cookiesncream

I shared this with my women's recovery group the other day and so many people liked it thought I'd share here as well. I honestly get as much out of reading "this side" figuring out where I need to focus my recovery as reading any of the "A" forums. I've been in recovery just over a year and was lucky I was a "not yet" on so many fronts. That said explaining your own addiction to children isn't always easy. This played out the other day with my daughter. Here's the story:
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I was in the car with my daughter, nine, and she just out of the blue casually asked "Mommy why did you stop drinking?" Gulp errrr.... I was quite relieved that from her perspective apparently falling asleep early was the greatest impact my drinking had on her. For that I am eternally grateful I was a "not yet." I did have to choose my words quite carefully because since our families still drink socially I have tried to make it clear that drinking in and of itself is not bad, its when you drink too much too often that it is a problem. Finally after some awkward silence I told her that it was because I was mad sad and angry with people and didn't tell them and had been drinking to numb the feelings and that wasn't right. Then she piped up "Well you just get in a room with these other people and TALK to them." I love my kiddo I truly do:-)
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Peace,

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torquemax777

From the mouths of babes! Great post cookies!

cookiesncream

A funny add on to this. Spent a very painful birthday with my highly co-dependent mother of whom I am the recipient of a LOT of passive-aggressive, attention seeking, victim mode behavior. In short she drives me NUTS. My daughter spent the day with us and it got so bad my daughter pulled me aside a couple of times and said "Is Grandma being like really picky?" That said got home and vented. Daughter said "okay Mommy you need to TALK to grandma and tell her how you feel." I have vowed to write a letter and daughter now has me on the hook to write it. Recovery isn't easy from one used to stuffing away this crap:-(

LexieCat

Keep in mind, cookies, that your daughter might be worried that if you DON'T tell everyone how you feel when you're mad, sad, etc., that you might start drinking again. Maybe you SHOULD write your mom that letter, but it also doesn't hurt to explain to your little crumb that sometimes there are other ways of working through feelings--talking with someone else (even God, if that's something your family believes), exercising hard, deciding that someone's opinion isn't that important (a good lesson in case she runs into bullies--confrontation can sometimes backfire!).

LemonGirl

UAwesome post!

I agree with Lexie, however... Last night my 12 yr old daughter hugged me tight and put my youngest to bed for me as she could see I had just had an emotional conversation with my xabf (he had just found out that his mom got word from the doc that she'll only be around for maybe 5 years tops because of her smoking). I held her and said something to the affect that all of us make mistakes, even our parents, and that we just hope we don't screw up our own children. My wise child... But I was also very aware of a little codie in the making.

My burdens are not hers. I have to make sure she knows it's okay to make mistakes and that at the end of the day, love is most important.

I then went out to give a big hug to my mom who has upped her drinking since losing my step dad to liver cancer almost two years ago (from drinking).

cookiesncream

Thanks all. I do worry a bit I'm raising a little codie and I want to be careful not to model bad behavior. I spoke to both of my siblings and both agree that any letter I write will be for me to get things off my chest. I cannot expect any change from Mom. I also need to be prepared for tears and a guilt trip. That said I'm not crazy about modeling the behavior I've exhibited which is that one of playing doormat. I do think I handled my daughter's original question well however and for that I'm giving myself a good ole pat on the back. I've also explained that the books I'm reading on boundaries are all about how to help me learn how to handle this stuff better.

torquemax777

I was thinking what you told her about your drinking was great! Well, you know what I mean. This conversations are awkward and I think you handled it exceptionally well. My first thought after your second post about your mom was not that she is a Codie in the making, but rather she is a great psychologist in the making. Maybe you can foster her desire to help people and encourage her to explore those fields in the future. Guess I'm seeing the glass as half full.

LexieCat

I certainly didn't mean to suggest you made any mistake about the way you handled her question--it was great! I just meant that sometimes we can simplify for the sake of making it easy for them to understand and it's important to fill in some of the nuances later. She wouldn't be a normal kid if she didn't worry about her parents being ok. And even though she only talks about your falling asleep, she probably picked up on undercurrents in the family dynamics that she might not even be able to articulate. The fact that she worries about your being OK doesn't by any means make her codependent--certainly not that alone. If you had another physical illness, like cancer that required chemo, etc., she'd worry about that, too. Pretty normal.

knowthetriggers

Thanks for sharing your story, I love it. This ^^ is something I have heard my AH tell my oldest child. I always thought he was making an excuse because he has not stopped drinking but modified his drinking. Now I wonder if this is something he might have heard when he did attend AA, hmmm, who knows.

Great story!!

cookiesncream

Hmmmm... I don't attend AA so I'm quite sure that isn't where I came up with that. Largely I don't want my daughter to think that my relatives are terrible people or quite frankly my friends. That is why I said what I did. Calling a spade a spade this is your husband justifying his continued bad behavior and its a pile of crap. Actually my daughter did tell me after that she thought I could have a glass of wine once every few weeks. Since I know that in recovery that the only sure fire way to avoid a relapse is not to take the first drink so long as my "triggers" make me want to escape, even now, I choose not to take the first drink. I choose not to relapse.

LemonGirl

Awe..... guess I should also clarify that I thought your actions with your daughter were great! Kids are always calling us out on our behaviors.

Guess the rest is just what I saw into what you posted because of my own experience. :-)

FireSprite

What a little truth-speaker! I love it!

Have you ever read Brene Brown's parenting manifesto? I found it while in recovery & it really spoke to me because it talks about all those little habits I had to break. Those patterns I learned from my own mother that I no longer wanted to perpetuate with my daughter. I wanted a more open, honest communication.



Downloads - Brené Brown




The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.

We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.

You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.

I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.

I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.

When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.

Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.

We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.

As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.

I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly, deeply, seeing you.

Justincredible

Awesome post! I have had to face a few of those "tough" questions from my little ones.

LemonGirl

Fs, I am printing that!

cookiesncream

Thank you for that wonderful manifesto- I will download it. My recovery group does a lot of book studies based on Brene Brown's writing and I need to dig into it. Many wise words there. There does reach a point in recovery from the "A" side where when we have been as open, and honest about our mistakes as possible, apologized to those who need apologies, and stopped our bad behavior we need to forgive ourselves. Low self esteem is not good for continued recovery and I think I'm at that point that I need to forgive myself. My daughter is a sweetie and her earnest words and straightforward approach were healing balm for my soul. I'm a not yet in so many ways, and I'll never forget that but it is time to stop wallowing in guilt over past misdeeds and move forward.

I'm glad you enjoyed this post. There is so much darkness in addiction I figured a little ray of sunshine was in order.

Peace,

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