ClearMind

Hey guys,

I don't even know where to start. I've been off and on with my drinking for the past several months. I cut it down to 2-3 times a week, drinking maybe 10-12 beer on each one of those nights, but I know in my heart I'm definitely addicted to alcohol because all the signs are there. I know if I don't quit now, I'll have to quit in the future and it will be much harder.

I quit for a few weeks, then I ended up drinking both nights this past weekend. Nothing major, I stayed at home, watched the hockey game, and didn't do anything crazy or embarrassing. That's how it starts, though. I'm back on Day 4. I make it all through the week, not really much of a problem, I get to Thursday and I feel great about myself and I end up drinking a bunch of beer. It's never any fun, I have no clue why I do it. Then I end up drinking Friday or Saturday or both. I'm not a social drinker, I'd rather drink alone, away from my girlfriend, maybe not physically away, but mentally I'm gone. Locked up in my private room with the shades drawn. Checked out. I'm a happy drunk, so she doesn't seem to mind. But this is going to kill me unless I stop! It's the end of the line. I need to be stronger, to be able to downplay cravings much better. The cravings come in full force on Thursday afternoon, and throughout the weekend. I try to be active on SR, I find that helps. I've been reading a bit about SMART, I like that strategy, I think I will try that.

Anyway, just wanted to post something about this. I feel positive, but I have felt positive in the past. I don't want to keep running around in circles, constantly feeling that I can do this through the week and having it cave in on me come the weekend. It takes far too much energy. I have a bottle of Antabuse at my house, which I can take (and have taken in the past), and of course it's effective, but I am trying to do this without any medication. I feel that I CAN do it, I just need to be stronger mentally, more focused, more aware of the big picture. This stuff just isn't fun anymore.. I know I don't drink for the "pleasurable" effects of alcohol, I know I drink because being sober is mentally exhausting to me for some reason. Haven't quite figured that part out yet, it's kind of like a mystery to me. Anyway, it's Wednesday now, and I'm seriously looking forward to getting through this coming weekend completely sober and not going through any more of those dreaded Day One's.

Thanks for listening.

FreeOwl

Well... Sure sounds like you're one of us.

Welcome.

I have over a year between me and feeling like you do right now and I can tell you that it has been SO worth all the effort to get here.

Life is far more joyous in sobriety.

Sounds like you are ready to make the choice.... Now what you need is to surround yourself with all the tools and changes and support necessary to honor that choice every day.

You can do it.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 4 keep on keepin on

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here posting!

Nothing changes unless we change something turned out to be true for me.......

From James Frey; " Do I or don't I. Am I going to take or am I not going to waste my life or am I going to say no and try and stay sober and be a decent person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision."

Keep coming back!

ClearMind

Thanks for the responses guys.

Calicofish

Hello Clear Mind. I did the same thing - I'd not drink for 4 days and then feel good and start the cycle all over again. Then those 4 days eventually turned into drinking every day.

I'd suggest on Thursday that you do something different. Don't sit in front of the TV. Go out. Go to the gym. Go to a museum. Go for a walk. Clean the garage. Organize your closet. Play a game. Just do something different so that you break the pattern. Reread what you have just written in your OP. Write it down on a piece of paper. Play the tape through on what you would accomplish if you start drinking. What would you accomplish?

You can do this.

SoberLeigh

Hi ClearMind; nice to hear that you are ready to commit to a sober life.

Like FreeOwl, I have found life to be far more joyous in sobriety. Choosing sobriety was life-changing and one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Nice 'catch' in your avatar btw.

ClearMind

Thanks guys! It's great advice to "play the tape to the end", I've seen Dee recommend that for many people over the years. The problem with me is that it's like my brain shuts off. I don't consciously think about it.. or something. Like a bad, sub-conscious habit, like twitching or something, ya know? I will focus and try to pay more attention to what's going on in this weird brain of mine, though. I know that drinking is no longer fun for me, it's become like a burden. In fact, it's just flat out boring. But I don't think of that when I make the decision to pick up some beer. Anyway, I feel more positive this time around. Thanks for the suggestions

Ruby2

I'd say I have a weird brain and my drinking while planned every day, was like being on autopilot. I had to start thinking consciously to break those habits. I had to put thought into it before any changes could be made. How much time do we put into getting up, showering, brushing our teeth and putting on our socks and shoes? Drinking became like that. No thought involved. I recommend starting to think about what you can do differently this weekend to poke a stick in the spoke. Posting here is a great start. There is a weekend support thread that starts up in Thursdays. Join us. And congratulations on day 4. Keep rolling along.

ClearMind

Thanks Ruby. Yeah, I don't usually post in those Weekend support threads but I think I will this weekend. I think it will help.

philippe973

Hey Clearmind, congrets on your 4 days sober. But you said that you have antabuse. Why not just take it. I'm taking it every day and it's far more easy to not drink because you just can't.

If you use antabuse you close down every tempting situation.

ClearMind

Yeah, you're definitely right. I have taken it in the past, and it's definitely great at removing the option to drink. Maybe I will take it as needed, I think I have 29 pills left. I really don't want to get another prescription for it though.. I don't like how the pharmacist looks at me when I pick it up. I live in a small town and it's kind of embarrassing.. I won't need to take it every day.. maybe just on Thursdays and the weekends or whatever. Good suggestion, thanks.

doggonecarl

If you don't take it every day, you leave it possible to drink. Maybe that's what you want. The option to drink when sobriety gets too tough. Then you can quit again until the consequences of your last drunk fade away and the discontent you have with being sober builds up.

You call it a vicious cycle. I'll call it a treadmill. You can step off. Commit to quitting, once and for all and for good. You call sobriety exhausting. I disagree, what is exhausting is the path you are on now.

INgal

Welcome, Clear! You've come to an amazing place with incredibly supportive people. Keep up the good work

INgal

PS My son is on Antabuse. I also was worried what the pharmacist would think, but after calling around and finding out that all the drugstores in town carried it, I KNEW it wasn't abnormal. Please take it...if only to give yourself time away from alcohol. It's a godsend, if you pair it with SMART or AA, plus this site. Good luck!

philippe973

@dogonecarl: indeed. In the past i also stopped with antabuse but just took it for some periods. I didn't want to stop completly. So if there was a party on saturday, i took the pills froms sunday till thursday, so i could drink again on saturday. The sunday after i would drink again and so on. There even was i time that i replaced the antabuse pills with others so i could drink all the time. I had an understanding with my psy and wife that i would always take the pills in front of my wife (so i took fake ones).

So that didn't work at all now im taking the 'real' antabuse every day. And now its's a lot easer than before. I just don't drink anymore.

gettingsmarter

Hey ClearMind,

Listen intently to your post. You are speaking to yourself. Tackle this now or you might end up in a really bad place. It only gets worse.

"I know in my heart I'm definitely addicted to alcohol because all the signs are there"
"It's never any fun, I have no clue why I do it."
"I'd rather drink alone"
"But this is going to kill me unless I stop!"
"This stuff just isn't fun anymore"
"I drink because being sober is mentally exhausting to me for some reason"

Stay strong man

ClearMind

You're right, the path I'm on right now is exhausting. I don't want to have to rely on Antabuse to quit, because it's not a long term solution.. but I mean.. it will definitely keep me sober, that's for sure. I will take the remaining 29 pills I have and then go from there. I suppose I can get another prescription if I feel that I need it when the time comes.

PurpleKnight

Great to hear from you ClearMind!!

thomas11

Hi Clearmind, I read your post earlier today. I am in a very similar boat as yourself. I'm a weekender. Although I've done it all. Been the daily drinker, been the binger, and now I've whittled it down to weekends, and I'm trying to get over that last hump. I will get ripped for this, but I'm not entirely opposed to having a drink or two once a month for example. But the amount of alcohol I was/am drinking on the weekend is ridiculous. Its irresponsible and stupid. I feel very fortunate that my hangovers are minimal and its not a long enough period for me to experience withdrawal, but "it just ain't right". So I understand where you are coming from. I'm working on coming up with something to distract me from drinking those days. Summer is coming, I'll figure something out. I wish you the best. Keep us posted.