pinkpeony

Stuggling today, mainly with horrible debilitating anxiety.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place.
You name the emotion and I've had it. It's energy-sucking and paralyzing.

Now that I am seriously considering leaving my home, child and beloved dogs, I and going to a shelter, I am freaking out big time.

I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LEAVES AND HAS TO LOSE EVERYTHING. WHY DOES AH GET TO STAY. ITS NOT FAIR DAMMIT.

I have always been the strong one, the one holding it all together.
I have deteriorated and fallen apart badly since May. I received the official notice from the court and the state board of nursing that my license has been suspended due to the issue of my student loans being in default.
Doesn't really matter at this time, as I am not emotionally okay to work as a nurse these day anyhow, but still another huge stressor and proof of how far I have fallen.

I don't cry, I always hold it all together, I am the strong one, always have been my whole life. And now I AM SCARED. Being scared is something I'm not used to dealing with. I am not strong any long and I am admitting to myself that I am scared. to. death.

I am scared to lose the few things I have left that mean anything to me and I am angry, pissed that I have been forced into a corner having to do so.

I'm not the alcoholic, lying, cheating, abusive one.

Fandy

How do you plan to support yourself if you cannot work as a nurse? if you want your license back, you have to pay your student loans.

I hope that you do contact the shelter advocates and that they give you some hope and some counseling. if you did stay in your home, how would you pay for it if you have no resources or job?

I really think that living with a supportive family member (maybe your daughter if you dislike your brothers) might be a good short term solution so you would not be isolated.

How did you do in the huge snowstorm yesterday? Was your daughter with you?

SparkleKitty

Everything you are feeling is valid and understandable.

The only thing I can tell you is that these changes you are contemplating right now are not FOREVER changes. They are temporary sacrifices at best, as you work towards a satisfying solution that allows you to embrace the things you love that nurture and let go of the things that hold you back.

We resist change. It's in our nature because it is frightening. It's only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain we fear from changing that we can move forward. We are with you, pink.

airwick

A simple "smile" given to let you know people care If you need someone "just" to listen, I can do that for you

Esspee

I don't know if the 'set up' is different in the US to the UK but if you move to a shelter in the UK you don't necessarily lose everything. They are a place of safety and security manned by professionals who can help you get legal support, practical support etc. to get back and keep hold of things that are rightfully yours.

SeriousKarma

Pink, hon, remember nothing that you are describing is forever. The decision to go to a shelter is a tool that you are using to get your life on the right track. It's not the rest of your life. It's just a temporary fix to a cr*ppy situation.

Remember, "One day at a time". Sometimes it's One moment at a time.

And even though it's not "fair" that he gets to stay, you're going to be a lot better off if you learn to let that sort of thinking go.

I know it doesn't seem fair, but this isn't a playground where life happens in the open for everyone to see. We really don't know how things are going to be tallied until the vary end. Sometimes we have to console ourselves with the knowledge that, if we live our lives with dignity and honesty and all of that good stuff, we're going to eventually find some serenity. And that if they don't they're going to eventually be hit by a big stinking bag of karma-sh*t.

Having said all that, I know this is tough, Pink, but you got this. You really do. Try and focus all of that amazing passion of yours into helping move yourself forward. It's wasted when you focus it on him. He doesn't deserve it.

hopeful4

Pink, it's a day at a time babe. Honey, a shelter it a temporary fix. My student loans were in default too. I got on a payment plan, it will be ok.

Breathe. You are going to be ok.

Tight, tight hugs.

Sungrl

Pink the choices you make are yours, you have to live with them.

You seem to be creating a lot of obstacles. I get you have no car, no job, etc. etc.

From what you have said your AH treats you horrendously. Yet you aren't moving heaven and earth to get out of there.

I guess my question is , do you really want to leave at this point or ever?

That is your decision and only your decision. If you come to SR to vent about your AH please continue. We will continue to listen and offer support.

I'm not the brightest bulb in the lamp, but it seems kind of like you are going to the DV shelter because we told you to, you seen to be dragging your feet. You don't (as your post suggests) really want to go.

Just my two cents

zoso77

No, you're not.

But your current circumstances leave you few options, pink. As I noted last weekend in another post, life is often brutally unfair. You don't deserve any of this. You also need to remember that a DV shelter is not a final destination. It is a pit stop until you can get your bearings and decide what your next move is going to be.

I'm really, really sorry you have to go through all of this. Keep posting and reaching out.

pinkpeony

I don't see it as me "creating" obstacles, they are obstacles I have that I am trying to work through/around.

I see myself as making good progress in my thoughts and seeing my situation for what it really is instead of some fantasy "it will all be okay somehow" situation in my head.
Before I started telling you all things about my situation I didn't even think what I was dealing with was really abuse. It's taking me a while to process through everything. I am also dealing with my depression and trying to fight thoughts in my head that aren't particularly reality-oriented.

I'm trying not to make an impulse decision that negatively affects me or my still at home daughter. I think I lost the ability to know when I'm making a good decision.

Yes, I do want to leave. I want away from AH, I'm having trouble losing what I have left that means anything. I guess I'm just talking out loud about what I'm feeling.

Ah has been "nice" lately and I KNOW that's not going to last, but it definitely has an impact on my thinking that I am in an emergency/crisis situation, given my ability to "forget" the bad stuff at the slightest piece of positive anything from AH.

I'm making plans to go to the shelter in part because people here have opened my eyes to how bad my situation has been.
I'm sorry if I'm frustrating people here by not moving quickly enough.

I *thought* I was making progress. Maybe I'm not. I don't even know at this point like I can trust my own feelings or decisions.

And of course, there is a big part of me that doesn't "want" to go to a shelter.
Does anyone really want to go? A part of me thinks I will feel a good deal of relief once I get there, but it will also cause additional worry and stress for me. Mainly about my daughter who wont come with me.

Maybe I vent too much, maybe I'm hogging the board too much that I'm frustrating people here. I apologize.

LexieCat

SparkleKitty and Karma are right--this is only temporary. Staying where you are right now could be permanent if you break down like you did earlier this week. Something has to give, and I'd sure rather it be your temporary living situation than your life.

People were homeless and suffered terribly when Hurricane Katrina hit. That wasn't fair, either, but it was a necessity because a disaster destroyed their homes. Your relationship is a disaster of similar proportions, in terms of the danger to you if you stay.

Going to the shelter isn't the quick fix we'd all like to have for you, but it's a step toward lasting stability, which you will never have as long as you stay put. In a place with what feel like crappy options, your job is to choose the one most likely to lead to peace down the road. You can get some kind of job (which you've been saying you would get if only you were out of the house), work out your loan situation, and get your license back. It won't happen overnight, but it can happen in less time than you think. It will NEVER happen if you stay where you are--not the way things are.

Hugs, we all love and support you, but we can't do it for you.

ladyscribbler

I felt the same way about leaving. Why should I have to rearrange MY life because of someone else's drinking and crazy behavior?
I had to move in with my mentally ill mom, which at my age felt utterly pathetic.
It sucked, big time. BUT it was a necessary step on my path to freedom and happiness. That period of unhappiness was something I had to experience in order to get to where I am now.
And yes, not being in that daily atmosphere of crazymaking and abuse that goes along with my ex's alcoholism was a huge relief. I didn't realize how much of my depression was situational. Not all of it, and my life isn't perfect, but not having someone else's addiction sucking up all my energy has made a huge difference in my overall well being.
Hugs Pink. We're here for you, whatever you decide, whenever you decide it. This is your life, so don't feel like you have to live it on someone else's timeline.

Sungrl

I hope you didn't get that from my post, I never intended to say you were hogging the board.

Sometimes things don't come across the right way, I am terrible at putting thoughts in print. I'm more of a face to face gal.

Good luck Pink, I want nothing but the best for you .

hopeful4

Pink, your timeline is yours. Your decisions are yours. No one can rush you at all, and no one should try.

I think you are making progress, and with that progress comes pain. That's ok. You do the best you can.

On the up side, a shelter usually knows all the local resources available and are willing to help you with those.

Tight hugs. XXX

Mango blast

Pink, I am amazed at how well and quickly you are processing and assessing everything. It can be a mental and emotional whirlwind as we become aware of so much more going on than we were able to see.

You will be okay. One moment at a time. Learning how and where to reach out for help are important skills that you're acquiring.

littlesister1

As folks often say on here, you don't have to do anything RIGHT NOW

Be nice to Pink, she deserves it!

BlueChair

Im sorry I havent followed all of your posts. Considering the emotional instability your feeling coupled with the depression, if you were one of my close personal friends I would have to say it might not be the best time to be making huge life altering decisions. You are working with a doctor on regulating your antidepressants I think. I know this can be tricky because my husband had problems when he started these.

Do you have the option of "visiting" with one of your relatives for a few weeks instead of making a commitment right now to completely leave your home, give up your dogs and the rest? I feel like it would do you good to have distance and might allow you to gain some perspective if you could get away. Work on getting your meds regulated. ( It can take a few weeks as Im sure you know) THEN you can begin to make plans for what you want your whole future to look like.

I know there are issues with all your family, so maybe they arent an option even for a few weeks but I was thinking maybe a change in your mindset instead of thinking I will leave forever and start over in whatever city they live, you can say I need some space and will go visit, clear my mind, rest, eat well, and see if I can make sense of it all.

This is what I would tell one of my own friends, so I thought I would share it with you.

Thumper

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. You are right - it certainly isn't fair.

Our situations were different (I didn't have a fraction of the abuse and isolation that you have to figure out) and I still remember feeling so afraid. So very afraid to make a move in any direction. Doing nothing at all was a choice I didn't think I could make any longer though. I started to read a lot about courage. Where was it and how did I get it. I realized that without fear there was no courage and that was a revelation to me. It empowered me. I did not have to be unafraid before I found courage. Courage was inside me all along. Courageous people have fear too. It is hard to explain but sometimes things just hit us the right way and it makes sense. *I* could be the strong and brave person too. I was. I was strong and brave every day. You are too. Stronger and braver than most. I'm going to paste some courage quotes to get you started.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway. ~John Wayne

Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~Dorothy Bernard

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

changeneeded

Pink,
I completely understand being paralyzed by fear, the unknown, and mostly, depression. I get it and I know a lot of people understand too. It's like trying to eat that entire elephant, remember, you don't need to all at once.

I feel so sad when I read your post, I wish I were closer. However, when I read the most recent, the one you started this thread with I wondered if you really are seeing your big picture of who you ARE not who you AREN'T.

You have written who you use to be, strong, held it together, and much more. You think you are not those anymore, but trust me, you are. Your still in that house with someone who has convinced you that your are not. YOU ARE! You have a nursing degree for crying out loud, that is tough!!

You deserve so much more than letting that hard work, years of studying and schooling go to waste. We can't talk you into allowing yourself to BELIEVE that, you have got to start ALLOWING yourself to have good things happen to you. As someone above said, this will not be forever (living situation) Look at how long you've been feeling this way, and take that time, give it to getting yourself and your things back in order. It's time for Pink to think about Pink, no matter how much she loves her animals and daughter. Your daughter is strong, she will be fine. It would be better for her to see her loving mother get herself together.

Let me share that I had one of my daughters tell me she was worried what would happen to me when she moves away for school. My home life is not terrible, my AH just drinks more than we like. He can sometimes be selfish, and of course, is an AZZ when he goes over the top with his drinking spells. She wants for him to treat me like I'm a queen, like I've encouraged them to be treated and treat their boyfriend and future husband. I had no idea how much my girls worried about me, and it made me feel terrible.

Have you talked to her? Maybe she would feel happy if you got the heck out of your situation?

Please, Pink, look in the mirror to see what we know you have! You DESERVE, to focus on you, get that license back and start giving back to the people what your worked so hard to give.

(((hugs)))

dandylion

Pink...as of my last post to you...I honestly "understood" that you had made a kind of compromise decision...I had thought that you were going to remain in your current home for the next (11 weeks, now), until your daughter's graduation..and THEN go to the shelter, along with your dogs..in order to use the shelter's many resources to get yourself back on your feet.
The reason I kept talking about building a plan step by step...was to line yourself up for the exit. I felt..and, still do, that it was excellent for you to be planning the move in a way that satisfied your need to parent your daughter and keep your dogs...and to get assistance to get back on your feet.

As Sungirl said..I now get the feeling that you are feeling that you m ust go to the shelter NOW because you have been told to do so by the posters on this forum.

Pink, I can understand that you might feel angry that you are being told what you have to do.

I have said many times..and I mean it, still now. I totally..TOTALLY....get that you don't want to desert your daughter and feel like she will always hold that against you. That you love your dogs like they are family..because I feel that way about my animals.
I totally respect your decisions and the decision to wait until the moves can be made in an organized and carefully planned way.

PLANNING...PLANNING...PLANNING...
There are lots of people that you need to make contact with. The organization that helps dv advocates keep and protect their animals. The organizations that donate cars to dv victims. And, many others. You have time to work on these things, now. Planning what things to take (when the right time comes) and planning for the eventual disposition of other personal posesssions.
Also, time to talk to the shelter staff as to how to go about certain things..and the resources that you can begin to use NOW. You know, you don't have to reside in the shelter to use many of their services.
I feel...know...that there is much that you can do from your home with the use of a phone and a computer. Laying groundwork, you know...

I feel that you need the dignity of making the decisions and making them on your own timeline.
We can help you figure things out as you go....

Pink, please think about my words, and lets begin to really work on your situation and brainstorm, together, what can be done to constructively help you.
There is sooo much that can be done....

dandylion

***I kept wondering about you when the Kentucky snow storm was plastered all over the Wash. D.C. news!....lol