gettingstronger

So the beginning of tonight's interaction was over the phone. My AH wanted me to come and get him, instead of waiting for his usual bus. I could feel myself feeling guilty from his pleas/manipulation, but I quickly got off the phone. Then when he finally came home, he went at it again, telling me how awful it was for him to take a bus. I did my best not to show any feelings of guilt, and ended the conversation.

I was feeling guilty but also angry, and wasn't sure what had happened, why I was feeling this way. Then just right now realized his was an attempt at manipulation. So, I was reading a bit about manipulation and came across this line in an article:

"It's OK to say no because it's my life and I can do what I choose to do with it."

Wow! I have just never felt that this was an option for me, in my marriage, especially. I am trying to bend my mind to accept this as my own, but am having trouble with it.

Any advice on dealing with feelings of guilt when the A is manipulating me, and I say no?

ForeverAlways

I drove my AH around way too much. I was constantly rescuing him every time his truck was stolen twice while leaving keys in the car while running on a beer run, getting his truck impounded by the police multiple times, etc. I wish I had made him walk more and take the bus. The last years of his life I did start to say no and I would simply turn the phone off and do my own thing. It was always inconvenient of me to say no for him too but what about me? Once he was on the highway at 2:00 a.m. after a run out for cocaine and he had the nerve to call me asking for a ride when his truck broke down. I thought he was in the basement. I had babies at home and he thought it would be ok to just leave them in bed and run 10 minutes to pick him up. I can assure you he feels no guilt so why should you?

NWGRITS

Guilt is a learned behavior. The same principle applies to overcoming it. Being mindful of the feeling is the first step. It takes practice and a lot of inner work to really get to a point where you can distinguish help from enabling, and healthy reactions from codependent ones. I have to remind myself that so-and-so is an adult and is perfectly capable of <insert action here>. Unfortunately, in codependent relationships with A's, we are slowly groomed to live in the FOG: Fear Obligaton Guilt. Unlearning all of that doesn't happen overnight.

FeelingGreat

Maybe have a think about your relationship; who gives the most, who takes, is it uneven? Does he go out of his way to help you? Share the house duties?

What would be reasonable give and take for you, and what would be manipulation? This might clear things up and prepare you for future requests.