Types of embarrassment and regret
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Types of embarrassment and regret
I've been doing a lot of soul searching over my two sober weeks and while I don't want to dwell on the past, I do think writing thoughts down and discussing with people here will help. During my sobriety attempt last June which lasted 30 days, I sort of disappeared from SR after about 10 days and I think I stopped thinking about being sober and that lack of vigilance was one of the many factors that got me back to drinking.
With that in mind, sorry if this is a bit rambling, but the feelings of embarrassment and regret are something I've been thinking about a lot.
Obviously embarrassing things happen when sober and drunk. In retrospect, I cannot think of a single embarrassing thing I've done sober that really stings or haunts me.
I'd have a list 5 pages long if I really sat down and wrote down every thing I'm embarrassed about having done while drunk. While I probably overblown in my head and people forget, I have a lot of embarrassing memories (or blackouts), that still cause me anguish from when I was drinking.
Along the same lines, I've done things I regret when I was sober, but I feel that if I need to apologize for something I've done sober, I can do so with a clean conscience. When I do something regretful when drunk, I don't really feel like I can even apologize and even more so if I'm still drinking and haven't committed to sobriety.
Thanks to anyone who has read this and I'm not sure it makes compete sense, but I'm really trying to sort things out in my head and really cement the fact that I can never drink again.
My concluding thought is this: Bad things will happen if I'm drunk or sober, but the mental anguish associated with the drunk mistakes is 10x worse. By never drinking again, I never have to have those feelings again.
With that in mind, sorry if this is a bit rambling, but the feelings of embarrassment and regret are something I've been thinking about a lot.
Obviously embarrassing things happen when sober and drunk. In retrospect, I cannot think of a single embarrassing thing I've done sober that really stings or haunts me.
I'd have a list 5 pages long if I really sat down and wrote down every thing I'm embarrassed about having done while drunk. While I probably overblown in my head and people forget, I have a lot of embarrassing memories (or blackouts), that still cause me anguish from when I was drinking.
Along the same lines, I've done things I regret when I was sober, but I feel that if I need to apologize for something I've done sober, I can do so with a clean conscience. When I do something regretful when drunk, I don't really feel like I can even apologize and even more so if I'm still drinking and haven't committed to sobriety.
Thanks to anyone who has read this and I'm not sure it makes compete sense, but I'm really trying to sort things out in my head and really cement the fact that I can never drink again.
My concluding thought is this: Bad things will happen if I'm drunk or sober, but the mental anguish associated with the drunk mistakes is 10x worse. By never drinking again, I never have to have those feelings again.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Hello Nymets,
i'm also sober for 2 weeks but i also started getting sober (with a lot of relapses) in june 2014.
I agree that there is a big difference in making mistakes as beening sober and drunk. From the first day getting sober in february i'm trying to make things up that i did when i had blackouts.
The problem with those blackouts is that it's always someone else who needs to tell you what went wrong because you don't know it anymore. I'm getting clean with myself and try every day to make a better day then yesterday. I like i said on another board i see everthing that i did drunk as learning money. I needed to lean that i was a black out alcholist who can't drink anymore, never. I'm a bit sad that it toke me so much learing money to get where i'm now, but hey can't chance the past anymore so i will have to live with it either way.
So i see it as a big breaking point the past and today (sober). I know im gonne make a lot of mistakes in the future like everybody else, but hey that's live right. But one thing's gonne be sure i'll remeber it the following day
i'm also sober for 2 weeks but i also started getting sober (with a lot of relapses) in june 2014.
I agree that there is a big difference in making mistakes as beening sober and drunk. From the first day getting sober in february i'm trying to make things up that i did when i had blackouts.
The problem with those blackouts is that it's always someone else who needs to tell you what went wrong because you don't know it anymore. I'm getting clean with myself and try every day to make a better day then yesterday. I like i said on another board i see everthing that i did drunk as learning money. I needed to lean that i was a black out alcholist who can't drink anymore, never. I'm a bit sad that it toke me so much learing money to get where i'm now, but hey can't chance the past anymore so i will have to live with it either way.
So i see it as a big breaking point the past and today (sober). I know im gonne make a lot of mistakes in the future like everybody else, but hey that's live right. But one thing's gonne be sure i'll remeber it the following day
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Hello Nymets,
i'm also sober for 2 weeks but i also started getting sober (with a lot of relapses) in june 2014.
I agree that there is a big difference in making mistakes as beeing sober and drunk. From the first day getting sober in february i'm trying to make things up that i did when i had blackouts.
The problem with those blackouts is that it's always someone else who needs to tell you what went wrong because you don't know it anymore. I'm getting clean with myself and try every day to make a better day then yesterday. like i said on another board, i see everthing that i did drunk as learning money. I needed to lean that i was a black out alcholist who can't drink anymore, never. I'm a bit sad that it toke me so much learing money to get where i'm now, but hey can't chance the past anymore so i will have to live with it either way.
So i see it as a big breaking point the past and today (sober). I know im gonne make a lot of mistakes in the future like everybody else, but hey that's live right. But one thing's gonne be sure i'll remeber it the following day
i'm also sober for 2 weeks but i also started getting sober (with a lot of relapses) in june 2014.
I agree that there is a big difference in making mistakes as beeing sober and drunk. From the first day getting sober in february i'm trying to make things up that i did when i had blackouts.
The problem with those blackouts is that it's always someone else who needs to tell you what went wrong because you don't know it anymore. I'm getting clean with myself and try every day to make a better day then yesterday. like i said on another board, i see everthing that i did drunk as learning money. I needed to lean that i was a black out alcholist who can't drink anymore, never. I'm a bit sad that it toke me so much learing money to get where i'm now, but hey can't chance the past anymore so i will have to live with it either way.
So i see it as a big breaking point the past and today (sober). I know im gonne make a lot of mistakes in the future like everybody else, but hey that's live right. But one thing's gonne be sure i'll remeber it the following day
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 51
I'm glad you wrote all that bc I am feeling the same things and was trying to figure out what all these feelings were. I'm trying not to focus on what I did while I was drinking or partying bc it makes me think only about drinking. Focus on the good things you've done sober. Congrats on the sobriety and keep it up!!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,840
Hi nymets; embarrassment and regret can sure become a big part of our alcoholic drinking experience.
Addressing those emotions and the experiences behind them, and making amends where possible, can be cleansing, therapeutic and freeing. That process, and its resolution, can allow you to leave those emotions and experiences solidly and forever behind you and move forward with the new healthy mind-set that will lead you to sustained sobriety and recovery.
You are doing great; keep on.
Addressing those emotions and the experiences behind them, and making amends where possible, can be cleansing, therapeutic and freeing. That process, and its resolution, can allow you to leave those emotions and experiences solidly and forever behind you and move forward with the new healthy mind-set that will lead you to sustained sobriety and recovery.
You are doing great; keep on.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
That was a very refreshing read Nymets bad things happen sober or not i just found out my next ENT apt is at the end of april but its not the end of the world
its good you recognise that when drunk bad things happen its always 10x worse plus the mental anguish
Congrats on your 2 weeks Nymets
its good you recognise that when drunk bad things happen its always 10x worse plus the mental anguish
Congrats on your 2 weeks Nymets
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
Originally Posted by soberwolf 
That was a very refreshing read Nymets bad things happen sober or not i just found out my next ENT apt is at the end of april but its not the end of the world its good you recognise that when drunk bad things happen its always 10x worse plus the mental anguish Congrats on your 2 weeks Nymets
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Not to hijack the thread but i have a serious ear infection that is very hard to shift ginkNus its been ongoing for around 5 months ENT= Ear Nose & Throat
i could get upset but it wouldnt make my apt happen any sooner i think of the serenity prayer in matters such as these
i could get upset but it wouldnt make my apt happen any sooner i think of the serenity prayer in matters such as these
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have trouble with ruminating on the things I did in drunken blackouts. I always would wake up with only vague recollections so I could never really remember what I did, but I knew it was bad. I tend to lose that filter in my head that prevents people from saying the wrong things and it had gotten me in trouble. Also, I can't remember what lies/B.S. I spewed so I constantly contradict myself
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thank you for this post. Keeping a list of these horrible, dangerous, scary drinking moments has been a critical part of my almost 18 month sobriety. All of my major regrets in life have involved alcohol. It is so comforting to know that I never have to add to that list again by just not drinking. Whenever I find myself romancing alcohol, I look at my list and the bloom is off of the rose!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 38
I can really relate. For the longest time I could only manage to get to two weeks. I'm at two months and can honestly tell you it is so much better.
I used to see not drinking as the absence of something. But now I see it as the addition of something.
I blacked out frequently and did embarrassing **** all the time. In my experience, people don't tend to hate you for these things. It's hard to hate someone who is so clearly not in control of themselves. It's like hating a toddler, you're mainly just going to make a mental note to never hang out with that person again. If you don't drink, you will NEVER embarrass yourself as bad as being a drunken mess. No matter what the situation, it will always be worse when drunk.
Now that I'm at two months I see sobriety as an addition to my life in that it has given me so much and taken nothing from me.
I really hope you can make it past two weeks. For me, once I made it to three weeks everything got a lot easier. Just proving to myself I wasn't trapped by my own mind gave me a lot of confidence. You can do anything you want to.
Congrats on two weeks! Let's talk at at three!
I used to see not drinking as the absence of something. But now I see it as the addition of something.
I blacked out frequently and did embarrassing **** all the time. In my experience, people don't tend to hate you for these things. It's hard to hate someone who is so clearly not in control of themselves. It's like hating a toddler, you're mainly just going to make a mental note to never hang out with that person again. If you don't drink, you will NEVER embarrass yourself as bad as being a drunken mess. No matter what the situation, it will always be worse when drunk.
Now that I'm at two months I see sobriety as an addition to my life in that it has given me so much and taken nothing from me.
I really hope you can make it past two weeks. For me, once I made it to three weeks everything got a lot easier. Just proving to myself I wasn't trapped by my own mind gave me a lot of confidence. You can do anything you want to.
Congrats on two weeks! Let's talk at at three!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Thanks for the replies everybody.
I think being able to write it out is pretty cathartic. I think I've known for years just how much of a mental toll the embarassment/regret was after a night of drinking, and how it turned so many joyous occasions into devastatingly embarassing blackouts, but just never really connected the dots.
When I got sober for 30 days last June, I think I lost sight of the embarassment. People do tend to forget and move on with their own problems, so I think the regret wearing off just made it a little bit easier for my AV to talk me into drinking again.
In addition to SR, I'm also just keeping a notepad with the days marked off so that it's a constant reminder of how long I've been since I blacked out.
My AV is definitely still telling me it wants to drink again and that "next time will be different," but I know that I don't have the willpower to stop blackouts and I'd much rather sacrifice those 20% of my nights out that end well, than deal with the blackouts. They're just horrendous and eat away at me for weeks.
I think being able to write it out is pretty cathartic. I think I've known for years just how much of a mental toll the embarassment/regret was after a night of drinking, and how it turned so many joyous occasions into devastatingly embarassing blackouts, but just never really connected the dots.
When I got sober for 30 days last June, I think I lost sight of the embarassment. People do tend to forget and move on with their own problems, so I think the regret wearing off just made it a little bit easier for my AV to talk me into drinking again.
In addition to SR, I'm also just keeping a notepad with the days marked off so that it's a constant reminder of how long I've been since I blacked out.
My AV is definitely still telling me it wants to drink again and that "next time will be different," but I know that I don't have the willpower to stop blackouts and I'd much rather sacrifice those 20% of my nights out that end well, than deal with the blackouts. They're just horrendous and eat away at me for weeks.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Nymets,
for me the same. Also stopped in june and began again in september. Indeed after i while you "forget" those blackouts and start drinking again.
Now i have my little black book and every day that i stay sober i mark that day with a green marker Also i keep all what im thinking about (concerning alcohol: fe went to restaurant no drinks ok, did some excercises, things that are beter when sober etc) in that book. It's really helping me
for me the same. Also stopped in june and began again in september. Indeed after i while you "forget" those blackouts and start drinking again.
Now i have my little black book and every day that i stay sober i mark that day with a green marker
Also i keep all what im thinking about (concerning alcohol: fe went to restaurant no drinks ok, did some excercises, things that are beter when sober etc) in that book. It's really helping me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
philippe, I really like the idea of adding in some things rather than just "March 5: Day 15." Definitely makes sense to add in stuff that was BETTER on those days because I was sober. And as you said, putting in when cravings came up, and what I did to deal with them.
The temptations definitely aren't going to go away, but if I can keep reminding myself that I don't ever need to be hungover again, or mortified about what I did while blackout, it might just be a tiny bit easier to get the mental strength together to say no.
The temptations definitely aren't going to go away, but if I can keep reminding myself that I don't ever need to be hungover again, or mortified about what I did while blackout, it might just be a tiny bit easier to get the mental strength together to say no.
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