Admitting it and facing it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1
Admitting it and facing it.
Hello,
I'm finally "here". Spilling at least some of my guts about what I've recognized as a problem for a few years. I've become a binge drinker. Not necessarily a heavy drinker, but when I get my hands on it, I usually drink 'til it's gone.
I intend to remain quite anonymous, partly due to shame, but also due to worries that people who don't know about the depth of my problem could somehow put 2+2 together from random clues and figure out who I am. I'm a married, middle aged father of 2. I have a good job that I'm pretty good at. A wife who, while it's certainly not a perfect marriage, is faithful and cares for me and our children and it's reciprocated by me.
My problem is alcohol and has been for a long while. It's strange when I look back at my younger years. As a teenager and into my mid-twenties, I didn't care that much for the taste of alcohol or beer. I could buy a 12 pack and take a week or more to finish it off. The last few years that 12 pack wouldn't see me through the weekend. That's probably pretty mild by some standards, but I'm not a constant drinker. I binge. I got into the habit of leaving work at the end of a stressful day, and faced with going home to my wife and kids, elected instead to have some "me time". Initially that meant picking up a tall boy of beer (it's always tall boys, never just a 12 oz. beer) and parking somewhere near home, (I live in a very rural area with lots of gravel back roads that are seldom traveled), and popping the top.
Seems innocent enough, right?. Well, over time one became 2 and the beer got stronger. Usually a cheap brand of ice brewed beer for more kick and more quantity. In the last couple years that 1 then 2 beers became 3 and depending on what things were like when I got home, I might see what was in the cupboard or back of the 'fridge, or I might make an excuse to run to the store for another. It was this running to the store for just one more about a week and a half ago that led me here.
On a Sunday afternoon I had already had my usual 3 iced beers and was feeling "fine", but felt the need for more so I made an excuse to run to the store and grabbed another. That 4th one really pushed me over the edge and I began slurring my words and eventually became physically sick in front of my wife and kids. I made some sorry-azzed excuse about some bad beer, but my wife knew better.
That was my bottom. I think.
I didn't have any beer for a couple days due to the shame and the wake up call that that instance represented. Then, while out of town overnight, I really lit it up. I mean one of those hangovers you feel into the next evening. That was last Wednesday night and I haven't had anything since.
I'm feeling pretty decent, but I'm worried about slipping up. Honestly, I don't really want to quit altogether. I'd still like to have 3-4 beers with people in a social setting or maybe on a hot afternoon after mowing the lawn or some such thing. I just want to put the crutch that beer had become for my dissatisfaction with certain parts of my life away. I want to bust that crutch over my knee and get beyond that. Get back to sipping and savoring the craft brews I enjoy rather than hiding in my cheap beer. I'm not sure if that's possible.
I think I've got to get myself adjusted to my life and accept it. I don't mean the drinking part, but the situation I find myself in. A job that pays the bills, but is frustrating and largely thankless. A spouse who has chosen a parent for her best friend rather than me, her husband and, this is more guts than I intended to spill, nearly non-existent affection and intimacy from my spouse.
If I can come to grips with all that, life will be gravy.
Anyway, I've gone from having a beer 2-4 evenings a week to 3-4 every single day in just a few years. I'm proud that I've stopped, but scared that I might feel a need for that old crutch again. I'm proving to myself that I can do it, but I've seen myself fail at other things and I know I'm far from perfect.
I guess I just came here for some camraderie and to finally take the step to admit, though it be to strangers, that I've got a problem to lick.
I've got 2much2lose if I don't.
I'm finally "here". Spilling at least some of my guts about what I've recognized as a problem for a few years. I've become a binge drinker. Not necessarily a heavy drinker, but when I get my hands on it, I usually drink 'til it's gone.
I intend to remain quite anonymous, partly due to shame, but also due to worries that people who don't know about the depth of my problem could somehow put 2+2 together from random clues and figure out who I am. I'm a married, middle aged father of 2. I have a good job that I'm pretty good at. A wife who, while it's certainly not a perfect marriage, is faithful and cares for me and our children and it's reciprocated by me.
My problem is alcohol and has been for a long while. It's strange when I look back at my younger years. As a teenager and into my mid-twenties, I didn't care that much for the taste of alcohol or beer. I could buy a 12 pack and take a week or more to finish it off. The last few years that 12 pack wouldn't see me through the weekend. That's probably pretty mild by some standards, but I'm not a constant drinker. I binge. I got into the habit of leaving work at the end of a stressful day, and faced with going home to my wife and kids, elected instead to have some "me time". Initially that meant picking up a tall boy of beer (it's always tall boys, never just a 12 oz. beer) and parking somewhere near home, (I live in a very rural area with lots of gravel back roads that are seldom traveled), and popping the top.
Seems innocent enough, right?. Well, over time one became 2 and the beer got stronger. Usually a cheap brand of ice brewed beer for more kick and more quantity. In the last couple years that 1 then 2 beers became 3 and depending on what things were like when I got home, I might see what was in the cupboard or back of the 'fridge, or I might make an excuse to run to the store for another. It was this running to the store for just one more about a week and a half ago that led me here.
On a Sunday afternoon I had already had my usual 3 iced beers and was feeling "fine", but felt the need for more so I made an excuse to run to the store and grabbed another. That 4th one really pushed me over the edge and I began slurring my words and eventually became physically sick in front of my wife and kids. I made some sorry-azzed excuse about some bad beer, but my wife knew better.
That was my bottom. I think.
I didn't have any beer for a couple days due to the shame and the wake up call that that instance represented. Then, while out of town overnight, I really lit it up. I mean one of those hangovers you feel into the next evening. That was last Wednesday night and I haven't had anything since.
I'm feeling pretty decent, but I'm worried about slipping up. Honestly, I don't really want to quit altogether. I'd still like to have 3-4 beers with people in a social setting or maybe on a hot afternoon after mowing the lawn or some such thing. I just want to put the crutch that beer had become for my dissatisfaction with certain parts of my life away. I want to bust that crutch over my knee and get beyond that. Get back to sipping and savoring the craft brews I enjoy rather than hiding in my cheap beer. I'm not sure if that's possible.
I think I've got to get myself adjusted to my life and accept it. I don't mean the drinking part, but the situation I find myself in. A job that pays the bills, but is frustrating and largely thankless. A spouse who has chosen a parent for her best friend rather than me, her husband and, this is more guts than I intended to spill, nearly non-existent affection and intimacy from my spouse.
If I can come to grips with all that, life will be gravy.
Anyway, I've gone from having a beer 2-4 evenings a week to 3-4 every single day in just a few years. I'm proud that I've stopped, but scared that I might feel a need for that old crutch again. I'm proving to myself that I can do it, but I've seen myself fail at other things and I know I'm far from perfect.
I guess I just came here for some camraderie and to finally take the step to admit, though it be to strangers, that I've got a problem to lick.
I've got 2much2lose if I don't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,978
Welcome 2much2lose,
Worrying you that you will not be able to drink like a "normal" person is always a red flag.
"scared that I might feel a need for that old crutch again"
"sipping and savoring the craft brews I enjoy rather than hiding in my cheap beer. I'm not sure if that's possible."
"Normal" drinkers don't worry about these things.
Just my 2 cents. Glad you joined SR.
Worrying you that you will not be able to drink like a "normal" person is always a red flag.
"scared that I might feel a need for that old crutch again"
"sipping and savoring the craft brews I enjoy rather than hiding in my cheap beer. I'm not sure if that's possible."
"Normal" drinkers don't worry about these things.
Just my 2 cents. Glad you joined SR.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Welcome to SR, It is awesome you are admitting you have a problem. That is the first step of the 12 step.
Your powerless over alcohol and that your life had become unmanageable...
Just keep trying and you can get support here. It works for me!!
Your powerless over alcohol and that your life had become unmanageable...
Just keep trying and you can get support here. It works for me!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Welcome 2M2L! Hope you can get over the loss of your lover and I'm not talking about your spouse. I to miss the Sierra Nevada and IPA's that I drank to be social but not my daily go-to's (steel reserve and camo...Mmmm). If you want an Idea of where it progresses from here it's chugging the morning camo at the sink cuz the first 4 oz. may NOT stay down (24oz--taller boys) b4 getting the kids breakfast--So I COULD function. The rest of the day keeping BAC level--erring on the side of MORE cuz less is so-very-uncomfortable. Anyhoo, when I finally quit I was up to a liter of vodka and 2-4 24oz high octanes per day and was rarely drunk--just maintaining. I'm not saying we are alike but your story REALLY reminds me of ME 15 yrs. ago. So maybe getting used to sobriety could be a priority? Just sayin'-- Be good to you and handle this now. You may not be able to later.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
My dad used to say 90 percent of the problem solving g was admitting there was a problem. I needed a sobriety makeover. It wasn't easy. I traded going over hot coals for awhile for a lifetime of amazing friends and vibes. Everyday I change for the better and I manage my emotions better. Everyday I can be excited for the joy and oneness with God. I make the changes everyday through hard hard work. But it is Ness essay to get stronger and stronger!! All I need is within me now!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome 2much2lose and thanks for sharing your story. The quantity and frequency of drinking isn't always the most important indicator of the probem, but I too crossed a line that I think you have too - that is drinking either more than I planned on or more often than I planned to. I also have young kids, a good job and a great wife but used alcohol to "take the edge off". For years I would stop on the way home and literally have just one or two "good" beers at a local brewpub, but then I would stop and grab a 12 pack of miller high life in case I needed another couple at home. Before I knew it I was polishing off half or more of the 12 pack every night too. And as some have mentioned, it gets a heck of a lot worse than that.
For me, sobriety was an all-or-nothing decision. We all wish we could just drink "socially" every now and then, but if you are an alcholic that will never be an option. I tried and tried for years to somehow moderate my drinking to certain days, certain times, certain types, pretty much anything and every single time it failed miserably, I always returned to daily drinking within a short period of time.
If you do want to make that decision to call it quits for good, SR is a fantastic place to find support and info about all the different ways to go about getting ( and staying ) sober. Again, welcome.
For me, sobriety was an all-or-nothing decision. We all wish we could just drink "socially" every now and then, but if you are an alcholic that will never be an option. I tried and tried for years to somehow moderate my drinking to certain days, certain times, certain types, pretty much anything and every single time it failed miserably, I always returned to daily drinking within a short period of time.
If you do want to make that decision to call it quits for good, SR is a fantastic place to find support and info about all the different ways to go about getting ( and staying ) sober. Again, welcome.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Welcome,
First of all, unless you tell people about SR and give them your user name, no one will ever find you here. We all care about anonymity.
We do understand how hard this is and I'm glad you recognize you have a problem with alcohol and want to stop drinking.
First of all, unless you tell people about SR and give them your user name, no one will ever find you here. We all care about anonymity.
We do understand how hard this is and I'm glad you recognize you have a problem with alcohol and want to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi 2M2L, you will find tons of help here and perspective. No need to hold anything back as everyone here is supportive and likely been where you are at some point. Like anattaboy said, if you want to know whats in store, think of waking up in the middle of the night terrified that something bad is going to happen, in a pool of sweat, shaking, and the ONLY thing that will make it go away is some more poison. So you give in and drink some poison, throw half of it up, wait for it to kick in and ahhhh, your all better....for awhile. And the vicious cycle continues until you can pull yourself out of it, end up in a detox facility, rehab, or jail. Sounds pretty grim eah? it is. Take advantage of the site, it helps alot.
Great job on your part in recognizing that its progressing and you want to do something about it. Welcome and I wish you the very best. Keep us updated.
Great job on your part in recognizing that its progressing and you want to do something about it. Welcome and I wish you the very best. Keep us updated.
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