Jillian2563

Posted in women's section but it seems like there is not much traffic there so I copied and pasted below. I hope that it's ok to post this here!

I I just haven't been feeling like having sex lately. Maybe it's the zoloft I take. But I'm only 15 days sober. I've been with my husband for 8 years so I shouldn't feel shy, but for some reason I do? Maybe because I don't like the way I look right now? (I have gained a lot of weight) Has anyone else had this experience in early recovery? Does the excitement of sex come back?

FreeOwl

well....

I know that I went through a period of many months where sex drive was all out of whack - and I have seen this topic discussed frequently so I think a LOT of people in recovery experience it.

Sexual desire and response are a complex interplay of emotions, chemicals and physical factors. ALL of these things get thrown into a chaos when we choose to get sober.

It does balance out over time and with patience and taking actions toward full recovery.

But you also mentioned zoloft... and I happened to read this article today which you may find interesting. Do Antidepressants Affect Interest in Sex? | Men's Health

SDH73

Without sharing too much, I haven't had sex in while. Sober sex? Well, if hungover morning sex is out, probably not since I was a teenager.

I've thought about this, too. I'm worried that I'll feel too awkward and self-conscious to enjoy it. Doesn't look like I'll have to deal with that for a while, though.

Jillian2563

Freeowl, the link won't work for me. How can I navigate to that page?

twal

Hey Jillian,

See if this works; Copy and paste this in your browser:

Do Antidepressants Affect Interest in Sex? | Men's Health

DoubleDragons

I felt awkward at first, too, when I first got sober as almost all of the sex my husband and I had involved alcohol. I was very free-spirited in my drinking days and I was afraid that was all going to go away.

Now, at almost 18 months sober, sex is better than ever! No dulled sensations. It just takes time to feel comfortable in your own skin again and you will.

red3215

Sometimes the problem is with the other person not making you feel attractive like they should.Well I think that's the job of the partner to compliment and make the other as secure about their appearance, performance, and so on, as possible.

heartcore

I felt very nervous about sober sex when I first came back after my relapse. At other times that I have been in sobriety, I've been with a long term partner who I was already comfortable and confident with. This time, I'm single, and so the prospect of sexuality in sobriety seemed daunting.

I went the first six months without dating. I didn't miss sex, and was actually kind of relieved to have it off the table. Then, about a month ago, BAM!! I found myself "ready" to be in relationship - not just physically, but emotionally.

I reconnected with an ex-lover, and that whole part of my life is reaffirmed and coming back to life... I'm glad for the happy accident of finding someone I feel safe with; I would have been super-shy with a new relationship. I don't know that this will develop into a partnership or anything (there are some challenges to the situation that remain the same as when we last dated), BUT I am thankful for the opportunity to experience confident sober sexuality, to "practice"....

So far, I'm with DD that the sex is better sober. I also agree with Ms. RedSlipper that the affirmations of your partner can contribute mightily to feeling attractive and sexy. If that isn't an easy or natural thing for your partner (complimenting your appearance), you might want to let them know how much you need that right now.

I believe that our ability to be present in our body is one of the great gifts of sobriety, and sex is a venue where you can tell immediately whether or not you are present or are disconnected/disassociated. I also get body work (massage and rolfing) as an avenue to feeling my own body experiences. In some ways, sex can be a meditation on the sensations and experiences of the body.

Finally, if you're not feeling beautiful, it is a good thing to put some of your recovery time and energy into doing the project of feeling good about your appearance. Exercise, eating well, getting your hair done, etc., all contribute to your own sense of confidence and power and - for me - the better I feel about myself, the easier it is to stay sober!

I've never been a "girly-girl," but in sobriety I'm playing with appearance in a way I haven't in the past. I found that I love the feeling of getting my hair done in a salon, etc., it makes me feel beautiful for days. If you're in a place where you don't have money for fancifying, you can always enlist a friend and fancy each other up at home.

I don't mean to reduce anxiety at sexuality to an answer of "go get your hair done," but in my own quest to reclaim my sexuality in sobriety, every effort I've made toward feeling more confident has reflected itself back to me and is helping me reclaim my core self.

The truth is that I was drunk for my sexuality in the past because I didn't feel confident. So I have to do the work of figuring that out, looking at how I was taking care of myself and also at the quality of the partners I was choosing (not folks whose priority was to make me feel comfortable). It is all part of personal growth. I am happier when I have a positive and joyous sexual life.

Jillian2563

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think I'll talk to my dr this Wednesday about lowering my dosage of zoloft as I think my anxiety stemmed from alcohol and now that I'm not drinking, she will be more willing to give me Xanax for emergency attacks. I think being newly sober and on an ssr are contributing to the lack of libido.

DrunkTx

Jillian, hopefully it is not inappropriate for me as a male to comment. I have found sober sex to be the ultimate state of happiness, excitement, and fulfillment. It does all predicate for me on a trusted relationship, but after eight years I hope you feel like you are there. One secret I found with my wife, was to rely a little less on my confidence in my physical appearance because like you I was in a state of flux. Rather I relied on our goofy nature, and honestly making it quirky fun while I was building up my confidence. Hopefully this is not TMI (but I only share because the gist might help you). One of my big bugaboos was asking my wife to experiment with respect to internal vs. external climaxes. Heheh....it was almost clinical - kind of like Masters and Johnson. In all my drunkness, I could never really tell what was real, or what was happening. Sober, (early on) I may have focused on one form of peak, then chuckled and said "hold on hold on, let's try this...." Holy cow was it awkward, but it broke the ice, it made it fun, and it certainly took the focus off me. Kind of like wearing the dunce cap yourself instead of having it put on for you. Over time, our evolution has been amongst the most sensual and rewarding experiences of our marriage. She is my rock for sure!!!

Jillian2563

Lol drunktx, thanks for making me smile. Maybe I should not worry so much about my self appearance/confidence. My husband definitely give me the attention and I just wish I could reciprocate. He tells me how hot or pretty I am, physical gestures (touching) and other things. After reading the article posted above about antidepressants, I am certain that it may have something to do with it as well as early sobriety.