hummingbird358

SO about 3 weeks ago today my son said he was going to stop drinking. He has gained so much weight over the last 6 months and it is so hard to see him like this. He did well but then this weekend took a step back. I could tell yesterday that he had been drinking. I text the gf and she said she wouldn't know how he got it....(Lies). Anyway, today he finished it off and he couldn't find his glasses so after he left to take the dog for a walk, I went in his room and I was correct in my thinking. When he came back we confronted him. He was not angry, he didn't curse us, like normal. He told us that we invaded his privacy but I reminded him that he was in my closest this past summer looking for booze. (Someone got me a bottle for Christmas and I hid it in there cuz I don't drink- he found it) So to make a long story short, he is opening up more than he usually did. Tonight again he told me that his life is messed up because I didn't get to do what I wanted with my life..... He is upset because I went into the family business due to my dad pressuring me when I was 17. I always wanted a career working with animals but I left my dad get into my head. I never had the confidence to pursue it plus I was not as intelligent as you have to be to be a veterinarian. This has bothered my son for a few years now. He gets that upset he cries and can't talk about it. WE don't talk about the family business in our home. HE refuses to work there, etc. Anyway he tells me that is why he is the way he is. I was able to talk to him about his drinking. I told him that I go to Alanon, I told him that his drinking tears me up inside. He knows that. He told me he googled AA 2 weeks ago. He told me that he doesn't want to turn 21 in October. I tried talking him into seeking outpatient help but he just won't budge. He won't see a therapist. I told him he needs to get help so he can learn tools on how to stop drinking. He has said numerous times that once he starts he can't stop. I told him about his health and that he only has one body. There was recent death in out town this past weekend. A young man that is 2 years older than my son and he was on the football team with my son way back. We passed the spot where the car he was driving in hit the tree and my son actually sounded remorseful for the first time. He said "He was finally getting his life together and now he is dead" He told me that the boy had been into drugs but had stopped it all and was working. He told me he couldn't look at the tree anymore. I don't know if he is starting to realize he needs help or not. I am seeing some change. He said that he took 6 steps forward and now he took a step back. He knows he can't drink but when I ask why he started he just blames it on how the business ruined his life. I told him that I need to stay in it to pay the bills. IT was my choice many years ago. The therapist I am seeing now was also one of the therapists my son seen last year for only 2 times. He told me that my son broke down to him about how it has him so upset that I didn't do what I truly wanted to in life.... Really? Could this be the bottom line in his drinking problem or is it just another way to put blame on something other than oneself. He does so well in college and I told him that his double major won't mean crap if he cant' control his drinking. I know "let it go, let God!" I am trying so hard.

LexieCat

I think your son is handing you a load of crap, to be perfectly honest. I get the feeling that not only is he being dishonest about why he drinks, he's indirectly blaming you, your family, and your decisions. He may be feeling like a failure, himself, and looking for something to blame that on, but your career choice has zero to do with his drinking.

Incidentally, his drinking is his responsibility, not his girlfriend's.

I'm glad he's being less hostile, though.

PinkCloudsCharley

When people drink, the things that usually wouldn't bother them become huge deals. What you chose to do with your life is a non issue, but alcohol is a depressant and they seem to dig up every little thing they can think of to become depressed over and obsess about it. At least, that's what my H did. Things that never even crossed his radar sober where suddenly reasons to keep drinking when drunk.

Hugs.

Fluffer

His drinking is your fault because of your career choice? Sounds like a steaming pile of horse sh$t to me. He seems very ungrateful to his parents who apparently made sacrifices for his financial well-being. Just my 2 cents.

Catherine628

My ex used to come up with outrageous reasons for why he drank. That way he didn't have to look at himself. My ex does realize that he needs help. Unfortunately there seems to be a huge distance between realizing he needs help and actually getting help. I hope your son is able to bridge that distance.

theuncertainty

It's a load, a way to deflect the blame onto any one but him, a way for him to avoid the heavy work that recovery will take. And I'm doing some major editing on what I really want to call it. Hummingbird, it is not your fault he drinks.

Whenever he hands you lines like that, it might help to remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Taking the blame for his drinking implies that you have way more power than you do. Because if you had the power to cause it, you could cure it, too. It sounds like you're aware you can't cure it.

Maybe the GF bought for him, maybe she didn't. But even if she didn't, he'd have found a way to get something to drink. He's in college? I filed my housing paperwork late the year I transferred to college out of state, so I got stuck in a freshman dorm. Other than the RA's, I was one of the oldest students in the dorm. Until they figured out I wouldn't, ever, younger dorm-mates would ask me to buy for them. I KNOW that just because I said no, it didn't mean they stopped asking others, including our friends who lived off-campus. And I'd be inclined to say most of them weren't alcoholics.

Hang in there. ((((hugs))))

redatlanta

I agree with the others. Its a steaming load of sh!t.

P.S. perhaps you need to remind him that he is living in YOUR house and there is no invading his privacy.

Fandy

it's really difficult to read your post as it's all one paragraph.

but think about this...he says HIS life is "messed up", because YOU went into a different profession than you would have preferred. He is BLAMING you for his issues,

REALLY? You cannot possibly believe this poop....I would tell him to look in the mirror and it is HIS responsibility to fix his own issues, not yours.

who is paying for his school? his living? he needs to get done with school and get a job and maybe living in the REAL world will actually help him see that we can't always get what we want. He is NOT a baby, he is 21 and able to start acting like a responsible adult. If he has "gained weight" only he can lose it, mama can't do it for him, booze is empty sugar calories, you would think his young male vanity would kick in at some point?

if you don't believe his girlfriend, I would call her on it, and if she is violating your rules, she is not allowed in your home either.

He needs to see someone to get over his angst, if he is still not a legal adult, can you have him placed in inpt. rehab? If you are that worried that he may harm himself?

Hawkeye13

poop, as identified by others.

he's manipulating you and it is working--
he's changed his tactic because you toughened up a bit
but clearly he's finding loopholes and not serious yet about recovery.

So what next hummingbird?
More of the same or something different?

Sorry you are dealing with this--he sounds just like he knows how to push
your buttons and has zero concern for hurting you underneath.

Protect yourself.

firebolt

Yep - agree with everyone here. I'm so sorry.

He knows his drinking is very painful for you - so what better way to distract you from it than to make you feel guilty for it.

His drinking is his - not yours, or his girlfriends.

The day his actions change - and the changes last, then you might be able to start listening to his words. Until then, his words regarding anything surrounding his drinking are like the school teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons - mumbled and meaningless.

The only thing you can do for him is to step away and let him manage his own life, and all of the consequences he brings on himself. I promise, eventually, you will feel tons better, weather he is still drinking or not. (((HUGS)))