Questions about calling DCFS
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Questions about calling DCFS
Hello friends. I have some questions for any of you that have been in this situation, and Lexie, if you can give me any input that would be great.
I am thinking about calling DCFS about my X husband. Over the weekend, this past Friday, while playing with our daughter, he bit her on the side. They were wrestling. He had apparently been drinking although I was not aware of any of this until Sunday night. My oldest DD took a photo of the bite, it's not severe, but you can definitely see it's a bite. Weird.
Anyways, that being said, it's his reaction that bothers me. Apparently he bit her hard enough that she started to cry. He then denied that he bit her and said, "If I bit you, show me where." So she did, and he got mad and walked away.
I called an attorney yesterday as I feel enough has happened that I need to try to modify our custody agreement and try for supervised visitation only. My girls are 15 and 9. The attorney advised that his drinking and behavior qualifies for child neglect and she feels quite sure I could get supervised. However, she charges $3000 up front and $200 per hour. She would get a GAL which I would have to pay for, then she would try to get the judge to reimburse me when done for those fees. Ha, he has no job, what's he going to pay with??
Her estimation of total is $20-$25k. She would put my oldest on the stand, as well as their counselors, doctors, etc.
I don't have this kind of money. My X is not paying child support, he has no job. It takes every dollar I have to meet our current needs. He has wrecked my credit so even if I wanted to take out a loan I could not. I called legal aide this week, I don't qualify. I make about $5k per year too much. There is no university here with a law school and I cannot find anyone who is offering any probono work, I have tried.
Suggestions???
I am thinking about calling DCFS about my X husband. Over the weekend, this past Friday, while playing with our daughter, he bit her on the side. They were wrestling. He had apparently been drinking although I was not aware of any of this until Sunday night. My oldest DD took a photo of the bite, it's not severe, but you can definitely see it's a bite. Weird.
Anyways, that being said, it's his reaction that bothers me. Apparently he bit her hard enough that she started to cry. He then denied that he bit her and said, "If I bit you, show me where." So she did, and he got mad and walked away.
I called an attorney yesterday as I feel enough has happened that I need to try to modify our custody agreement and try for supervised visitation only. My girls are 15 and 9. The attorney advised that his drinking and behavior qualifies for child neglect and she feels quite sure I could get supervised. However, she charges $3000 up front and $200 per hour. She would get a GAL which I would have to pay for, then she would try to get the judge to reimburse me when done for those fees. Ha, he has no job, what's he going to pay with??
Her estimation of total is $20-$25k. She would put my oldest on the stand, as well as their counselors, doctors, etc.
I don't have this kind of money. My X is not paying child support, he has no job. It takes every dollar I have to meet our current needs. He has wrecked my credit so even if I wanted to take out a loan I could not. I called legal aide this week, I don't qualify. I make about $5k per year too much. There is no university here with a law school and I cannot find anyone who is offering any probono work, I have tried.
Suggestions???
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Oh that sucks. On all counts. And is frightening.
If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. And I don't suppose you can get a lawyer to work pro bono? Maybe through a DV place?
My experience of CPS isn't positive. They could not find any wrongdoing despite my kids telling them they often were not fed, that their dad would fall asleep on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own vomit, that he was drunk all the time they were there. And the sad truth was that where I lived, the horrors they saw were so bad that, yeah, being hungry and neglected didn't rise to the level of worry for them.
But what other choice do you have?
I was in a similar situation at one point, although no evidence of physical abuse. I cried for three days and then decided to wait it out, and hope that my attorney was right -- that AXH would at some point step over the line and lose custody without me having to take out a loan for $30K for the GAL and lawyer.
My heart is just aching for you because not only does this qualify as abuse -- your older kid is also being put in a terrible situation having to "supervise" that her dad doesn't harm her little sister.
I hope Lexie has some good advice. ((((hugs))))
If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. And I don't suppose you can get a lawyer to work pro bono? Maybe through a DV place?
My experience of CPS isn't positive. They could not find any wrongdoing despite my kids telling them they often were not fed, that their dad would fall asleep on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own vomit, that he was drunk all the time they were there. And the sad truth was that where I lived, the horrors they saw were so bad that, yeah, being hungry and neglected didn't rise to the level of worry for them.
But what other choice do you have?
I was in a similar situation at one point, although no evidence of physical abuse. I cried for three days and then decided to wait it out, and hope that my attorney was right -- that AXH would at some point step over the line and lose custody without me having to take out a loan for $30K for the GAL and lawyer.
My heart is just aching for you because not only does this qualify as abuse -- your older kid is also being put in a terrible situation having to "supervise" that her dad doesn't harm her little sister.
I hope Lexie has some good advice. ((((hugs))))
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hopeful what an awful situation for you and your children. Do you still have to pay even though he has breached the custody agreement, is there not something in your agreement that should happen if he breaches?
May not be helpful just trying to think of any other way where you don't have to pay out that kind of money!!
Lillamy I agree that depending on the area you live in depends of what level social services categorise as child protection. What you have both described would be a child protection concern in my area and where I work and my recommendation to any parent would be to safeguard your child. So if you stop contact what would happen??
May not be helpful just trying to think of any other way where you don't have to pay out that kind of money!!
Lillamy I agree that depending on the area you live in depends of what level social services categorise as child protection. What you have both described would be a child protection concern in my area and where I work and my recommendation to any parent would be to safeguard your child. So if you stop contact what would happen??
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi hopeful, you could try putting your AH on notice about this. You have a photo of the bite, and your oldest's witnessing it. You could either email him, or write and keep a copy, saying how concerned you are about this, and you will consider not allowing the children to visit if you have safety concerns. That might be enough to put him on notice.
Would you be in violation of a court order if you stopped access, or is it an arrangement worked out between you?
Would you be in violation of a court order if you stopped access, or is it an arrangement worked out between you?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 29
What is the court order for visitation that you currently have?
I would take the child to the doctor. The doctor is a mandated reporter and will call CPS. Maybe once CPS is involved, they will take care of requiring him to have supervised visitation. Isn't that their job? To make sure children are safe?
I would take the child to the doctor. The doctor is a mandated reporter and will call CPS. Maybe once CPS is involved, they will take care of requiring him to have supervised visitation. Isn't that their job? To make sure children are safe?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Don't contact him directly.
Call CPS. Or take the child to the doctor and force a doctor's hand to call. Also consider calling the police, non-emergency, and asking for advice.
Why can't you hire a GAL by yourself and cut out the middle man? Frankly, in my experience, if a GAL says to go one way, the courts will listen. There will be no need for a full blown TV trial. Your ex doesn't sound like he has the money to fight. He will huff and puff, but I'd call his bluff and file anyway. Chances are he won't fight and if he does, he won't have ground to stand on.
You got pictures of this bite mark, right?
Call CPS. Or take the child to the doctor and force a doctor's hand to call. Also consider calling the police, non-emergency, and asking for advice.
Why can't you hire a GAL by yourself and cut out the middle man? Frankly, in my experience, if a GAL says to go one way, the courts will listen. There will be no need for a full blown TV trial. Your ex doesn't sound like he has the money to fight. He will huff and puff, but I'd call his bluff and file anyway. Chances are he won't fight and if he does, he won't have ground to stand on.
You got pictures of this bite mark, right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I would think CPS should provide legal representation on behalf of the children.
Short of that, if he can't afford and attorney and you can't afford an attorney, how do you feel about taking this to court yourself? Seeking relief as you stated and letting the judge sort it out.
Perhaps they will assign you a court ordered attorney?
It is horrible to think you can't protect your kids because you are not wealthy enough to get an attorney.
Short of that, if he can't afford and attorney and you can't afford an attorney, how do you feel about taking this to court yourself? Seeking relief as you stated and letting the judge sort it out.
Perhaps they will assign you a court ordered attorney?
It is horrible to think you can't protect your kids because you are not wealthy enough to get an attorney.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I have no experience with this, but wanted to send you (((hugs))) anyway. I like what FeelingGreat had to say..... do you think he would respond to this "unofficially" if he thought there was a chance you would pursue it legally?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Current order: every tues and every other weekend. States in our decree no drinking of any sort around children, or 24 hours before which he is clearly in violation of.
She has counseling tomorrow, they are also mandated reporters. I don't mind calling myself, but that's my question really. If CPS does get involved, will this eliminate my need to hire an attorney?? I am doubting it.
She has counseling tomorrow, they are also mandated reporters. I don't mind calling myself, but that's my question really. If CPS does get involved, will this eliminate my need to hire an attorney?? I am doubting it.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
"If I bit you, show me where."
Suggestions???
I guess punching him in the throat is out of the question....
So sorry you have to deal with this mess.
Sending you and your little family lots of strength!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Current order: every tues and every other weekend. States in our decree no drinking of any sort around children, or 24 hours before which he is clearly in violation of.
She has counseling tomorrow, they are also mandated reporters. I don't mind calling myself, but that's my question really. If CPS does get involved, will this eliminate my need to hire an attorney?? I am doubting it.
She has counseling tomorrow, they are also mandated reporters. I don't mind calling myself, but that's my question really. If CPS does get involved, will this eliminate my need to hire an attorney?? I am doubting it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Lots of good suggestions. Yes, I can immediately go get them, but I want it to go through the courts and get it over, this is not going to stop anytime soon.
I am doing some research on hiring the GAL myself unless the state will hire one. Ugh...I hate this crap. My poor kids, it just makes me livid....
I am sure Lexie will be along sometime soon...Thank Goodness!
I am doing some research on hiring the GAL myself unless the state will hire one. Ugh...I hate this crap. My poor kids, it just makes me livid....
I am sure Lexie will be along sometime soon...Thank Goodness!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You might try contacting legal aid in your state. They are representing me in my custody case with my ex. This is the type of situation they exist to help with. My legal representation is free and I am getting the court costs and mediation either at a reduced rate or with deferred payments. I may not have to pay the mediation costs at all.
So sorry you and your daughters are dealing with this. He sounds like he's reached that tipping point where his drinking makes him a danger to himself and others, especially to your girls.
Big hugs to you.
So sorry you and your daughters are dealing with this. He sounds like he's reached that tipping point where his drinking makes him a danger to himself and others, especially to your girls.
Big hugs to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I would take her to the doctor. Have her tell the doctor exactly what happened. The doctor is a mandatory reporter of child abuse, so you won't have to be the one reporting. Most likely a police officer and/or child protective services will respond. It doesn't mean he will necessarily be charged with a crime, but you will have it on record and there will be professional intervention. I'm concerned that if you don't report it, and she tells a friend and the teacher finds out--and learns that you knew and did nothing, it could be a problem for YOU. Of course, her safety is number one, but it seems like the doctor is the most neutral way to go about it.
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