I finally met me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
I finally met me!
I've never really been one to reach out to people for help. Just put on a smile and pull through. So in recovery, I found myself going at it alone. A couple of threads on SR is all I wanted to take up from someones time. Because all of you probably want to help the good people on here, rather than bad little ol' me. But there was something not right about me thinking like that.
I was not going anywhere, no job, no friends, on a half year waiting list for counselling, so it's just me and my pets. I just started to read the internet. Just searching. Low self esteem. Forgiving yourself. Internal voice. Last but not least, narcissistic mother (tip: The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller). A lot of things resonated but kept feeling inherently bad, I even had to put my car in storage because of the invasive thoughts of what I would do to myself. But kept reading, till my a** hurt from sitting all day.
On day 60 (4 days ago) it paid off. As I was reading:
"WHO REALLY didn’t know who I was?
It didn’t matter which realisation exploded up into my awareness one after the other after the other, it all led to the same truth – “People can only love, connect to and treat me at the level I love, connect to and treat myself”.
This doesn’t mean I was a BAD people – it meant I could be really BAD to myself.
And why are we bad to ourselves? The answer is simple, because our world and role models have taught us that we are the LAST person we should give our own love, devotion and attention to.
This journey taught me profoundly how totally screwed up that is…"
And suddenly, there she was, me. The mini-me I came across, was feeling pretty bad. She was getting so much negative reinforcement, from her parents, her peers, the people that were supposed to teach her,that she could do nothing else but internalise all that negativity. And I finally got to hold her, and tell her, she's not bad. And that I am sorry she had to go through all that, by herself, and that ANYONE would have been affected, having to carry her burdain. I told the little girl that a lot of bad things would happen to her along the way, things she just doesn't deserve.
And I got to tell her that she would be fine, that there IS someone who can love her like she deserves. That's me, little one. I'm sorry, and I love you.
It feels like I am whole, for the first time in my life.
If you have an inkling of what went wrong for you to want to destroy yourself, take your new found sobriety, all the time you have on your hands, and read, read, read. You are not the first to ask the internet what to do with yourself, and someones words might just wake you up. Go to thrift stores and stock up on books. Keep reading, though it hurts sometimes and tears will flow. If you have someone to talk to, do so, and ask them to be honest even though it smarts. Write down things that ring true. Look at your previous and current relationships and try to see and understand what they say about the relationship you have with your inner child. Look closely, the little boy or girl might be hurt and in need of your love.
I finally met me, and I love her.
I was not going anywhere, no job, no friends, on a half year waiting list for counselling, so it's just me and my pets. I just started to read the internet. Just searching. Low self esteem. Forgiving yourself. Internal voice. Last but not least, narcissistic mother (tip: The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller). A lot of things resonated but kept feeling inherently bad, I even had to put my car in storage because of the invasive thoughts of what I would do to myself. But kept reading, till my a** hurt from sitting all day.
On day 60 (4 days ago) it paid off. As I was reading:
"WHO REALLY didn’t know who I was?
It didn’t matter which realisation exploded up into my awareness one after the other after the other, it all led to the same truth – “People can only love, connect to and treat me at the level I love, connect to and treat myself”.
This doesn’t mean I was a BAD people – it meant I could be really BAD to myself.
And why are we bad to ourselves? The answer is simple, because our world and role models have taught us that we are the LAST person we should give our own love, devotion and attention to.
This journey taught me profoundly how totally screwed up that is…"
And suddenly, there she was, me. The mini-me I came across, was feeling pretty bad. She was getting so much negative reinforcement, from her parents, her peers, the people that were supposed to teach her,that she could do nothing else but internalise all that negativity. And I finally got to hold her, and tell her, she's not bad. And that I am sorry she had to go through all that, by herself, and that ANYONE would have been affected, having to carry her burdain. I told the little girl that a lot of bad things would happen to her along the way, things she just doesn't deserve.
And I got to tell her that she would be fine, that there IS someone who can love her like she deserves. That's me, little one. I'm sorry, and I love you.
It feels like I am whole, for the first time in my life.
If you have an inkling of what went wrong for you to want to destroy yourself, take your new found sobriety, all the time you have on your hands, and read, read, read. You are not the first to ask the internet what to do with yourself, and someones words might just wake you up. Go to thrift stores and stock up on books. Keep reading, though it hurts sometimes and tears will flow. If you have someone to talk to, do so, and ask them to be honest even though it smarts. Write down things that ring true. Look at your previous and current relationships and try to see and understand what they say about the relationship you have with your inner child. Look closely, the little boy or girl might be hurt and in need of your love.
I finally met me, and I love her.
It just gets better and better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Awesome post Evienne,
A+ post. I had the experience of being introduced to the little "mini-me" in a therapy session and it was a very emotional experience. I have learned a lot from SR and my recent time sober.
I love finding books at thrift stores!
Keep up the good work.
A+ post. I had the experience of being introduced to the little "mini-me" in a therapy session and it was a very emotional experience. I have learned a lot from SR and my recent time sober.
I love finding books at thrift stores!
Keep up the good work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
The song was campy, but the lyric still resonates with me. "Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all."
I am still working on this. And although I might not be there yet, at least I have stopped DISLIKING myself so much. For me, recognizing that I have self worth was critical to my sobriety. It made me realize that my life was worth saving.
I am still working on this. And although I might not be there yet, at least I have stopped DISLIKING myself so much. For me, recognizing that I have self worth was critical to my sobriety. It made me realize that my life was worth saving.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thanks so much for responding. It's good to read this again after a while so I won't ever forget to love that little girl anymore.
Though I stumbled, I learned a lot from that and am on lucky day 13 again, she's really having a growth spurt. She finally gets to look at what SHE wants in life, and for now, that involves a lot of playing with doggies and ponies, and blowing bubbles and smelling flowers, even some singing and dancing though that's still scary. Sometimes I have to step in and be the adult but I'm getting more and more capable at that.
Day before yesterday, my dog had to go to the vets. Symptoms were pyometra but with some oddities. I had to leave her there immediately and they went into surgery the same night. Turned out to be cervical cancer, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries. It was a massive operation, the vet called me after surgery to tell me all this, they were barely finished stitching her up, and I immediately found ways to point the finger at me. I should've noticed sooner, I should've had her neutered years ago, I'll never see her again, I shouldn't be allowed to keep animals, I'm terrible, what am I still doing here... Took a long while to calm that little girl down, but told her gently but firmly, look, your other dog just had surgery as well and maybe you missed some small signal from her, because you were so caught up in caring and worrying for him. When she got worse, you did notice, didn't hestitate and took action, went beyond your own struggles and fears, and she might still get through it so take care of yourself, sleep, eat, shower, clean the house, and you'll be strong enough to nurse her when she's home.
And I did, and I am. My vets were so awesome, very brave what they did and I'm impressed and grateful, my doggie came home and will need a while to recover, but I'm here now, she's here now, it's fine. We're gonna take her first walk around the house, at dawn, because that sun is coming up for us as well.
Though I stumbled, I learned a lot from that and am on lucky day 13 again, she's really having a growth spurt. She finally gets to look at what SHE wants in life, and for now, that involves a lot of playing with doggies and ponies, and blowing bubbles and smelling flowers, even some singing and dancing though that's still scary. Sometimes I have to step in and be the adult but I'm getting more and more capable at that.
Day before yesterday, my dog had to go to the vets. Symptoms were pyometra but with some oddities. I had to leave her there immediately and they went into surgery the same night. Turned out to be cervical cancer, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries. It was a massive operation, the vet called me after surgery to tell me all this, they were barely finished stitching her up, and I immediately found ways to point the finger at me. I should've noticed sooner, I should've had her neutered years ago, I'll never see her again, I shouldn't be allowed to keep animals, I'm terrible, what am I still doing here... Took a long while to calm that little girl down, but told her gently but firmly, look, your other dog just had surgery as well and maybe you missed some small signal from her, because you were so caught up in caring and worrying for him. When she got worse, you did notice, didn't hestitate and took action, went beyond your own struggles and fears, and she might still get through it so take care of yourself, sleep, eat, shower, clean the house, and you'll be strong enough to nurse her when she's home.
And I did, and I am. My vets were so awesome, very brave what they did and I'm impressed and grateful, my doggie came home and will need a while to recover, but I'm here now, she's here now, it's fine. We're gonna take her first walk around the house, at dawn, because that sun is coming up for us as well.
learning to live
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Originally Posted by Evienne 
Thanks so much for responding. It's good to read this again after a while so I won't ever forget to love that little girl anymore.
Though I stumbled, I learned a lot from that and am on lucky day 13 again, she's really having a growth spurt. She finally gets to look at what SHE wants in life, and for now, that involves a lot of playing with doggies and ponies, and blowing bubbles and smelling flowers, even some singing and dancing though that's still scary. Sometimes I have to step in and be the adult but I'm getting more and more capable at that.
Day before yesterday, my dog had to go to the vets. Symptoms were pyometra but with some oddities. I had to leave her there immediately and they went into surgery the same night. Turned out to be cervical cancer, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries. It was a massive operation, the vet called me after surgery to tell me all this, they were barely finished stitching her up, and I immediately found ways to point the finger at me. I should've noticed sooner, I should've had her neutered years ago, I'll never see her again, I shouldn't be allowed to keep animals, I'm terrible, what am I still doing here... Took a long while to calm that little girl down, but told her gently but firmly, look, your other dog just had surgery as well and maybe you missed some small signal from her, because you were so caught up in caring and worrying for him. When she got worse, you did notice, didn't hestitate and took action, went beyond your own struggles and fears, and she might still get through it so take care of yourself, sleep, eat, shower, clean the house, and you'll be strong enough to nurse her when she's home.
And I did, and I am. My vets were so awesome, very brave what they did and I'm impressed and grateful, my doggie came home and will need a while to recover, but I'm here now, she's here now, it's fine. We're gonna take her first walk around the house, at dawn, because that sun is coming up for us as well.
Though I stumbled, I learned a lot from that and am on lucky day 13 again, she's really having a growth spurt. She finally gets to look at what SHE wants in life, and for now, that involves a lot of playing with doggies and ponies, and blowing bubbles and smelling flowers, even some singing and dancing though that's still scary. Sometimes I have to step in and be the adult but I'm getting more and more capable at that.
Day before yesterday, my dog had to go to the vets. Symptoms were pyometra but with some oddities. I had to leave her there immediately and they went into surgery the same night. Turned out to be cervical cancer, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries. It was a massive operation, the vet called me after surgery to tell me all this, they were barely finished stitching her up, and I immediately found ways to point the finger at me. I should've noticed sooner, I should've had her neutered years ago, I'll never see her again, I shouldn't be allowed to keep animals, I'm terrible, what am I still doing here... Took a long while to calm that little girl down, but told her gently but firmly, look, your other dog just had surgery as well and maybe you missed some small signal from her, because you were so caught up in caring and worrying for him. When she got worse, you did notice, didn't hestitate and took action, went beyond your own struggles and fears, and she might still get through it so take care of yourself, sleep, eat, shower, clean the house, and you'll be strong enough to nurse her when she's home.
And I did, and I am. My vets were so awesome, very brave what they did and I'm impressed and grateful, my doggie came home and will need a while to recover, but I'm here now, she's here now, it's fine. We're gonna take her first walk around the house, at dawn, because that sun is coming up for us as well.
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