Mom of adult alcohol abuser
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
Mom of adult alcohol abuser
Hello, I have a daughter that has struggled with alcohol abuse since she was 13 and she's now 30.
I've tried talking to her but she's in complete denial that there is a problem. For the most part, she is functional. She is able to go to work every day.
I haven't gone into detail about our journey, but I'm willing to share.
Ideally I'd love to hear advice on how to love her and encourage her to get help and start enjoying life.
I look forward to hearing from you!
I've tried talking to her but she's in complete denial that there is a problem. For the most part, she is functional. She is able to go to work every day.
I haven't gone into detail about our journey, but I'm willing to share.
Ideally I'd love to hear advice on how to love her and encourage her to get help and start enjoying life.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Welcome, Goop! I am also the parent of an adult alcoholic. Mine thought he functioned just fine until he got a DUI. The consequences are enormous and hopefully enough to make him never pick up another bottle.
Is your daughter reluctant to even talk about the problem? Because our son lives with us, I am able to impose some rules, which will help in the long run. If he did not live with us, it would be very difficult.
The people on this forum are unbelievably kind, gracious, and knowledgeable. Please keep posting and reading! Good Luck to you and your daughter!
Is your daughter reluctant to even talk about the problem? Because our son lives with us, I am able to impose some rules, which will help in the long run. If he did not live with us, it would be very difficult.
The people on this forum are unbelievably kind, gracious, and knowledgeable. Please keep posting and reading! Good Luck to you and your daughter!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Hi Goop, welcome to the forum. I can't give you any advice as I was the drinker before I stopped. But there are plenty of people who will help you and have similar experiences.
Not sure if you've looked around the site but there is a ' friends and family' forum which may help you.
Not sure if you've looked around the site but there is a ' friends and family' forum which may help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
Thanks all!
Mags1, you might be the perfect person to give advice. I have trouble understanding her thinking. You might be able to shed some light on that.
INgal, My daughter has had two DUIs. But they were not her fault, of course. She hasn't had her license for 6-7 years. In the beginning I didn't help her with transportation. However; she has given me a beautiful grandson and since his birth almost 4 years ago, I have been more inclined to help.
I worry about her mental well being. I want her to be happy but realize I can't make her happy. I also worry about the care she gives my grandson. I worry that she sleeps most of the time they are together and he fends for himself. She is a single mom, works and has been taking classes. I tend to have him more than she does, which is fine by me.
Any advice on what to do and what not to do is much appreciated!!
Mags1, you might be the perfect person to give advice. I have trouble understanding her thinking. You might be able to shed some light on that.
INgal, My daughter has had two DUIs. But they were not her fault, of course. She hasn't had her license for 6-7 years. In the beginning I didn't help her with transportation. However; she has given me a beautiful grandson and since his birth almost 4 years ago, I have been more inclined to help.
I worry about her mental well being. I want her to be happy but realize I can't make her happy. I also worry about the care she gives my grandson. I worry that she sleeps most of the time they are together and he fends for himself. She is a single mom, works and has been taking classes. I tend to have him more than she does, which is fine by me.
Any advice on what to do and what not to do is much appreciated!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome.
As suggested above see the Friends and Family forum on this site and the attendance of Al Anon meetings in your area can be a blessing for your mental and emotional health. I’m not saying we like all we hear even if it’s spot on.
BE WELL
As suggested above see the Friends and Family forum on this site and the attendance of Al Anon meetings in your area can be a blessing for your mental and emotional health. I’m not saying we like all we hear even if it’s spot on.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Goop, that a lot on your plate. I understand completely about your grandson. He is innocent in all of this and I too, would be motivated to help out because of him.
My son is in a intensive outpatient program. He attends counseling and sees the doctor 3x per week. He is also on Antabuse, a drug that will make him violently ill if he drinks. So far, that has kept him dry. I administer it so I know he has it in his system.
If you feel your grandson is neglected due to your daughter's alcohol abuse, are you willing to report it? I used to work with the state in a volunteer capacity and generally they would insist the parent go for treatment. They want to keep families together as much possible, so I don't think they'd remove the child but I am not positive.
I wish I could be of more assistance. This life they (and we) are living is complete hell. Don't hesitate to ask for help, and read as many posts as possible. This forum has kept me from going over the edge many times!
My son is in a intensive outpatient program. He attends counseling and sees the doctor 3x per week. He is also on Antabuse, a drug that will make him violently ill if he drinks. So far, that has kept him dry. I administer it so I know he has it in his system.
If you feel your grandson is neglected due to your daughter's alcohol abuse, are you willing to report it? I used to work with the state in a volunteer capacity and generally they would insist the parent go for treatment. They want to keep families together as much possible, so I don't think they'd remove the child but I am not positive.
I wish I could be of more assistance. This life they (and we) are living is complete hell. Don't hesitate to ask for help, and read as many posts as possible. This forum has kept me from going over the edge many times!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
I realize there is no talking someone into being sober. It hurts to watch her suffer when she doesn't need to. Is there anything I can do to encourage her? And anything I should absolutely not do?
I'd love to her your thoughts!
I'd love to her your thoughts!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Have you tried our friends & family section youl find additional support there as well as here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Here for you 24/7 Goop
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Here for you 24/7 Goop
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Hiya Goop. When I was drinking I knew inside I wanted to and should stop but couldn't. I was addicted. My life revolved around the next drink. I worked and on the surface looked like anyone else. But I went to work most days in a fog of hangovers without even realising it.
It took something drastic like my husband leaving me to realise what I was doing to my life. We reconciled, I haven't drank since, but not because of my husband but because I wanted to.
That's what your daughter has got to want, to recognise it, acknowledge it then stop. Unfortunately, no one but herself can do it for her.
It took something drastic like my husband leaving me to realise what I was doing to my life. We reconciled, I haven't drank since, but not because of my husband but because I wanted to.
That's what your daughter has got to want, to recognise it, acknowledge it then stop. Unfortunately, no one but herself can do it for her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
I was told in no uncertain terms that we need to detach. Everything else is up to her. The rock bottom might be if they taker her child away. It sounds horrible, but if that should happen, that might be the wake-up call she needs.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Welcome to the family. 
That's good that you have your grandchild so much. That might be his only stability.
I agree there's not much you can do for your daughter. She has to want recovery for herself and she has to put in the effort.
I wish the best for you.
That's good that you have your grandchild so much. That might be his only stability. I agree there's not much you can do for your daughter. She has to want recovery for herself and she has to put in the effort.
I wish the best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
Terrible weekend
Saturday morning at 5:00 am my phone rings and it's her name that comes up. I knew it had to be bad if I'm getting a call at 5:00.
It was a man that works at Lambo's gas station and knows her. He asked if I was her mom then proceeded to tell me she was there, drunk and passed out. He knows her and didn't want to get her in trouble by calling the cops. Not fully awake I told him I'd get dressed and come up there. After I got out of bed I decided it wasn't worth getting her son up at 5:00 am and get him out in the cold to go see her in this condition. So I called the police.
They went there, she was basically comatose, so they called an ambulance and took her to the hospital.
I had to call a friend for support. She came over and we went to the hospital. It's around 12:00 noon now. I went into ER and my friend kept my grandson in the lobby. There was nothing wrong with my daughter. She was just sleeping it off. They woke her up to go home with me. She didn't know how she got to the hospital. She only has a vague memory of being in the bar she was in that night. Nothing about being at the gas station or the ride in the ambulance. She was still drunk and stumbling at 1:00 when we left the hospital. I took her to her house and kept my grandson with me as she worked last night and today.
I know I need to make a call to child services. I'm having such a hard time with it. She's my daughter and I love her. I hate to do it to her. But I also know that my grandson can't left in that situation. I know she has been drinking at home. I just can't prove he's there when she does it.
I worry sick about him for fear she will pass out and something bad will happen. I don't think Casey Anthony meant to kill little Caylee. I think she just wanted to party. I realize that's a little extreme for an example, but it's not far from the truth.
I feel compelled to give my daughter an ultimatum. To tell her she needs to seek help and make those calls within 24/48 hours or I will call child services.
I realize that may not be the best strategy. I need to hear from you guys. I've posted on friends and family, but would like to hear the feedback from this thread too.
Give it to me! I need to hear it!
It was a man that works at Lambo's gas station and knows her. He asked if I was her mom then proceeded to tell me she was there, drunk and passed out. He knows her and didn't want to get her in trouble by calling the cops. Not fully awake I told him I'd get dressed and come up there. After I got out of bed I decided it wasn't worth getting her son up at 5:00 am and get him out in the cold to go see her in this condition. So I called the police.
They went there, she was basically comatose, so they called an ambulance and took her to the hospital.
I had to call a friend for support. She came over and we went to the hospital. It's around 12:00 noon now. I went into ER and my friend kept my grandson in the lobby. There was nothing wrong with my daughter. She was just sleeping it off. They woke her up to go home with me. She didn't know how she got to the hospital. She only has a vague memory of being in the bar she was in that night. Nothing about being at the gas station or the ride in the ambulance. She was still drunk and stumbling at 1:00 when we left the hospital. I took her to her house and kept my grandson with me as she worked last night and today.
I know I need to make a call to child services. I'm having such a hard time with it. She's my daughter and I love her. I hate to do it to her. But I also know that my grandson can't left in that situation. I know she has been drinking at home. I just can't prove he's there when she does it.
I worry sick about him for fear she will pass out and something bad will happen. I don't think Casey Anthony meant to kill little Caylee. I think she just wanted to party. I realize that's a little extreme for an example, but it's not far from the truth.
I feel compelled to give my daughter an ultimatum. To tell her she needs to seek help and make those calls within 24/48 hours or I will call child services.
I realize that may not be the best strategy. I need to hear from you guys. I've posted on friends and family, but would like to hear the feedback from this thread too.
Give it to me! I need to hear it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I'd highly recommend starting a new thread to get the attention of the community versus continuing this thread since I think it's going to get lost in the mix.
While I think your heart is in the right place considering your grandson, I am concerned it could adversely affect your future relationship with your grandson if you corner your daughter with this. I really don't have any advice since I am at a loss how to go about that as well and hope you get some good feedback.
While I think your heart is in the right place considering your grandson, I am concerned it could adversely affect your future relationship with your grandson if you corner your daughter with this. I really don't have any advice since I am at a loss how to go about that as well and hope you get some good feedback.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
I am sorry you are going through this. She had to want it. No amount of ultimatums will do it. It breaks my heart what I put my parents and kids through not being able to quit for them. It wasn't that I didn't love them enough. It was that I hated myself more than I loved them. The only thing you can really do is keep your grandchild safe. She had to get there on get own.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
I don't know child services laws, but I'd want to be sure they give you the grandson, if they take him from her. If not, maybe give her the ultimatum: give me the grandson and get sober or else.. This will be tough no matter what path you take, my prayers are with you.
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