emma5920

hi there, I am new to this website! I don't want to come across as self indulgent and selfish by posting this but I need help desperately as I believe I have hit rock bottom and have only just come to realise this, even though my cycle of binge drinking and blacking out each time I go out has continued for a while. I wake up every morning after a night out not knowing who I was with, how I got home or whether I did anything completely stupid the night before. But I'm addicted, I use alcohol to take me away from my sober problems and put me in a fantasy world where suddenly my problems seem less significant and I am outgoing and lively. Once I start drinking, I can't stop.

I think it all stemmed from when I was spiked at a club 3 years ago, when I used to be able to control my alcohol intake. That night I was unfortunately raped and ever since then alcohol seems like an escape, something that is there for me to help deal with what happened. Even though, in hindsight, it's doing the complete opposite. Then it happened again. And now I just can't control myself at all. I think about the next time I'm going to go out and get wasted everyday, and then the morning after I've blacked out and done stupidly embarrassing self destructive things I feel ashamed of myself, and have a lack of motivation to do anything. I have been in and out of depression for a while and the only time I feel happy is when I get wasted, even though I know I will be full of self hate the next day. Anxiety is also something that has had a major impact on my life.

I've had so many people telling me I need to look after myself, but I just brush it off and believe that it's something everyone does. Even though I know full well they don't.

I can't do this anymore and I know that if I am ever going to forgive myself for the past few years, I need to get sober, sort myself out, get fit and eat well. Then maybe I'll stop using alcohol to help me get through my problems. I'm sorry about this long post, I just feel lost and ashamed of myself and I have finally admitted to myself and my family that I need help.

I am going to university next year as well, and I don't know what to do when there's loads of alcohol around.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!! I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have ruined my life already and I'm only 20 years old. I need to resit an exam this year to get into university and I know if I continue the cycle I'm in, there is no chance at all that I will pass. I really appreciate any help given, thank you so much.

FeelingGreat

Hi Emma, I'm so sorry to hear about your drinking, but you've gotten to a great place now to put an end to it.
Firstly, have you been to counselling about the rape? You say you didn't have much of a drinking problem before this happened, but afterwards it got out of control. You have a lot of issues to work through with this; you were assaulted and violated by someone who had no right to touch you. You don't get over that quickly, and if you haven't dealt with it, it will be more difficult.
You're not being self-indulgent and selfish at all; you are acting in a totally mature way. Many of us on this forum (me included - sober A) take years to come to terms with the fact we a drinking too much. You are taking action at a time when you have your whole life ahead of you. It's good to stop drinking before you hit uni, so you'll have it well in place amongst the drinking culture. Can I suggest you look up a group called 'Hello Sunday Morning' which is aimed at young people who are over the binge drinking thing.
How about making a start by seeing your doctor (make a long appointment) and telling him/her the whole story? It will help to have some moral and practical support.

emma5920

Thank you for your reply. I never went to therapy or counselling even though my parents and a few doctors recommended it as I was always too scared to talk to someone who I don't know about my problems. However, now I am starting to think it's probably for the best if I do.

I always thought that I would be able to work through it by going out with friends and putting it to the back of my mind but instead I just keep drinking myself stupid, and it's making things worse instead of better.

I really appreciate your reply! It feels better to know there's people out there like you, and websites like this that can help people work through their problems.

Foolsgold186

Hi Emma,

Welcome - to come to the realisation at 20 years old you have an issue with alchohol is really commendable. You have your whole life ahead of you and I hope you are able to get some support for what you have gone through. You will have lots of things available to you, speak to your GP about the options you have - potentially some counselling if you feel that's something you could do? I used this and it was of great help for my drinking.

9 months ago I was ill, drinking most days, never thinking Id be able to stop, out most weekend making a fool of myself and hating myself. Through AA, SR and counselling my life has completely turned around.

Life is there for the taking. Give yourself that chance.

Wishing you well.

Leigh x

FeelingGreat

Emma, it would be very difficult to put a rape behind you without professional counselling, as you're now finding out.

Let me say something in favour of professional therapy; the counsellor is trained to listen to your story and help you come to terms with the trauma. Sometimes it can be painful, but afterwards you feel better.

It's an advantage that the therapist isn't someone you know in your regular life. They're a neutral person, just there to help you, and you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings, or that they'll tell your parents, or laugh at you, or any of that.

I've used therapists at certain times when I've been troubled. Only a few sessions, but they have really helped me sort out my thoughts and move on.

Gottalife

Some of the best recoveries come out of the worst situations, and young people get well all the time. I got sober in AA when I was 22 and I frequently meet people who got sober younger than that, even in their teens. A whole new and wonderful life awaits you.

And for problems other than alcohol, I don't hesitate to talk to professionals in that area.

Soberwolf

Welcome Emma its nice to meet you

BernieE

Welcome, Emma. You didn't deserve to be assaulted and you do deserve a better life. Don't let the bad things determine the course of your life. Please see a therapist and work through this.

sobermax

Hey Emma, welcome.

I´m very sorry to hear about your experience.

My regular blackouts started at university and looking back it is easy to see that all the warning signs were there. Although I got to my first AA meeting at 21, it was another 16 years before I finally got sober. You seem to be a little more switched on than I was at 20!

You are very, very wise to have sought out SR. We all get it & no one will judge you. Stick around & keep posting.

Max

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Emma; very glad you found us.

I am so very sorry to hear of your experiences. I hope you do seek counseling to deal with the emotional and psychological effects of the rape; what happened to you is unthinkable and shattering; you deserve the much needed help to see you through the effects of this experience and assure that you have the resolution and skills to enter a healthy, successful, fulfilling and beautiful future.

It is very impressive and commendable that you are addressing your drinking at such a young age. There is a great life and world out there to be fully experienced - without the diminishment afforded by alcohol or substances.

Go for it, Emma; embrace sobriety and the true and beautiful Emma that lies within.

emma5920

Thank you everyone for your replies and kind words. It makes me feel better that there are nice people out there willing to help and support others. For a while, I thought I was in this alone, that I would have to deal with it al by myself, but after reading your recovery stories and advice it gives me so much hope that I can get past this and put it al behind me.

I am going to take all your advice and go to see someone, and hopefully it will help me think about the future, and how much it has to give.

ClearMind

Hi Emma, that sounds like an awesome plan. Good luck!

Soberwolf

Good luck Emma

FreeOwl

welcome!!

You've come to a good place and we are here to help.... and understand.

I will echo the comments of others; the trauma you experienced is not something you simply "put behind you". It is real and it is terrible what happened to you.

The help of a well-qualified counselor / therapist who specializes in trauma will be a truly powerful part of your recovery.

Stick around, read up, keep posting, we're with you.

Nowsthetime

I relate so much to your post. I was raped at 21 and it took me 10 years to finally deal with it. I Wish I would have dealt with it sooner. This place is full of info and support. I have learned so much about alcoholism and life in general justly reading here. Use SR as much as you need to. There's always support here.

thomas11

Hi Emma, very sorry to hear about your troubles. Based on your post I ascertain that you are a very intelligent woman, and are light years ahead of most of us in your realization that alcohol is providing a mask that hides the past. What you experienced is horrible, but you have the strength to address it, sort it out, and move forward. If going to university (I believe that's an English term?) concerns you, hold off. University will always be there, because yes, there will be alot of free time and alot of alcohol. You are more important than anything else. Keep us posted. Best wishes.

EndGameNYC

Hi Emma.

When a traumatic experience occurs, it needs to be processed in order to heal. Healing begins when we make contact with the trauma, when we talk about it in a safer place. Suppressing the trauma, as is often done by drinking over, it only keeps the trauma alive in destructive ways.

Hevyn

Welcome Emma - we're so glad to have you with us. I felt so much better being able to talk it over with those who understood. People in my life didn't have a clue what I was going through. Good that you're taking action now - we know you can do it.

emma5920

Hi everyone. Once again I wanted to thank you all for your replies. It means so much to me that there are people willing to help, and I'm feeling much more positive for my future.

DuhDave

Welcome Emma...you're safe here. Welcome home.

DD