gettingstronger

Two of our relatives have announced that they are coming for visits. One from AH's side of family, the other from mine. Both of these people are older, and have zero experience with alcoholism. They both have said to me over and over, "he's such a great guy". Nope, no he is not. But without airing all of the dirty laundry I find it best to just let their comments slide.

One of them, my FIL, is coming tomorrow. I totally get that blood is thicker than water. That combined with an old-fashioned and ill-informed attitude of AH's drinking "must" be my fault, leaves me looking for advice on getting through this visit. When I spoke with him today, my FIL sounded firm, serious and stand-offish. I admit, it is possible that he was just in a rush. However, a month ago, I sent him a nice email just saying it had been great to see him over the holidays, and got no reply. He and I used to email back and forth. Again, it's possible that email got lost in the inbox, IDK for sure.

Anyways, that's one visit. The other relative is coming in late April, to stay with us several days. And I just feel walked all over. She didn't ask to come visit, but announced she was coming and would stay with us. I'm no good at standing up for myself in these circumstances. She is also of the camp that a man's drinking is often due to having an unpleasant wife, unruly kids, or a bad job.

I know that I now have the opportunity to educate both of these family members. But also, I just want to survive here. I am so emotionally beat down right now, I can't take someone else's judgmental attitude. It's taken me decades to finally understand that I haven't caused my AH's problems. Because before I married this guy, I also thought that men became alcoholics because their wives were awful, their kids were a "handful" or they had bad work environments. After all, I was the "handful" kid who caused my A father to "need" to drink so much.

Help me fend off judgmental attacks. And remember I'm not yet to the point in recovery that I can easily speak up for myself.

Thumper

If it were me (and it sometimes is) I wouldn't touch the topic with a 10' pole. It sounds to me like there is less than a 1% chance they are going to be of any support to you individually or as a couple and a mega chance of making you feel way worse. BTDT, got the t-shirt. If you can't bring yourself to tell Ms. McRudeIviteHerself to not come than I'd literally walk out of the room if she starts talking about the drinking or marriage or any other topic that pushes your buttons. IME that is the only long term survival tool that works if you want to remain on semi-friendly speaking terms. I've nearly bit my tongue off but I'm not willing to cut ties with one family member and that is the only way for me to maintain any kind of peace. I've learned the hard way there are some things I never bring up and I refuse to engage in certain conversations. If I can escape the conversation it is best but if not, I just refuse to talk back and let her blabber while I think thoughts like "You are a nut and I will read SR until I'm so old I'm dusty so I never become you." LOL

ETA you haven't caused your AH's problems, you can't cure his problems. You haven't caused their ignorance or judgementalism and you can't cure it and at the end of the day it makes *them* utterly miserable people - not you.

gettingstronger

Thank you, Thumper, on many levels. You're right, there's a very good chance I'm going to feel awful by the time they leave. One of the most hurtful parts of being married to an A is my spirit has already been crushed by his actions. But then on top of that, I've got extended family all around throwing their stones at me. And thank you, about Ms. McRudeInviteHerself. That *is* impolite of her. I sometimes don't know what really is acceptable or unacceptable behavior coming from others.
I expect a massive migraine by the end of tomorrow.

cookiesncream

So if you don't mind my asking I'm unclear of beyond being with unpleasant people what is of concern. Does he openly get drunk around them and they make remarks insinuating this is your fault? I'm just trying to understand a little better.

peace

Liveitwell

Thumper-I second everything you said. BTDT too. Not worth my time.

LexieCat

If things feel tense with your FIL, I'd let your husband figure out how to deal with him. Be as pleasant as you can, and think of some places you can go if things feel too tense. If he confronts you about his son's behavior, you can simply say that you're concerned, too, but that you have learned that alcoholics will drink until they are ready to quit, and apparently he isn't ready to quit just now. You could tell him there are resources available to help him learn about it, which you'd be happy to share if he wants it. That's all the "educating" I'd do on the subject.

As for YOUR relative's visit, that's far enough off that I think you're perfectly within your rights to say, "I'm so sorry, but we have a lot going on in our family right now, and it really isn't a good time to have company. We'd love to see you, and to help you find a nice hotel, but we really can't manage a longer visit right now." If she gets mad, she gets mad. Oh WELL. Overall, I think that bowing out--however much of a snit it puts her in--sounds a lot less stressful than a several-day visit with someone who won't be supportive.

gettingstronger

Cookies, both of these people are more than just unpleasant people, but have made me feel, over the years, that everything that is "wrong" with my AH or our marriage is entirely my fault, because "he's such a great guy", you know?

And no, my AH probably will not be drinking tomorrow morning, especially because he'll be trying to keep up the appearance that he doesn't have a problem. I just have this sense that my FIL is coming to "fix" everything. I've always been the type to be respectful of all of my elders, even ones I disagree with, and never contradict them. And I know I'll be feeling crushed even further by any judgment I feel coming my way. I'm beaten down. What keeps me going is my kids.

I do love my FIL. He's the only grandfather my kids have. And I love him for loving them. He's not an evil person, or wishes ill-will on anyone. But he is a tad judgmental, and has these patriarchal church-y views (he's a retired minister).

I'm looking for advice on escaping these visits without feeling so horrible about myself that I lose any ground I have made in recent months.

gettingstronger

Lexie, as for the other visit next month, I am thinking how to tell her no, as kindly and politely as I can. I think that would be for the best right now. More than ever I need to surround myself with supportive people. I'm not ready to deal with everyone else yet. And tomorrow, I will find a way to just leave the conversation if it becomes uncomfortable. Thanks for your suggestions.

thotful

I remember once asking a counselor to teach me the skills to negotiate difficult situations. To notice I'm upset in the moment, instead of getting mad about it the next day. To feel better about how I handle situations.

What was necessary (and I'm progressing little by little and loving it) really surprised me.

Instead of trying to bend and twist the co-worker, loved one, relative, friend, etc. I had to do some SERIOUS work on me.

What makes me tick? What pisses me off? What turns me red with anger? green with envy? Blue with..sadness? What do I consider acceptable behavior in my life? What do I not? If I could split myself into two exact copies of myself - 1 was the me experiencing all the drama. The other was the one doing something about it. This "other" side of me is like the best friend I've ALWAYS wanted. Call me a name? The best friend is there lickety split calling out the abuse. Act rude towards me in front of my children? Best friend is there too.

So, how do I become my own best friend? How do I stand up for myself?

I needed to build up my self-esteem. I needed to work on being much more loving to myself. Convince myself I'm worthy of respect. Just plain worthy. Period. No arrogance. No self-righteousness. Just a polite, I deserve it. (EXACTLY how I would envision the bestest friend in the world and how they would behave towards me)

For me, what's really been working is attending Al-Anon, AA, and going to counseling. Instead of getting advice from people whose responses just leave me discouraged (like a heckler in a comedy show), I get suggestions from people whose responses feel more like that fan or cheerleader that seems to literally LIFT the rooms spirit. Where you get fired up for your team, even if their behind on the scoreboard.

I used to be deathly afraid of being rejected. Not receiving approval. I people-pleased all over the place. I don't think I could accurately depict 1 thing I did to reduce that issue considerably. PErhaps it simply started with asking for help, and taking what I could get (especially if I felt better afterwards).

SR, fellow travelers who understand...that seems to help.

I've noticed that I simply care less about how angry/irritated/righteous another person is when they react to my boundaries (what I choose to do for myself). It gets easier for me to exert my rights for myself, even though some people's responses get worse. It's like that fear of rejection has been lifting from me.

I don't have control over a single human being in this world. Can't force them to like me. Can't force them to agree. I simply let go of my need to try and force solutions (guess what - people-pleasing is forcing solutions, IMHO - it's like I convinced myself that I had the power to control another person's happiness - nope. not true). Maybe that helped? along with all of the other recovery stuff.

I'm rambling here. Just some ideas.

knowthetriggers

Gettingstronger....I really don't have much to add except I wish I could give you a tight hug and tell them for you.

Sending prayers of strength your way my friend!

gettingstronger

This is part of my overall problem. I may realize that something doesn't sit right with me, but don't really understand what was wrong with the encounter until later. Improved self-esteem would help me lot, too.

Thanks for your thoughts. They are helpful.

Thumper

I might remember that I have about 10 hours of errands to run and then go hide in a bookstore.

Practice a few phrases that you can say in your head that will remind you that they are uninformed and you are awesome. That helps me. I also learned that it is ok to go to my room and nap with a kid, or read, fold laundry, some yard work, walks after dinner. Anything to get myself some space to regroup and breath. They might make a comment but they can't carry it to far.

Thinking of you. I know it is exhausting to be with people like that especially when you are already feeling vulnerable.

cookiesncream

Sounds like you are dealing with a couple of separate but entertwined issues. Basically you have a number of critical unpleasant extended family to deal with. One thing I would not do (gallows humor) is take up drinking-trust me doesn't work and will land you in rehab;-) I'm the "A" in my bunch but it is my Mom that is the hypercritical one and she drives me nuts quite frankly.

That said regarding any mention of the alcohol issues. I'd take a page on how to explain addiction to children. I'd say you understand their concern, that is a longstanding issue you're trying to understand better however all research shows that it is a disease not caused by somebody else either by a parent or a spouse. I'd leave it at that and offer references to Al-Anon/Celebrate Recovery or the like. I'd also try and get out of the triangulation stuff that happens in families and suggest they direct their concerns directly to your husband. I know easier said than done but as someone in recovery whose family opted not to address me directly at any point but rather my husband-its a nasty dynamic that serves no ones best interests unless you are planning an intervention.

As far as other snotty hypercritical remarks about things. When you figure it out PLEASE LET ME KNOW. Its my Mom that pulls this garbage. My maternal grandmother did the same thing. One time my Dad got so fed up that he just left the house for several days during a visit. That said I'd be really inclined to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that and change the conversation. Acknowledge but don't engage, rinse and repeat.

Best of luck. I'm knee deep in reading the series of books on boundaries trying to tackle similar issues on a broader scale.


Peace

gettingstronger

Cookies,
gallows humor or not -- no worries on the drinking front for me. No.Desire.Whatsoever. I could eat my weight in chocolate, however.

Oooh, I can imagine how awful that felt when they were directing their conversations about you, to your H. Like being treated as a child.

I will be practicing "I'm sorry you feel that way", then make a quick exit.
Thanks for your input.

gettingstronger

Thumper,
I like the idea to "run errands". I actually have a birthday cake to bake tomorrow. Maybe I can just excuse myself to the kitchen, when the conversation begins to feel accusational.

I will just remind myself over and over, no one else can tell me what I feel or how I've been affected.

gettingstronger

Something just occurred to me. My husband has been an alcoholic for about a decade, but family has just a year ago found out about it. We (husband and I) did a great job hiding it all of these years. So, these interactions with extended family are new territory for me. I was so busy "playing" the happy wife. How sick is that! But really, this IS what I was afraid of. If other people knew, they would point fingers at me. I was very selective who I shared this info about my H with. And as it turns out, I was pretty correct in who would be supportive and who would not.

cookiesncream

Thanks for your support:-) Yes finding out about the "triangulation" that had occurred was very painful. I've detached substantially from them as a result. As I hit my one year mark a month ago I realized as part of my healing process that I needed to confront them on their behavior and how hurtful it was and let them know this is why I was detaching. It was immensely healing for me to get out of the victim mode I'd be in.

The victim role is really what you're in right now and its awful and I'm sorry. I personally think the best thing families can do when there is a problem with addiction in the family is educate themselves. Unfortunately many people choose not to, mine didn't. That said I'd stand your ground and when the subject comes up reiterate options for educating themselves. A script per se might be helpful for you to have ready. In my recovery group we call things like this our "toolbox" and what you need is to fill that empty toolbox with some tools. Beyond educating yourself what so many people face on "this side" is definitive things you will and will not do while the person is drinking. That's where it sounds like you are in all of this and I hope this site and many others are of help to you.

peace

Ursula745

I haven't read all the replies.

First, I'm sorry, but people don't get to do this. They announced that they were coming and staying with you? Uhm.....no. No one gets to announce they are coming for a visit and staying with me. They get to ASK if it's ok. And, I get to say NO.

So, I guess my question is, do you want them there? And if not, it's ok for you to tell them it's not a good time, or that they can come but they would need to find other accommodations.

I think you should be looking out for yourself right now. And, I wouldn't even talk about the issues in your house to them if/when they do visit. I'd just be polite and enjoy their company while visiting with you.

thequest

This is a tough one. Having extended family locally but yet not in regular contact with the alkie/addict is still tricky. I think they suspect 'something' but problem one will always seems to leave them impressed.

I find the glass half full analogy useful in that relatives and/or extended family don't have to deal with the problem regularly on the other hand they could be fooled to point of being conned. The problem one also constantly seeks validation and allies for his behavior.

I'd say as long as the alkie can't play them off you I wouldn't go beyond preventing that as discretely as possible.

Good Luck