Back from a respite
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Back from a respite
I have been off the forum for a few months. Had alcohol under control, but some other thing got out of control, then as usual, and as expected, the alcohol came back into my life. I have a problem with food, alcohol and depression. Been fighting it for a long time, but have finally hit the point where life is not worth living in this state.
So, going to see the Doctor for the first time in four years and lay it on the table, get some drugs for the depression and weight problem, and also get a referral for a shrink. I am opposed to doing, as I can do it without help, but it is crystal clear: I cant do it by myself. I cant do it by myself. I cant do it without drugs and a shrink. I cant do it by reading all the books on the planet about brain disorders and reading about plans for getting my life together. I agree with all the books, I start out strong and then BOOM I get back into a funk. I support all the people who can do it alone and wish them more power to continue their progress, but I cant.
Doctor appointment is on Thursday and I will see how it goes. Nothing significantly bad has happened in my absence from the forum. Other than I want to do nothing other than sleep, eat and at least once a week drink. I have no energy and am the most negative person in the United States. My life should be very happy and fulfilling, yet all I want to do is hide and be harmful to myself.
Wish me luck if you will.
Herradura
So, going to see the Doctor for the first time in four years and lay it on the table, get some drugs for the depression and weight problem, and also get a referral for a shrink. I am opposed to doing, as I can do it without help, but it is crystal clear: I cant do it by myself. I cant do it by myself. I cant do it without drugs and a shrink. I cant do it by reading all the books on the planet about brain disorders and reading about plans for getting my life together. I agree with all the books, I start out strong and then BOOM I get back into a funk. I support all the people who can do it alone and wish them more power to continue their progress, but I cant.
Doctor appointment is on Thursday and I will see how it goes. Nothing significantly bad has happened in my absence from the forum. Other than I want to do nothing other than sleep, eat and at least once a week drink. I have no energy and am the most negative person in the United States. My life should be very happy and fulfilling, yet all I want to do is hide and be harmful to myself.
Wish me luck if you will.
Herradura
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Thnks Fly,
I been checking in and you have been doing great. Just plain flat out had enough of this stuff and put the old pride where it belongs and gonna get some help. I just hope I get a good couple of Docs, if not, I will see some other ones, not going to let a bad experience make me or break me. Going to try to find a doctor who does what he/she does to help people instead of for the $$. When you find one of them they are worth their weight in gold. Wish someone would give me my weight in gold,,, it is significant!!! Still have a sense of humor. Be good.
I been checking in and you have been doing great. Just plain flat out had enough of this stuff and put the old pride where it belongs and gonna get some help. I just hope I get a good couple of Docs, if not, I will see some other ones, not going to let a bad experience make me or break me. Going to try to find a doctor who does what he/she does to help people instead of for the $$. When you find one of them they are worth their weight in gold. Wish someone would give me my weight in gold,,, it is significant!!! Still have a sense of humor. Be good.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I think we all have to reach that point of being ready. For me THAT took a long time and in hindsight nothing I did could have made it happen any sooner. I believe different bottoms might accelerate ones readiness. Regardless of how it comes, readiness is the key. Once we accept the problem we have to accept the solution - there's the rub!
Seeing the doc is a very good idea - good for you.
Keep us posted pal.....
Seeing the doc is a very good idea - good for you.
Keep us posted pal.....
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Hi Herradura,
Glad you're here and glad you are going to see the doc. I think you have a good attitude about it as well. Finding the right doctor is so important in my eyes. Some doctors you have good chemistry with, and some you don't. Everyone is different. But once you find one that works well with you, it really does make a difference.
Best of luck!
Glad you're here and glad you are going to see the doc. I think you have a good attitude about it as well. Finding the right doctor is so important in my eyes. Some doctors you have good chemistry with, and some you don't. Everyone is different. But once you find one that works well with you, it really does make a difference.
Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
good to see you back Hoss,
I understand where you're coming from. We can read all of the literature and go to all the seminars, meetings or counseling sessions we want. But until we are ready to give it our all - commitment - we are just spinning our wheels.
Glad you are going to enlist the services of doctors. I would caution you to not ask your PCP for mind drugs. See the psychologist/shrinkologist first and let them offer a suggestion based on their assessment. Too many general practitioners write out scrips for zoloft and such based on the ten or fifteen minutes they spend with you. I think they are over used/abused by the medical field in general.
Hope you are ready to take this a step further. Try getting some air - free time by yourself if you can. 20 minutes of walking meditation works wonders.
Look into AVRT/rational recovery. It can be helpful just giving it away sometimes. That freedom when we realize that alcohol can no longer be a factor in our future.
Put yourself in charge. Seeing a therapist will be a big help in taking back control of your life.
edit: One more thing. Just because you 'think' you have it under control is no reason to stop coming around. In my almost year on this site, what I've noticed the most is that folks who show up for a short time and disappear are very often back months later back to the beginning again. People who post more often and consistently seem to fair batter than the hit and run sobriety seekers.
I understand where you're coming from. We can read all of the literature and go to all the seminars, meetings or counseling sessions we want. But until we are ready to give it our all - commitment - we are just spinning our wheels.
Glad you are going to enlist the services of doctors. I would caution you to not ask your PCP for mind drugs. See the psychologist/shrinkologist first and let them offer a suggestion based on their assessment. Too many general practitioners write out scrips for zoloft and such based on the ten or fifteen minutes they spend with you. I think they are over used/abused by the medical field in general.
Hope you are ready to take this a step further. Try getting some air - free time by yourself if you can. 20 minutes of walking meditation works wonders.
Look into AVRT/rational recovery. It can be helpful just giving it away sometimes. That freedom when we realize that alcohol can no longer be a factor in our future.
Put yourself in charge. Seeing a therapist will be a big help in taking back control of your life.
edit: One more thing. Just because you 'think' you have it under control is no reason to stop coming around. In my almost year on this site, what I've noticed the most is that folks who show up for a short time and disappear are very often back months later back to the beginning again. People who post more often and consistently seem to fair batter than the hit and run sobriety seekers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Hey! I was wondering what happened to you. I am glad you came back and you are getting some help. No man is an island as they say... depression, addiction are two very formidable foes. Nice to see you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi there.
Good to see you back here and back to wanting to give a good go to sobriety. I could not do it alone either -- tried that on/off for about five years and never even got to one week of sobriety that way. I think for many of us a real challenge is to get through that phase of sobriety when we feel much better and things start to change for the better... and then we think it's all done, we can move on and not look back.
Like Brain said, I'm also an advocate for consistency and discipline -- it can actually turn into a habit after a while. If you find something that is helpful, keep doing it and don't stop when you feel you may not need it anymore. I've been back and forth about this in my head regarding SR in the past few months, often thinking it takes too much of my time and energy relative to the stage of sobriety I am at... but the truth is, participating in this board had made all the difference for me. Maybe it could have been AA as well, or something else, but this is what I decided to use in the beginning so I stick with it. Reading all the literature is great (I did/do that too), but it won't transform parts of your life where hardcore action is required for change and maintenance.
Good luck with the docs and everything. And I agree with Brain, may be better to see a mental health professional for psych meds.
Good to see you back here and back to wanting to give a good go to sobriety. I could not do it alone either -- tried that on/off for about five years and never even got to one week of sobriety that way. I think for many of us a real challenge is to get through that phase of sobriety when we feel much better and things start to change for the better... and then we think it's all done, we can move on and not look back.
Like Brain said, I'm also an advocate for consistency and discipline -- it can actually turn into a habit after a while. If you find something that is helpful, keep doing it and don't stop when you feel you may not need it anymore. I've been back and forth about this in my head regarding SR in the past few months, often thinking it takes too much of my time and energy relative to the stage of sobriety I am at... but the truth is, participating in this board had made all the difference for me. Maybe it could have been AA as well, or something else, but this is what I decided to use in the beginning so I stick with it. Reading all the literature is great (I did/do that too), but it won't transform parts of your life where hardcore action is required for change and maintenance.
Good luck with the docs and everything. And I agree with Brain, may be better to see a mental health professional for psych meds.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Welcome back Herradura! I hope your doctor's appt goes well on Thursday and am very glad that you're doing things to move your life forward with all that you're going through. Sending positive vibes and a lot of luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It sounds like you're making a good decision by going to the dr. Hopefully you will be able to treat your depression with therapy or medication and begin to feel better. I hope the drs appointment goes well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Thanks everyone for the insight and wisdom. I am all too familiar with psych drugs and have had very negative reactions to a lot of them. Usually overdose issues(have to add a little humor here) was put on Zyprexa by a P.A once and took it for three days and literally could not close my mouth, slight problem with saliva drippage; went back on fourth day and she said, "wonder if the dose is too high?" I replied, "Ya think?" I cut it down by 75% and it was very good, for a while. I have been drug free for 4 years and swore to never go down that road again.
That was until last week when I started taking Topamax, self prescribed. I guess this is one of the reasons I am seeking medical care to actually get a prescription for it or, to see if something else is more appropriate. It certainly helps my mind be more calm. However, as always, I fear dependence and don't really like the zombie effects. Right now I take a very small dose and will do what the psych doctor prescribes.
A little update about life the last several months. Was alcohol free for 3.5 months and traded food for booze. Got into charcutterie(curing of pork into hams, sausages and smoked meats) and lacto fermentation of vegetables, all vegetables and make a very good kim chi, sour pickles, garlic veges.
Tried to volunteer and actually did a few times, mostly for local homeless situations, found a good organization which sends containers of food and medical supplies to Central America. Did not have luck with them as I wanted to be part of the organization, and they wanted money for the organization. I made it clear I would be happy to fund the organization, but I also wanted to be part of the process and be hands on. They were/are full in the hands on aspect and only need money, so that was very disappointing.
Reconnected with very bi-polar sister, she is very manic at this time in her life and I have decided to be supportive of her as a brother instead of as a Father. I have helped her and her kids even though I know she will not spend the money in an appropriate way. I talk with her weekly and try to be supportive of her even though I know what is going to happen. (very difficult).
Kids are doing well, wife is doing well, marriage is suffering from my being negative. We need to address the lifestyle we have IRT alcohol. I really enjoyed the time away from alcohol, my wife never stopped. As I have said in the past her problem is not like mine, yet.
Just figured I would write some of this down before I hit the Doc to see if I am missing anything. Have read RR and loved it. Really enjoyed it, think it is very powerful, but I cant make it work for me at this time. It should work, it is rational, I like rational, but I think I am not rational.
IMHO I think there is something in my head that is wired wrong, something that is too hot, too big, small, encumbered, etc, to work correctly. Haennie told me of a book by Mate which alluded to this and I think there is something to it. I hope and pray I can find out where this problem lies and correct it. Be it drugs/medicine, behavior change, whatever, I am up for it to make it right. I certainly have cyclic thinking and the paths where my mind works are deep deep ditches now and they need to be changed so every though does not go back to something that was thought before. Same input, same output.
Anyway, I do know I have missed the site and took time off because I was becoming too attached to it, and as Brain said, often people think they are cured/better and they find themselves back again. I appreciate the thoughts of fellow members as we are all different and have different perspectives. Some apply to everyone and some apply to very few, but they all matter.
Thanks again for reading and I will update, when I know something. I wish everyone a fantastic day and continued wellness.
That was until last week when I started taking Topamax, self prescribed. I guess this is one of the reasons I am seeking medical care to actually get a prescription for it or, to see if something else is more appropriate. It certainly helps my mind be more calm. However, as always, I fear dependence and don't really like the zombie effects. Right now I take a very small dose and will do what the psych doctor prescribes.
A little update about life the last several months. Was alcohol free for 3.5 months and traded food for booze. Got into charcutterie(curing of pork into hams, sausages and smoked meats) and lacto fermentation of vegetables, all vegetables and make a very good kim chi, sour pickles, garlic veges.
Tried to volunteer and actually did a few times, mostly for local homeless situations, found a good organization which sends containers of food and medical supplies to Central America. Did not have luck with them as I wanted to be part of the organization, and they wanted money for the organization. I made it clear I would be happy to fund the organization, but I also wanted to be part of the process and be hands on. They were/are full in the hands on aspect and only need money, so that was very disappointing.
Reconnected with very bi-polar sister, she is very manic at this time in her life and I have decided to be supportive of her as a brother instead of as a Father. I have helped her and her kids even though I know she will not spend the money in an appropriate way. I talk with her weekly and try to be supportive of her even though I know what is going to happen. (very difficult).
Kids are doing well, wife is doing well, marriage is suffering from my being negative. We need to address the lifestyle we have IRT alcohol. I really enjoyed the time away from alcohol, my wife never stopped. As I have said in the past her problem is not like mine, yet.
Just figured I would write some of this down before I hit the Doc to see if I am missing anything. Have read RR and loved it. Really enjoyed it, think it is very powerful, but I cant make it work for me at this time. It should work, it is rational, I like rational, but I think I am not rational.
IMHO I think there is something in my head that is wired wrong, something that is too hot, too big, small, encumbered, etc, to work correctly. Haennie told me of a book by Mate which alluded to this and I think there is something to it. I hope and pray I can find out where this problem lies and correct it. Be it drugs/medicine, behavior change, whatever, I am up for it to make it right. I certainly have cyclic thinking and the paths where my mind works are deep deep ditches now and they need to be changed so every though does not go back to something that was thought before. Same input, same output.
Anyway, I do know I have missed the site and took time off because I was becoming too attached to it, and as Brain said, often people think they are cured/better and they find themselves back again. I appreciate the thoughts of fellow members as we are all different and have different perspectives. Some apply to everyone and some apply to very few, but they all matter.
Thanks again for reading and I will update, when I know something. I wish everyone a fantastic day and continued wellness.
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