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Old 03-09-2015, 09:22 AM
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mtk
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New here

My husband is an alcoholic. He drinks every afternoon/night if he doesn’t have to work the next day. I married him a year and a half ago knowing deep down there was a problem but not being able to admit it yet. Either the drinking wasn’t as bad when we first started dating or he hid it. I’m not really sure which. About a year ago I finally admitted to myself he is an alcoholic. He does not believe he has a problem. My (adult) stepchildren have since told me he has been this way their entire life. That was probably the catalyst that made me realize this wasn’t just going to go away.

There was abuse in his childhood and he blames that as the reason he drinks now. I see it as an excuse. He’s insecure. He’s passive aggressive. Are those common traits in an alcoholic? I don’t know. He’s a good person and treats me well. There is always a “but” though, isn’t there? But, when he drinks he acts like a child. It’s embarrassing. He sometimes also gets confrontational if I don’t go along with everything he wants/says. I’m trying to learn to disengage when that happens because it does no good to argue or confront him when he’s drinking. Our house is small though so there isn’t a lot of space to “get away”. If I go to bed he follows me. He doesn’t want to be alone when he’s drinking.

From reading this forum I know the general advice is to leave him. But I’m not ready to do that and may never be. I went to an addiction therapist a few months ago and had 3 sessions with her. She didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know. I’ve considered Al Anon but something in my head always stops me from going. So I guess I’m not ready for that either. I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Maybe just other people who know what it’s like.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:32 AM
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Welcome, mtk! I'm sorry for what you're going through, but so glad you found us and posted. I did not have much experience with addicts before I married my XAH. What I have learned is that alcoholism is a progressive disease ("Either the drinking wasn't as bad when we first started dating or he hid it." Probably both). That I didn't cause it, I can't control someone else's drinking, and I can't cure it. Blaming others for their problems is very common - it enables them to justify continuing to drink.

I wouldn't say the general advice here is to leave your spouse/partner, but to do what is right for YOU. Al Anon can give you tools to help you start your OWN recovery, regardless of whether your husband continues to drink. I hope you'll find a meeting near you, or an online meeting.

In the meantime, read some of the stickies at the top. I started with this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Keep coming back!
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:35 AM
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welcome! the best thing that helped me was the book "Codependent No More". Its amazing, and you are not alone.
hugs!
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:39 AM
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Hello MTK, Welcome!

I am sorry for what brought you here but so glad you found the forum. It is a step in the right direction.

I have been married to my AH for 16 years, it has been quite the roller coaster ride.

I don't quite get the feeling anyone here would suggest you leave your AH, I know they never suggested that to me when I joined. What is important is that you find what is best for YOU. If your environment is violent then yes, you would leave for your own safety. But this is your recovery, you decide what is best for you. We can offer support and suggestions

Alanon might not be for you, keep your options open. I know I hated it before I absolutely LOVED it. It truly saved my sanity.

I wish you all the best and hope you keep coming back!!
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:44 AM
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Hi Mtk! I second that you could maybe benefit from the book "codependent no more." I have had no intention to leave my boyfriend (I realize marriage is a LOT different) but after being here for a little and reading that book, I have seemed to find a lot of inner strength. Hoping to reread these forum postings and book over and over again.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:49 AM
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Welcome, MTK. I know this is all very scary for you right now, but we have a saying around here, "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." When it comes to living with an active addict, waiting around for them to change is rarely a winning proposition.

But that does not mean you have to leave right now or that anyone here will look down on your choice to stay indefinitely. It does mean, however, that if you want some relief from your situation, YOU may have to step outside your comfort zone a bit.

The good news is, you've already started by posting here. Even if you are not ready for Al-Anon, you can begin to educate yourself about the nature of addiction, and you can do that by reading as many threads here as you can and taking the book recommendations above. Alcoholism can have resounding effects on all who love and live with the addiction, and we all need as much knowledge and support to heal from it as we can get.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:52 AM
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Thanks for the welcome. It feels like a relief to have someone to talk to. My stepchildren are really the only ones who know and it doesn't feel right discussing my marriage with them, or putting any more of their dad's problems on them than they have already.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by mtk View Post
Thanks for the welcome. It feels like a relief to have someone to talk to. My stepchildren are really the only ones who know and it doesn't feel right discussing my marriage with them, or putting any more of their dad's problems on them than they have already.
How are they coping with their father's drinking? Would it be possible to take them to an Alateen meeting or therapy? I grew up with an alcoholic father and it has had far-reaching effects in my life well into adulthood.
They need to understand that their father's problems are not their problems and have a safe place to talk. That would have made all the difference in the world to me.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:13 AM
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They are all adults (over 21). They avoid him a lot, which of course he puts his own spin on the reasons. They are very open with me when he isn't around. They are very afraid to confront or upset him.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by mtk View Post
They are all adults (over 21). They avoid him a lot, which of course he puts his own spin on the reasons. They are very open with me when he isn't around. They are very afraid to confront or upset him.
Yeah, that sounds familiar. I was terrified of confrontation. As an adult child of an alcoholic attending Alanon meetings and working the steps really helped me to deal with those feelings.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:36 AM
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I wouldn't automatically say "leave him." I did end up leaving, but here's what I did prior to that -- because I felt like I wanted to know in my heart of hearts that I had indeed done everything before "giving up" on my marriage.

I started reading a lot and posting a little here (not to say you shouldn't post as much as you want -- I'm just saying I didn't, mostly because I didn't like to hear what people had to say... )

I started going to Al-Anon meetings; first weekly and then as often as I could, and working their 12-step program -- first alone, and then with a sponsor.

That way, I educated myself about what alcoholism is, what it does to the alcoholic, what it does to the people around the alcoholic, and what the prognosis is for the future -- without treatment and with treatment.

I understood my role in the dysfunction in my marriage, and I accepted that I could no more "fix" his alcoholism than I could "fix" a traumatic brain injury. I could only fix me.

Then I looked at where that left me. I tried living with it, providing self-care for myself and protecting the children (ours were younger than yours.)

And then, when his drinking progressed, his brain functions declined, and he became abusive, I left.

Many, if not most, of the people I met in Al-Anon had chosen to stay with their A spouses. In some cases, it was because they were a generation of women who had never worked, and felt like they didn't have a choice for financial reasons. In other cases, it was spouses who felt that the "for better for worse" of their marriage vows included dealing with addiction. In yet other cases, they simply didn't feel like they had the energy and strength to start over. And I never once heard anyone criticize anyone else's choices. We just supported each other where we were.

And I think that was the great thing about Al-Anon for me -- that it really is a program of personal responsibility. Nobody tells you what you should or shouldn't do -- other than that you should take responsibility for your life and your choices (and that's not "officially" in the program, that's just what I took away from it).

I'll tell you what prevented me from going to Al-Anon for a very long time: As long as I didn't go there, I could tell myself that "my husband drinks too much some days but, you know, with his history, who wouldn't?" I felt like if I walked into just ONE Al-Anon meeting, I would have admitted to myself that my husband was an alcoholic -- and then I couldn't un-admit it. I would have to live with that truth, and I would have to do something about it.

So that's the last thought I'm going to leave you with: You don't have to do anything right now. You are on your own time schedule. If you don't feel ready to go to Al-Anon, you don't. When you do feel ready, it's there. You don't have to even know what your plan for dealing with this is. It's your life, you make the decisions.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:52 AM
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I just wanted to say - I'm not sure if being insecure and passive aggressive is common to alcoholics, but those traits are certainly applicable to MY AH.
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by LittleBirds3 View Post
I just wanted to say - I'm not sure if being insecure and passive aggressive is common to alcoholics, but those traits are certainly applicable to MY AH.
Mine too, before he started the steps, anyway. And from what he says, it was true for his sponsor also.
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:16 AM
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What made the big difference in my life was Alanon, where I found emotional support and understanding and was able to handle the denial and rationalization common to codependents and alcoholics. I recommend it. A very big hug!
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:34 AM
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You are right, discussing your marriage with his children is not appropriate. I think you would benefit a lot from al-anon and from that program. I also think not understanding it stirs a lot of fear in people. So ask away here any questions on the program or fears you may have about it.

Keep posting and try and learn as much as you can about alcoholism.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:04 PM
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Mtk- Welcome, this place is amazing and you can ask anything, they will answer!!

You might look into alanon, they can help. They recommend that you do nothing for at least 6 months after entering the alanon walls. They know that your head is spinning and you are not thinking right. What you want now and what you might want in 6 months could be completely opposite.

Educate yourself, hit an alanon meeting, open aa meetings and keep reading SR. You will be amazed at what you didn't know about the disease of alcoholism.

((((((hugs my friend))))))
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