Berrybean

Oh my goodness. Every part of Step 4 seems so vast. I feel like I'm on an ocean.

I've done a lot of work on my resentments, but think I will still need to add ones that I've forgotten (hopefully not intentionally!!) and have ascribed character defects to my part in those resentments. This was bizarrely peace-filling, so I know that step four has the potential to be an amazing piece of work. It's just so B I G !!

Anyway - my task for this afternoon is to decide which character assets I have. Wish me luck!!

sugarbear1

those defects can have an opposite and some can be assets......

Berrybean

Yes - I'm starting to see that as I work through them I suppose a lot of this could be about accepting 'shades of grey' rather than being so black / white; good / bad; right / wrong in my approach to myself. It's strange how taking responsibility can actually feel like giving myself some slack. I'm going to exhausted after just an hour of this!!

Berrybean

Am dabbling in 'fears' now.

How empowering already! Out of 20 looked at so far, I am part-way responsible for 19 of them. That means that I have some control over them. Woah!!

mick3580

Character asserts is not part of step four if you are planning to recover from alcoholism through the aa method.

Boleo

" Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others."
(page 74)

Berrybean

It was given to me by my sponsor, so I did it. There were a number of things to work through on the file she sent me. Resentments; Harms; Character Defects; then as the flip side to the defects, the Character assets.

I've been through all the step 4 work with her as my Step 5 stuff now, and she didn't say I shouldn't have completed it. I did notice that it is only very briefly mentioned in the 12 and 12 and we didn't spend much time on that sheet. Maybe it got attached to the file she sent me in error, or maybe there is some reason that she has behind it. I don't know. But it's done now anyway and I can't 'undo' it.

Tommyh

I have never seen anyone drink because of making out a assets list.
what can it hurt?

tomsteve

I agree. MANY of us, me included,spent many years beating ourselves up. Walked into AA with low/ no self esteem. Hated ourselves more than anything/ anyone else.
It was good for me to see I wasn't As hopeless,helpless,useless, and worthless as I perceived.

Carlotta

That's one thing I really liked about doing my fourth step in Al Anon: being able to also list my character assets so I could get really a good overlook at myself.
That was the same for me.
I also realized that some of my character assets were the flip side of my character defects like two sides of a coin and that some of my character defects were character assets run amock.
I ve been following your posts BeccyBean and you are doing some work on yourself. Good going

Berrybean

Thanks Carlotta - love your avatar by the way x

Gottalife

I don't necessarily disagree with this, but it is not the stated purpose of the fourth step is it?

"First, we searched out the flaws in our make up which caused our failure... An inventory of your grosser handicaps... You have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself."

The first purpose seems to be only to find liabilities and understand how they affect us "we resolutely look for our own mistakes... Where were we to blame?

But also we are shown prayers and solutions like tolerance, pity, patience, kindness,. "We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." An assets list might help with this.

The early members often used the idea of striving for an asset as a means to deal with a defect. The answer to fear is to develop faith for example. The defects were the main thing on the list and perhaps it even helps to understand them if we also see the corresponding assett.

Berrybean

I think the idea is that you find the flaw; look at the flip-side; and then have to think how you can use it in your life in a positive way (instead of the damaging way you have chosen in the past)

The capitalised headings below are the ones from the Assets sheet I was given...

ASSET IDENTIFIED:
WHAT SHOWS ME THAT I HAVE THIS ASSET:
HOW DO I CURRENTLY USE THIS ASSET:
HOW COULD THIS ASSET HELP ME TO MOVE FORWARD IN MY RECOVERY & LIFE:
ACTION PLAN:

I think it's as much to spur positive action than anything else. A bit like the harms list can be turned round at the end to create the idea of the way you want to conduct yourself in future relationships. It's pointing out that it's up to us to take responsibility for turning things round. The character flaws are not any kind of excuse. It's what we chose to do with them that matters. (It's not just to make us feel better, or soften the blow. To be honest, my procrastinator side meant that my first instinct on look at it was to feel dismayed to see the 'Action Plan' column. )

I'm fairly sure that she didn't make the sheets up herself, or that I'm the only person who has done it this way. There are an abundance of different layouts of sheets on the internet alone.

Gottalife

I think we have to be careful not to introduce psychology into this step. Its purpose is to conduct an honest survey of how we are now (having just stopped drinking) identifying character flaws that caused our failure and which, through later steps, we will ask God to remove. This is quite different to a self improvement plan in which we fix ourselves. Such a plan is not so effective with us because "the neccesary power is not there"

So we look at the truth about ourselves and carry that forward to the next step.

A very knowledgeable old timer suggests that it is a mistake to go after our own character defects. He reckons that we are bound to go after the wrong one and we will end up waving an angry stick at nothing and have an even more cleverly concealed defect. He talks about the risk of pulling out the good plants with the weeds.

What he was talking about was exactly what I did, playing God in a way. I decided, in all my wisdom (lol) that my biggest character defect was that I was irresponsible. I'm not even sure that is a defect, but anyway I set out to be responsible, and what chaos ensued. It turns out I had a really wierd idea of what being responsible meant. Even when I tried to do the right thing, I was still wrong.

I learned that God is much better than me at fixing my defects if I let him. I make too many mistakes when I try and fix myself. In actual fact I never managed to fix one single defect. How I am today is entirely God's work. Thats the big advantage of a spiritual program.

mick3580

Following a sponsor's direction is typically pretty reliable.