amberly

I have been married for four years. I discovered my husband's drinking had spiraled out of control a few years back when he lost a really good job. Since then he has been through inpatient detox 4 times and in a several month outpatient program.

A few months back he spiraled out of control again and cost us over $30k in legal and medical fees. He doesn't/ won't work so I am stuck with the stress of coming up with the money. He finally went to a long term inpatient treatment facility a week ago.

For the last week (this sounds horrible) I have been happier and more at peace than I have in the last half a decade. The anxiety knot in my stomach finally released and I feel like I can breathe. The treatment facility called today to let me know my husband should be able to call me starting tomorrow- and all of the anxiety and fear just came crashing back. I want to support my husband, but I don't think I want him to come back home. Am I a horrible person for this?

suki44883

No, you are absolutely not a horrible person for feeling that way. I think most people would feel the same. You are under no obligation to live with him. If you don't want him to come home, then you have that right. You also do not have to talk to him on the phone. His behavior has obviously been affecting your health, so do what you feel is best for you. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

SparkleKitty

It really doesn't sound horrible that you have been happy and at peace with him gone.

What does sound horrible is that you have had a partner let you down so much. You deserve better than that. You deserve a responsible partner who pulls his weight and acts like an adult.

Living with addiction can have very traumatic effects on families. You need support and recovery just as much as he does. Good for you for reaching out here.

Fluffer

Amberly,

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am from the "other side" of the forum (i.e., I am newly sober myself) and I don't think you are bad at all for feeling this way. When you got married, is this what you signed up for? Looks like you got sold a bill of goods. Do you really think you should have to support a husband who won't work? Now I can see why you might want to support your husband if you really think he is trying to get well and you love him, but I certainly don't think there is any reason you should feel any duty to do so considering the "switcheroo" he seems to have pulled on you since getting married. I may not be in agreement with certain religious teachings here, but you have to live life for your own happiness in my book, at least where there's no kids involved.

knowthetriggers

Nope.

Totally understand how you are feeling.

Good for you for reaching out for help, keep sharing and keep coming back.

amberly

Thank you for the welcome. Finding this forum is such a relief. My husband has not held down a full time job for more than a few months in over two years. He hasn't worked at all in the past year. He does not contribute financially, nor does he take care of the house, etc. He sleeps and drinks and plays games- yes I know I am the ultimate enabler.

I finally hit the wall when he ended up facing two felonies for criminal domestic violence and then proceeded to drink more, trash my car with me in it, and lose his license to drive.

I just feel so guilty because I have no idea what he will do or where he will go if he can't come home. He doesn't have family or friends here, doesn't have a job, is a disabled combat vet and now can't even drive himself anywhere. He has never paid a utility bill or signed a lease for himself (turns out I haven't been the only enabler).

I didn't realize how much it was hurting my mental health until this week. I am so afraid when he comes back he will jump off the wagon yet again- I just cannot go through another let down like that. But I don't want to be the reason he doesn't stay sober either.

knowthetriggers

Maybe it's time for him to figure this out on his own.....

Just my opinion.

And when the phone rings, no one says you HAVE to answer it honey.

Tight hugs to you!!

SparkleKitty

He really will never learn to take care of himself until he is forced to.

Hawkeye13

Take care of you,
and give him the respect of learning to take care of himself.

He is an adult and you are not his parent.
That isn't what you married him to be--I agree with Fluffer here--not full discloure
so contract can be voided without guilt if you so choose.

Up to you and in your time.
Meanwhile, as others have said, you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to.

Jupiters

You won't. That's HIS choice.
Glad you found this place

LexieCat

Hi, amberly,

I've worked in the DV field for many years. What's the status of his criminal charges? Do you have the support of a DV advocate to help you? The abuse is a totally separate issue from the alcoholism, even if he becomes violent when he drinks.

Remember that even if you have been an "enabler," you didn't cause him to drink. And you CERTAINLY are not responsible for his violence against you.

If you aren't working with an advocate right now, I strongly suggest you take this time while he's in rehab to connect with one. Your prosecutor's office or local shelter can help connect you with one. That person can help you with safety planning and other services so you will not continue to be at risk of abuse when he gets out.

I know it all feels very overwhelming, but you're not going to be able to take good care of yourself if you are walking on eggshells and at risk of being victimized.

Hugs,

firebolt

Of course you are not a horrible person, and of course you feel at peace! A HUGE source of misery in your life has been removed. Your feelings are VERY NORMAL, and very telling....

You are closer to the life you want to be living when he is not in it.

I feel the same way, and it is a GOOD THING!

honeypig

In Alanon, they talk about "the 3 C's" of alcoholism--we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it. There is a ton of truth in that statement. You could never, never, NEVER be the "reason" your A drinks, just as you will never be the reason he gets sober, if he ever does. It is simply not something you have any power whatsoever over, hard though that is to wrap your mind around.

I'm glad you've found SR. I hope you can spend some time reading here, as I'm sure many people's experiences will resonate w/you. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. Here's a great place to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Alanon is also wonderful for getting some face-to-face support, and the combination of SR and Alanon has been a powerful one for me. You might benefit from checking into Alanon also.

Welcome. There's a lot of learning and healing and growing to be done here.

amberly

I am freaking to the point of panic attack. He wrote two letters and called once so far always
wanting me to send something to him. I am so stupid that I thought he sent letters to apologise. Nope just wants stuff.

Hawkeye13

Call the DV people and find out some options.
What about getting legal advice about separation?
Separating your finances now might protect you down the road
if he goes off the rails again or doesn't stick with the rehab.

I think Alanon would be helpful face contact for you with people who have lived
what you are living and will know how you feel.

Some therapy, with someone who understands addiction and abuse,
would be helpful too--I don't know what happened to get the police called,
but it sounds like you may have some post-trauma stress reactions happening.

You could pack his stuff and put it into storage, pay ahead a few months,
and mail him the key if you decide you want him to go elsewhere when he gets out.

There are options, in other words. You aren't trapped but you need to think about
what is best for you and we will support you whatever you choose.

Bring the focus back to you--not him--what will bring you relief in the short and long term?

LexieCat

You may already have this info, but just in case--here is a link to your local shelter: Helpmate. Looks like they have some great resources, including individual and group counseling. Give them a call.

lazydaisy67

I've felt it in my life too. I had terrible guilt that I really liked it when my daughter was in rehab. I felt the anxiety starting to come back the last month when the counselor and I talked about her after care and etc. I dreaded the day, actually, and turns out I had a fairly good reason. Home after 90 days in rehab and 3 days later she was using again. She moved out and at first I was really mad about it, but the feelings of peace are back. She's trying to play some games about coming over to pick up the rest of her stuff, but I just let her know when she can come and if it works for her that's fine and if not she'll have to wait until the next time it works for us. You certainly can tell the staff or the therapist at the center that you're not ready to talk with him on the phone. He might be mad about it, but that's his (and their) problem. If you need some time and space, it's absolutely OK for you to ask for it and then take it.