MrsVain

Hello. i am new here, registered today. so forgive me if i havent read all the threads or rules.

i am 46, have 2 boys (5 altogether) 13 & 9. divorced my alcoholic last year (march 20, 14) after 14.5 years together (married 12.5). it was the second hardest thing i had to do in my life (25 yr old daughter past away, natural, in march 2012). i loved my husband very much, his problem is that he is an alcoholic and possibly drug addict (suspected but dont have proof), my problem was (is) i never really understood what being an alcoholic really meant (still dont, but i am trying to find out, hence my finding this site) so i reacted to things incorrectly and held his actions as personal attacks. the more i read on alcoholics, it like my life verbatim. i am strong, independent, face trouble head on.....yet turned into codependent, doormat, confused walking on eggshell by the end. the ONLY reason i divorced him was because he was cheating on me AGAIN. i would have stood by his side thru anything else, i just cant handle him having sex with someone else, moved in with her and allowed her to call/text me with all sort of hateful and cruel things.

but that is not the reason i am here today. i am almost at MEH. i do still love him and worry about him but i know he doesnt want me. i understand i was an enabler. when i started my own detachment, he went downhill quickly. after i kicked him out on New Years 2014, he quickly found someone else to enable him. i suspect he was "partying" with her since oct 2013. she is an alcoholic and meth user. but she "takes" care of him and she lets him drink as much as he wants, in fact she joins him. basically she is doing everything for him the way i did. only she is NOT a good person. she trolls for unhappy married men for boyfriends, ours is not the first marriage she destroyed, she specializes in "helping" the poor man during his painful divorce/separation, only the other 2 went back to their wives. i did not want him back so i let him go. she thinks she "won". she interfered with his visitations. would not let XH answer when the boys asked him questions or tried to talk to him. when they played basketball, football, tag, or catch, she would always throw herself on XH and placed herself physically between him and the kids. (the children told me this themselves as well as another 3rd party) she had him everyday, 24/7 and couldnt allow him 4 hours on Sunday every other weekend to spend time with his 2 boys. which was whatever, i dont like her but it is what it is. until she started lying to my sons, blame shifting onto me to make her and XH look better. once i tried to have Xh come over and talk to 13 yr old (was 12 at the time) because i was having so much trouble with his anger, fighting at school with classmates and teachers. so i texted his phone telling him what was going on. he answered me until she took his phone and starting answering for him (i know when she would do that but usually kept texting anyhow) and finally she said in answer to my "can you come over and talk with him, he is not listening to me".... "HE IS MINE. YOU DIVORCED HIM." i asked her what did that have to do with him talking to his son? and just "HE IS MINE. I LOVE HIM"

so anyway after 2 months of her crazy, i didnt want my kids around her. i asked XH to come to my house for visitation on their request because they didnt want to be around her either. he did twice, last time was fathers day. then the crazy went out of control again the next time i texted him to come visit. basically she/he said he will not come over to my house to see kids. that he wanted to see kids not me (not even sure where that came from since i usually left them alone, went outside or upstairs) and not to bother him again unless it had to do with the kids. i replied that i would not call or text again requesting him visit his kids but that the next time he wanted to see them he would have to call me and make arrangements. so far we havent heard or seen from him since. he quit his job, so therefore i do not have his cell number (i am sure he has a new cell but i dont have the number), quit paying child support, lost his truck, he has moved to another town living with someone, so i dont have his address. although he comes to town at least once or twice a month, he never calls to visit the kids. and is working side jobs so i cant send the garnishment papers.

what i am wondering, is this typical behavior of alcoholics? people have told me that he is drinking more then he ever has, have seen him completely wasted (alcohol or drugs i do not know). i just dont know what to think and really i cant do anything. i dont tell my boys anything, just answer their questions honestly but i worry that they will be damaged in the future by this. i would like someone to tell me their story from someone who has dealt with it in the past. has this happened to you, what was the outcome. has anyones Alcoholic ex recovered enough to be a parent to their children, and how do you handle that.any advice is welcome.

thank you and sorry for so long.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR! You have come so far in dealing with the destruction of your marriage! I really have to commend you on that!

You ask, is this typically behavior of an A? The answer is Yes - particularly for one who is active in their addiction.

I'm sorry about the lack of a father figure. I think Formyboys has posted on her issues raising sons. There will be folks on who can speak to your parenting concerns.

Thank you for posting. glad you are here!

TJD912

Hi, MrsVain. My story in some ways is similar to yours. The answer is yes, it is typical, and it will not get better. Even if he goes into recovery, and I mean full recovery (not just "not drinking", but owning all he's done and not blaming everyone around him for his choices) he is still an addict. Albeit, a recovering addict. But there's a high % of relapse and then...you're starting all over again. You did the right thing by divorcing. I am this close to the papers being signed and I can't wait.

I did all I could in my marriage...I was not an enabler, but then I was called cold, callous, not doing what he needed, and because of that he diagnosed me with some personality disorders along the way. It was also why, he tells me, he had an affair. She gave him what he "needed". Same as yours...what she gave was allowance to drink whenever he wanted and she was trying to "save" him because I was not able to. Two professionals acting like total trash. It was those supposed personality disorders that were now to blame for his choices to have the affair and be on his sober/relapse roller coaster. I'd bet my savings he'd have made the same choices if I enabled him all the live long day. If you keep reading, you'll see it's always the same story in many ways. The only way to have a happy life is to escape it.

You can't do anything, don't waste your time thinking about it or what you shoulda coulda done differently because it's not something you have control over, and answering the questions honestly that your boys have is the best thing to do, or you'd be enabling their dad.

If you click on my name, you can find a couple of threads I started. You can see some posts I answered in others' threads as well. Maybe they will help. Prayers to you for your sanity and a peaceful life.

Thomas45

Just a comment here. It isn't the other woman who destroyed your marriage, it was your husband and his lack of responsibility and self control. She didn't "make him cheat", he did that himself.

redatlanta

I have seen both ways that an active will stay involved and also disappear like yours did.

The ones who stay involved are a nightmare. The sober spouse tormented constantly by the A, the kids tormented by the A. Sometimes the A is really mad at the spouse and will use the kids to torment them, drive drunk with kids. Abuse. Its not pretty.

So all in all its best he disappeared. I'm sorry he is not paying the child support its worth the loss IMO.

Yes sometimes people hit rock bottom FINALLY and do get sober. No one can say if he will I can tell you its less likely than likely.

I'm sorry for what you went through - I am glad you are free. Welcome to SR.

maia1234

Mrs. Vain, Welcome and I am sorry you are here. Yes, it is totally typical what your XH has done and will continue to do. I hate to say that you will find many stories like yours.

I know you are worried about your boys, in the long run you are better off having him out of your life then the craziness of him in their life. I would recommend all of getting some support. I understand you have no money coming in from him so things are tight. Alanon and open aa meeting are free. Visit them and educate yourself with the disease of alcoholism. Its a horrible disease and it takes are love ones away from the people who love them.

I know you can't understand this but you are doing the best you can for your boys. Going No Concact (nc) from his is wonderful. Move on in your life. Maybe you XH will get his crxp together and maybe he won't. But you don't have to watch him kill himself with drugs and alcohol.

Keep reading the stickies as they are very helpful. Keep posting and I promise you, you will feel a little better.

Hugs my friend, you and your boys will be OK!!

fluffyflea

Yes all normal behaviour for the active Alcoholic....,,

MrsVain

yes i understand that. i also understand that if it wasnt her it would have been someone else eventually because boyman is weak.

HOWEVER. she IS responsible also. she does not get a "get out of jail free" pass just because he eventually might have cheated with someone else.

she is a horrible person. she KNEW about his marriage. SHE KNEW i was in love with him and trying to work out our problems. SHE KNEW that his little boys idolized him and needed him. AND SHE KNEW SHE WAS GETTING INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN!!!! THAT is NOT okay. THAT is NOT what a good person does. she didnt "Make him cheat" but she d*mn sure encouraged it, cheered it on, make him feel better about doing it AND keep her legs open. She worked HARD to get him. and she worked HARD to keep him after the fact....

and for THAT i blame her for destroying my marriage. i hope that made sense.

MrsVain

thank you, i will check out your posts. i am still working on the sanity and peaceful life thing.

i really didnt understand alcoholism, and missed a lot of things. like i said i have no clue wtf happened. there are a lot of missing pieces and although i have decided that i am NEVER going to figure it all out and i need to move on, it seems like the more i read about alcoholic behavior....the more it puts in the pieces.

i was lost on his behavior towards the kids. he was so involved with them when he was home. he was very active in their lives to just suddenly walk off into the sunset and carry on like his children were never born? mindf*cked the h8ll out of me.

i admit that i am a little worried that one of these days he will pull his head out and remember he has 2 boys. i dont think it is healthy for the children to have "dear old daddy" pop in and out of their lives once a year or so even if he is sober. right now it is not an issues since he doesnt seem to care. but it is the not caring that is driving me nuts.

thank you for responding. i appreciate it

MrsVain

that actually WAS one of my concerned after i filed for divorce. i was concerned i would have 3 AM pounding of the door demands to "see" his children, among other things. he once tried to walk out with my 3 month old in the dead of winter, because he came home drunk and i told him to turn around and go back where ever it was that he came from. he WAS NOT going to leave without his son. now the divorce was final for 3 months (12 years later) and i was doing everything to have him involved in the kids lives and he walks away, just like that *snaps fingers*? i was completely shocked that he JUST DISAPPEARED and DOESNT SEEM TO CARE about the boys. it seems so out of character (do A have character?) that i guess i am trying to pin it on his alcoholism. i never dealt with or lived with an alcoholic.
i appreciate your response. thank you very much.

LexieCat

Well, you referred to his cheating on you "AGAIN," as well as the fact that he is an alcoholic and drug user, so it seems that the problems pre-dated her involvement.

Regardless, water under the bridge now. In response to your question, I wouldn't say his behavior is "typical" of alcoholics, but it certainly isn't unusual, either. Some people spiral further, faster, than others.

What are you doing for YOURSELF and your kids to make your lives better? I'd suggest Al-Anon as a good resource for you and Alateen for them. School counselors are another good resource.

How do you know he comes to town a couple times a month? Is he supposed to pay child support to you directly or through the court?

Hawks

Distilled to its essence, alcoholism is essentially a complete and utter inability to deal with everyday life and it's problems.

Drinking gives the "illusion " that those problems and the associated emotions that go with them, have "disappeared "

Of course they have not, but that's the illusion.

The inability to deal with everyday life and problems stems from chronic emotional immaturity.

Normal people mature as they grow up and learn to face things.

Alcoholic folk can't face stuff, so booze is the shelter (illusion)

Moral standards decline slowly at first and more rapidly as the alcoholism progresses.

This causes more problems and issues, plus more painful emotions, hence the drinking escalates.

If you would like to educate yourself more, I'd suggest reading the book "Alcoholics Anonymous.

MrsVain

thank you. i tell you i was so confused. i am getting better, almost to the point that i just dont care. these were the last of my "issues". the hardest thing is watching someone you love destroy themselves. i was wondering if my confusing and some of the things that i am dealing with was due to Alcoholism or was i just plain crazy. haha i am trying to fix ME, to be a better ME, so i can take care of my children better. but some of the stuff that rocked my world, my reactions, some of my thoughts, i just couldnt understand.

since i am still not fully educated on what/how/who an alcoholic acts, thinks and behaves i am still learning. some (if not most) of our marital issues where due to his drinking. he really wasnt a bad man, wasnt a bad husband or father. i believe he really did try. maybe if i knew more or understood more, i could have helped me. he seemed to try to struggle with it all on his own. in the end, he found someone who understood his drinking or at least didnt care about it.

MrsVain

so the children and i are nothing. just another issue he drinks to forget.

*sigh* i was hoping that he would at least feel bad for what he did to us. i was hoping that this would force him to "hit bottom" so that he would seek help. now he has his wonderful married s1ut who "understands" and "respects" him and gets to wipe the slate clean, to start all over.

it is still hard for me just to forget him. my children will never forget him. so sad that we are just collateral damage for him.

MrsVain

yes, i had dealt with another one before this one. what is with these bottom feeders that latch on to married men? but this one is particular evil. she actually trolls for married men for boyfriends. who does that kind of sh*t?

how do i know he comes to town? small town, people love to tell me they see him. it was on the divorce papers for him to pay child support to me. however, i have a writ of garnishment. he is not employed for me to enforce it.

the boys are seeing school counselors, i am trolling the Internet for understanding. i have talked with the divorce care people, my priest and others. i am ok with the divorce. it was just some of my own behaviors i was wondering about. hence the search for alcoholics. i dont even know what i should ask since i am not sure how much of my own behavior developed from his alcoholism. i find this site wonderful as well as the people on it. forgive my ignorance. like i mentioned before...............the more i find out, the more pieces seem to fit.

MrsVain

Check! that sounds like my XH but he would also sabotage when things were not problematic. he just couldnt handle "normal" either.

Check! he admitted to drowning out his "problems" and using alcohol as a crutch.

Check! Xh never solved a single "problem" or issue. in fact he was still bringing up things we had problems with when we were first married that i thought we had already fixed.

Check! XH is VERY emotional immature. but he could be o so sweet MOST of the time.

Check! i often felt that i was growing and he was not. and although he never exactly committed the same mistake twice after we talked about it, it was like he would pull something just as similar. For instance, i would tell him not to drive the truck because we dont have insurance on it. so he wouldnt drive the truck, but he would take the car that we also didnt have insurance on it.... ugh. most "normal" people could figure out it was the same issue, but he would argue that i didnt say anything about the car or whatever. it was that crazy making thinking that messes me up. of course i never responded "properly" to it either nor was i ever "prepared" for it.

Check! he drank more when things were rough. but he caused a lot of the "rough" to happen just for an excuse to drink more.

Check! the OW has zero morals. i believed that XH had the same as i did. and now it makes more sense as to his actions now that he is drinking just about everyday.

CHeck! i saw it cause more problems as our 12.5 marriage progressed (was with him 14.5) there was soOOOoo much i just couldnt understand. this is another one of those puzzle pieces i was missing.

everything i read online on Alcoholics Anoymous was not helpful. maybe i am just not googling the right question. but thank you. i will see if the library has a book. i appreciate your response.

sg1970

Sorry for all your troubles. The number one priority for us alkies is alcohol sadly enough. We may care about kids but alcohol comes first. As far as him hitting bottom, she is holding him up and slowing that down.

LexieCat

I think it's great that you found us here, and I think it would be even better to find some good Al-Anon meetings. There's something about letting it all out, right in front of people who totally "get it," that is very therapeutic. Even better, there is a program you can work that will help you put back the pieces of yourself.

As far as the support goes, I'd suggest calling your family court and finding out what needs to be done to have him arrested for nonsupport. The sheriff's department can track him down easily, even if you can't. Usually what happens is that someone will be locked up until they appear in court and make payment of their arrears and/or make as much payment as they can with an agreement to follow up. If he's shirking his obligations, let the system do its work on your behalf. The court can't force him to be a decent father, but it can force him to pay to support those children. And that right belongs to the kids, not you. They have a RIGHT to financial support from their father.

Hugs, hope you will stick around.

LexieCat

What Hawks was suggesting was reading the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous." Here's a link to read it online: Big Book Online.

TJD912

Hawks has it right on the head. The utter inability to deal with every day life. I lost count how many times my XAH said: "Nobody can walk in my shoes and survive!" (He's a dad with three kids, and doing their laundry after work gave him the impression he was superman doing things no other dad does) "I have the hardest job in the entire district!" (No, he's not the superintendent, or even the assistant superintendent...) "All I ever wanted was to know that you'd be willing to help me! I can't rely on you!" (The only thing I *didn't* do was his kids laundry. We had a blended family of 7...he did nothing but mow the lawn and I was supposed to acknowledge and thank him.)

You get the point...I don't know how much recovery it takes to get to a point of "normal" thinking for an alcoholic, but judging by the hundreds of posts I read before registering, I'd say the road is long and arduous. Being in any relationship hinders progress, and staying in the relationship they were in when they were active not only sets them back, but triggers that poisonous thinking.

My almost XAH is so entrenched in his blaming and poisonous thinking that I don't know what will save him. He has so much potential.