. This is actually what I've identified with my counsellor as what I want to work on next, it's a scary thought.

Doubledragons hopeful and ardy thank you so much, you know I have these realisations but then never know what to do with them!!

happybeingme

Good for you. Fear or not you are still putting one foot in front of the other. Excellent.

freetosmile

Butterfly,

I just want to second, third, and fourth everyone's comments on how much you've grown!

Having said that, I feel like the fear ( which is where we are used to living) will begin to dissipate the more we DO for ourselves. The more positive results we see from choices we have made on our OWN behalf, the more those choices become easier to make, ya know?

My T told me yesterday that in codependency we first are subconsciously unaware and consciously unaware, then we move to subconsciously unaware, but consciously aware ( we are on the look out for our own codie behavior), then we become subconsciously aware and consciously unaware... Which is where we are making good choices for ourselves without even realizing or having to work super hard for it. That's where I want to be, and that's where YOU are headed.

This fear will subside, I just know it. At some point we won't even think twice about it!

Hugs to you girlie!!

Hawks

Ya know, reading that is very similar to reading the thoughts of someone still obsessing over how they can manage and control their addiction to a substance.

Except in this case, it's a person.

Read step one of Alanon and read your post again.

Seems you haven't quite conceded that first step.

If alcohol was your thing, the above would pretty much be a "relapse" back to the obsession that "this time I'll control it, this time it's gonna be different "

But it never is.