ForeverAlways

I have noticed that some of us have married or have relationships with people that we did not know were alcoholics/addicts? Why would they want to bother with people that are not into drugs? Do they really think they are capable of having relationships? My AH didn't want me to know that he had any problems but two weeks into our marriage came home drunk 3 nights in a row. He drank an occasional beer when we dated -- nothing out of the ordinary. I was very clear that I did not want to have a relationship with anyone that had drug problems. He told me he wanted a "good girl" as in no smoking, drugs, drinking. I had no clue he could have addictions problems -- he was only 27 when we married. Turns out he was addicted by 16. Do they think we won't notice that they drink or get high after moving in together?

allmirages

Hello Forever. I think it's human nature to want to be loved, even if they are sick. In my case, I had heard my x "did pills" but I had no experience with someone with an addiction problem and had no idea what that meant. I am what he and others consider "a good girl". Never done drugs, never will, I may have a glass of wine once or twice a year, I'm educated, responsible, etc.

However, I will share something he said to me after he was arrested and had drug charges confirmed. I asked him "why me, why did you pursue me when you knew you had a drug problem, and knowing how I am?? Was it just to use me for money, for this, for that, etc. and he said no, of course not (I don't really believe that but anyway). He said, "I thought you would help me get clean again, be the person I used to be when I knew you before drugs. I thought you would be good for me" We had a prior history together way before he even touched drugs and I think that he was just trying to get out of his drug haze. The unfortunate part is he completely spiraled out of control to the point where he almost lost his life to OD a few times.

So, that's just my .02. The longer you are with someone during active addiction you begin to see that they really do suffer on all fronts; emotionally, physically and spiritually. I don't believe any addict "likes" to be an addict and that they want to have a "normal" life so they chose people unlike themselves. The problem with that is that if they aren't committed to recovery and making changes in their lives to stop the addiction, then all they do is end up creating a bunch of misery for both parties.

Jorgenss

I do not think any of us "good girls" knew what we were getting ourselves into when we committed to our "addict".

I heard the I thought you would help me get clean and still think you are the only one to help me line so many times it became routine.

For me, it was learning that the active addict will say and do whatever it takes to obtain what they need and to not take it personally.

INgal

Ironically, my son only dates very nice girls with no problems! I think they leave the relationship in total shock, wondering how they got mixed up in his mess. I have often wondered if I should warn them, but have been told repeatedly by people on the board and AlAnon that I need to stay out of up. It kills me when they ultimately leave broken-hearted (no physical abuse involved, just lying, bingeing, embarrassment, etc)

Hawkeye13

Somebody has to do the laundry, shopping, clean the house, pay the rent and
get up for work on time, don't they?

zoso77

Speaking personally, I don't think it's relevant how the addict thinks because there's nothing any of us can do to change their thinking.

We can, however, make decisions for ourselves. Once the cat's out of the bag regarding a spouse's or SO's addiction, we can either ride it out or we can split. Most of us here, when confronted with a situation like this, chose to ride it out. Most of us here came to regret that choice.

ladyscribbler

My ex's biggest complaint after I left was that he had to do his own laundry. Addicts and alcoholics need caretakers and managers to handle the daily business of life while they are off in la la land.

ForeverAlways

My AH actually did give up drinking for 8 years -- I thought that was a done deal. He also loved to clean and his cooking was much better than mine. I did the laundry and he did all else. As he progressed in the last several years before he died, he started to hoard junk and he would set fires as he cooked so that was off the table.

I think it probably is most likely that they thought we could make them normal as Allmirages posted. I actually don't regret staying because I got 8 years and I got to know his heart as far as I was concerned. He loved me and had a horrible disease that took him away. The part I hate is that he freely took that first drink that lead to his death but I know that was his choice and I really feel that he quit for 8 years and he had it all under control. His brain made a fatal decision that day.

ForeverAlways

AH always accused me of living in la la land! He didn't realize that he was the king of la la land. I loved the projecting. I always could figure out what he was up to by what he accused me of.

hopeful4

This!!!!!